Not sure on next step for our family.

[Tiggy]

My partner was in a car accident and as a child had a mentally abusive parent.  Since the accident he has suffered PTSD, depression and addiction.

Throughout his sickness he has had agressive behaviour (no physical abuse), has been addicted to pharmaceuticals and synthetic pot, has taken a lot of our money and has hocked some of our things. He has also attempted suicide.  He chatted with  women online (later explaining he was lonely and thought he'd gone too far and we were through).  He wants to get better and wants to go to rehab and is staying at his parents (no other choice) until a space is available. There is still a bit if a waiting list.

Ive told him that I love the person he is underneath and want him to get help so we can then try to reconsile. Prior to the accident he was a loving gentle person.

 My dilema is that his parents are now blaming me for how things are, saying that they don't want to get in the middle of our issues (?I don't even see how it is in anyway my fault as I am doing my best to keep their son alive and sheild our child from his behaviour. Ive done my best to only tell them what they need to know such as if he slipped up on a visit or to check what money/medication he had on him etc.) They also had a go at me for not giving them enough money to help with his living expenses (I have given some but I am currently struggling as our debt is extensive thanks to his drug addiction. I am effectively a single parent trying to support our child and him.... They are saying if I don't want him here with me then he needs to get a flat. If he's force away from there he will surely go back to drugs and self harm. I can't have him back here as he isn't strong enough to handle his addiction (he has no access to any shops out where his folks live) recently on a visit he got angry when we had a disagreement and he threw a toy and chipped our bench.

He  needs help but I can't help him anymore than I am. I'm at the end of my tether . Id love to hear any advise or hear from anyone who can relate. I'm trying hard not to give up hope but the lying and disrespecting is going to be hard to forgive.  I am holding out for rehab as i want to give him every chance and don't want him to self harm as I feel he will if I leave him. I have hopes for the future and know he can beat this because he does want to and is trying.  I feel very trapped and am constantly trying to keep the peace, walk on eggshells and do right by others.... very draining. 

[HA1]

Hi Tiggy!

Welcome to BB and thank you for your post.  

Others might disagree with me, but I feel that your first priority is to your child.  I acknowledge all the issues your partner has experienced, but it is important that you make sure that your child does not bear the consequences f that suffering.   Your dedication in supporting your partner is admirable, but it is important that you let him work through his issues.  You have enough to worry about.  Stay committed to supporting your partner in whatever way you can, but not at the expense of your and your child's wellbeing. So, unfortunately, it becomes a bit of a balancing act - support your partner in whatever way you can, but don't do so blindly.  As regards the parents, they are not an issue in the big scheme so don't be swayed by any attempts to pass the burden of responsibility on to you.  Your singular most important  responsibility is your child.

I hope everything works out for you.  It was such a sad post.

Take care

K

[geoff]

dear Tiggy, thank you for deciding to post a comment on this site, in this rather sad and awkward situation that you are in.

I have to agree with Hideaway in that your child has to be protected from what is going on, but that's not to say that your partner needs the help for his addiction, depression and what has previously happened causing PTSD.

I well and truly understand that you aren't able to have him home, especially when he is smoking pot and then hocking what ever is of value to satisfy his cravings.

What I simply can't understand that his parents want money to pay for his way, because if it was me looking after my son I would endeavour to do all I could to help him even if I was struggling with finances, however one of his parents was mentally abusive so I would then expect them to do this, but it's not your responsibility.

This may sound to be cruel from what I have said, but I would hate to think what he has hocked from your belongings, so it wouldn't be a good idea for him to return home to you.

It's now time that his parents were told that he belongs to them, and even when he is admitted into rehab and does the time needed, there is no guarantee he will stay clean, because as soon as he is stressed out, back he'll go to whatever he can get his hands on.

I'm by no way condemning rehab. because many times it will help people through these dark moments, but there are a lot of people who have to go back and then back to rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, so it's not until he wants to stop and has the strength needed to not get hooked again that rehab will benefit him.

He has two addictions to control, the pharmaceuticals drugs and then the pot, but more importantly you have yourself and your child to look after, and personally I would not have him return home until he has not used any drugs for 12 months.

By him telling you that he has stopped is something which you have to decide on, but knowing that he has stopped for a long time he still has to prove it.

If you decide to leave him and he then says he will commit suicide he then should be admitted to hospital under the health act that says 'to make sure he is safe'.

If you were part of my family I would suggest that you and your child move on, sorry. L Geoff. x

[Tiggy]

Thank you so much. You are right and we both want what is best for our child and I am putting her first. It helps to hear that i am on the right track. These decisions are so vital and difficult to make when it's life and death and my childs future at stake.

I have a lot of guilt about not letting him come back and stay but I can't let things continue as they were.  It wasn't good for any of us. He does know it is best for her too. He just misses her.

I'm worried about his health right now for our daughters sake as well as his and mine... If he harms himself she too well suffer greatly for the rest of her life. I'm also concerned about what would happen if we seperated in the future.  I know it would be supervised visits to begin with but synthetic pot is not detectable in drug tests so they shouldn't be able to be sure he was I'd this if he had proper visits in the future.  Mind you I do so have hopes for us in the future too but our child is my priority.

