Is it ok to tell my partner that I need him to get help so that I can cope?

[Blithe]

Over the past few months my partner has become very negative and down. I believe he's had depressive episodes in the past but I'm not coping this time.

There have been many changes for us this year - for me, this means most of my time and energy needs to go into my work and I'm really enjoying it. That's not to say that my relationship isn't a priority.

Up until now I have tried to be there for my partner, invited him to talk, tried to help him figure things out and suggested places he can get more support. All of this is fruitless. It seems like there's almost some sort of satisfaction that comes from reinforcing how tough he has it. He never says anything positive anymore, and it's always everyone else's fault (or the whole universe's fault) that he feels the way he does. He's blameless.

I'm at my wit's end. Dealing with his moods, hearing the same negative thoughts every day in every conversation, and wasting all my efforts is hard work. It's draining. I honestly don't think I can handle his depression AND my work without failing at both and breaking myself. 

I'm finding myself becoming resentful and dismissive of his negative comments. I've stopped asking about them or comforting him when they come up in (every) conversation. I feel like I've tried being there, I've tried being his "counsellor", I've tried asking him what he needs from me and I've tried in many ways to encourage him to get help. He says that I'm the only good thing in his life but I feel that I'm being taken for granted as the person he can dump on. I told him I can't handle it, and things got better for a few days but now they're back to how they were before. The only difference is I've stopped biting when he makes a comment about how bad life is etc etc. I feel angry and guilty for ignoring these comments but I feel that I've tried everything and I'm not willing to keep having the same pointless conversations he seems to want to have. Nothing ever changes and he doesn't want it to. 

A few weeks ago I was ready to marry this guy. There are moments when I still feel that way but I need to look after myself too. More and more I've been wondering if a life together would mean living for his depression, and if breaking up would bring me any relief. It's not what I want but I can't handle this and he won't try to help me help him.

Is it selfish to talk to him about how I feel about his depression? To draw boundaries? To tell him that I need him to get help so that I can cope?

[JessF]

Hello Blithe, no it is not selfish for you to look after yourself. Honest conversation is very important in situations like this, he needs to know how this is affecting you, although just telling him this may not provoke the best reaction.  I think you need to set some boundaries.  As you say, you have encouraged him as best you can to get help and he has not done this.  if you have a look through some of the threads on here, you'll find this is sadly quite common.

You can't make him seek help, but you can be clear about what you need to do in order to keep yourself well, and what you will and will not accept.  It will then be up to him to decide if he can accept those boundaries or not.

One thing worth considering also, and this is not your fault, but your new-found enthusiasm for your work could potentially be reinforcing his lack of self-worth. I know when I have been depressed, I have been resentful when surrounded by high-functioning people. It's a constant reminder that I am 'defective'.

[Linda_B]

People who arent well seem never to admit it.  They think they are fine.  Sometimes you need to bite the bullet, like me, and get them admitted to a psych ward. Its very upsettinv but it was something I had to do.

[Lightness]

Hi Blithe

I could really resonate with your story as in a similar position myself.

I got to a point where I was so drained and felt some resentment too that life seemed to be all about my husband and I did not matter. I realised I was not able to support him on my own and so I did ask him to go and get help for himself first and for our relationship.

Fortunately for me he agreed but he still tends to just want to be with me and does not want to socialise much so I hear all the negative thoughts and often feel very isolated.

I did talk to him about this and encouraged him to share with a good friend..someone he feels safe with and he did. It helped a bit giving me a break.

The other weekend I invited this friend around for a meal and it was actually a good night and my husband opened up a bit and I saw a glimmer of enjoyment from him.

I have also started going out a bit more to catch up with my friends. he does not like this too much as he thinks we are just talking about him but I am doing it anyway as it is good for me and we certainly do not talk about him all the time.

It is a hard journey and I have learnt it is so important to look after yourself so you do not get resentful and can continue to support

[Kennaugh8]

Hi Blithe, welcome to Beyondblue.

Have you suggested that he sees a GP? This is one of the first and often hardest steps when dealing with a mental illness. If he is unwilling to seek help, it may be worth suggesting that you want to see a relationship counsellor as it is starting to have an effect on your relationship.

I understand how hard it has been for you, particularly given all the effort you have put in, but considering that you had intentions of marrying him, I think it is worth pursuing the counselling option for him and as a couple. 

Caring for someone with a mental illness can be an overwhelming experience and also place the carer in a state of mental distress and anguish. Therefore, it is important for you to have support around you so when you are feeling like it is becoming too much, you have a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. Further to this, does his family know of his condition? If so, it may be worth talking with them to figure out strategies that best support your boyfriend. 

Continue to be the rock that you have been but please look after yourself.

Chris