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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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EdenH Husband suffers from depression but says I need to change
  • replies: 4

Hi, I hope someone can help me as I'm at my wits end and so confused. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety but wont speak to anyone about it, not even me as he says 'I don't listen and don't help him'. I have suggested the doctor or speakin... View more

Hi, I hope someone can help me as I'm at my wits end and so confused. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety but wont speak to anyone about it, not even me as he says 'I don't listen and don't help him'. I have suggested the doctor or speaking to a counsellor but he is resistant and doesn't think they can help. He thinks he is dealing with it but I know he isn't and I want to help him but don't know how. I have started seeing a counsellor alone as he wont go, I go so that I can get help with 'coping' strategies to help my husband. Well I went yesterday and had stuff on my mind, my husband asked me what was wrong so I told him my worries/concerns. This caused a heated discussion about how I don't need to see a counsellor I just need to stop playing the victim and face up to reality. I told him that his mood really effects me and he basically mirrored everything I said and said my mood effects him and that he can't do anything without second guessing how I'm going to react to it. I'm now left confused as there are two issues, one being the effects of the depression on our relationship and I guess how I react/don't react to it and secondly his depression on its own. What he has said has left me thinking maybe I have something wrong with me and maybe that I'm the one depressed or something. I such a positive upbeat person usually but lately all I've been doing is worrying about our relationship and if things will ever improve. He seems so self righteous to me when he lectures me when I bring up an issue it's always me who has to change or stop 'transferring the blame'. I hope this makes sense to someone as I'm so confused, I'm not perfect but I'm trying. He doesn't see I'm trying he just says I need to 'put the effort in'. Is he right? He says he's made lots of sacrifices and I haven't, he has put me first and in his eyes I've not done the same and he says he doesn't think I love him and he seriously thinks this which really upsets me as what am I still doing here if I don't? I would love to see a counsellor together to mediate so that we can get somewhere with our discussions. We have the same argument time and time again and he comes up with the same response time after time and refuses to see someone because I 'need to change' He said it was up to me what happens going forward. I don't see that as fair at all. I feel like we get nowhere. Sorry this may not make sense. Thanks for any help/advice. RELATED EARLIER THREAD Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help

lilly07 partner has clinical depression
  • replies: 7

Hello. Im new to this site.Ive been dating a lovely guy for about 4 months . Not long i know. We're both in our early 50s and have the beginnings of a ( i hope ) relationship . He has voiced that he feels a special bond beginning , i have said the sa... View more

Hello. Im new to this site.Ive been dating a lovely guy for about 4 months . Not long i know. We're both in our early 50s and have the beginnings of a ( i hope ) relationship . He has voiced that he feels a special bond beginning , i have said the same. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, a couple of year ago. Is on meds for this. About a week or so ago he hit a real low. He asked me for a little space . He came to see me on wed and said he always does this when his depression takes over . He pushes the people away that matter to him ,because he doesn't want to cause them hurt and pain. I have a young daughter , in early high school ,that lives with me . He said he wants to stay away from us because he doesn't want us to turn a up at his home and find him. He said hes ok for me to keep in touch by txt but while hes in this bad depression , will keep his distance. The good thing is , he has taken himself back to his GP , who has sent him to a psychiatrist and psychologist and is in the process of having his meds looked at and probably changed. My question here is , am i doing the right thing here ? , im limiting myself to just one txt a day . Ive been sending a good night txt . Up to this point ,he has answered me. I read somewhere that its a good idea to try and maintain physical contact but i dont want for him to feel extra pressure , as he has already said he will keep some distance. I would greatly appreciate any help or advice from anyone on here. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Surrburr How do I help him help himself?
  • replies: 2

Ive been dating my partner for >1 yr now. Im in a program that requires me to go abroad at the end of this year, for a min of 2 years. Ive always been up front about this. It was not an issue until Dec 2014, when he told me that he is not willing to ... View more

Ive been dating my partner for >1 yr now. Im in a program that requires me to go abroad at the end of this year, for a min of 2 years. Ive always been up front about this. It was not an issue until Dec 2014, when he told me that he is not willing to lose me, and that he'll come with me when I leave. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'd be taking him from home, but he was adamant. I slowly, with many times of needing reassurance that he was SURE, got used to the idea. He figured the easiest way to come with me was on a study visa, so he applied to a Uni close to where I'd be. We figured out finances, living situations, and logistics. The last piece of the puzzle was to get the visa before he was due to begin school. Then all hell broke loose--his visa was denied. He didnt tell me right away because I was in the middle of exams. I eventually got it out of him because he was acting oddly. He broke down and told me that he didn't think it would work and left. He avoided me for 2 days and then came over and broke up with me, sobbing and shaking. I pleaded for him to at least talk to me about it but he refused. My last request was that he go see someone for help. He is a worrier and has a long history of anxiety about leaving his parents due to a horrible event 2 years ago-- long story. I tried to mend myself but the next day he called me and told me he made a huge mistake. He asked me to come with him to the GP and I accepted, for I was concerned about his well-being. The doctor diagnosed him w/depression and gave him meds. He began seeing a psychologist. I've had trouble trusting him since. He is my best friend and I truly thought he was the one for me. But for him to turn on us so quickly scared me. I'm getting over it, but he makes it so hard. It's been a month, and while we are back together, it's not the same. He gets days where he is sad and laments the days before we started dating where he could be "carefree." I've told him I miss that self as well, and I want to help him get it back. He tells me things like how he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me, but he is so stressed about us. I admit, neither of us has been very happy for the past month; Ive been looking at it as a bump in the road. He looks at it like the end of the world. And the worst part is, I leave in 5 months and I don't know what to do. My heart aches for him and I don't want to lose him, but I'm at my wits end. How do I help him get out of this cycle?

