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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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livinginhope non melancholic depression?
  • replies: 1

Is non melancholic depression a true thing? They say caused by external stressors (like a severe lack of sleep or work pressure) and that often the depression will go away when the stress goes away. That this is the most popular form of depression? I... View more

Is non melancholic depression a true thing? They say caused by external stressors (like a severe lack of sleep or work pressure) and that often the depression will go away when the stress goes away. That this is the most popular form of depression? Im joping its true and that fixing my partners insomnia will help fix his depression... wishful thinking???? Any ideas?

CarlyG Anxious sister, Mum in denial
  • replies: 4

My younger sister has been diagnosed with anxiety and recalls having felt this way for the past 10 years. She is actively seeking treatment and has tried meditation, counselling and medication. I understand these things sometimes get worse before the... View more

My younger sister has been diagnosed with anxiety and recalls having felt this way for the past 10 years. She is actively seeking treatment and has tried meditation, counselling and medication. I understand these things sometimes get worse before they get better, and treatment is unique for everyone. I am supporting her in every way possible, and am encouraging her to keep trying different medications and counsellors as I'm sure she will find something that works for her eventually. However, our mother (who has suffered bouts of anxiety herself) believes medication can have unwanted side effects, and doctors over-diagnose mental health illnesses. My mum's views are only causing my sister more anxiety, as she now has trouble deciding what, if any, treatments she should try. Lately her anxiety has been the worst it's ever been. Mum's views are causing issues in the whole family as every time her and I talk about it we end up having a huge disagreement, and she has had many disagreements with my sister as well. I just want her to support my sister's decisions, whatever they may be, as all I want to do is see her happy (side-effects, medication - whatever it takes!). But I can't get through to Mum…if anyone has any ideas on how to change her perspective, or someone who could talk to her I would be really grateful to hear it. The whole topic has become a taboo between us but for my sister's sake I need to get through to her.

Maac Lost
  • replies: 2

hi this is a first for me but I need to talk and thought this would be a good starting point. I have been with my husband 14 years, married 9 years and have 2 kids 8 & 6 my husband has recently told me he is unhappy at work and home I didn't know how... View more

hi this is a first for me but I need to talk and thought this would be a good starting point. I have been with my husband 14 years, married 9 years and have 2 kids 8 & 6 my husband has recently told me he is unhappy at work and home I didn't know how to respond so I told him to go and talk to someone and he has so that's a start he feels he has lost his life and doesn't do anything for himself so I told him to go out find stuff to do I wrote a list of all the things he used to do when we were younger and gave it to him to think about the thing is now I feel like I'm pushing him to Doo stuff and I'm not enough I just want to help him but I cry all day and I feel I'm just making it worse when I love him so much I just want to help he has gone away for work for 3 weeks he can come home on weekends but I told him to stay and do something for himself and not think about us I told him I don't want him not to come home on the weekends but if he needs the time to use it I just want him happy but it's now killing me thinking he might leave me and the kids I don't want him to give up and I have told him I'm not going anywhere but I am dragging myself into a hole I have not told anyone and can't talk to anyone and I'm trying to keep the kids out of it too they know dad is sad but that's all I just wanted to get this off my chest keeping it in is hard by myself

Titch60 Son with Depression struggling to find a job
  • replies: 3

My Son, who is now in his mid 20's, had severe depression and anxiety during his time at university and whilst he has now graduated his academic record is poor. He hasn't got much by way of work experience and as a result he is struggling to find a j... View more

My Son, who is now in his mid 20's, had severe depression and anxiety during his time at university and whilst he has now graduated his academic record is poor. He hasn't got much by way of work experience and as a result he is struggling to find a job. Are there support groups, or similar that could provide him with support and help in his job search?

Fhar Depressed Husband seeking help ...
  • replies: 5

Hi all. I am new to this forum and finally decided to post and share my experience. I have been reading the threads for over a year now and found I can related to so many of you. The reason why it has taken me this long to post something is most like... View more

Hi all. I am new to this forum and finally decided to post and share my experience. I have been reading the threads for over a year now and found I can related to so many of you. The reason why it has taken me this long to post something is most likely because I don't know where to start. So I'll try my best to be precise and share my story. I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2.5 years) since I was 18. We have had so many ups and downs since the very start. He has always been an intense person and myself the complete opposite. The relationship was intense from the start -cultural difference and jealousy over money (claiming I was born with a silver spoon) were always a sore point for him ... Anyhow all of that has passed as we've grown older. We have grown up with each other and taken on each other's good traits etc. Over the years he and his family have suffered a series of unfortunate events including selling up of the family farm, his parents having to start fresh, moving his parents around the different rentals and so on. Then the worst thing happened 5 years ago. His older sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed. To top that off his dad lost it and disappeared for a few months, leaving his mother behind who moved in with us. Moving on to the next chapter in our lives. Since the wedding we've purchased our first home, are working together, have good income and the parents have gotten back together. We're at the point where we should be happy and content. However, about 1.5 year ago I have noticed his mood swings coming back and his lack of motivation. He has been secretly drinking, won't get out of bed, you name it all the symptoms of depression and anxiety. Its almost unbearable because his depression is affecting our personal relationship and work relationship. I feel like I am dealing with his depression 24 hours a day. I have confronted him with his issues and twice he promised he would get help ... nothing eventuated from that. Recently we have lost our pets to what we think is foul play which has worsen his condition especially his anger. However, I believe that was also the turning point. He has begged me to help him get help as he knows how much he's been hurting me and he wants to get out of the 'hole' and move on with life and be happy. We are getting a referral from the GP. I just hope we find the right person he is comfortable talking to. Any thoughts please ...

