Boyfriend Struggling with Depression - I don't know how to support him, but want to dearly.

[Evolution]

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I really wanted some advice from people who may understand what's going on. I'm very torn, I have a boyfriend who I live with, and have been with for over 5 years. I'm 21 years old. He helped me escape my abusive family and has always supported me in any way he can when I was at my worst, I was suffering with depersonalisation disorder for awhile but have been very stable for awhile now and I am in a very good head space. I'm in a really good place at the moment, emotionally and financially and just really positive about the future and excited, in fact I haven't felt this good about life for quite awhile. My boyfriend has been suffering with depression for quite awhile, and is currently on medication for it, I apologise I can't remember the name of it (I think it starts with a L, but not too sure). He switched to it awhile  ago because his previous one was really bringing him down, but his current one really isn't working well either (bringing him down alot). He's been on it for at least 4 - 5 months I'd say. 

He hasn't been able to really be involved in my life in a deep or intimate way for a long time, we haven't been sexually or even really romantically intimate for awhile and it really takes its toll on the relationship. In the past, before he had decided to see a psychologist (for years) I would say, that I was worried that being with me (in a relationship), just brought him down further (emotionally), because being a boyfriend comes with responsibilities that I just didn't think he was up to, such as being a good partner and being intimate, and when he couldn't fulfil those responsibilities it'd just depress him further. I don't like putting pressure on him, as his girlfriend I want to help him recover and learn to feel better about himself. But I just feel bad asking anything of him though, and the main reason I wanted to make this post was because I feel like I'm starting to live my life without him. As though I'm starting to simply do the things I want to do and enjoy, but he is no longer part of those things. Such as going out or enjoying life, and I feel like he's more my room mate that I see when I'm at home, but he's not an intimate part of my life anymore. How do I support him, he says he doesn't want to see a psychologist for awhile, and I want to help him, but I don't know how to keep the relationship afloat - I try talking to him but he doesn't want to explore his emotional depths atm - Thank you.

[trustlife]

Hi Evolution, Thanks for contacting us. Your post reads very well and says quite a lot. I fully appreciate you may be caught in the middle of a happy exciting life and a drawn down frustrating experience.

You can stop putting pressure on yourself with any form of blame. You know that's a no no and you also know it's not true. From reading your concerns he needs to understand the 1) you cannot keep the relationship afloat on your own and 2) he needs to do something about his situation. It might sound a bit cruel to say but some part of him is watching you running around trying everything and seeing you fail. I'd suggest you stop. I love your commitment to enjoying life and really that's the key for you both. I'd stress that you genuinely do want to help him but the degree of your input is measured by his degree of openness. It's fine that he doesn't want to explore his emotional depths but tell him you don't need a roommate. Does that make sense? Either way whatever the reaction is it will all start to become easier for you. If he genuinely wants to shut you out further, well that's unfortunate, but it's not going to be the two of you going down. You made that very clear and I was delighted to read that.  If on the other hand he wakes up, then away you both go on a positive path. Do steer him towards professional help and build on him making that first necessary step.

[geoff]

dear Evolution, hello and it's nice to be able to talk to you.

Oh yes we do understand what you are saying, and can happen very often in a relationship, which is sad because he saved you from your previous lifestyle, and it seems to be back-firing on him, not by you, but by depression.

You seem to be a lovely caring girlfriend, one which many people would love to have on board, but with his illness it will starve any affection, communication and sexual desires, because that's what this disease always achieves.

I would suggest that he gets his medication reviewed by his doctor, as it should be working now after 4 or 5 months and perhaps should have been done much earlier, but we sit and hope that tomorrow he will pick up again with this AD.

You are sitting in the balance here on what you should do, and as you have posted your comment, we have to address you.

Depression is normally a long term problem, unless you have a relapse which can be only be for a short time, however it can also take awhile to recover.

Why I am saying this is because you will have to decide whether you want to start a new life, or stay for the rocky journey ahead, and if you decide to go, then this doesn't mean that you still care or love him, and perhaps then keep in contact with him.

This maybe a difficult decision because you do want to help him through this, but you have to remember that there is a chance he may not want your help, by blocking you off and not communicating with you, which will make you feel despondent, frustrated and annoyed and your intimacy will never be there or return.

If he doesn't want to see a psychologist, then the chance of him wanting to talk to is remote, and remember you can still keep in contact with him even if you find another person to love. L Geoff. x