partner has clinical depression

lilly07 · ‎18-07-2015

Hello. Im new to this site.

Ive been dating a lovely guy for about 4 months . Not long i know. We're both in our early 50s and have the beginnings of a ( i hope ) relationship . He has voiced that he feels a special bond beginning , i have said the same.

He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, a couple of year ago. Is on meds for this.

About a week or so ago he hit a real low. He asked me for a little space . He came to see me on wed and said he always does this when his depression takes over . He pushes the people away that matter to him ,because he doesn't want to cause them hurt and pain. I have a young daughter , in early high school ,that lives with me . He said he wants to stay away from us because he doesn't want us to turn a up at his home and find him.

He said hes ok for me to keep in touch by txt but while hes in this bad depression , will keep his distance. The good thing is , he has taken himself back to his GP , who has sent him to a psychiatrist and psychologist and is in the process of having his meds looked at and probably changed.

My question here is , am i doing the right thing here ? , im limiting myself to just one txt a day . Ive been sending a good night txt . Up to this point ,he has answered me. I read somewhere that its a good idea to try and maintain physical contact but i dont want for him to feel extra pressure , as he has already said he will keep some distance. I would greatly appreciate any help or advice from anyone on here.

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white knight · ‎18-07-2015

Hi lilly, welcome here

Gee, I truly sympathise with your situation. I hope others chip in here for some other opinions.

I wrote an article here some time ago that you'll likely find on Google called "Who cares for the carer". Basically it goes into concepts that - if a sufferer can make a coffee for himself during the day...why cant he make one for his caring wife upon her arrival from work.? Or if they can get out of bed to go to the bathroom why cant they get out of bed when their partner comes home from work?

So, using that at a rough concept....if your man can for example attend town to pay bills and do some shopping why cant he meet you there to enjoy a coffee at a café? It's a guess for me as I don't know the man nor the extremes of his depression and how active he is/isn't.

Mentioning his demise is not a good way to bring up why he doesn't want you to visit and is unacceptable IMO.

Take care Tony WK

lilly07 · ‎19-07-2015

Thank you , Tony for your reply . My partner is still able to function with some level of normality. He going to his job each day but is not making effects to see or talk to any of his small circle of close friends . He did say in his txt today that he'd gone to play his sport today . He's a golfer but didn't go with friends just on his own.

white knight · ‎19-07-2015

Thanks for replying Lilly,

All you can do is monitor him. He sounds like a very considerate person. You will likely make a breakthrough with him soon, when he'll let you in. That's all you can do if he wont seek direct help from medical professionals. Being so withdrawn is what I've done but it isn't healthy and I'd be as concerned as you are. Delicate words is the go. Like "I just want to hug you". If you get that hug, don't say a word IMO. I think you get the picture.

Take care Tony WK

laaenbai · ‎19-07-2015

Hi lilly07

I think one of the problems is the false impressions the world has from the media's wrong picture of relationships. It being that much of the perception left by movies, TV shows, etc is just plain wrong. I wonder if you were just an old mate and said "hey let's catch up for a coffee", what his thoughts would be rather than this person he is creating this dating relationship with.

Perhaps if at some level he felt your intent when you asked was to simply catch up and see how golf was, and whatever else might be of interest to him about life, in general, would he be looking at it differently.

It seems that as soon as that dating thing gets in there all different pressures are involved and I am guessing he feels some sort of pressure about how "the perfect life" should be instead of just enjoying your company.

Push too hard and they push away, don't push and you don't care. Perhaps if the one text is getting the response then you could try and additional one some days. Something simple, without any reason for him to feel pressured or otherwise bad for himself and you might be able to get him into a chatting mode a bit more frequently.

Take care and hopefully that helps in some way

Cheers

Peter

lilly07 · ‎23-07-2015

Hi guys .

I wanted to update this post and ask for some more help.

A few days ago my guy has said I should be with someone that can give me what he doesn't feel he's capable of doing at this time . He said he wants to be alone without the any distraction. I know he's hit a real low as his ex has filed their divorce papers . I don't know whether to walk away or stay in the background and wait . I've stopped contacting him at this point as I think it was adding extra stress to him.

This sounds a little silly but I'm very confused as he still has me as his relationship on facebook and he made a comment on one of my posts yesterday.

I don't want him to leave my life , he's a wonderful person but I don't want to make the situation worse for him or for me.

Any help would be really appreciated .

White_Rose · ‎26-07-2015

Dear Lilly

Hello, pleased to meet you. One of the classic behaviours with depression is the conviction that the person is not good enough for other people, especially those they care about. It sounds silly I know but this how the Black Dog gets us chasing our tails. From my own experience I know I both longed for someone to hear and share my pain and a dread of hurting the other in the process.

The depressed person (DP) wants to stay in a safe place, one they are familiar with no matter how lonely it gets. Mostly we get on with our lives, working, shopping, socializing etc. When something out of the ordinary happens all this stuff goes down the gurgler. For example, we pay our bills OK, but it may be an extra large bill or an unexpected bill turns up and the DP gets worried. Now this is normal but in depression the coping skills can disappear. Your man has just received divorce papers and whether or not he is pleased to finally separate from his wife, it's still a huge strain. It would be a strain and worry for anyone regardless of their management ability, but often the DP takes much longer to fully understand and act.

This may be the case here. He can go to play golf because he is familiar with the whole thing, but goes alone to avoid interactions that are too hard at the moment. I may be way off the mark but this is my experience. Visiting you at your home may also be in the too hard basket just now. One of the suggestions you have received is to meet for coffee, which would be on neutral ground. Tell him in one of your texts that you have a free half hour and would love to hear about ........

I suggest a short time limit so that he does not get more anxious. If the conversation is going well and you are both happy to stay longer, then do so. Just make sure you do not push too hard. Can you leave your daughter at home on this occasion or with someone?

Just a couple of thoughts. Love to hear from you.

Mary

lilly07 · ‎27-07-2015

Thank you so much Mary , for replying. Yes, a lot of what you've said here hits home with me and is true in my situation. At the time of writing , he has contacted me again , by txt . I am at this point reluctant to suggest a meet ,as i think that this pushed him away last week but yes, could meet him on my own .

So at present im limiting my contact and just letting him contact me first . He is seeking help professionally and in the process of having his meds looked at and probably changed. know any changes won't happen overnight .

i feel a bit lost at the moment and am not sure if im doing the right things or enough.

His doing and saying all the things that you've written about, he doesn't think hes good enough , its not fair on me or my daughter.

Lilly .