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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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XOXO My Bipolar husband blames me for everything
  • replies: 3

My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for 8 years now. No kids. He is smart, responsible, funny and very caring. Like all married couples, we promised to take care of each other and promised 'til death fo us part. He was... View more

My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for 8 years now. No kids. He is smart, responsible, funny and very caring. Like all married couples, we promised to take care of each other and promised 'til death fo us part. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 3 years ago.Our main problem is that he is still in denial of his illness therefor he refuses treatment. So far he has had 2 major manic episodes and was put on treatment order on both occassions due to non compliance. Every episode is a big, I mean, BIG drama. His treatment order was lifted in May as he was able to convice his doctors, case manager and myself included that he fully understands his condition and promised to continue his meds!He got what he wanted! Next minute, he ceased all his meds! He begged me not to tell his doctors, and for some reason, I agreed. Maybe because I was left with no choice, he threatened to leave me 'the controlling wife', or maybe because I miss the man I married (we all know how those meds can turn one into a zombie), or maybe I am just plain stupid, I don't really know.But we made a plan, two things: NO drugs (Cannabis) and first sign of mania or depression he exhibits, I will call his doctor. I noticed changes in him last month, he started to wear bright colourful clothes, been spending a lot, less sleep and all those classic signs,I also found out that he started to 'self medicate' with cannabis again, everytime he's elevated, there is this whole 'Cannabis will save the world' and 'Herb will heal the nation' belief of him. He is totally obsessed with it! Tried to talk him out of it but I got a firm response: "I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE, IT MAKES ME HAPPY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT" So, I called his doctor and as expected, he was deemed hypomanic again, he was advised to resume his meds but of course he refused. The moment we got home, he started blaming me AGAIN, which he does everytime he's hospitalised and forced to take meds. He's even threatening of getting a divorce so I can't make any decisions on his care. This is a vicious cycle, I feel hopeless, he is good at making me think and feel less of myself. Everytime he's elevated I AM HIS ENEMY. But when he's well, he's very sorry and I am his world and queen again. I am always confused when he tells me bad things, I wonder if it is his illness talking or that's what he really feels?I don't know what to do now,I love my husband but I am tired,there is only so much I can take WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Rob1983 Depressed wife, need help!
  • replies: 3

Hi, My wife suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. Recently she has had some extreme lows where she has been saying "I feel dead inside" and "sometime I don't want to wake up in the morning".Over the years she has been to countless... View more

Hi, My wife suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. Recently she has had some extreme lows where she has been saying "I feel dead inside" and "sometime I don't want to wake up in the morning".Over the years she has been to countless doctors and done many depressions tests, all of which she has scored very high on. However since our first child was born 4 years ago she has had very little to no treatment for these issues. She claims anti depressants make her feel sick wont take them and she has "no time" for counselors in her wordsA few weeks ago I managed to convince her to take some medication and the difference was amazing, I could tell by her face that something was different and that night she showed me some affection (she hugged me as I did the washing up). That was only the second and unfortunately last night she took the medication.Last weekend I sought help from her parents thinking that she might listen to them more than me. She didntI leave for work at 6 and am home by 5, When I get home I help with the housework and usually dont get to sit down until around 8pm. But it seams no matter what I do right she always focuses on things I didnt do (for example not straigtening the towel out on the shower screen or not hanging out the washing how she would do it). This is in her mind me not listening to her and claims that its part of the reason she feels so bad. I dont want to live the rest of my life having to do things exactly how she would just so she doesnt get angryMy wife has recently gone back to work 2 days a week and I think this is compounding the issue.Last night I made a stand and stood up for myself and in a nutshell told her I want her to take her medication or I dont want to be with her.She has just informed me by txt msg she wants a divorce.Regardless of what happens between her and myself I know she needs help and I worry for my children. I do not know what to do. Thanks for listening.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

arialgk My son is shutting me out.
  • replies: 5

My 19yr old son and I share a house. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off for years. Also suffered ptsd throughout. My son has seen and experienced a lot. I have been dealing and getting help with my iissues. I know I have taught him som... View more

My 19yr old son and I share a house. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off for years. Also suffered ptsd throughout. My son has seen and experienced a lot. I have been dealing and getting help with my iissues. I know I have taught him some bad coping habits eg: staying in the house and not going out. I have been trying to lead by example and being supportive. He has suffered from depression as he told me one day and cryed in front of me. I told him to see someone to talk to, go to doctor and discuss options, join a group of some sort something he is interested in. That I was there if he wanted to talk. Things picked up but I fear he spiraling down again and shutting me out. He hardly talks at all. I just want to know he is okay and be able to connect with him on some level. He doesn't go out. Stays home all the time. Not sure about friends. Just him and me since he was little. I try to give him his space also. I don't know how to reach him, or am I asking to much.???