 Thanks again for your support 🙂

[HA1]

Hi Tiggy - thank you for getting back to us!

I was pleased to read your reply - it reflects a sense of purpose and reality in a difficult situation.  As your husband has been suffering the effects of his trauma most of his life, I assume he is on a mental health treatment plan.  How is that going?

take care

K

[Tiggy]

Hi Geoff, thank you for your reply. My phone died after i wrote a novel in reply 😕

 I don't think you are being harsh. I think i needed a nonemotional response to weigh up the facts so thank you. 

 I'm confident that he is wanting help. He was off everything for 2 months and he surrendered all access to money and was himself for a while until the government rejected giving giving him disability pay which would've made rehab free. I think after hearing this he lost his way and 'fell off the wagon ' he is still off  the pharm. the thing he struggles with is the synth pot. With him being on a payment on his own it will take %80 of his pay to go to rehab but at least he can go. 

 I'm curious to know if anyone knows of any other avenues to help pay? Or if you could point us in the right direction?

 He says he feels empty inside and the only thing that is keeping him alive is not wanting our child to suffer through him self harming. I'm happy that he is fighting i just hope he can do it.  He says he can but i find it hard to trust.

 I have filed for single parenting and he won't be coming to stay here until he is better ( i discussed with him before hand so that he understood). I feel like i might be able to cope better financially now add i don't rely on his pay coming in. It also means his parents can't ask me for any money its between them now. I have to file for child support and he says he won't have access to his account. 

My only concern with me being independent is that I'm worried that I will have to sign a new lease without him on it? I don't know if they will keep me on on my own. I'm worried we will be asked to move out and I have no savings to afford it. We moved here earlier this year and it was hard to finda house.

I feel like i am mourning the loss of our family and the loss of the future child that we had planned to have. I understand that he needs a long time to get better and i don't want him to have the chance to stuff up again (as it hurts all of us. His guilt is the thing that hurts him most). But I'm hoping that with rehab and couples counselling we can maybe get there. 

The thought of it taking 12 months to be sure that he is strong enough is a scary thought but I can see why you have suggested it. I'm hoping that his will to get better and get his family back is strong enough.

This has resulted in another novel. Thank you for your time and help. Just ranting in itself helps me to gain a bit of clarity. Thanks again. 


 

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[Tiggy]

Yes he is on a mental health plan but where he is staying they don't have access to any health care. He had been coming back to go see a psychologist and councilor at a drop in centre but with me not having him back he isn't getting help at the moment.  I've tried to get him to call up support lines but he is reluctant and says it doesn't help in the same way . He says he has also used online councilors but I'm not sure if he actually has. 

I feel confident that he wants to get better and i know he accepts the help from his dr and the professionals in person but he somehow feels that is hard to use the lines etc when he is at his worst as its impersonal.  So I'm not sure what he can do. 

I thought I'd perhaps ask him to make an appointment that i could go to with him. The only problem is that a day trip on public transport leaves next to no time in town  it only allows about an hour or two depending upon the day so he had been staying here to attend.  I can't have him do that anymore. I suggested he asks a friend if he can stay there but i haven't heard if he is wanting to do this.  The problem there is that I'm worried he might cave in  upset our friends. I'm pretty sure he would never hock anyone elses things or smoke in their homes... (i think he just feels some ownership over my things so i cope it when he caves in) But i can't be sure he wouldn't so it stresses me.

I'm not sure where else he could stay of he came to visit our see his dr or psych.

 I feel he should be seeing a psychiatrists not a psychologist but I'm not sure if he qualifies? He said his dr said he just needed a psychologist  but it doesn't seem to be helping apart from the actual day he  goes maybe the next then it quickly 'wears off'.

 Thanks again for your reply and 'listening' 🙂

[geoff]

dear Tiggy, well your replies have been thought through, and you are a very sensible lady.

There are a couple of points that I would like to comment on, and again there is no harm intended here, but if you're an alcoholic you will lie in any way just to get some alcohol, and the same applies to someone who is smoking pot, and there could be a possibility that pot leads onto something more potent, I hope that this doesn't happen, but there is always the temptation.

I am pleased that you don't want him to stay with you, because that would be giving into him and at the moment he hasn't proved that he can be trusted.

If you are getting a centrelink payment then you are entitled to 'rent assistance' and I believe it's $128 a fortnight by signing a form as well as the landlord or real estate agent to co sign it.

You can also get bond money from centrelink if you decide to leave or circumstances force you to.

The care and love you have for him was before all of this started and not how he is at the moment.

I have been to AA meetings a long time ago, but people get up and say 'hi I'm Jo Blow, I'm an alcoholic and have been off alcohol for 20 years', but this doesn't mean that they won't fall off the wagon, because they always susceptible, as it could only be something unusual that makes them start drinking again.

The same principle applies to people using drugs, because they have to be so strong minded and determined to never use it again, but the % of people falling back to them is high, however what really pleases me is that you yourself has a very strong mind and determined to 'stick to your guns'. L Geoff. x