husbands struggle

[Cautiouswife]

Hi

My story with depression came to light 8 months ago when my husband came to me and said he was having anxiety attacks and needed help. I suggested to him to see out GP and he was quickly diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was prescribed an anti - depressant and referred to a psychologist. Over the next few months his condition got worse he stopped taking his medication and would frequently disappear he also tried to harm himself a few times. Eventually he did get prescribed a new anti-depressant that seems to be working for him now, he is a lot calmer more often. However he recently moved out of our house and into his parents after I became suspicious over another girl he had been contacting, he didn't think I trusted him anymore and made a snap decision and left.  

It has been a month now and we are talking and he says he loves me and he misses us and wants to come back but when I ask what is stopping him he say's that its himself and he wants to fix that first, then shuts down and often changes character and runs away again. I want to help but I don't know where to help him, I'm also not sure if I should ask him to often.

 I would love nothing more then to have him home again and I think he wants the same. I'm sure that time will help but I don't know how long I should wait I feel helpless sitting on the outside. 



 

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[white knight]

Hi Cautious wife, welcome here.

I've read your post 3 times. I'm thinking that he is hesitant because of your relationship with him rather than "he has to fix himself up". Often people say that because they don't want argument.

There is two of you in the relationship not just one. Yes he might well need to find solutions/medication/therapy for himself but in terms of your relationship it isn't only him that needs "fixing"...its both of you. If his only issues were his mental health- he'd be battling that at home with you.

You can contact Relationships Australia or any family counsellor to get the ball rolling.

Hope you are ok

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Cautious Wife

Hello! Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you have come here to get some help and support.

Depression is an illness, but manifest itself in a different way to physical illnesses. If someone was delirious you may expect them to try and do unsafe acts, but depression isn't delirium. People try to run away from it, deny it is happening, push others away because they feel "unworthy". Often they are unaware of how their actions are perceived by others. To a depressed person their actions are perfectly logical.

So when your husband says he want to fix himself up before he returns home, he believes it is a logical and good thing to do. In one way you have told him he is untrustworthy by contacting a girl. Do you know why he talks to her? I can appreciate how you can feel in this situation as I am sure I would feel upset also.

If you can put this aside and tell him how much you and the children care and miss him it may start some trust between you. Have a chat to your GP about the situation and how you can best help your husband. Does he still see his psychologist? If not, can you persuade to start again or get him to talk to his GP about it? The reality is that people rarely get well on their own.

If your husband can come home to a loving and caring family who will accept his illness he will get well again more quickly. Please do not think I believe you are to blame for his depression or leaving home. Depression hits anyone, anywhere. And it can be hard to live with.

You need to be as informed as possible about this. At the top of the page click on The Facts and Resources, then explore the drop down lists. BB will send you any of this information. Also remember the 24/7 helpline 1300 22 4636. When you feel miserable or upset talk to someone at BB or call Lifeline on 13 14 11. Both services can give you help and suggestions to manage this situation.

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Cautiouswife, hello and nice to be able to talk with you.

I can only feel sorry for any relationship that breaks up due to depression, it's such a cruel, miserable beast which has the strength to inflict this upon us and can destroy what we once thought would last forever.

I do understand that we always advice people with this illness to contact someone close to them, so that their issues can be discussed, but when the opposite sex is involved, it then increases our fear or curiosity of what is actually happening and often fear the worst.

' He say's that its himself and he wants to fix that first', but if he loves you and does want to return, wouldn't it be much better if he was at home where he can get all the help he needs, or is this other lady too much for him to give up.

I'm sorry but I am always suspicious, probably because this is what happened with me, even though my ex and I still talk and see each other, but trust is such a powerful word and means so much in a relationship.

The decision for him to return home has to be made by him, and the longer he stays away the harder it will be for him to do so.

He does need help, but it should be from you and not this other lady, who maybe grooming him on her ideas, and not how your family would find ideal, because a family develops over time, what you like and what he likes and any issues that both of you dislike, which maybe totally to what she is telling him.

He may change his character because depression is controlling him, which is what does happen, however these other thoughts and ideas maybe influencing him.

Can I please suggest that you yourself contact your doctor, as I would expect that all of this is causing you great pain, frustration and annoyance. L Geoff. x