Jen781 Has anyone had a partner successfully manage anxiety or depression?
  • replies: 5

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the ... View more

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the both of them, with no one seeing that I need support also. I can not fullfil personal goals and dreams as my partner's anxiety and depression makes him incredibly selfish and self centred. I work full time from home and also have my toddler with me 24/7. I cook, clean, anything and everything you can think of to try and lessen the stress in his life- yet there is nothing but constant complaining about how hard his life is. He is really very hard to be around, life is no fun. I should mention that he has been in weekly therapy for 5 years. Do you think one day I will have a happy carefree husband who loves life and stops to smell the roses with me? Or will this be my life forever.

Losing_hope Confused by his psychologist's comments
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he strugg... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he struggles to speak in emotional situations and can't express what he thinks and feels. The panic and anxiety when we speak are very visible. He has a counsellor and a psychologist who he sees sporadically, and we have a couples psychologist. Our couples counseling has been helpful, but my partner says that his psychologist and counsellor have told him that I'm "verbally abusive", a "control freak", that "I don't love him" and he should walk away from our relationship. I don't believe a qualified psychologist who specialises in anxiety and depression and who's never met me would make these comments, but my partner swears black and blue he's telling the truth. His family isn't supportive of our relationship and I believe the comments have come from them- they have made comments in the past that "if I really loved him, I'd do...this....or that". He feels his family are very supportive and that I'm the problem. I really try to not bring his family into our discussions; so my question is, would a psychologist really make comments and give a patient direction like this?? I'm really trying to do this for our family, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you

myvroses Recovering, but having to support depressed friend as well
  • replies: 2

Dear friends, I suffered from depression for about 8 years, but last year I finally went and received professional help. I consider myself to be in recovery. Even though life is still difficult, I’m in a much better mindset and I’m more equipped to c... View more

Dear friends, I suffered from depression for about 8 years, but last year I finally went and received professional help. I consider myself to be in recovery. Even though life is still difficult, I’m in a much better mindset and I’m more equipped to cope when I am having problems. My best friend of 9 years has been depressed for much longer than I have, but has refused to seek professional help until recently after years of encouragement on my part. He has always been quite verbal about his depression and everyone around him, including myself, have tried to be as supportive and accommodating as possible. I had hoped that my recovery would somehow help him and give him hope that while difficult, things can get better. However, he maintains his pessimistic attitude and often just feels sorry for himself. It has reached a point where I am constantly emotionally exhausted. While I feel like I have come a long way to reach this point, I’m beginning to think he is holding me back as his constant reliance on me is taking a toll on my mental well-being. He knows that his behaviour is negatively affecting me and regularly apologises and feels bad about it. He wants to change, but thinks that it is impossible and will come up with every excuse. At times, I think he is emotionally manipulating me as he threatens self-harm or suicide. The most recent incident was a few weeks ago when I told him I was in a relationship. He was extremely upset and felt that I had betrayed him. It resulted in me taking him to the hospital. He is now on medication and gets regular, random visits from doctors and has begun therapy. I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him at this crucial point in his life as I think that will cause him to spiral, but I am also reaching my breaking point and don’t want to undo all the hard work it has taken me to recover. I need guidance. What can I do?

AnnieN Boyfriend with anxiety packed up and left
  • replies: 3

We have been together for almost 9 months, lived together for 7 months of that. I have never had a love like this. And he said he felt the same. He was always so affectionate, planning our lives together. We have had a few arguments and always found ... View more

We have been together for almost 9 months, lived together for 7 months of that. I have never had a love like this. And he said he felt the same. He was always so affectionate, planning our lives together. We have had a few arguments and always found a way through them. Last night we had an argument and he said he was going to leave. I broke down, he said he didnt know why he said it, he loved me. Then today I try to text him while he is at work and he didnt reply all day. Then I get a message saying he has packed all his things and left. That he can't be with me anymore. He loves me but isn't in love with me. I just don't understand how we can go from such an affectionate passionate love to packing up and leaving. He said he can't feel love, he doesn't love his brother or his mother. He told me to leave him alone. I love him so much I am so lost. I really don't know what to do. Could it be that he just needs some time, is it just the anxiety?

