Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

SharlosDad Caring for socail anxiety
  • replies: 3

My son has had social phobia for 20 years. He lives with his mother and me. The diability pension is far too little for him to have his own home. He relies on us for a lot of his business dealings - interacting with Health Funds, Centrelink, etc. My ... View more

My son has had social phobia for 20 years. He lives with his mother and me. The diability pension is far too little for him to have his own home. He relies on us for a lot of his business dealings - interacting with Health Funds, Centrelink, etc. My wife and I are getting old and I want to try to teach my some how he can manage all his transactions by himself. I have searched high and low for literature on how I can train him to look after himself, but I cannot find much. Can someone recommend something, literature, a website anything that will help me?

joe_pilgrim My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder and I need some support
  • replies: 5

Struggling to support my wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder I am married for 11 years with 2 kids ( 10 yr old and 6 yr old ). After many years of observation plus my background as a mental health worker, I begin to realized that my wife may... View more

Struggling to support my wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder I am married for 11 years with 2 kids ( 10 yr old and 6 yr old ). After many years of observation plus my background as a mental health worker, I begin to realized that my wife may be suffering from BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) with excessive anxiety and low self esteem. A summary of her past includes history of verbal abuse from her father, lack of affirmation in her childhood years and she is generally an anxious person. She struggles with deep seated anger and resentment towards her father. She is anxious, indecisive and risk adverse. She is very sensitive to rejection. The issues now is that she gets highly emotional over small matters, overly defensive in speech, tend to blame others and later self-blame said things like “ so it’s all my fault”. She gets easily agitated and reactive in speech. When she becomes highly emotional, it hurts both of us. She finds it hard to say sorry and even harder to forgive someone. My heart forgives her from time to time even as I learn to accept her for who she is, for her strengths and her weaknesses. ( me too has strengths and weaknesses ). There is no doubt that I am committed to the family and will do everything possible to help our relationship and our family for the sake of each other’s mental health as well as for the well being of the kids. Well, she certainly has her strengths. She cares a lot for the children, cook and read to them. When she is in her good mood, she is a caring wife. I accept my wife as a beautiful person who suffers from BPD. I try to love her unconditionally and respect her as a person with dignity. I really want to help her heal from her deep seated wound. I have yet to tell her that she has BPD, because I could anticipate her denial. Though I mentioned that she has anxiety but she is not keen to seek professional help. But sometimes, I felt hurt and lonely when her cycles of “heightened emotions” continue repeatedly. I am realistic that it will take time but I felt that I do need someone out there whom I could relate to as a support for each other, since this is going to be “long haul” journey. That all for now.

Mia77 Depression/Anxiety In Young Children
  • replies: 3

Hey there I am wanting feedback/help from any parents out there dealing with kids that have overwhelming feelings they don't know how to deal with. I have an almost 11 year old son that for the last week has been very mopey, withdrawn, sad, angry, mi... View more

Hey there I am wanting feedback/help from any parents out there dealing with kids that have overwhelming feelings they don't know how to deal with. I have an almost 11 year old son that for the last week has been very mopey, withdrawn, sad, angry, miserable to name a few. This followed a bad scooter incident while he was at a friends b'day party (we, his parents, were not there). His history is that his father, my husband, does suffer very bad anxiety driven depression, to the point we nearly lost him to it 7 years ago. When speaking to the professionals way back then I happened to ask the question was this condition hereditary, to which he answered, yes - even moreso than diabetes. We live in a remote area without access to many facilities he has seen a physchologist (?) with the ed qld department Bush Kids as his confidence in himself was affecting his schoolwork, we have taken him to a general councillor which just wanted to talk at us and about his book he was publishing bleh, so in short we have tried different avenues to no avail, do I put this down to pre teen hormones and angst or do I pursue it and if so how/where/who? Please help it hurts to see my first born in pain when I have no idea how to help him????

Blithe Is it ok to tell my partner that I need him to get help so that I can cope?
  • replies: 4

Over the past few months my partner has become very negative and down. I believe he's had depressive episodes in the past but I'm not coping this time. There have been many changes for us this year - for me, this means most of my time and energy need... View more

