Helping partner cope with anxiety, when I have anxiety myself.

[Revolver]

I am a 25 year-old male. And my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from anxiety. She is constantly feeling numb, she has anxiety attacks and is coping with high levels of stress from a variety of sources(jumping between jobs, stressing about finances, feels like she has to work all the time and has limited emotional and social outlets, and not much support from her family). She is very highly strung and gets agitated easily,  her and I are often fighting, she gets aggressive and angry and I become over-emotional. She is also a perfectionist, and she can get frustrated with her flaws, and mine. 

 I would do anything to help her, trouble is I feel powerless to do anything, A lot of it comes from my lack of understanding, and I struggle to see things from her perspective. She expresses most of her frustration\sadness\and anxiety through anger, over the years this has made me extremely cautious around her, in fear of setting her off.   I have become very guarded in my emotions and expressions and our closeness and intimacy have suffered for it. In a sense, I have made her problems my own- I try to solve them all the time, but that's not what she wants.  Every time I try to help her I just freeze, my brain stops working and I become afraid to act. Afraid to do the wrong thing by her, afraid I'll never help her, petrified we'll break up. Before you know it, the focus is away from her, and shifted to me, and my incompetence, my inability to help her, or even understand her, connect with her. Afterwards she thinks I'm selfish, self-absorbed and she thinks I don't care or make an effort, when in reality my brain just freezes and stops working. Then she's angry at me, for being selfish, not being able to help her. This has happened for so long that I don't believe I can help her, I have zero confidence and I always get over-emotional. 

 I have known her for ten years, she is the loveliest woman I have ever met, and I would do anything for her- and I know she loves me. I just want the fighting to stop. I want to help her through her anxiety and be there for her, and not be a reason for it.  How can I help her through her struggles, instead of making everything about me, freezing in thought, becoming emotionally disconnected from her and turning the focus from her to me.. I'm so worried about her, and I don't want her to feel alone, i want to be there for her,  I want to go back to being her strong rock- instead of crumbling in the face of confrontations. 

[Narniakid]

Hi Revolver, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

I am sorry to hear you're having a hard time dealing with your girlfriend's anxiety - being a carer of someone is so difficult because you may not understand what they're going through but it hurts to see them upset, you just want the best for them.

The first thing I think you should do is read up on some of the resources for carers here on the website; look under Resources > Family and Friends > Caring for someone with depression and anxiety. beyondblue have really easy to understand and accurate information sourced from both professionals and people who have experienced these things first hand. I'd also encourage your girlfriend to have a read of some of the resources under anxiety and depression.

Is your girlfriend seeing a psychologist or therapist? I urge you to take a trip to your GP, you should go along to support her, and get a professional diagnosis and a referral to the appropriate specialist. If her anxiety is at the point that it is now affecting you, then I strongly suggest seeking some professional help, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Perhaps give the hotline a call for some more advice. I do wish you all the best, stay strong, you're doing a really good job. Keep us posted.

Crystal