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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Puppiesmakemesmile Friend with depression has developed crush
  • replies: 4

New to site. I have a friend/colleague who suffers from depression and has reached a really low point that has similar characteristics that showed the previous time this friend hit rock bottom and harmed themselves.They have developed feelings toward... View more

New to site. I have a friend/colleague who suffers from depression and has reached a really low point that has similar characteristics that showed the previous time this friend hit rock bottom and harmed themselves.They have developed feelings towards myself and am unsure on how to handle the matter and help as friend without leading him on as they keep looking at my help as being possible reciprocated feelings. Can not find any threads on forums on how to help a friend with depression that has developed feelings. I do not want to give the wrong idea but also don't want to send him into an even deeper depression as he has stopped taking his medication and won't seek help even when there is a large strong friend support base who are offering to help him through this journey and join him in seeking help so he doesn't have to do it alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I do not want to make things worse. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Jaylouise My man of 11 years
  • replies: 6

i just want to know if my man has depression or he just over me . I walk in a room , he walks out . I have to ask for any intimacy . He dosent want anything from me .dosent socialize , dosent communicate very well . If I confront him about anything s... View more

i just want to know if my man has depression or he just over me . I walk in a room , he walks out . I have to ask for any intimacy . He dosent want anything from me .dosent socialize , dosent communicate very well . If I confront him about anything serious he will go to bed .There is so much good about him but for me I'm dying inside with no love or affection .

Aurellia Procrastination to anxiety to self loathing ....
  • replies: 4

My son finally came to us to seek help for depression and anxiety earlier this year and is thankfully now seeing a CBT professional. His anxiety is caused in part by an inability to act on tasks that he has to do as part of life - I realise that this... View more

My son finally came to us to seek help for depression and anxiety earlier this year and is thankfully now seeing a CBT professional. His anxiety is caused in part by an inability to act on tasks that he has to do as part of life - I realise that this is characteristic of many young men, but in this case his inability to act leads to bigger consequences which subsequently makes him feel useless, self loathing sets in, and the cycle continues . He described it very articulately as seeing a door that he needs to walk through, but all he can focus on is a small nail sticking out from the door frame that he will get stuck on. When I see it is starting to get overwhelming, I offer to take some of his tasks from him or help him, which he refuses as he is too proud to admit that he can't do it, often this also leads to him completely with drawing from me. I feel I am stuck, I have suggested setting small achievable goals, but the very notion of setting goals sends him into a panic. My husband is starting to lose patience which sets up another tension. I'd appreciate any suggestions or advice from others.

Acheron Partner with BPD - Help!
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I'm new here and thought I'd jump straight in. So I've been seeing my partner (who is 12 years my junior) for just over 3 years now. She's been diagnosed with BPD and I knew this from the start. We had a fantastic 3 years together and we have... View more

Hi all, I'm new here and thought I'd jump straight in. So I've been seeing my partner (who is 12 years my junior) for just over 3 years now. She's been diagnosed with BPD and I knew this from the start. We had a fantastic 3 years together and we have so much fun. We share a lot of common interests. The first year and a half of our relationship was me shifting from boyfriend to carer quite a lot, which doesn't bother me as I'm an exceptionally caring guy. As the time went on, we wanted to go on a trip, then focus in on getting a house, with a further look to having kids. Talk of marriage were there too. About 3 months ago, she started going around to a work colleague's house to watch a TV series. I found it a bit weird, but she doesn't have many friends and I felt that it would be nasty of me to deny her this. Plus he had a girlfriend. 7 or so weeks ago, after a psych appointment, she told me straight out that she feared she would sleep with him. I asked "but doesn't he have a gf?" and she told me he broke up with her. 3 days later she had decided that she wasn't feeling in the danger zone, so she'd go around to his place. Later on that night, I thought it was about time to pick her up. When I did, she was horribly drunk and ended up vomiting in the street. We went to bed and that was that. The next morning she told me she'd slept with him and that's when things odd. I told her that I wasn't going to dump her for one infidelity and we'd make this work out. Later that night, my friend who also has a PD suggested we move into an open relationship. This was agreeable to me at the time, as this may help us. I thought about seeing someone else too, but deep down I know it's not what I want. So, she sees this fellow every couple of weeks. It hurts every time.I always think when she's there that when she comes home I'll break up with her, but then she does and I change my mind. She says that he offers her something I can't, which is hard for me. The last time she went over there to see him was a few days ago, and he told her outright that he doesn't want to "go out with someone with BPD." But I do. We still are together and it's only on the days that she goes there that I find it very difficult. She told me that sometimes I make her feel trapped. Does anyone else have an experience like this? If you're still together with them, how do you do it? Is this possible to maintain?

