My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder and I need some support

[joe_pilgrim]

Struggling to support my wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder

I am married for 11 years with 2 kids ( 10 yr old and 6 yr old ). After many years of observation plus my background as a mental health worker,  I begin to realized that my wife may be suffering from BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) with excessive anxiety and low self esteem.  

A summary of her past includes history of verbal abuse from her father, lack of affirmation in her childhood years and she is generally an anxious person. She struggles with deep seated anger and resentment towards her father. She is anxious, indecisive and risk adverse. She is very sensitive to rejection.  

The issues now is that she gets highly emotional over small matters, overly defensive in speech, tend to blame others and later self-blame said things like “ so it’s all my fault”. She gets easily agitated and reactive in speech. When she becomes highly emotional, it hurts both of us. She finds it hard to say sorry and even harder to forgive someone.  

My heart forgives her from time to time even as I learn to accept her for who she is, for her strengths and her weaknesses. ( me too has strengths and weaknesses ).  

There is no doubt that I am committed to the family and will do everything possible to help our relationship and our family for the sake of each other’s mental health as well as for the well being of the kids.  

Well, she certainly has her strengths. She cares a lot for the children, cook and read to them. When she is in her good mood, she is a caring wife.  

I accept my wife as a beautiful person who suffers from BPD.  I try to love her unconditionally and respect her as a person with dignity.  

I really want to help her heal from her deep seated wound. I have yet to tell her that she has BPD, because I could anticipate her denial. Though I mentioned that she has anxiety but she is not keen to seek professional help. But sometimes, I felt hurt and lonely when her cycles of “heightened emotions” continue repeatedly. I am realistic that it will take time but I felt that I do need someone out there whom I could relate to as a support for each other, since this is going to be  “long haul” journey.  

That all for now.

[white knight]

Hi Joe, welcome

Some BPD cases are difficult to comment on because comments can be taken wrongly. So bare with me please. My mother has BPD and my sister and I split from her several years ago- permanently. So it isn't easy to live with one. However anyone reading this that has, or their family member has BPD and is seeking medical help don't take this personally. But that's how far this illness can devastate.

You know you need to somehow get her to a GP and for the GP to recommend further treatment. To do this I would visit the GP alone and discuss the matter. If your wife knows this then she would feel a conspiracy coming on. Beware. Then ask your wife to go with you to your GP on the basis that you are concerned about her anxiety.

You are well aware of this illness. My best clarification was the book "walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson and Google "waif, witch, queen and hermit" for a laymans understanding. The word "witch" is hurtful hence my first sentence here.

Other than that you might need to live a life of ups and downs as my father did for 43 years, one of giving in more than most and not reacting.  But my dad also didn't stand up against her when he lost his sisters and he never saw them again. He passed on in 1992.

Another concern is your children. The mood swings and high emotion over issues not worthy of such reaction will subject your kids to an unstable home life. Such ' children of BPD mothers ' (Google that too) often end up with anxiety and depression. My sister and I both have these issues. So its really importan tto get her to a GP then, hopefully long term treatment. Mind you, a good percentage of BPD sufferers don't get treatment and if they do wont for the long term. Such is their attitude "there is nothing wrong with me" even though they often cause major disruption in all lives around them they feel full justification.

Take care Tony WK

[joe_pilgrim]

20 July 2015

Hi Tony, Thanks for sharing.

I am thinking of telling my wife that she is suffering from BPD when she is in her better moods.  ( not during a heated argument ) . you know….finding the right time, when she is more relax and receptive.

Thankfully the crisis a few days ago ended when we were able to talk over it and apologized to each other. I was quite surprise that she initiated  the “sorry” but glad that we could prevent the blame game.

After hearing from you, I think that I am willing to prepare myself for an unpleasant discussion / confrontation when I spill the beans later about my concern about her BPD symptoms and how it has affected her wellbeing and the family member’s wellbeing.

I am worried that if I do not take the courage to raise this issue now , she may find it hard to change her habitual emotional maladaptive coping when age catches up. Some experts believe that, for some people, it may be harder to change a person after the age of 40 years old! ( she is in her early 40’s ) Especially those who are close minded and has rigid thinking patterns.

Warm regards

Joe

[white knight]

I have reservations Joe that she'll be receptive in any way. Some people have insight into their own mental illness when told they may have one (and those are the lucky ones). BPD is much worse in this regard. Of all the mental illnesses we know of BPD is the most resistant.

Reasons for this is that from their perspective they are just "in a bad mood", "had a bad day" etc. Excuses abound. That's why I's so proud of the diagnosed BPD sufferers here on this forum discussing their issues openly and taking medication continuously along with therapy.

Good luck Joe. You can always ask her to read this thread as an example of your love and concern for her. She only needs to be reassured that you are merely asking her to seek professional opinion and treatment if your hunch is correct. If anything, if she is resistant, she could try to prove you wrong by seeking such help. A successful marriage contains many ingredients and one is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt in these circumstances particularly if they have medical knowledge.

Often however relationships suffer and lead to dissolving because the one with the condition remains stubborn to the end. I hope that isn't the case with you Joe. We are here if you need to talk further.

Take care  Tony WK

[joe_pilgrim]

Thanks Tony.  I will do what I can.  take care

[Theresas]

Hi Joe,

 I also suffer from BPD, and  it does help to know and to hear someone validating us. But to also give that space that she might also need, and going to therapy to help her cope. It more of an emotional dysregulation, that become extremely intense and out of no where. I have found that practicing mindfulness is very helpful to help calm us down, but that takes a long time to just relax, in high emotional state sometimes it good to try to go for a run or to even distract our-self ( maybe playing video games or anything),or writing in a journal, or even emailing someone who she trust. But please remember to make sure that this would be done little by little or there could be an huge overwhelming feeling. I know that there are books out their to help the cares as well as the person suffering. It is a drain for all. I had a chance of doing DBT therapy that is for people who have BPD which help's, I know that there are no medication out their to help BPD, but maybe some people are lucky enough to have some of the symptom can be revealed,  But I was not one of the ones where med's worked at all. But I do suffer from epilepsy, and depression as well.

All the best, and look after yourself as well.