Elbelshel Caring for my long distance boyfriend who is depressed
  • replies: 2

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. He lives in the USA, and I live in Sydney, so in all the time we have been together we have only had about eight weeks of physical time together (we met on the last two weeks of my uni... View more

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. He lives in the USA, and I live in Sydney, so in all the time we have been together we have only had about eight weeks of physical time together (we met on the last two weeks of my university exchange). He is depressed and I am really struggling to know how to care for him with all this distance between us.He swings between being very idealistic and optimistic to being incredibly hopeless and depressed.He called me today. He was drunk (he normally never drinks). He told me he had been thinking about his life and feeling like he would never amount to anything and never achieve any of his goals. He told me that he felt like he couldn't feel any pain.Obviously this was pretty distressing to hear, especially because I am so far away. When I have been caring for my friends and family as they go through various stages of depression I have always been able to support them by being a physical presence, so that even if they didn't want to talk then I would be there.I don't know how to care for my boyfriend. He just cried and cried and every time I would start to speak he would get agitated or just go silent until he told me he needed to be alone and hung up. He is normally not like this at all. He is not an inconsiderate or cruel person. No one has ever made me feel more cared for and valued than he has. I spent the whole day so stressed and worried that I felt sick. He has stood by me through so much, in particular in helping me through PTSD after being raped, so its not like this is our first big issue to work through or anything. I want to be able to care for him so badly.He sent me a message before he went to bed (responding to the ones I had left him after the phone call) saying that he knows I am trying to care for him, but he just feels very exasperated and like he is a robot, and everyone else is a robot too. He said that human contact is just exhausting him and he wants to be alone.We were in a bit of a rough spot before this last downwards swing and he said he wants me to give up on him and put myself first, that he doesn't want to hold me back, and that I can't love him the way he needs to be loved. This all hurts so much.Has anyone been in a similar situation (in either my position or his)? Does anyone have any tips for how to care for someone going through this when you can't be physically there for them?

Sufi Is there a line?
  • replies: 3

My first post here and I reach out in hope. My partner of nearly 2 years comes from an upbringing of physical and emotional abuse yet yearns for their love. (I never appreciated my own family until this past 2 years. How so integral is the love that ... View more

My first post here and I reach out in hope. My partner of nearly 2 years comes from an upbringing of physical and emotional abuse yet yearns for their love. (I never appreciated my own family until this past 2 years. How so integral is the love that a parent should give their child. So so sad.) He has tried to cope with this by alcohol and substance 'abuse' which only leads to scary scary anger and heightened emotional states. Threats of suicide..so many hurtful words and actions...lies...lies...unemployment...disconnection; depression and anxiety. His mother placed an AVO on him in Feb; police charged him with Intimidation which he is on a good behavior bond for; he drove my new car high range DUI in April. Crashed it several times over what must have been a petrifying 15mins for him. He has seen a Psychologist 8 times since. Finally has a referral for a Psychiatrist but has had no sense of urgency to get this. The cynical part of me says if he didn't need it for court he wouldn't even have got this far with the referral. He still drinks; particularly when he thinks he can get away with it. This is a whole new experience for me. I thought I could help him. I thought I was strong enough. If I showed him how amazingly wonderful life could be he would join me. Our spirits would soar together. After another verbal abuse and manipulative episode on Friday I told myself that was it. No more. But, how can I let a human being who suffers from mental illness fall. He has no-one else. He has no-where else to go. It so goes against everything I value. Yet...my work, my health, my own outlook on life is so much less. Where do you draw the line?

