Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Supporting mother who has signs of depression and lives overseas

replies: 1

Hi there, I'm very new to this whole thing but I feel like I'm running out of options as I really don't know what to do. My mother has recently moved back to Brazil after 6 months living here with myself, my partner and his mother (yes, all in the same house, I know, pretty crazy). This was the 3rd time she came to visit me and in every time she came to visit, we had pretty bad discussions. She always felt like I ignored her and wouldn't give her enough attention although she would complain most of the time about anything. She grew up with paralysis and she always have struggled with pain and other health issues, although she always have managed to take care of herself and pull it all together. She brought me up in a strict way but always with lots of love and good education. Nevertheless, when my father left (after much fighting) when I was 13 yo, it seemed that all the frustration she used against my dad was now transferred to me. My mother has always been very 'picky' and would fix her thoughts in little things or hold onto the past, coming back at any opportunity to remind me of the times when I hurt her. She now doesn't speak to most of her brothers and sisters (they are 9 in total and she only speaks with 2 of them). So, while she was here living with me, I've made my best to give attention and help her at the same time that I tried to keep up with my life as myself and my partner both work full-time and study. It was a very intense time together as we had to adapt our lives to live back with our mothers and they had to know each other and adapt themselves with their new reality. It was really tough for everyone, but the toll fell hardest on my mother as she take things very seriously. When I couldn't be bother, after a long day at work, to worry about who didn't do the cleaning or the dishes, she would take it personally and then the whole story got worse. While I wasn't even being able to spend time at all with my partner's mother (we just met, so I wanted to know her more and bond with her) my mother insisted that I wasn't giving her enough attention or that I treated others better than I treated her...I was feeling tired, helpless and every time I would talk to her, I would go back to my room (and my partner) and cry because I did not know what else to do. I spoke with friends about it and they supported me saying that I did my best but I just feel so sad that my mother and I can't have a good relationship and enjoy life together.

Lonely & exhausted wife

replies: 1

My husband of 8 years has suffered from depression and anxiety since he was a child. It is generally under control with medication but he has been going through a difficult period lately. He is now getting by with sleeping tablets and an increased dose of antidepressants but is withdrawn during the day and knocked out at night. He feels uncomfortable talking about his depression and so our family and friends dont know that he is suffering. We have 2 very young children who wake up throughout the night and need lots of attention, and we both have demanding careers. Most of the threads I have read seem to focus on offering support to a partner who has depression, and in that regard, this post may come across as being selfish and insensitive. But I want to know how I can manage my own situation. I am exhausted from work and caring for the children and a sick husband. I miss the person he used to be and I am sick and tired of the lack of connection and lack of 'presence'. I am lonely because I miss my husband and because I cant talk to anyone we know about what we are going through. I am desperate for a break but I know that my family will crumble without me to hold it together. Sorry to make it all about me, but I just feel like for once, I deserve it.

feeling hopeless

replies: 2

I'm not sure if anyone can help me. I've never been on one of these sites before. I've had friends who've experienced depression, and I suffer with it myself (but have never sought medical help, just found other way to re-direct my emotions and cope). But now my 20 year old daughter is experiencing it and I don't know what to do. It all started with a boy, who I believe has emotionally abused her to the point where she feels unworthy and a failure at everything. She has massive mood swings and tantrums having broken mirrors and phones, though he doesn't help with his on again off again stalking through social media and texts, his name calling and picking her up and dropping her when he feels like it. I have tried to get her to see someone, change her number delete her social media accounts, but to no success. She won't sleep on her own and has become very clingy. She often claims that she doesn't want to be here and doesn't want to be here. She keeps going in and out of work and changing studies. How can I force her to see someone? Or if I can't how can I help her learn how to cope with her emotions. I don't know how I'm going to cope with anymore of this. I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I mean she should be out there having fun and enjoying life, becoming independent. Instead she is moping around and won't get out and do anything. It's affecting the whole family. My partner (not her father) and I just cant stand each other, because he thinks she should toughen up and that she's brought all this on herself by continuing to get back with the boy and I shouldn't be so soft. Her brother is only 17 and spends most of his time worrying about her and me. I keep trying to convince her to keep moving and think positive, exercise, find something to keep her busy, but every single time it's just "oh I wouldn't be any good at that" or "I can't be bothered going out", "I have no friends anymore". Which in fact she has lost a lot of friends in this whole ordeal, she really doesn't have a lot of people anymore that will listen. I've heard really bad stories about anti depressants, so I would prefer not to have to give her any of those. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get through this? It's been a long 18 months of this ever since the boy started playing his games. I'm feeling a walking time bomb at the moment, which wouldn't help her in anyway, but I know I'm going to break soon, so any ideas would be great.

