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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LoveActually Struggling to cope with husband's depression bombshell
  • replies: 4

Almost two weeks ago my husband came home from a night out in tears. Over the course of the weekend he admitted that he was depressed and had been for two years. He had had some untreated anxiety for several years but he always said it was rare that ... View more

Almost two weeks ago my husband came home from a night out in tears. Over the course of the weekend he admitted that he was depressed and had been for two years. He had had some untreated anxiety for several years but he always said it was rare that he felt panicked. He had been stressed and busy at work and he had assured me his anxiety was not a part of it when he got tired or impatient at home. As I struggled to cope with this bombshell,he dropped another bombshell - he is not sure if he loves me any more and if I just change this and that he will be able to get better. Having spent almost thirty years together, with two great children I am shattered. He won't discuss any of this except to say that he feels better that he has told me he is depressed. I can't tell how much of his statement about not loving me is due to depression or is our relationship the cause of our depression. He sent one text to say he feels better when he is with me and that he loves me but since then any time I say I love him I get no response. For a couple that would text each other at work that we loved each other this is such a big change. Since then I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am second guessing everything I say in case it upsets him. We have not spoken about anything serious for two weeks. Only superficial stuff. I watch him acting normally with the kids, talking on the phone like there is nothing wrong in his world and I feel like the last two years have been fake. I wonder how many times we have been doing things, having fun, and it has all been an act. The worst part is that I desperately want to help this man but feel I have to respect his request to work it out on his own. So scared if I push him that he might close up completely, or worse list more of the things he finds wrong with me. Sorry this is all over the place. I needed to get this out of my head and if anyone has advice on how to handle these first steps that would be great too. I have read the resources on the site and many posts but feel like the floor is tipping and I don't have the skills to prevent us all sliding off the edge.

Jason321 My partner has depression, wont get help, and blames me for everything!!??
  • replies: 9

Hi there, i need help asap. My partner has experienced depression 2 years ago, she went and got help and was medicated for it and was back to her normal self preety quickly. But she went off the meds as she fell pregnant, now that weve had our son, o... View more

Hi there, i need help asap. My partner has experienced depression 2 years ago, she went and got help and was medicated for it and was back to her normal self preety quickly. But she went off the meds as she fell pregnant, now that weve had our son, over a year ago now, shes taken a major turn..she says she has lost her feeling for me,she isnt her self, she acts angry at home, locks her self away and doents want to be touched, coudeled, looked at or spoken to. When i confronted her regarding this, she simply threw it back in my face, refused to go see anybody and blamed the relationship.Our son has noticed mummy isnt quite mummy at the moment aswell. She blames me for the whole situation and i cant get through to her that she/we need help. Ive spent hours and hours on the phone with mulitiple councelers and friends and have all said that it sounds like depression again. I know shes not herself but keeps says the most hurtful things to me and trying to push me away."I dont have feelings for you anymore" "i want out" "i cant do this anymore" "theres no us anymore" she says. Ive been to doctors about this incase she does goes in so they know exactly whats going on. She says she doesnt have a problem, your the problem"..... Im running out of courage here, and i love her so so much. Ive continualy told her, i dont care what u call me, im not leaving you, I love you, I care for you, and im here for you. But she simply throws it back in my face. Ineed help ASAP as we have a youg fella to bring up and i know shes not who she really is. PLEASE HELP!

yarnartisan 15yo with depression, my partner and I are in shock
  • replies: 3

I have an inherited serotonin defiency that caused my anxiety. Then due to a two year period of high stress and physical injuries I developed depression and acute stress disorder . I joined BB last month during a bad depressive bout and although init... View more

I have an inherited serotonin defiency that caused my anxiety. Then due to a two year period of high stress and physical injuries I developed depression and acute stress disorder . I joined BB last month during a bad depressive bout and although initially scary have found it to be a great source of support and help. My eldest child also inherited the serotonin deficiency and has anxiety plus hypoglycaemia and anaemia plus this year is her last year of high school with all the extra stresses that adds to her life and ours. Today my partner and I took my 15 yr old to the drs as we has some concerns and she has been diagnosed with severe depression, has had suicidal tendencies and has self harmed. Our GP was great , she is now on meds,a mental health care plan and we have a referral to a psych. Plus she is now on reach out and BB. At the risk of sounding selfish I don't know how I'm going to cope with this even though I know I'll have to. My cup runneth over with parental guilt and a sense of failure and hopelessness . My partner and I are in shock . I'm feeling so overwhelmed and scared I'm going to fall apart and fail her even more by being useless. Anyone got a lifeline they can throw me? Are you there White Knight ? You always give me sage and practical advice . help!! Are there any other parents in the same situation of being depressive themselves plus having kids with it too. Can someone please help me out Yarnartisan

