Husband Depressed, but wont seek help and blames it one everyon/everything else. Im finding it hard to stay but we have a 2 year old.

[Nymphadora_Tonks]

I sincerely thank anyone who reads this sorry in advance for the ramble!

I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have a 2yo old child together and I love him but that love is fading. He started showing signs of depression about a year ago when his boss started being abusive and messing with his head, Ordering him to do something, & then yelling at him for doing it etc. He also started 5 home renovations & wanted to complete them himself in a ridiculously short time frame. When he realised that this couldnt be done, he completely broke down. He wouldnt eat or drink, wouldnt leave the bed for days using a various range of excuses, & saying he didnt want to live anymore. I waited on him hand & foot and tried to help all while being told to F** off etc, & then in the next breath, 'please dont leave me, i love you' etc. Since this time, he has gone in waves of sleeping all day, being verbally abusive, hurtful or manupilative, Staying up all hours of the night & picking at his face to the point where i've suspected drugs were involved. He took out a large personal loan & borrowed money from his family, all up about $8000 worth & i have no idea what he spent it on (he doesn't know that I know this). I dont know how to confront him about it without him blowing it into a huge argument full of lies & excuses. He started seeing a phychologist in February at my request, who unfortunately was TERRIBLE. She only focussed on how good his job was & to just try to ignore his abusive boss. He then refused to go & hasn't been to see one since - I fear that it has put him off seeing anyone at all. 

Our child reacts to his behaviour by not wanting to go near him, which upsets him more. He yells at me infront of her & when i tell him to stop and/or save it for later he just yells more. I honestly believe that he doesnt think his behaviour is extreme or unacceptable, he simply can't see it as more than expressing his emotions. He has actually said "Oh so I cant have any emotions then is that it? I cant be sad when bad things happen?". Or when I call him out on the way he speaks to me, he makes me feel like its my fault or that I'm the reason that he is acting that way, & then I get the guilts on & apologise, often for something I didnt do.

I have thought of seeking help for myself and asking him to attend? I cant go through much more of this, but my main concern is our child. I dont want to negatively affect her - is it better to leave now or wait a bit longer and see?

[zoceandownunder]

Great to see you are using this forum to help yourself and your family. The signs your husband show, of not eating/drinking, sleeping a lot, are common in signs in anxiety and depression, and you would no doubt feel that all your efforts have been in vain - they are not , unless you reach a point whereby your own health and wellbeing is at too much risk to continue, including that of your young child - and really only you know that, and hopefully you have close friends or family to share your concerns/state of mind with the issues you are experiencing. I know from experience from a wife whom moved heaven and earth to help me, and still does the majority of things to keep the household together and functioning. She has reached a point whereby unlikely we will stay together, as I just have not tried hard enough to get better, and she and our children need to be without my depressive and anxious state surrounding them, as they deserve to enjoy lives without that constant state of me and my behaviours.

Notwithstanding they are pushing on with studies, work and other facets of life, but no-one really needs to continue with living with the behaviour that exists with those with mental health diseases that many have and inflict on those often the closest (at home or immediate family), no matter how much love and experiences have been shared over time.  Sounds harsh, but a reality that is unfortunately put upon too many family units. Not saying you need to leave immediately, as only you know the extent of pain that a loved one has put you in, but just keep your own sanity first and foremost, as you need that strength no matter what outcomes may occur.

It is a shame that your husband experienced a bad specialist, but you get that, no matter in which field of professional support or in other occupations - so your suggestion of getting help for yourself, and then get your husband to attend will be useful. Likely it will be suggested anyway, and it can never hurt to try. It may start with marriage counseling or similar, but whomever you engage make sure you get something out of it as well , as you have to look after yourself.

I hope this helps in whatever way, and that you take something positive from feedback from such forums as provided here.

[geoff]

dear Nymphadora, hello and thanks for giving us an opportunity to respond back to you.

Anyone who has depression I really feel sorry for, however as it's your post I want to reply back to you in this very difficult situation.

What I am really worried about is if or when he may get physically abusive with you, it may not have happened yet, but from what you have said it could be on the cards and I don't want this to happen to you.

Borrowing that amount of money and having issues with his face may indicate he could be on drugs, and what happens when the family want their money back and he can't do so, then other issues are going to occur.

I appreciate that you have to apologise to him, in fear of anything else happening, but really you shouldn't have to do so, plus the fear of your 2 year old child with him is of great concern.

Irrespective of what happened with the psychologist he really needs help and counselling whether it's for drugs but certainly for anger, mood and maybe depression.

I am sticking my neck out with this drugs issue, but the money may have been needed to pay off someone for his debt or maybe to pay the hardwhere store.

At present your life is hell as is your 2 year old, but what needs to happen is that it would be a good idea to seek counselling for yourself, so go to your doctor ask him/her about getting a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, however I prefer the former.

