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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LML Giving myself permission to leave the marriage after bipolar diagnosis
  • replies: 8

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" fina... View more

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" financial issues, but I feel he'll be avoiding this request so to protect myself & my future, for me this is where i give myself permission to go.Wanted to leave the forums with the best resources i found to give me the insight I need to stay together but if we're not working together i can't keep it together by myself. Sad day.Daily face book blog – lots of topics & insights Bipolar Burble with Natasha TraceyYou tube video Living with Bipolar – for carers & lived experience (excellent)You tube video Bipolar Disorder - Lecture 2014 - Dr. Patrick McKeon - the basics Book for partners – 2nd edition (apparently use everything except the medications chapter), available on kindle too. This book is actually kind & acknowledges you'll probably be working thru it alone. Excellent framework for how to move forward as a couple. Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Second editionFor me – talks on lots of subjects not aimed at mental health called TED talksFor me – 10 minute meditations – 10 for free to get you started & you can do them more than once on the internet search headspace dot comFinancial adviser -the most sensible & liberating thing I have done for myself even tho I thought I couldn't afford it.

Lady_styles My husbands depression, how do I help him
  • replies: 2

My husband has been out of work for almost 3 years due to an illness, we have been trying to get him on disability and that's been its own battle within itself. He does not talk to me anymore about his feelings and what use to be a very romantic man ... View more

My husband has been out of work for almost 3 years due to an illness, we have been trying to get him on disability and that's been its own battle within itself. He does not talk to me anymore about his feelings and what use to be a very romantic man is no longer there. We just had our 3 rd anniversary and not even a card. I found out just a few days ago that he has formed this friendship with a younger woman who I know. And she has had a crush on him for a while but he's sees it as a cute gesture and says I am over reacting to him talking to her 2 or 3 times a week which I knew nothing about. I don't think he has cheated but I'm not sure his mood and her intentions that it won't build to that. I told him I was the one he needed to tell his inner feelings to but he insist she like a therapist to him. He does not see this as part of his depression and him pulling away. He says that him and her both knew I would overreact and that's why they didn't say anything. I am lost with his mood swings. Just small things I do get on his nerves and he looks at me like I'm stupid. I am afraid of what it's doing to my marriage but more afraid of what it's doing to him. I have not one time distrusted him during our marriage but now I find that I work two jobs and while he is at home he talking to this woman. Am I wrong to be worried. He says he want to share his life with me but she seems to be getting the most right now.

Shaz1964 Carer wanting advice !!!
  • replies: 4

as a carer, not sure what to do ????? My Husband has G.A.D , we have a small Mowing and Cleaning Business that we run, now and then everything builds up and we take a weekend off to relax but last week my husband took himself to hospital with an Majo... View more

as a carer, not sure what to do ????? My Husband has G.A.D , we have a small Mowing and Cleaning Business that we run, now and then everything builds up and we take a weekend off to relax but last week my husband took himself to hospital with an Major depressive Episode which they kept him in for a week , now we are back home with medication and awaiting mental health plan to get him back on his feet -- I have kidney disease stage 4 and can not drive ,so there is no income coming in -- today my husband said he feels like he doesn't and can`t work anymore -- the specialist said to ease back into work , any suggestions and advice will be great. Mark this post as helpfulYou marked this post as helpful Shaz1964 4 posts 19 August 2015 in reply to Shaz1964 Hello again , just remembered the specialist gave my husband a Centrelink form -- 3 months sickness allowance to put in ?? but my husband is worried that we wont have any customers if we put the form in , at the end of 3 months but then today he doesn`t think he wants to work anymore Thank you

Jorjay Help for Partner of someone suffering from Depression
  • replies: 1

HI there everyone. First post for me here. I am just looking for some help and guidance. My partner suffers from depression and has been for some time now. We have been together for almost two years and we have a baby on the way due at the end of Oct... View more