Oilucy Finding it very difficult knowing how to support my partner
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We thi... View more

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We think the same way and have very similar feelings which is at times scary! We have chosen not to live together as yet as we each have 4 children of our own and are happy not co-habitating at this stage. Sadly though, he is suffering from depression. He separated from his wife of 24 years about 3 years ago. Since then she absolutely screwed him in the property settlement. In addition, and probably not dissimilar to a lot of fathers, he is paying a barely affordable amount per month in child support and school fees and has had no success in getting this reviewed. About once a month he gets into quite a depressed state. Normally it passes within 48 hours but this time we're on to the third day and tonight he refused to see me saying he wanted to be alone (but that he really loves me). When it is in the reverse and I feel upset, I want to be around him because he loves me and makes me happy, so I'm starting to get concerned by the way he is pushing me away and wants to be alone that perhaps his feelings for me aren't as deep as I initially thought. I really need some advice in how to handle this because to be honest, his actions at the moment are making me feel very unloved and very unwanted. I too am separated and know what I want and don't want in a relationship - and I certainly dont want to be in another relationship where I am not loved, wanted or appreciated. I should point out that this is not normally the case with us, but is when he gets down I feel all of the above and it just gets me down. He says I would be better off without him which I wonder is his way of wanting me to end it. I keep alternating from being very supportive of him to be really cross (inside) about being pushed away. He is a wonderful man and I have never taken him for granted so am trying to put a lot into our relationship. How do I handle this? At the moment I feel hurt and rejected and feel like saying "If you dont want me around go and find another girl that you do want around" but I know that given the circumstances its not about me its about his depression and I need help understanding how to support it as when he is not depressed our relationship is near perfect. He said he is going to his Dr about going on medication.

Channy94 How do I help someone who won't help themself?
  • replies: 2

I've been with my partner for well over a year now and no matter what I suggest he won't seek help for his depression. It's been causing isomnia, anger issues which sometimes leads to violence, fatigue, he almost always feels worthlesss and talks abo... View more

I've been with my partner for well over a year now and no matter what I suggest he won't seek help for his depression. It's been causing isomnia, anger issues which sometimes leads to violence, fatigue, he almost always feels worthlesss and talks about suicide.I've suggested he go see his GP and he won't because he automatically thinks that they're going to put him on meds which he's very much against. I've told him there's other options to help him but he won't listen. Not only is it destroying him but its killing me because I'm doing everything I can and he just gets aggressive and is never happy. It's impacting my recovery from the same illness (which I was diagnosed with years ago and am seeking several different treatments for) and I feel like I'm not strong enough to support him on my own.If anyone has or is having the same experience, I really could use some advice please, I just can't keep it upbeyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

EE28 Need some guidance
  • replies: 4

Someone in my family has been struggling for the past few years, it all started with sleep problems starting at the age of 16 which lead to anxiety and now depression, she is now 21. She has tried to take her own life 2x within a year , The first tim... View more

Someone in my family has been struggling for the past few years, it all started with sleep problems starting at the age of 16 which lead to anxiety and now depression, she is now 21. She has tried to take her own life 2x within a year , The first time was from when she had enough of being feeling like she did and just wanted it to be over & the second time was due to a man she was "seeing" i use that term loosely he was not good for her at all and didnt help the situation, when he clarified that he wasnt interested anymore she repeated history and tried to take her life again, thankfully she called me before it was too late and I took her to the hospital. Within the last year she has developed a specific phobia which prevented her from going to social gatherings and doing self checks every hour on the hour.She refuses to acknowledge she needs help and the more i look into it the characteristics she displays are similar to BPD but she will fly of the rails if i try to suggest anything. Shes not interested in looking after her health or to try and help herself. I don't know how i can help, I have tried to be supportive and listen, she doesn't want a bar of it. The reason i am writing this post is because of something she said to me last night after rushing to her after she phoned me crying "It is selfish for you to want me to stay alive, if you knew how miserable I was you would not ask this of me" Every time something happens in her life that she didn't plan for or wasn't anticipating she goes 50 steps back and gets filled with rage and sadness and this vicious cycle reoccurs. any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated, I feel that im at a crossroad and i dont know which way to go. Thank you in advance beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