Buck27 Helping and supporting
  • replies: 3

Hi, My close girlfriend lost her partner last year to suicide. I am struggling to support her and feel like she is pushing me away and not dealing with it properly and i am worried about her. can anyone suggest any tips to help me deal with this.

Hi, My close girlfriend lost her partner last year to suicide. I am struggling to support her and feel like she is pushing me away and not dealing with it properly and i am worried about her. can anyone suggest any tips to help me deal with this.

pimmento My journey as a carer
  • replies: 2

Hello, I have had a time trying to log in and introduce myself. I was a carer for 3 years to family members and I found myself travelling interstate, giving up my job, spending all my savings, massing up credit card debt, using every little bit of en... View more

Hello, I have had a time trying to log in and introduce myself. I was a carer for 3 years to family members and I found myself travelling interstate, giving up my job, spending all my savings, massing up credit card debt, using every little bit of energy to save my child (aged in the late 30's then) still my child, flesh and blood etc. This of course changed the course of my life, I have to say that all is as good as it can be and I have learned many things and now volunteer for street outreach, and also visit the lonely and elderly disabled when I am able. I have chosen to embark on a continuous learning journey for life. I always say that we can experience extreme life and then we can use those experiences in our learning journey. Family, friends and others, they are not replaceable so we do what we do as carers. I have never thought of mental illness as different from 'illness' and that is one thing that I discovered about myself, I was able to work harder and be more understanding because I did understand but looking through my own eyes, fear of failure did not enter my mind, we got there with strength of love.

Sady My husband is depressed
  • replies: 4

I fear my husband has had depression for quite some time. Only lasts 2 years at a job then we have to move.Each time, I leave my job,everythib we know,All in hope that he hates it where we are, and I hope the fresh start will help him out. Hes seen d... View more

I fear my husband has had depression for quite some time. Only lasts 2 years at a job then we have to move.Each time, I leave my job,everythib we know,All in hope that he hates it where we are, and I hope the fresh start will help him out. Hes seen doctors, but unfortunately he doesn't devolve the full truth so I don't feel he gets the help he is needed. We left our last town because he hated it and kept talking of killing himself all the time. He said he never would,but still hurts hearing it. Especially when he'd say it around our 4yr old son.Which he never really interacts with. He's always tired,or just tells me to go.Never wanted to watch him with sport,do daycare dropoffs,put him to bed,nothing very often at all. So off we go for a fresh start,it has been hell. I am not working for the first time as kindy hours don't allow much.But we moved knowing that would b the case as I had to quit to move states. Now everything is ,I sit around all day, his money, I don't work so I'm expected to do everything.Most points i tend to agree, the house is always clean,son is well looked after,tea always cooked,but still feel it's not enough for him. I'm always im trouble for somthing.I realise with depression that he may not mean the things he says its just his frame of mind atm so I try real hard and not let it get to me. The abuse grows daily,including our son. I give him his space,let him go drinking,he basically has no rules except to try and include us in some of his outings please. He throws/kicks things,still wants nothing to do with our don, calls him names, doesn't do school drop offs, went to the park cause he begged him too, after 10min he got shitty and wanted to go home. Calls me names constantly. I keep telling him I love him im here for him but I think u need help, he'll admit depression and agree to help, few days later deny again.last night he told me that this isn't working and wants to break up with me. I'm devastated. After much talk he's agreed to go see a councillor but I can't help dwelling on the fact he said what he said. He's happy at work comes home and miserable so it must be my fault. I can't stop crying I'm so lost. I've always supported him, through his mistakes that have hurt me in the past he says he regrets (cheating/dvo), but now he wants to pull the pin. I'm hurt but angry, after all I've put up with now suddenly he gets to end things??? please only kind words I can't deal with any negativity today.many thanks.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.