My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety

replies: 3

This coming Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary! It was about 8 months into our marriage that my husband had the courage to share his feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and general lack of happiness. It was after he read an article on a football player and his struggle with depression that my husband began to realise that his constant negative train of thoughts were not 'normal', for lack of a better word. I am so incredibly thankful that he shared with me! The first thing I did was research depression and learned how to get my husband onto a mental health plan. He was very keen to begin treatment but wasn't very proactive in his approach, so I organised doctor's appointments to refer him to a psychologist and started the process by going with him and supporting him this way. We have so many psychologists in the area so I researched their level of experience and areas of expertise to find a few people who I thought would really suit and I gave him the details so he could make the choice. My husband has now been going to fortnightly sessions for the past 4 months and although there is no end in sight he's taken the first step! Our relationship has grown stronger since the process has started. Don't get me wrong, some days/weeks are hard, incredibly hard actually, but there are reasons for so many things now that I couldn't understand before! We can have great nights out together now where if he's feeling anxious or down he just gives me a look and we go, whereas previously he would have taken his feelings out on me in a public way (putting me down in front of friends, ignoring me, acting immaturely) and it would impact heavily on our feelings towards each other. Before he wouldn't help out around the house and we'd constantly have the same arguments over pulling his weight, now if he's not helping out I approach the discussion in a completely different way so as to not accuse and invoke those negative thoughts. I believe that knowledge is power - the threads I've read on here and the advice given helped me a lot to approach this time in our lives with positivity and support. So thank you everyone for sharing your stories and words of advice.

How to support my partner?

replies: 1

My partner is diagnosed with depression sometime last year. The doctor recommended some medication but my partner refused to take it . My partner did not seek for any help from a therapist and I do not know how to help. Has anyone experienced a similar situation? I would like some advice on how to provide the support that my partner needs. What can I do that will help make things better or easier? Can someone help me understand what my partner is experiencing because I am feeling very helpless and hopeless in this situation. Thank you for reading and I appreciate everyone's advice and comments

Loving someone with BiPolar. A blessing and a curse.

replies: 3

The biggest lesson I've learnt from being in love with someone with bipolar is that all the things that have made him interesting, exciting, enticing and extraordinary in my eyes, have also provided an equal yet opposite sense of despair, disconnect, challenge and hurt. We can't be together. We can't be without each other. We've had our own families and partners, but always remained lovers; almost to say that we have a co-dependent addiction to each other. For the first time in his adult life, he has finally started receiving some professional guidance and management for his illness. After a childhood full of ADHD related medications and implications, a teenage period full of the most intense form of disabling depressions and abhorrent anti-social behaviour, I have finally cracked through his shell and shown him the path to acknowledgement and acceptance of his illness. I heard my own words to him "This is just the beginning. It's a long journey, you have to be prepared for that. Listen to professional advice. Seek a support network, don't isolate yourself. We're here to pull you through the darkest times, when you are doubting yourself. But we cant do that if you shut us out. Trust yourself. Trust me. We can do this together. " Yet, ironically I find myself drawing on those same words of advice for myself. I cannot help but have dark times, I distrust myself, I doubt myself and I even isolate myself as a carer. Loving someone with Bipolar feels like the most exhausting lifelong game of tug of war. I have blisters, I don't feel like my arms are mine anymore and I am literally just holding the rope in a deadlock until I feel that familiar jolt. Sometimes it jolts me forward to him, sometimes I feel slackness and I stumble back, realising that he has fed me a little over my line. A pleasant surprise, but always catches me off-guard. To anyone who is in love with someone with mental illness: Your love is both a blessing and a curse. You have a choice to either listen to your heart or your brain, and I actually think the most powerful resource for me has been my brain. My heart hypnotises me with lust and ache, whereas my brain keeps me clear headed and able to perform the role of carer as I would always strive to. Goodluck carers. x

Our family unit put to the test.

replies: 1

Our 9 year old daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety . She has been living with it for a few years. We finally sought professional advice after we ran out of home options and at home self help strategies. We are a whole family in crisis. She is seeing a psychologist twice a week who is working hard to help. Often we find it difficult to have down time in our house and when she is in crisis all of us get very stressed. It only seems to happen when we have finished running around for the afternoon and it's time for home work/ tea and bed. Its worse when all 5 of us are together . It causes friction amongst siblings and my partner and I. Does this happen to other families? How can we help her instead of all getting worked up? Any real life suggestions would be help ful. We would like to reclaim our evenings and have a more positive and calm approach to help her.

