Partner with depression is in denial and won't agree to help

[Anonymous01]

Good afternoon everyone,

To whoever is reading this - thank you first and for most.
My partner of 10 years developed depression this year and whilst he hasn't been diagnosed it is evident to everyone close to him, including myself, that he had this. I believe he knows he does and despite many people trying to guide him and suggest he seek help, he won't do it. 'No, I won't go' is the response.

 It all started 5 months ago with him saying he 'felt different', saying it wasn't me and in time this got turned on its head and he said it was me and he was on the verge of splitting up with me and still doesn't know if his future lies with me.

Since then life has been like nothing I have experience before, he has had insomnia, overworks himself to avoid his problems and at times has lashed out at me over the most ridiculous things which over time and with education I have learn full well when he is simply 'not himself' and tell myself its not my fault and that it is what he is feeling in his head.

It got to a point that he asked me to leave for a while because he knew he 'wasn't being fair on me' and I am still living away from the home but still see him at least once a week and we speak every day. 

His mood swings are always immediately evident, for example, last week he was a cheery as i'd seen him in months but then this week he had quite a down day again and recoiled and got frustrated at times. He still says we can' give the relationship another go, that its a part of the problem' and I still wonder whether or not he continues to use all of this to avoid the most evident issues. 

All in all, I don't want him to throw his life away because of something he has developed and something he didn't choose to have, yet I cannot live with a man who will not help himself either. It is agreed by my family and I know myself I have handled the situation incredibly well up to this point.

 All I am left with is ultimatum, me or depression. 

If anyone has any experiences of their own I would love to hear from you.

Thank you again for listening to me.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi cosi44,

Welcome to BB and thanks for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry that your partner has depression and that you've had to ride the waves of it with him.

It concerns me a little that your partner isn't interested in counselling and flat out refuses.  Have you tried talking to him about why he is so insistent about not going?  Is he worried, afraid, frustrated?  What does he think will happen?

I do understand how depression can affect people in making them suffer with overworking, insomnia, withdrawing or pushing you away.  I also believe that at the same time that the person has to want to change.  We can't force people to get help; all we can do is love them.  

I would really encourage you to have another chat with your partner - how can he help himself get better if he doesn't want to see a counsellor?  What can you do together that can help things move forward?  How can he show you that he wants things to get better?

I hope this helps a little.  Feel free to reach out to the BeyondBlue hotline if you would like some more help.

BTW these sites may also be useful for you:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

[Anonymous01]

Thank you for your response romantic_thi3f, I appreciate your time.

 At the times I have suggested it he has responded with:
-no, I won't go.
-I've talked to everyone, I know how it is
-what is talking going to do

I've said 'why not give it a go, what if I booked it and went with you?'
'no I won't go'.

You are right to suggest I talk to him again about it and maybe I need to find another way of approaching it but he has not yet said why he wont go other than 'whats it going to do?' 

Then there is always the turnaround of 'its us, its work, its life' and the continuous mood swings and up and down days that are so very sad to witness.

I have been watching some of the WHO videos as posted by other users and found them incredibly helpful and wonder if showing him something like this might help. The Beyond Blue 'Depression and Anxiety booklet' is also very informative. I left literature with him for a while but I don't know that it got touched.

I can only continue doing the little things as I know that it is genuinely up to him to get help and I will never know how long that will take. I may not be around to see it and that is the scariest part. I just want him to feel better in his life right now and I have considered going to see my own Councillor for advice and support.

[geoff]

dear Anonymous, hello and what you have said unfortunately happens too often, because this hurdle is enormous to jump over, and it can break up a relationship, even when two people love each other.

Even if we force our partner to go to counsellor this wouldn't be successful, because their heart is not in it, so we have to wait until they are willing to seek help, and how long this could happen, well we don't know, but the longer they procrastinate the faster the relationship will end, I don't feel as though we can blame anyone here, because it's a catch 22 situation.

The depressed person is oblivious knowing exactly what is happening, their only thought is for the couple to separate, that's the easiest solution, but it doesn't solve their depression and what they are struggling with.

What can happen to people who won't seek counselling is that something even worse will happen to them, which will then shock them into realising that they do need help, and when this happens, well we don't know.

You have asked whether it's 'me or depression', so there comes a time when even love won't be strong enough to hold you together, this may sound to be unfair for your partner, but we are addressing your post, so you have to try and talk to him again, and if he still refuses to get help, then you have to move on.

I know that you will worry about him, and I understand this, but you can't do what he won't do for himself, because it will only pull you into depression yourself, however if you do decide to go, there is still the concern that you yourself won't become depressed, because you will miss having the relationship and love from him, but at the moment this isn't happening.

Can I suggest that you go and visit your doctor to try and ward off any suggestion of becoming depressed, and I mention this because it's very important. L Geoff. x

[Anonymous01]

Hi Geoff, thank you also for your response.
It resonates with me greatly because it is what family and friends have discussed repeatedly with me - that it is something that the person cannot face until they are ready and willing too, no matter how much a partner may try to help. I have never been a pushy or forceful partner in regards to any situation with him, and having tried lately to offer some suggestion of help I know theres only so much I can do. It lies with the individual.