Over the past few months my partner has become very negative and down. I believe he's had depressive episodes in the past but I'm not coping this time. There have been many changes for us this year - for me, this means most of my time and energy needs to go into my work and I'm really enjoying it. That's not to say that my relationship isn't a priority. Up until now I have tried to be there for my partner, invited him to talk, tried to help him figure things out and suggested places he can get more support. All of this is fruitless. It seems like there's almost some sort of satisfaction that comes from reinforcing how tough he has it. He never says anything positive anymore, and it's always everyone else's fault (or the whole universe's fault) that he feels the way he does. He's blameless. I'm at my wit's end. Dealing with his moods, hearing the same negative thoughts every day in every conversation, and wasting all my efforts is hard work. It's draining. I honestly don't think I can handle his depression AND my work without failing at both and breaking myself. I'm finding myself becoming resentful and dismissive of his negative comments. I've stopped asking about them or comforting him when they come up in (every) conversation. I feel like I've tried being there, I've tried being his "counsellor", I've tried asking him what he needs from me and I've tried in many ways to encourage him to get help. He says that I'm the only good thing in his life but I feel that I'm being taken for granted as the person he can dump on. I told him I can't handle it, and things got better for a few days but now they're back to how they were before. The only difference is I've stopped biting when he makes a comment about how bad life is etc etc. I feel angry and guilty for ignoring these comments but I feel that I've tried everything and I'm not willing to keep having the same pointless conversations he seems to want to have. Nothing ever changes and he doesn't want it to. A few weeks ago I was ready to marry this guy. There are moments when I still feel that way but I need to look after myself too. More and more I've been wondering if a life together would mean living for his depression, and if breaking up would bring me any relief. It's not what I want but I can't handle this and he won't try to help me help him. Is it selfish to talk to him about how I feel about his depression? To draw boundaries? To tell him that I need him to get help so that I can cope?

Lightness Wanting to support my husband
  • replies: 4

Hi, my name is Cathy and I am new here. I am hoping to get some support on how to live and support my husband. My husband was diagnosed with bi-polar last year ... 4 months in 'manic' stage and now he is just a 'shell'. Since February this year he ha... View more

Hi, my name is Cathy and I am new here. I am hoping to get some support on how to live and support my husband. My husband was diagnosed with bi-polar last year ... 4 months in 'manic' stage and now he is just a 'shell'. Since February this year he has just been so flat, no confidence, no emotion, no joy. I am finding it hard myself to stay positive and energised some days and just feel a bit alone here and not sure where to look for support...am I in the right place?

peter1977 Energy levels
  • replies: 4

Hi all just wanted to ask and see if others have any ideas for me . My partner of 21 years has been suffering depression for many years now and she has stopped all her meds under the supervision of her doc of course. Now she has her up days and down ... View more

Hi all just wanted to ask and see if others have any ideas for me . My partner of 21 years has been suffering depression for many years now and she has stopped all her meds under the supervision of her doc of course. Now she has her up days and down as to be expected but her main problem is her energy levels she feels really low and tired alot of the time .We have tried exercise at our local gym and many supplements from our chemist . She has had blood tests from her doctor that show all her levels are in great shape but yet her energy is so low .Has anyone else felt this and do you have any advice for me to pass on to her or anything you have taken as a pick me up for energy ?. I know there are no magic drugs out there for this kind of thing but maybe someone somewhere has tried something that works for always feeling tired . thanks

EdenH Husband suffers from depression but says I need to change
  • replies: 4

Hi, I hope someone can help me as I'm at my wits end and so confused. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety but wont speak to anyone about it, not even me as he says 'I don't listen and don't help him'. I have suggested the doctor or speakin... View more

Hi, I hope someone can help me as I'm at my wits end and so confused. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety but wont speak to anyone about it, not even me as he says 'I don't listen and don't help him'. I have suggested the doctor or speaking to a counsellor but he is resistant and doesn't think they can help. He thinks he is dealing with it but I know he isn't and I want to help him but don't know how. I have started seeing a counsellor alone as he wont go, I go so that I can get help with 'coping' strategies to help my husband. Well I went yesterday and had stuff on my mind, my husband asked me what was wrong so I told him my worries/concerns. This caused a heated discussion about how I don't need to see a counsellor I just need to stop playing the victim and face up to reality. I told him that his mood really effects me and he basically mirrored everything I said and said my mood effects him and that he can't do anything without second guessing how I'm going to react to it. I'm now left confused as there are two issues, one being the effects of the depression on our relationship and I guess how I react/don't react to it and secondly his depression on its own. What he has said has left me thinking maybe I have something wrong with me and maybe that I'm the one depressed or something. I such a positive upbeat person usually but lately all I've been doing is worrying about our relationship and if things will ever improve. He seems so self righteous to me when he lectures me when I bring up an issue it's always me who has to change or stop 'transferring the blame'. I hope this makes sense to someone as I'm so confused, I'm not perfect but I'm trying. He doesn't see I'm trying he just says I need to 'put the effort in'. Is he right? He says he's made lots of sacrifices and I haven't, he has put me first and in his eyes I've not done the same and he says he doesn't think I love him and he seriously thinks this which really upsets me as what am I still doing here if I don't? I would love to see a counsellor together to mediate so that we can get somewhere with our discussions. We have the same argument time and time again and he comes up with the same response time after time and refuses to see someone because I 'need to change' He said it was up to me what happens going forward. I don't see that as fair at all. I feel like we get nowhere. Sorry this may not make sense. Thanks for any help/advice. RELATED EARLIER THREAD Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help

lilly07 partner has clinical depression
  • replies: 7

Hello. Im new to this site.Ive been dating a lovely guy for about 4 months . Not long i know. We're both in our early 50s and have the beginnings of a ( i hope ) relationship . He has voiced that he feels a special bond beginning , i have said the sa... View more