Iamme Troubles with unwell husband, my father says put up or shut up
  • replies: 6

HI..my hubby who they say has metal issues.and has had issues with his mother..so intimacy is a big issue in our relationship...he instantly reacts to things i say and do....and my father says put up shut up. or leave...it's only moments that he is t... View more

HI..my hubby who they say has metal issues.and has had issues with his mother..so intimacy is a big issue in our relationship...he instantly reacts to things i say and do....and my father says put up shut up. or leave...it's only moments that he is the way he is...but with no intimacy for over 15 years none even on our wedding day....and with every excuse that is made....what am I to do... I even say to him that a hug that lasts over 2 minutes it is therapeutic...he dismisses it and walks away from me wining under his breath...leavening me to feel...like I don't know what...he reminds me of a spoilt child who got away with what he wanted until he was confronted with his mother.....who was abusive...so obviously he fights back...and I am sick of him trying to start fights over nothing... I continue to be numb....shut up and put up....so exhausted. to top this off...I put this post on yesterday. this morning He wanted me to give him some paper work, which I was having trouble dealing with, I said to him I would have it finished later today, which seamed not good enough so he stood up to me and argued i kept my cool, Told him not to excert his power over me... he had a melt down cried told me to not come near him he was so close to hitting me. I kept cool. he dealt with it his way by walking it off after a cold shower and crying....I did bring up to him that the forms I had to fill out were hard for me and I was dealing with past issues. which he got so upset with as the past has been hard. but it seamed like a long time coming as the tension around the house has been uneasy, he did quit his job 3 weeks ago over similar issues, he had trouble with a female boss, who did the same sort of thing he had to make some decisions as she was away for the week and when she came back was not happy and he said she was putting him down so he couldn't take it anymore and quit, he was surprised that I understood how he felt, and has been dealing with it. but this morning he was so angry he broke his laptop and broke the reclining bin...I kept away from him and let him deal with himself, as I don;t think I can do anything when he does this but be there and be me in the best way I can ....for our family...my son who is 19 understands but he said I would not act that way mum I feel like it but i am a coward to go that far. now I am at work they seam fine and are doing things together today..

Jackman I believe my partner has depression I want to learn more about it
  • replies: 5

I have been looking through these forums to relate to my partner. My name is John. I want to find out more how other people cope when their partner is depressed. My partner who 33 goes into these terriable black holes, as I call it. Loses intrest in ... View more

I have been looking through these forums to relate to my partner. My name is John. I want to find out more how other people cope when their partner is depressed. My partner who 33 goes into these terriable black holes, as I call it. Loses intrest in everything around her except her children. Of course our relationship goes on the back burner (the barriers go up and I can not get near her). I have been her for 3.5 Years now and have seen her get progressivly worse. I love this woman very much and would go to wits end to help her. I am a bit of the old school if your partner is ill you stand by them. I have told her I believe she has depression. Which I beieve she has accepted. when I talked to her about it she says scince she was 7. She felt this blackness and fear.She has had 5 children. She says then only time she is happy is when she has children. As I mentioned before her condition is prgresivly getting worse. I do not believe there was a time in the past 12 months she was happy and she has been very distant from me in this time. I know she still loves me I feel it deep down. I just want to know if other people out there understand what I am saying and can relate. Where do I go from here. How can I help my partner. It hurts to see someone I love so sad all the time. Playing games on her phone to get away from reality. Of course I get a lot of self doupt. Like I am I causing the problem. Geez I am going around the twist. Anyway would be good to get some advice and hear back from people who are in a simnliar situation. Thanks for reading this.

Louisem His depression is ruining our relationship
  • replies: 2

Hello, my name is lousiem and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post! For as long as I have known my partner he has suffered depression and anxiety. He is on medication but it took a long time to find the right one and he's recently had to ... View more

Hello, my name is lousiem and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post! For as long as I have known my partner he has suffered depression and anxiety. He is on medication but it took a long time to find the right one and he's recently had to increase the dose as the depression has returned. He copes by drinking, which we all know doesn't fix anything but he tells me its the only thing that calms him. He has only been drinking white spirits as wine turns him into someone I don't recognise but the last few weeks its been wine, beer and spirits and he has even started being secretive about his drinking. We started seeing a counsellor at the start of the year because it was either that or end the relationship and up until the depression returned we had been going well. He's always found it hard to communicate so this has been a safe environment for both of us to share our feelings. He's now refused to return to counselling and I'm struggling to even get him to have one final session so I can continue to see the same counsellor. I feel that everything is unravelling and its starting to feel like it did six months ago and although I love him dearly and know he can't help how he feels I'm not sure I want my life to be like this. Its dragging me down and its not fun anymore. I've thought about leaving but I feel that would be the worst thing I could do for him right now but how do I manage my own happiness while supporting him? His 15 year old son lives with us full time (his sons mother lives 4.5 hours away) and we have a good relationship so if I left this would impact him as well. Do I just ride the wave and do what I can to look after myself or should I give him an ultimatum - continue with counselling or its over? Maybe I should have a break from our situation and move out for a while? He is a wonderful man and I've waited a long time to find someone like him but depression and anxiety wasn't part of the deal. Has anyone ever been in a similar position to me? If you have how have you managed it? I'd be grateful if you could share your thoughts and experiences.