Jabrjori Running out of people to talk to
  • replies: 5

So as my title suggests, I feel like I have run out of people to talk too. Mum: is a mess, depression, anxiety at extreme levels at the moment, the alcoholism that goes with it isnt numbing the pain, I spent 45 min on the phone listening to her cry t... View more

So as my title suggests, I feel like I have run out of people to talk too. Mum: is a mess, depression, anxiety at extreme levels at the moment, the alcoholism that goes with it isnt numbing the pain, I spent 45 min on the phone listening to her cry tonight Dad: also suffers from depression but has his under control, he has lost half his nose to skin cancer and is having to have plastic surgery. He has a lot of trouble supporting my mum, and doesn't know how to help, so he drinks with her and as much as her. They have both been told they are suffering from severe damage to there livers, water off a ducks back Aunty; also suffers from depression (even though "I am TOTALLY Fine, I have a positive outlook, I don't dwell on the past and life's good) she was my rock to talk to about my mum as its her sister, that's until I started getting like, "your mum is being selfish and will take you down with her," the best one "she needs to snap out of it" 1 of my best friends is suffering from depression and anxiety and i listen to her on the phone, (as she doesnt live close) and I tell her I am fine, mums life is fine too even though its not Another bestie, also isnt great, whenever I talk to her about stuff, she always turns it back and tells me she knows what its like. She has her Mum as her Mum, I have my Mum as someone who is more my daugther at the moment My final best friend has just been diagnosed with PTS from a workplace bullying in the last fornight My Mother in law, is having problems with my brother and sister in law, and my brother in law died 4 years ago, so I don't like to burden her with my problems my HUSBAND is the best, he is always here, gives me a cuddle, but sometimes you just need someone else, bless him. We are very busy with a struggling small business and 4 little kids between 6 and 2.5 I am worried that all of this in my life is going to bring me down too. I am doing my best to leave the conversation with my friends and my aunty on the phone, or email or however. Unfortunately with my mum its much harder. My mum needs more help than she is getting, she spent 20 days in a private hospital last year and I think this is where she needs to be, She lies to the educators and the doctors about whats going on. I am to scared to ring these people for a chat as I am "the daughter' Sorry for the big rant, there is no need to reply, unless you want too, I sometimes feel its easier to write this shit down! Take care people, someone loves you!

Jenny30 I think my husband is depressed and it's ruining our marriage
  • replies: 2

We have a two year old and a five month old. Recently we've been through lots of stress.we had a second baby who is extremely unsettled and has medical issues, we sold our home and moved in with my mum and are about to start building a new house. My ... View more

We have a two year old and a five month old. Recently we've been through lots of stress.we had a second baby who is extremely unsettled and has medical issues, we sold our home and moved in with my mum and are about to start building a new house. My husband turned around one day and announced he is seeing a relationship therapist to work out what he wants because he is not happy and feels no connection with me anymore! He has been so up and down with his mood, he punched a hole in the wall, he shouted abuse at my poor mum, he gets home from work and has a bath or gets into bed. He blames me for all his feelings and thinks if he left he might be able to find some happiness. He isn't eating or sleeping and is exhausted all the time. I need some help. I am doing everything for the kids all by myself and trying to encourage him to see another gp and let me go too but he doesn't accept he may have depression. It runs in his family too.

LR Issues w Mum - Depression or Anxiety?
  • replies: 1

When we lived in NZ about 14 years ago, I remember my mum being busy, with purpose and generally happy. I loved being around her because she was cheeky and awesome (e.g. got my friend and me from school, bought us junk food and let us stay home 'sick... View more