Hello. Im new to this site.Ive been dating a lovely guy for about 4 months . Not long i know. We're both in our early 50s and have the beginnings of a ( i hope ) relationship . He has voiced that he feels a special bond beginning , i have said the same. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, a couple of year ago. Is on meds for this. About a week or so ago he hit a real low. He asked me for a little space . He came to see me on wed and said he always does this when his depression takes over . He pushes the people away that matter to him ,because he doesn't want to cause them hurt and pain. I have a young daughter , in early high school ,that lives with me . He said he wants to stay away from us because he doesn't want us to turn a up at his home and find him. He said hes ok for me to keep in touch by txt but while hes in this bad depression , will keep his distance. The good thing is , he has taken himself back to his GP , who has sent him to a psychiatrist and psychologist and is in the process of having his meds looked at and probably changed. My question here is , am i doing the right thing here ? , im limiting myself to just one txt a day . Ive been sending a good night txt . Up to this point ,he has answered me. I read somewhere that its a good idea to try and maintain physical contact but i dont want for him to feel extra pressure , as he has already said he will keep some distance. I would greatly appreciate any help or advice from anyone on here. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Surrburr How do I help him help himself?
  • replies: 2

Ive been dating my partner for >1 yr now. Im in a program that requires me to go abroad at the end of this year, for a min of 2 years. Ive always been up front about this. It was not an issue until Dec 2014, when he told me that he is not willing to ... View more

Ive been dating my partner for >1 yr now. Im in a program that requires me to go abroad at the end of this year, for a min of 2 years. Ive always been up front about this. It was not an issue until Dec 2014, when he told me that he is not willing to lose me, and that he'll come with me when I leave. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'd be taking him from home, but he was adamant. I slowly, with many times of needing reassurance that he was SURE, got used to the idea. He figured the easiest way to come with me was on a study visa, so he applied to a Uni close to where I'd be. We figured out finances, living situations, and logistics. The last piece of the puzzle was to get the visa before he was due to begin school. Then all hell broke loose--his visa was denied. He didnt tell me right away because I was in the middle of exams. I eventually got it out of him because he was acting oddly. He broke down and told me that he didn't think it would work and left. He avoided me for 2 days and then came over and broke up with me, sobbing and shaking. I pleaded for him to at least talk to me about it but he refused. My last request was that he go see someone for help. He is a worrier and has a long history of anxiety about leaving his parents due to a horrible event 2 years ago-- long story. I tried to mend myself but the next day he called me and told me he made a huge mistake. He asked me to come with him to the GP and I accepted, for I was concerned about his well-being. The doctor diagnosed him w/depression and gave him meds. He began seeing a psychologist. I've had trouble trusting him since. He is my best friend and I truly thought he was the one for me. But for him to turn on us so quickly scared me. I'm getting over it, but he makes it so hard. It's been a month, and while we are back together, it's not the same. He gets days where he is sad and laments the days before we started dating where he could be "carefree." I've told him I miss that self as well, and I want to help him get it back. He tells me things like how he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me, but he is so stressed about us. I admit, neither of us has been very happy for the past month; Ive been looking at it as a bump in the road. He looks at it like the end of the world. And the worst part is, I leave in 5 months and I don't know what to do. My heart aches for him and I don't want to lose him, but I'm at my wits end. How do I help him get out of this cycle?

Oilucy Finding it very difficult knowing how to support my partner
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We thi... View more

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We think the same way and have very similar feelings which is at times scary! We have chosen not to live together as yet as we each have 4 children of our own and are happy not co-habitating at this stage. Sadly though, he is suffering from depression. He separated from his wife of 24 years about 3 years ago. Since then she absolutely screwed him in the property settlement. In addition, and probably not dissimilar to a lot of fathers, he is paying a barely affordable amount per month in child support and school fees and has had no success in getting this reviewed. About once a month he gets into quite a depressed state. Normally it passes within 48 hours but this time we're on to the third day and tonight he refused to see me saying he wanted to be alone (but that he really loves me). When it is in the reverse and I feel upset, I want to be around him because he loves me and makes me happy, so I'm starting to get concerned by the way he is pushing me away and wants to be alone that perhaps his feelings for me aren't as deep as I initially thought. I really need some advice in how to handle this because to be honest, his actions at the moment are making me feel very unloved and very unwanted. I too am separated and know what I want and don't want in a relationship - and I certainly dont want to be in another relationship where I am not loved, wanted or appreciated. I should point out that this is not normally the case with us, but is when he gets down I feel all of the above and it just gets me down. He says I would be better off without him which I wonder is his way of wanting me to end it. I keep alternating from being very supportive of him to be really cross (inside) about being pushed away. He is a wonderful man and I have never taken him for granted so am trying to put a lot into our relationship. How do I handle this? At the moment I feel hurt and rejected and feel like saying "If you dont want me around go and find another girl that you do want around" but I know that given the circumstances its not about me its about his depression and I need help understanding how to support it as when he is not depressed our relationship is near perfect. He said he is going to his Dr about going on medication.