Husband suffers from depression but says I need to change

[EdenH]

Hi, I hope someone can help me as I'm at my wits end and so confused. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety but wont speak to anyone about it, not even me as he says 'I don't listen and don't help him'. I have suggested the doctor or speaking to a counsellor but he is resistant and doesn't think they can help. He thinks he is dealing with it but I know he isn't and I want to help him but don't know how. I have started seeing a counsellor alone as he wont go, I go so that I can get help with 'coping' strategies to help my husband. Well I went yesterday and had stuff on my mind, my husband asked me what was wrong so I told him my worries/concerns. This caused a heated discussion about how I don't need to see a counsellor I just need to stop playing the victim and face up to reality. I told him that his mood really effects me and he basically mirrored everything I said and said my mood effects him and that he can't do anything without second guessing how I'm going to react to it. I'm now left confused as there are two issues, one being the effects of the depression on our relationship and I guess how I react/don't react to it and secondly his depression on its own. What he has said has left me thinking maybe I have something wrong with me and maybe that I'm the one depressed or something. I such a positive upbeat person usually but lately all I've been doing is worrying about our relationship and if things will ever improve. He seems so self righteous to me when he lectures me when I bring up an issue it's always me who has to change or stop 'transferring the blame'. I hope this makes sense to someone as I'm so confused, I'm not perfect but I'm trying. He doesn't see I'm trying he just says I need to 'put the effort in'. Is he right? He says he's made lots of sacrifices and I haven't, he has put me first and in his eyes I've not done the same and he says he doesn't think I love him and he seriously thinks this which really upsets me as what am I still doing here if I don't? I would love to see a counsellor together to mediate so that we can get somewhere with our discussions. We have the same argument time and time again and he comes up with the same response time after time and refuses to see someone because I 'need to change' He said it was up to me what happens going forward. I don't see that as fair at all. I feel like we get nowhere. Sorry this may not make sense. Thanks for any help/advice.

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Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help

[Narniakid]

Hi EdenH!

I am sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Being a carer of someone with depression can be a particularly stressful role. What I suggest you do is have a read of the resources here on the website for carers, and consider giving the hotline a call too. 

Is your husband on medication? If not, perhaps try to take him to the GP for a proper diagnosis. There is a chance he is suffering from other issues such as anger management or bipolar. A professional opinion is always worth listening to.

Be patient - he sounds like he's in a state of denial, and so instead of admitting to his own issues, he's thrown them on you. Remember that is the depression talking, and it does not mean you aren't doing a good job supporting him already. 

Crystal

[Carmela]

Hi EdenH,

You have received some great advice from other forum contributors in the past. I hope the following provides you with some help.

It seems from your post, that your husband is placing all responsibility on you for carrying the heavy load.  From my own experience - that until your husband seeks help, your current lifestyle will continue. No matter how much we love them and want to help, they will not change until they come to that realisation themselves. The hardest part l find in supporting a partner with depression is accepting that the depression is not about me. They may tell you so and even blame you, but in all honestly, we can love and support them but it’s ultimately their journey and theirs to solve.

Hope and recovery cannot be sustained if a partner refuses to seek help. If you have gently guided him to seek help and provided your own loving support and the refusal remains, you cannot be the support person who allows him to continue his selfish lifestyle.

I understand from your previous post that you have a child. Allow this to be your priority as well as yourself. Reach out to friends and family for respite. It is amazing how quickly a carer can spiral down when a partner is not well.  Continue with your counselling as I am sure it is providing you with many benefits to speak and be heard in a non-judgemental forum.

EdenH, I can understand it is difficult as l have travelled this path you are on right now. The one thing l continued to do was remind him that l loved him.  You can only support your husband to a point, then it his own free will to decide if it is worth it.

Carmela x

[Pixie15]

Hi EdenH,

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you are still looking for replies.

I thought I would just share a couple of thoughts that I had when I read through your post. Firstly I am wondering what kind of counselor you are seeing. If it is somebody who is experienced with relationships you would be able to describe the recurring argument pattern and get some help for yourself with changing how it plays out. It sounds like a positive thing that you have recognized the pattern of the behavior that you are not happy with. It is worse when you have a feeling that something is not right but just cant put your finger on what it is.

The second thing is that as the saying goes you cant make an omelet without breaking eggs. Possibly if you want to help your partner and your relationship you may have to contend with a bit of negative behavior or arguments. It would be good however to have some social supports in place which you are doing with the counselling and Carmela has offered some other suggestions.

Last but not least is that if you are seeing a counselor on your own and you do get your partner to commit to couples counseling you will most likely need to see a new counselor.

cheers,

Pixie.

[EdenH]

Hi Crystal, thank you for your reply. It's been a tough few days. My husband ended up having a what I can only describe as a breakdown on Friday night. Tears, couldn't catch hi breath, talking about not wanting to be here anymore etc etc. It was upsetting seeing him in such bad shape but I used it as an opportunity to ask him if he would finally see someone as he just wasn't coping. He agreed. Long story short, he was prescribed with some low dose medication and he has an extended appointment tonight to see the doctor re a mental health care plan. Baby steps, I'm really trying not to push him but I'm aware it may be two steps forward and four steps back. I can also see now that what he was saying was the depression talking, he may still believe these things but at least now he knows that I do care as he was thanking me for calling the doctor etc. I hate seeing him like this as he really is struggling but we're moving in the right direction.