Not sure how to help my boyfriend

[hs123]

Hi,

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for just little under a year now, but we have been friends for 3 years also. When I first met him, we lived on University residence and he was in a way, extroverted, he enjoyed talking to others and going to the gym, and because we are at uni we also spent a lot of time going out and having fun and going to the beach. However, this year he moved out with 2 of his friends and in the past year he has become very withdrawn, often he sits in his room for hours on end, will not go to class, and frequently sleeps, he only eats one meal a day, if that, and constantly watches movies and games. 

I understand that this is very typical of many male uni students, but the thing that really concerned me was when he told me this year, that he has failed all of his subjects since he started 2.5 years ago, and has hardly been to class in that time. He confided in me that he wanted to leave uni at the start of this year, and I supported him in looking for work, and he decided to apply for the army, but he was rejected due to medical reasons, which he plans to appeal. During his final semester at university, he dropped down to 2 subjects, didnt attend classes because he couldnt wake up for them, and did not attend one of his final exams because he couldn't be bothered, but lied to me and told me he went (i later found out when he slipped up in the lie). Since we have gone on uni holidays, he has spent almost every single day in bed, sleeping, or gaming, or watching tv. He has not applied for one job or written his appeal letter for the army and puts it off constantly, he has no motivation to do anything. 

I am a very focused individual, and I currently work 5 jobs, so my time to see him during this break has been limited, but every time I do want to see him he would rather sleep or game rather than spend quality time and it really frustrates me. I have tried to sit down and talk to him about writing a resume or his appeal letter, but he always laughs it off and says he will do it later, but never does. When i talk to him about what he wants to do for a career, he always tells me he is no good at anything, and he doesnt know what he wants to do, he just wants to be told what to do and he will do it.

I feel like he shows some of the symptoms of depression, but he tells me he is not depressed. Does this mean he is not, and I am overreacting? I feel like theres something deeper than just laziness? 

I would love some advice! 

[trustlife]

Hi hs123,

No you're not overreacting. Clearly he's caught up in some little world he's built for himself. Wether it can be diagnosed as clinical depression, laziness or some other condition is probably secondary to what you need to deal with each day. I would definitely get him to professional help using whatever means you can, but let's first take the worst case scenario and assume he will fight any of these suggestions. (Although I'd be interested to know what were the medical reasons for his rejection from the army. That may not be easy to find out.

What are his 2 friends up to? Are they completing their course? Are they approachable? Do they have similar tendencies? You haven't mentioned anything about drugs (which could be a big positive), but something is occupying his mind. You need to find out what this is. Get him back to your favourite beach and start discussing your favourite memories. Then whatever you do next you must catch his attention. Not necessarily with threats, but you need to clearly express how you feel. The truth is rarely a threat and see if you can get him to open up. Avoid using examples you mentioned, sleeping, games, telling lies, as he will immediately have a defence for each of them. You probably know this from experience. Instead ask him bluntly "What do you want to do with your life?" Simple question. When he start to answer, "Well I like to be ......, but" Interrupt him and tell him he's not allowed use the word but. Your on a beach, the setting is perfect, and he's only allowed talk about what he wants - NOTHING ELSE. Guide him and steer him towards a 5 minute conversation where he paints the most positive picture of himself, his life and a brilliant future. Don't worry if you don't get it first time, but when you do, watch those flood gates open and see the real boyfriend come pouring out. 

[hs123]

Trustlife, thank you for your response and your useful advice! Im going to try to talk to him today and use your advice! I dont like him to feel cornered.

The medical reasons for his rejection was because he has a benign cyst on his brain, but it has never affected him physically- I think the army might have just been over cautious, especially because it has something to do with the brain.

His 2 friends, are my really good friends also and they have noticed something is different, but they do note that when I'm around he is a lot better than when I'm not, apparently he never leaves his room except to cook his one meal a day and avoids conversation. They are both completing their course, and are pretty focused, and very sociable, we often have a lot of small gatherings at their house, and my boyfriend will never leave his room to acknowledge anyone when these are on, even if I am there. 

Drugs are thankfully not involved, but he does smoke every day, and very strong cigarettes too, can that have an impact on a persons behaviour? He always has to have one before he sleeps because he says that it helps him relax.

Thanks for all your help!