If you were my daughter I would ask you to leave him, because this is not a place where any partner/spouse and child should ever have to take, but you're not, so I strongly suggest that you do exactly the same.

There are many times when I could tell people to try and help the person suffering from any type of depression, but I believe that your situation is one that I would worry about, not only for your sanity, but definitely your safety.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Nymphadora_Tonks]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me - it is really good of you to be so understanding of your own behaviour. I will absolutely go down the therapy for me path and see where that takes me.

[Nymphadora_Tonks]

Thank you so much for your concern. It is hard to get out all the information in the space they give you, but in 12 years he has never been physically violent - and he knows that it would be an immediate cut off if he tried it with me. I have been very much a pushover with things, and just putting up with his manipulation and mental shaming crap, but physical violence is something I will not ever tolerate. 

[Nymphadora_Tonks]

Also, another problem is that I have no proof about the drugs, and I cant seem to find anything without resorting to snooping behind his back which I really feel uncomfortable with. I also have no idea what I'm looking for... I wouldn't know what any of it looked like?

[geoff]

dear Nymphadora, thanks for your reply, and I'm sorry that I was way off the mark but this doesn't mean that I don't care for you, because I certainly do for you and your daughter. L Geoff. x

[Mike_101]

Hi NT

Have you thought of giving him the choice - by the sounds of it your not too worried about leaving, indicating that you can support yourself and your child if you did decide to leave - so why not give him the choice. Either he makes a real effort to go to counseling with you and to change / improve his behavior or you will leave him. You can give him this choice while living with him or you can give him this choice by having a time apart - so both of you can have a breather. He can realise what he will be loosing and you will realise (which you already do) that you don't need to accept his current behavior.

It sounds like its been a while in the making so he's had time to improve his behavior and you sound very supportive and tolerant of his behavior. So it would not be out of the blue to him and it will be up to him how much / or how little effort he puts in to improving his current behavior towards you and your child. If our daughter is already scared to be around her father then it's already having a negative impact on her. So maybe it's time for the tough love and give your husband the choice of whether he wants to change his behavior or lose his wife. Maybe a time apart will help get the point home to him.

Kind regards
Mike

[Nymphadora_Tonks]

Thank you for responding Mike, 

I honestly don't think he thinks there's anything wrong with his behaviour. And he wont admit he has a problem. The last two mornings he cries and complains and wont get out of bed, but its either because he feels sick (honestly its like a kid not wanting to go to school right now), or because of a multitude of other issues - never that he has a problem.

 Then he'll apologise for "being a dud" - in his words, and I'm expected to be ok with that, otherwise he just sleeps all day and cries. If i was to leave, I  have somewhere to go, but we couldn't sell the house in the condition its in and I know he would be extremely difficult with custody, divorce, removing names off accounts and titles etc. He would basically act worse than my 2 year old - I think that's one of the big issues for me. (obviously apart from the fact that I love him and don't want to hurt him any more than he is already hurting either). I'm going to give him til the end of the month to see if it is actually just him having a cold and me over reacting like he says. If nothing has changed again, then I will give the 'go with me to therapy or...' card. 

[Mike_101]

Hi NT

One of the hardest things to deal with when trying to help someone who you feel has a problem, is trying to get them to admit or even contemplate the notion that there is something wrong with them, which can make getting treatment for them extremely hard.  Be it emotional problems or addiction problems. So your certainly not alone in your husband not admitting he has a problem and as you well know, it's harder dealing with a misbehaving adult male than it would be with a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.

Staying in bed and crying all day isn't exactly normal behaviour however so I'm not sure how he explains that one away - being a "dud" isn't a good explanation though as you well know. Depression or Bi-polar disorder - or even drug use all affect people differently so it would be hard to assume what your husband is experiencing.

I'm not sure if he's still employed, but at the beginning of your post you mention his boss playing mind games with your husband - have you ever talked to his boss about his current behavior or witnessed the mind games? If you're worried about him making you feel like something is your fault (talking to his boss), or if you feel guilty about him blaming you for something then just be honest with him.

If he shouts at you anyway now the only thing you can do is be honest with him, whether that is your concern over drug use, your problem with him borrowing the money and not telling you about it, or even about his mood and behaviour. If you deal with him in an honest fashion then his behaviour, or reaction to your honesty is his problem and you will have nothing to feel guilty about. You've been married for 13 years I think that is enough to warrant him not making you feel guilty over your concern with your husbands current health and behaviour. Which in of itself isn't that current if it's been going on for nearly a year.

As you said yourself, "being a dud" really isn't an acceptable response for his behaviour. So just be honest with him and do what you feel is right for your little daughter and yourself and the guilts will tend to go away. More importantly you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for caring for someone, be it your husband, or your daughter, or even yourself.

Kind regards
Mike