Finding it very difficult knowing how to support my partner

[Oilucy]

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We think the same way and have very similar feelings which is at times scary! We have chosen not to live together as yet as we each have 4 children of our own and are happy not co-habitating at this stage.

Sadly though, he is suffering from depression. He separated from his wife of 24 years about 3 years ago. Since then she absolutely screwed him in the property settlement. In addition, and probably not dissimilar to a lot of fathers, he is paying a barely affordable amount per month in child support and school fees and has had no success in getting this reviewed. 

About once a month he gets into quite a depressed state. Normally it passes within 48 hours but this time we're on to the third day and tonight he refused to see me saying he wanted to be alone (but that he really loves me).

When it is in the reverse and I feel upset, I want to be around him because he loves me and makes me happy, so I'm starting to get concerned by the way he is pushing me away and wants to be alone that perhaps his feelings for me aren't as deep as I initially thought. 

I really need some advice in how to handle this because to be honest, his actions at the moment are making me feel very unloved and very unwanted. 

I too am separated and know what I want and don't want in a relationship - and I certainly dont want to be in another relationship where I am not loved, wanted or appreciated. I should point out that this is not normally the case with us, but is when he gets down I feel all of the above and it just gets me down. He says I would be better off without him which I wonder is his way of wanting me to end it.

I keep alternating from being very supportive of him to be really cross (inside) about being pushed away. He is a wonderful man and I have never taken him for granted so am trying to put a lot into our relationship.

How do I handle this? At the moment I feel hurt and rejected and feel like saying "If you dont want me around go and find another girl that you do want around" but I know that given the circumstances its not about me its about his depression and I need help understanding how to support it as when he is not depressed our relationship is near perfect.

He said he is going to his Dr about going on medication.

[trustlife]

Hi Oilucy,

Your very last sentence is your key. If he's agreed to seek help then don't let it be just a GP doling out some pills. I'm not knocking GP's but he needs to talk to someone. If you imagine depression as a force (which it is), then the only way it can survive is by throwing all sorts of distractions in your way so you think by addressing the distractions, which are only effects, you are making progress. So, alimony, finance, children, his 24 years of marriage, and pushing you away are all by products of a cause. This keyboard won't address the cause but hopefully it can put you into a position to make the one move. Go with him to a councillor stressing that you both need it. Mention that it's mainly for you if you think that will ease the pressure on him. You haven't mentioned anything about your eight children. You must have an ally in there also who can subtly lend weight to your strategy.

[Solace11]

Hi Oilucy

My partner is currently depressed and I too was taking his distant behaviour personally. I give my partner the space he needs and I am also here for him when he needs support. In the meantime I am looking after my sanity (as I am get depressed also). I told my partner that if he wants to change the way he feels the HE is the one that needs to change his thought processes and behaviour. It is very hard to watch a loved one struggle but you cant help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. In a calm, supportive and loving way get try and get him to confide in you and talk through what is going on. Explore with him what he is prepared to do to make himself feel better. End of the day what helps me with my depression is breathing space, love, support and understanding during the tougher days. Little things like exercise, meditation and massage help sooth the soul. Western medicine certainly has its place with treating depression but I think it works better with other natural healing practices that address the spiritual aspect of this illness. Its difficult to connect with others when we feel so disconnected with ourselves.

Be there for him by all means but when you are around someone who is dealing with depression they need a friend before a romantic partner and that is how I am with my fiancé right now and he is appreciates it and is finding comfort in that don't pressure him to be something he cant at the moment. He also knows its his own responsibility to seek help and make changes to bring him back to a more positive state of being.

[Lightness]

Hi OiLucy

I can so relate to your story. I have been with my partner 4 years and for 3 of those years he was going through an awful separation and got really crushed but despite all this we were happy and had a lot of fun and connection.

We then got married and straight after he sank into depression, went on anti depressants and then became manic bi-polar.

Can I suggest you go along with him to see someone - at least to start with as his perception of how things are may not be clear.

It is important to be there for your partner but also to look after yourself. I have just been given some great advice about Carer's support - have not found a group yet but hope to soon.

Sounds like you have a beautiful relationship as I do and this illness is not going to destroy that - I will not let it but it is tough some days...good to hear your story - thank you