He wants to do it alone ... so how do I give him the support I know he needs?

replies: 6

My beautiful, amazing boyfriend has struggled with anxiety in the past, I've had my own anxiety issues too but we've been able to support one another and help each other through. Recently, I moved a few hours away for a new job, he was unhappy in his job at home so decided to make the move to where I was. Basically, the move hasn't really been great for him. His expectations of being close to his friends again, he's gone from a full time job back to university so the massive, massive change hasn't been easy. And probably for the last couple of months I've noticed a change in him, he stopped taking his anxiety medication and slowly but surely, he's started to become withdrawn. I'm in a job where Friday comes and the last thing I want to do is go out and drink, but this is all he wants to do and because I don't want to go it has started to really annoy him. He's started becoming distant with me and not telling me things when we've always had amazing communication. I actually started to think he wasn't interested in me anymore then last week he tells me he has hit rock bottom. He went to the doctor this week and has been told he has depression, so is now taking new medication for this. But he keeps avoiding me and pushing me away and I'm heartbroken. On the weekend he told me he doesn't know what's going on in his head ... but all he is sure of is he wants to be with me. After going to the doctor (two days later), he told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and said he's falling out of love with me. I told him all I want to do is help him and his response was ... "I just want to do this alone." I'm gutted and heartbroken, all I want to do is be his support. So what do I do? I want him to know I still care, but how do I do that without pushing him away? I've told him I'm giving him all the space and time he needs. I've also contacted two of his close friends, and his brother, to let them know what's going on and to look out for him. I'm just so lost and I think I've rambled on enough (sorry) ... what do I do? I don't want to lose my best friend and the one I love the most.

Childhood Sweetheart Lost in Depression

replies: 10

I have been trying to understand what has happened to my partner of 6 years.12 months ago he started to show signs of a change in behavior, I didn't understand only that he was blaming me for being up and down or yelling at the children, blame blame, I am not happy he says.he up and left without warning, he returned 6 weeks later and life carried on. when I look back I see that the cracks when he returned would appear and then disappear in his behavior, his drinking would escalate, his anger would escalate, he would settle down and become happy again and this pattern continued. 6 months ago, just prior to him turning 40 he dropped the bomb, he was leaving, he didn't go, he did it again but this time he left. I was gutted and in shock. I didn't see it coming. Here was a man who had literally changed overnight, he had become angry, he had become withdrawn, he was detached, he left and cut us off. I begged I pleaded, I did everything but he wont come home. He has changed, he wont come to the house, he has withdrawn from any trace of our life together. He acts angry, then he cries, he wont reconcile, he doesn't love me he says, the feelings have changed. He goes in waves and motions from crying to anger, to blame, to anger, passing blame for what was happening to him. He has shut down from responsibilities to the relationship He cant see the hurt he has put me through, he wont let me support him, he finally told me he is depressed, that he has demons, never dealt with his ex wife having an affair, he never got answers he said we are the collateral damage of this, he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that is why we wont come home, his feelings have changed, he cant reconnect.I tried to talk to him about the symptoms of depression, I asked him to let me help him he wont..He cries as to how our life came to this. he doesn't understand,he has a new friend he claims who is someone to talk to, that hurts.He is detached, he wont see through the fog.I have to walk away and take care of my daughter and believe that he may realize what he has lost.I have lost my best friend

How to help a friend, how to make her get the treatment and help she needs?!

replies: 3

My friend visited me yesterday, and completely broke down and admitted she is suffering from depression and anxiety. Her Dad passed away a year ago, and I knew she was having a very hard time dealing with his death, but I didn't realise it was this serious. She admitted that a few weeks after her second child was born and her Dad also had a stroke at that time (around 2 years ago), that she was tested for depression and diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. She said she was prescribed medication and briefly spoke to a professional... but after taking the medication for a week or two her husband told her there is no such thing as depression and it is 'all in her head' and he threw out her medication. She is living a few hours away and is completely isolated from her family and friends. Her husband works long days 6 or sometimes 7 days a week. She told me she stays at home all day with two children under 4yrs, and that she rarely leaves the house. I am shocked that she has been living this way with this illness for so long without any support from her husband or a professional. She has been saying for a year now since her dad passed away that she needs to go and talk to someone (psychiatrist/psychologist).... but it never seems to eventuate. My question is how can I help her? How can I best support her? I feel like making an appointment for her to see someone, but I don't know if that is over-stepping my boundary? I think she is also concerned about cost, as she is a full time stay at home mum and would have to ask her husband for money to see a professional. Seeing as he does not 'believe' in depression, I suspect he is not being very helpful. Are there free services available? I also have no idea which health professional she should be/needs to see? This is all new to me so I am just trying to find out as much info as possible and try to get her treated by a professional ASAP! If anyone can offer advice and steer me in the right direction it would be extremely helpful. Thanks in advance.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Supporting mother who has signs of depression and lives overseas replies: 1

Lonely & exhausted wife replies: 1

feeling hopeless replies: 2

My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety replies: 3

How to support my partner? replies: 1

Loving someone with BiPolar. A blessing and a curse. replies: 3

Our family unit put to the test. replies: 1

He wants to do it alone ... so how do I give him the support I know he needs? replies: 6

Childhood Sweetheart Lost in Depression replies: 10

How to help a friend, how to make her get the treatment and help she needs?! replies: 3