HI there everyone. First post for me here. I am just looking for some help and guidance. My partner suffers from depression and has been for some time now. We have been together for almost two years and we have a baby on the way due at the end of October. I know that pregnancy can take a big toll on woman and it is not easy. My partner is constantly negative even though I do everything in my power to make her happy. I try to make sure I am at home all the time to look out for her because I know she struggles with a bit of separation anxiety and also when left with her own thoughts they get the better of her sometimes. This girl is my world and I will be proposing to her very soon (I just recently got a ring). She will always give me a hard time when I am away for my sport which is only training once a week and a game on the weekend that she usually comes to. I have decided to not play next year because we will have a new born and I want to spend as much time at home as I can outside of work. I am also trying to work weekends more to provide more for our family and make things a bit easier but I get a hard time about that as well as never being around. Recently we have been fighting more and she is getting frustrated with me very easily and is quite condescending in her tome when speaking to me. I have so much patience and try to understand to the best of my ability what she is going through and accept that she doesn't mean what she says and help her but she constantly pushes me away. She has been treated very badly throughout her life from her childhood to bad relationships with ex partners and her mother and father. I have given her every reason that I am not going anywhere and that I am here to stay and will never abandon her or treat her wrong. I am fully devoted and committed to her. I love our little life and also our baby on the way and what the future holds. She is a stay at home mum as she has two children from a previous relationship that she shares with her ex partner who also gives her a hard time a lot. I try my best to simplify our lives as much as possible and create a stress free environment but she self sabotages herself a lot and creates problems where there doesn't need to be. I just wish she would let go of the past and keep moving forward. I know that all this is hard for someone who suffers from depression. Does it get easier? Is there anything more that I can do to make her believe more? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

fortoolong When carers feel helpless.
  • replies: 1

Hi. I'm new to the forum. My sixteen year old daughter suffers from PTSD, anxiety, severe clinical depression and eating disorders. She has seen a psychiatrist since she was 8 and for these eight years. her medication has been monitored. At 10 she wa... View more

Hi. I'm new to the forum. My sixteen year old daughter suffers from PTSD, anxiety, severe clinical depression and eating disorders. She has seen a psychiatrist since she was 8 and for these eight years. her medication has been monitored. At 10 she was diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome, a nervous system disorder, which affected her leg and hospitalised her for two months. At 14, she was hospitalised for eating disorders for eight weeks. For the last two years, she has had a great deal of time off school. She is also a perfectionist. This is having such a terrible effect on her life, her sisters life and our life,,, her parents. We are doing everything we can to help, paying a fortune for psych bills and medication, yet still she is not improving. We have no extended family support. I am now so sad about it that I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to have normal for a while. Both my husband and I work full time, our older daughter is at uni and completely over her sister's drama and it's hard for my husband and I to have any time together because our daughter is always so needy. I have seen a doctor about this but would really appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in this situation and how you handled the juggling, the guilt about your other children and the lack of attention they receive, and your feeling of missing your old self.... Or is it just me? Thanks for listening.

motorhead Exhuasted carer
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am Motohead ( cause im mad about motorcycles). I have been a carer for my wife for 12 years and are absolutley at my wits end with her many varied mental illness's. I have financially supported her for years and can no longer do that. ... View more

Hi everyone, I am Motohead ( cause im mad about motorcycles). I have been a carer for my wife for 12 years and are absolutley at my wits end with her many varied mental illness's. I have financially supported her for years and can no longer do that. She had a very bad incident last weekend refused to get help so i called in the acute care / police , ambulance. I told them to keep her safe and away from me as i needed time out. The hospital kept her for 2 hours and sent her home for me to deal with again. What are we supposed to do let them kill themseleves and harm themseleves or worse when they threaten us as carers. Its breaking my heart but i am now physically ill and becoming metally ill myself as i get zero support. I would like her to leave but im afraid she will kill herself. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU JA X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

livinginhope help with possible recovery signs?
  • replies: 3

My depressed partner of 3 years has asked me to leave as things didnt feel right between us. This is 2 months ago now, the month prior was hell, like i was living with a strange housemate, no signs of love or care, no afffection or interest in us. I ... View more