When we lived in NZ about 14 years ago, I remember my mum being busy, with purpose and generally happy. I loved being around her because she was cheeky and awesome (e.g. got my friend and me from school, bought us junk food and let us stay home 'sick'). Once we moved to Australia in 2001, things slowly started to change. She was still working but somehow I don't remember her being as happy. She had a lot of trouble at work with being bullied, and then sustaining carpal tunnel in both hands which she had operated and then sustaining a massive shoulder injury through a fall. As a result, she couldn't work again, and for the last few years has been pottering around, looking after my sister's kids etc. My parents recently paid off their house and they are in a pretty good financial situation without any major worries. However, my father's mother got very sick and my dad left at the last minute to take care of her and put her in a home etc. My mother has never liked her mother-in-law, and has always made snide comments, to the point where my father doesn't even mention his mother in front of my mum. It seems that my mother's behaviour is getting worse, and I don't know whether it's depression, anxiety or dementia. She constantly criticises me, my father and my sister. For example: my house is messy so my mum behaves as if it's a sign of something bigger with a tone that suggests I'm a complete disappointment my father (a chauffeur) gets a fine in the mail (happens a bit when you drive for a living) and the first thing she does when he gets home is tell him about it she doesn't believe that the reason my sister and her family are moving from Sydney to Melbourne is to be close to us - she thinks that both my brother-in-law and my sister have lost their jobs she addresses an envelope to my sister in the wrong part of the envelope and receives it from the courier this morning took her to high tea for her birthday and she complained about the cold, the tea selection, the venue, the service etc When I spoke to her yesterday, she dropped the bombshell that she clearly has to see someone and get some anti depressants because she keeps upsetting people but she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I should probably mention that I had a trauma (parents don't know the details) a year ago and have been seeing a psychologist and taking ADs. I want to help and I think she does need to speak to someone but I don't know if she'll go.

Fishproquo I sometimes struggle with my wife's depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I guess I'm just looking for some other people to talk to about having a wife who suffers with depression. I struggle at times as I feel that I do so much to try and make her life easier, less stressful and I guess it gets ... View more

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I guess I'm just looking for some other people to talk to about having a wife who suffers with depression. I struggle at times as I feel that I do so much to try and make her life easier, less stressful and I guess it gets to me when I'm constantly trying so hard whilst all the time my needs are basically not met.. And then all these things I do don't seem to help. From cooking to cleaning to looking after the kids so that she can go and take time out to do things or see her friends. I guess it's just hard at times to always be giving so much of yourself and not getting the things that I require to live happily. I hate that I get annoyed by not getting what I want so I get upset and cranky with her and then she cries because I'm upset with her for not giving me what I want and then I feel guilty for wanting the things that I want:-( i guess some advice on better ways to handle my wife's depression and the things that I need would be great lol. Cheers.

Wopha I'm struggling to support my boyfriend
  • replies: 3

Hi there, i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has always been one of the most optimistic people I know. In the past month or so however he has been steadily declining and now tells me he feels like he is happy when he is doing things but... View more

Hi there, i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has always been one of the most optimistic people I know. In the past month or so however he has been steadily declining and now tells me he feels like he is happy when he is doing things but sad always as a general feeling. The other night he was at a party and halfway through ha to leave because he felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. He is talking more about his feelings to me which is a positive and he still goes to work, sees people etc which is another good sign. He does however think he might have early stages of depression or mild depression but is reluctant to get help. I have recommended different things but ultimately it has to come from him to want to get help. basically I just want advice on how I can best support him in this situation, because it's getting hard for both of us when there's so much negativity

FCM80 Breaking up with my BPD boyfriend...
  • replies: 4

After nearly a year of extreme ups and downs with my boyfriend I have been busy reading about his behaviours and am convinced he has BPD. The descriptions describe his behaviours and our relationship to a tea! I have tried so many times to discuss th... View more

After nearly a year of extreme ups and downs with my boyfriend I have been busy reading about his behaviours and am convinced he has BPD. The descriptions describe his behaviours and our relationship to a tea! I have tried so many times to discuss the issues, reason with him, help him understand that the outbursts and his behaviour is not socially acceptable or normal or fair, but he doesn't get it. I've read this is typical of a BPD. It's time for me to exit the relationship. I'm worn out, my relationships with family and friends are under pressure, there are drug dependency issues, spending beyond his means, borrowing money from people left right and centre, lies, changing of stories, threats, tantrums, manipulation, damaging property, and it's "all my fault". Everything he does is for us, I don't try hard enough, I need to trust him and love him unconditionally, I need to give up my job so I can dedicate more time to focus on our relationship... The list goes on. I have planned out a 3 step process: preparing for the break up (e.g. Becoming boring, saying I'm tired, depressed and confused), doing the break up, and managing post break up (e.g. Not responding to the 87 emails, texts etc. which happened last time I tried to break it off)... If you have broken up with someone with BPD and have any tips, hints or advice, please share. Last time I broke up with him the pressure and persistence from him was incredible... The guilt was severe. The attraction to go back to him was intense. Can't afford for this to happen again... Any ideas?