I need advice, Partners depression is affecting our daughter.

[Nickname_63074E8E-1878-45]

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. His depression really kicked in 4 years ago, but the severity waxes and wanes. But this last year has been the worst. All year. Our daughter is 8 (not his biological but the daughter of his heart) our son is 10 months. He is rude and short to her. He rides her constantly. She confessed she feels like she can't do anything right. He ignores her when she's excited about something (unintentionally) he rarely plays with her. I have spoken to him and most of the time he gets angry and denies it. Sometimes he can see what he's doing when I've pointed it out and he tries, but it doesn't last more than a day or two. It's killing her, she adored him and now she's withdrawing from him. I know he loves her. But he can't seem to see the damage its doing to her. I don't want to leave him, I love him. I want to help him, and leaving now would only make it worse for him. But I can't let him do this to her either. He is getting help, sporadically. He only started 3 months ago. What do I do? I'm torn. I will do what's best for my daughter because I'm a mum and that's what we do. I'm just hoping one of you might be able to come up with an idea that could help us stay or help him realise the damage he's doing. Thanks.

[Neil_1]

Hi there guest3360

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Oh boy, what a difficult situation this is for you.

And really, something has got to be done in this situation and soon – because as you may already know, things that happen to us as youngsters have the capacity to stay with us throughout our lives – be they good and wonderful things.  Or be they unfortunately not so good things and these things can really play on us in our adult lives.

This man of yours – has depression, but you say he only gets assistance sporadically.  AND he’s had it for years and yet he only just starting seeking and getting help – in my opinion, he should have been seeking out help a long time ago.

Still, better late than never.

But he needs to get to see his gp and he needs to seek out professional support for his depression.

I’m wondering when he makes an appointment, whether he’d be ok with you possibly going along as well – to kind of spiel out to the doc (in a good and loving way, of course) the things that are and have been happening with your daughter.

He really needs to be made aware that how he’s interacting with your daughter will be having a major effect on her – that’s if he actually can’t see it for himself.

I hope I haven’t overstepped my mark here – and hope that I’ve said something that was at least a little useful.

Would like to hear back from you on this.

Neil

[Carmela]

Hi Guest_3360, 

I can see from your post that your partner is behaving in a way that is causing you great concern and distress.

I was once in this position with my husband who has depression.  I will share with you what worked for me and my 9 year old son.

1. I located a group called 'COPMI' - Children of Parents with a Mental Illness.  They provide wonderful resources to assist children in understanding mental health facts and challenges when living with a grown up with depression.  I highly recommend your Google COPMI and contact them to get your hands on their free resources. My son gained a lot from reading and watching the free DVD's COPMI provided. This was supplemented with lots of open and honest discussion. 

2. My son saw a psychologist to ensure we covered all bases as I was cognisant of the fact that children living with a depressed mum or dad can compromise their mental health. 

3. I pulled up my husband gently when he spoke in a way that was unacceptable. I did not argue as this would quickly see his disengage. 

4. I told my son every day that l love him.

I understand that it's a delicate situation supporting a partner and ensuring our children are healthy and safe. No matter how much we love our partners and want to help them, they will not change until they come to the realisation themselves and see what the effects of their behaviour has on other family members.

I hope l have helped in some small way - Carmela 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Guest 3360

Often juggling the needs of everyone in the family can be a challenge – especially when one in the family is really struggling due to depression. But as you have identified, the needs of your daughter in this situation must be a priority. As Neil suggests it sounds like it would be useful for your partner to get back into more regular contact with a GP or a health professional.

While he may not be able to see the effect of his mental health on the family regular contact with a health professional would help him to address his depression, but it is also likely that a health professional would talk with him about how he is coping in the family.

As Neil suggested, it might also be useful if you could attend an appointment with him so that you can have a supported but honest conversation about what you are concerned about and why. The other support to perhaps consider is something for your daughter. It could be something that your school counsellor could offer but if not, then your local community health centre might be able to offer support and care.

In linking in with a child psychologist or counsellor your daughter would have the chance to share how she is feeling and perhaps learn a little more about depression and how it effects people. This might also help her to understand that there might be times that your partner is not very interested in playing but that at other times, when he is a bit better, he is likely to want to interact again with your daughter more positively.

You might also find a few good children’s books about parents and depression might be helpful to encourage conversations between you and your daughter about what is happening and how this is affecting her. Guest 3360, as you say a mum does what they can for their children and it is clear that you have your daughter’s best interests at heart.

Children are resilient. Surround your daughter  with your love and your care; and ensure that she feels able to talk with you when troubles arise.  It might take a little while to work out the best way forward – some options may work, others may not, but keep coming back here to talk through ideas. We are here to support you, listen and offer ideas when we can.

Take care Guest 3360.