I am booking in with my local GP today for referral to a Councillor as I genuinely wish to speak someone removed from my personal situation and need some guidance.

The time away from my own home has been an interesting one as because I am still there at times and communicate with him frequently I can still see from afar the battles with mood that he faces even without me, lack of sleep and the focus on work at home that he uses to keep his mind off things. 

There will be a time I need to face the fact that if he doesn't help himself I will have to make decisions, it is just the hardest thing I will ever do in my life as I wish only for his happiness, love and treatment for his illness.

I thank all those reading and responding to this, this website is a bundle of resource and knowledge.

[geoff]

dear Anonymous, thanks for getting back to us, and I am pleased that your family and friends have given you the advice.

I feel that you are upset that this relationship can't be resolved as simply as it sounds, but you sound to be a strong confident person, taking away the fact of the situation you are in, because when we love someone and want a long time relationship , but it then begins to seem impossible, is so disappointing, but no one would be able to know or understand what is troubling him, because he won't be able to open up to us.

I could never open up to my wife (ex), my sons or even my twin brother, plus the rest of my family, and I know that they must have been disappointed that I never told them, but where could I ever start, there was too much that was troubling me, and could never feel comfortable in opening up, because my problems was just like a spider web, too confusing.

I am so pleased that you are seeing your doctor, and remember you can get 10 free visits to see a psychologist under the mental health plan, or just ask your doctor.

It's going to be a journey where it's going to upset you, disappoint you, but can you trust me when I say there will be so many positive outcomes and experience that will come out of this, I know that you don't feel this way, but please try and accept this, because after a long time in depression myself I have learnt so much. L Geoff. x

[CtrlAltDelete]

Hi Anonymous01, I feel like we are sort going through a very similar thing. My partner of 10 years was diagnosed about 5 years ago but refuses to do anything about it. He took medication for a while but then decided it wasn't for him and just stopped taking it. He flat out refuses to go to any sort of counselling because he thinks it wouldn't help at all and they would just ask "how do you feel?" or "how's your relationship with your father?"

It's so hard when you feel so powerless to help them!!

After so long I've just gotten to a point where I just resent him for not trying and I can't even stand being in the same room as him. It's really sad as I felt we had a real future ahead of us and this "thing" has just gotten so big and has come between us.

I'm at a point where I want to leave him for the sake of my own mental health ( I also suffer from anxiety and depression, but I'm mostly on top of it now), but I'm scared of how he'll react. I'm scared of him begging me not to go or that he'll do something else that I'll just feel so guilty, I'll go back to him.

Sorry, I shouldn't ramble about myself.

 I hope he'll see that getting help would be the best thing and yes it takes time and there is no quick fix, but it will help eventually. It's just a matter of finding the right thing for him.

Good luck and best wishes

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Anonymous01,

Thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry that he's not ready to see a counsellor.  From your reply it sounds as though he is being a little defensive, using short word answers.  

in response to "I've talked to everyone, I know how it is" - we simply don't.  Every counsellor that I've seen is so different. I've never seen two counsellors the same.

in response to "what's talking going to do?" It might help.  Is there any harm in one appointment?  Note that a lot of counsellors don't always 'talk' - sometimes it might be offering more practical advice.

The only other thing I can think of to help is to try and work without the counsellor; so if it was me and my partner I would say "Ok, I can see you don't want to go, but I'm concerned about you and I want you to feel better. What can I do to help?" That way instead of trying to insist a counsellor would be useful, it's helping redirect control on him by letting him decide and try and make decisions.  It might even be worth considering to take a few days of leave away, as sometimes when people overwork they can feel like they are in 'zombie mode' so by taking a break it might encourage him to open up more.

I also think it's great that you are seeing a counsellor- as they can also provide tips and techniques on what might be good ways to approach him, but also about taking care of yourself first.  

Good luck.

[Carmela]

Hi Anonymous, you have received some great advice from the Beyondblue Champions, but l would like to add one more thing for it may help.

I too have a husband with depression.   In the past, we both have had endless years of suffering from his depression. We have been together 17 years. The one thing that helped my husband sees that he needed help was through a friend. I turned to my husband’s closest friend to speak with him as I just couldn’t get through not matter how hard I tried. This was a friend he had known for many years and could see what was happening to our marriage. Fortunately, this worked after a number of catch ups.  Whilst this was occurring, I would leave literature about the house that covered depression and the importance of seeking help.  The two worked well as he soon began to read the material.

You are a brave and courageous woman with hope in your heart. I wish you blessing on this journey.  

Carmela 

[geoff]

dear Anonymous, I have been reading all the replies a couple of times and I felt as though I needed to reply again, and to say what, well I'm not sure I even know, but it has drawn me back to your post, maybe because it resonates with me so strongly.

As much as we try and get our partner/spouse to go to counselling, by suggesting, encouraging or even begging pleading and they refuse, we feel helpless and disappointed, but unless they want to help themselves, the struggle will continue.

It may sound to be cruel, but it's no different than telling an alcoholic to stop drinking, because they have to want to stop.

Unfortunately there are so many repercussions that come out of all of this. L Geoff. x