BelindaD My partner has PTSD and Anxiety and I find it challenging at times!!!
  • replies: 6

I've completed a cert4 in mental health so I'm aware of some things but it's different when it's directed at you? How can I cope personally while supporting him and helping him get through his issues. I have been able to 'sort him out' by being direc... View more

I've completed a cert4 in mental health so I'm aware of some things but it's different when it's directed at you? How can I cope personally while supporting him and helping him get through his issues. I have been able to 'sort him out' by being direct about his 'lashing out' on me and telling him not to direct it on me when someone else is the reason for his 'explosion'. I see things clear but how do I reach him and help him to see clearly? Some medications he has been on made him worse but thankfully he no longer is on those type of drugs.....My patience gets thin at times and I want to walk away from the relationship.... I'm stuck between a rock and hard place? If I can understand this better maybe I will be able to help him more and be more patient.

Mum98 Somatic psychotherapy
  • replies: 3

Hi I'm a mum with a 26 yr old daughter suffering from anxiety and depression. She is living back home with me and so I'm caring for her. She is going to a counsellor who is a somatic psychotherapist. My question is around counselling in general for a... View more

Hi I'm a mum with a 26 yr old daughter suffering from anxiety and depression. She is living back home with me and so I'm caring for her. She is going to a counsellor who is a somatic psychotherapist. My question is around counselling in general for anxiety and depression. Is it enough when she is severely depressed? She tried a psychologist for three sessions but when medication was discussed she stopped. She sits at home all day (doesn't work) tells me she needs to just sit with her feelings. These range from anger to sadness to anything in-between. I have tried to talk about taking a multi disciplinary approach that also helps her to re-enter the world. She doesn't go out has lost touch with all friends etc. won't agree to some kind of daily routine. Doesn't sleep. I have asked her to speak to her GP about medication. She prefers to take herbal treatments. I'm trying to accept that this counsellor is helping but what I see is her getting worse. any advise/experience with this type of counselling would be helpful mum

hs123 Not sure how to help my boyfriend
  • replies: 2

Hi, So my boyfriend and I have been dating for just little under a year now, but we have been friends for 3 years also. When I first met him, we lived on University residence and he was in a way, extroverted, he enjoyed talking to others and going to... View more

Hi, So my boyfriend and I have been dating for just little under a year now, but we have been friends for 3 years also. When I first met him, we lived on University residence and he was in a way, extroverted, he enjoyed talking to others and going to the gym, and because we are at uni we also spent a lot of time going out and having fun and going to the beach. However, this year he moved out with 2 of his friends and in the past year he has become very withdrawn, often he sits in his room for hours on end, will not go to class, and frequently sleeps, he only eats one meal a day, if that, and constantly watches movies and games. I understand that this is very typical of many male uni students, but the thing that really concerned me was when he told me this year, that he has failed all of his subjects since he started 2.5 years ago, and has hardly been to class in that time. He confided in me that he wanted to leave uni at the start of this year, and I supported him in looking for work, and he decided to apply for the army, but he was rejected due to medical reasons, which he plans to appeal. During his final semester at university, he dropped down to 2 subjects, didnt attend classes because he couldnt wake up for them, and did not attend one of his final exams because he couldn't be bothered, but lied to me and told me he went (i later found out when he slipped up in the lie). Since we have gone on uni holidays, he has spent almost every single day in bed, sleeping, or gaming, or watching tv. He has not applied for one job or written his appeal letter for the army and puts it off constantly, he has no motivation to do anything. I am a very focused individual, and I currently work 5 jobs, so my time to see him during this break has been limited, but every time I do want to see him he would rather sleep or game rather than spend quality time and it really frustrates me. I have tried to sit down and talk to him about writing a resume or his appeal letter, but he always laughs it off and says he will do it later, but never does. When i talk to him about what he wants to do for a career, he always tells me he is no good at anything, and he doesnt know what he wants to do, he just wants to be told what to do and he will do it. I feel like he shows some of the symptoms of depression, but he tells me he is not depressed. Does this mean he is not, and I am overreacting? I feel like theres something deeper than just laziness? I would love some advice!

Amberld I'm scared I'm hurting my boyfriend
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, my name is Amber, I have been going out with my boyfriend james for about two years and two months now my boyfriend suffered a tragic event his dad left his mum for another woman and has gotten diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i do... View more

Hi everyone, my name is Amber, I have been going out with my boyfriend james for about two years and two months now my boyfriend suffered a tragic event his dad left his mum for another woman and has gotten diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i don't know how to help him all I am doing is making it worse we fight all the time I try comforting him, I try talking to him and try spending time with any everytime I hurt him in some way I'm scared of losing him and to make matters worse another guy likes me and my boyfriend isn't acting himself anymore I miss him I don't know what to do someone tell me what I should do. thank you