My depressed partner of 3 years has asked me to leave as things didnt feel right between us. This is 2 months ago now, the month prior was hell, like i was living with a strange housemate, no signs of love or care, no afffection or interest in us. I left into a share house the day he asked me to go the month after. We talked shortly after as i needed answers and he didnt think it was depresion, he was an emotionless empty shell void of any emotion and that worried me. I think that was his rock bottom then and the week after as he was very negative and switched off,angry at his parents and wanting maximum distance to do things his way. I must mention he has insomnia and didnt sleep for about 2 weeks straight around this time. Skip to now and we have in the last 2-3weeks ​talked more everyday via text/calls, he has made mention of me returning home in a joking way a few times but i dont think he is ready just yet. He told his mum initially he was afraid of hurting me and he was trying to save me from himself. The 3 days before he left for work he wanted me to stay over each night, the day before that we spent together too. He is now very sexually orientated whereas before there was no interest. His texts have become more personal and he has said i love you twice since, he keeps me updated on his day and checks in on mine. He still isnt able to talk about feelings at all or us in a serious manner,however he likes to mention our future and jokes about when we win the lotto etc. What i want help with is the following. Does this make sence, what does it say to you and do you think this is normal for recovery? I have anxiety so i struggle to see good in the things that happen. I wonder if this is the first signs of him opening back up to a relationship?? ​

Anonymous01 Partner with depression is in denial and won't agree to help
  • replies: 10

Good afternoon everyone, To whoever is reading this - thank you first and for most. My partner of 10 years developed depression this year and whilst he hasn't been diagnosed it is evident to everyone close to him, including myself, that he had this. ... View more

Good afternoon everyone, To whoever is reading this - thank you first and for most. My partner of 10 years developed depression this year and whilst he hasn't been diagnosed it is evident to everyone close to him, including myself, that he had this. I believe he knows he does and despite many people trying to guide him and suggest he seek help, he won't do it. 'No, I won't go' is the response. It all started 5 months ago with him saying he 'felt different', saying it wasn't me and in time this got turned on its head and he said it was me and he was on the verge of splitting up with me and still doesn't know if his future lies with me. Since then life has been like nothing I have experience before, he has had insomnia, overworks himself to avoid his problems and at times has lashed out at me over the most ridiculous things which over time and with education I have learn full well when he is simply 'not himself' and tell myself its not my fault and that it is what he is feeling in his head. It got to a point that he asked me to leave for a while because he knew he 'wasn't being fair on me' and I am still living away from the home but still see him at least once a week and we speak every day. His mood swings are always immediately evident, for example, last week he was a cheery as i'd seen him in months but then this week he had quite a down day again and recoiled and got frustrated at times. He still says we can' give the relationship another go, that its a part of the problem' and I still wonder whether or not he continues to use all of this to avoid the most evident issues. All in all, I don't want him to throw his life away because of something he has developed and something he didn't choose to have, yet I cannot live with a man who will not help himself either. It is agreed by my family and I know myself I have handled the situation incredibly well up to this point. All I am left with is ultimatum, me or depression. If anyone has any experiences of their own I would love to hear from you. Thank you again for listening to me.

BA69 Help for my son in law who has been diagnosed as borderline bipolar
  • replies: 3

My son-inlaw has been diagnosed as Borderline Bi-Polar he had a massive breakdown a couple of months ago and the GP changed his medication he saw a psychologist 1 time and then advised he needed to see a Physciatrist and another medication was requir... View more

My son-inlaw has been diagnosed as Borderline Bi-Polar he had a massive breakdown a couple of months ago and the GP changed his medication he saw a psychologist 1 time and then advised he needed to see a Physciatrist and another medication was required as the new one was in fact giving him worse symptoms. He is managing to maintain working and they are not aware of his issues. He mad an appointment with the specialist 12/8 but was phoned on the Monday stating the Doctor was no longer doing evening sessions ( app was for 5.30) and would have to make day appointment. As there financial postion is extremely bad at moment he advised could not get time off during day to be replied to Sorry but Doctor no longer does evening...What does he do now..he is hanging on by a thread..Do these doctors think mental health issues are only 9-5...He is a father (3sons) and of course my daughter (his wife) does she have to wait for him to have another breakdown and have him admitted which will also mean they loose everything any advice plse

livinginhope non melancholic depression?
  • replies: 1

Is non melancholic depression a true thing? They say caused by external stressors (like a severe lack of sleep or work pressure) and that often the depression will go away when the stress goes away. That this is the most popular form of depression? I... View more

Is non melancholic depression a true thing? They say caused by external stressors (like a severe lack of sleep or work pressure) and that often the depression will go away when the stress goes away. That this is the most popular form of depression? Im joping its true and that fixing my partners insomnia will help fix his depression... wishful thinking???? Any ideas?