Mizlissa PTSD woman loves man with depression. Help!
  • replies: 1

background - together 4 yrs 3 of them amazing. He's been suffering for a while but when I suggested help he wouldn't go, I work full time so I've been putting off going to see someone too. I know I need to! My PTSD is making me paranoid and insecure ... View more

background - together 4 yrs 3 of them amazing. He's been suffering for a while but when I suggested help he wouldn't go, I work full time so I've been putting off going to see someone too. I know I need to! My PTSD is making me paranoid and insecure which leads to anger. This anger has led to a huge blowout ending our relationship (though we were engaged and getting married in a few months). It also caused him to finally go to the doctor. It's almost defiantly some sort of depression/anxiety that causes him to blow up over the smallest things run off and lock himself in a caravan for days. My question is this, he is blaming me for everything lashing out like mad, texting non stop about how everything is destroyed because of me. I want to help him get through this, I can't leave him like that! I know it sounds stupid but I love him, I have children I know what it means to love someone who poops in your hand. I love him like that, I need help to help him.

Confused91 Partner Suffering Breakdown - My Fault
  • replies: 3

Hi All, My partner of 9 years has suffered from anxiety from around the age of 10, when we got together he was on medication and had the anxiety under control. Over the years he goes through a rough patch about every 18 months (shuts down, hides away... View more

Hi All, My partner of 9 years has suffered from anxiety from around the age of 10, when we got together he was on medication and had the anxiety under control. Over the years he goes through a rough patch about every 18 months (shuts down, hides away and is generally depressed) this usually lasts a week and then he is back to the norm. Around 3 months ago he broke my trust (money related) and on discovering what he had done I took some time to myself to reevaluate our relationship. I forgave him for what he had done and genuinely believe he is sorry for what he has done. Since I discovered this he has completely shut down like I have never seen before, suffering panic attacks, calling my work number crying, no motivation and he generally seems out of it. I sent him to the doctor which I also attended the appointment who referred him to a counceller for some assistance. There has been no improvement over the past 6 weeks which is taking a huge toll on both of our lives. He goes to work when he chooses and picks fights with his boss to get sent home, he sits around the house in his underwear failing to do anything like a house hold chore or cook. I ask him to do something & when he doesn't he says I didn't ask him or he forgot. Can any of you provide any ways of how I can get some motivation back into my usually loving, caring and helpful partner? His lack of motivation and constant sadness is taking a huge toll on our relationship and lives and I can't help but feel guilty and resent myself for pulling him up for his wrong doing as this is what started this. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole, My honesty was the cause of his pain, therefore I should be unhappy too. Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated, I just wish I could rewind 3 months back to when I had a happy partner who would leave the house with me. HELP!!?

XOXO My Bipolar husband blames me for everything
  • replies: 3

My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for 8 years now. No kids. He is smart, responsible, funny and very caring. Like all married couples, we promised to take care of each other and promised 'til death fo us part. He was... View more

My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for 8 years now. No kids. He is smart, responsible, funny and very caring. Like all married couples, we promised to take care of each other and promised 'til death fo us part. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 3 years ago.Our main problem is that he is still in denial of his illness therefor he refuses treatment. So far he has had 2 major manic episodes and was put on treatment order on both occassions due to non compliance. Every episode is a big, I mean, BIG drama. His treatment order was lifted in May as he was able to convice his doctors, case manager and myself included that he fully understands his condition and promised to continue his meds!He got what he wanted! Next minute, he ceased all his meds! He begged me not to tell his doctors, and for some reason, I agreed. Maybe because I was left with no choice, he threatened to leave me 'the controlling wife', or maybe because I miss the man I married (we all know how those meds can turn one into a zombie), or maybe I am just plain stupid, I don't really know.But we made a plan, two things: NO drugs (Cannabis) and first sign of mania or depression he exhibits, I will call his doctor. I noticed changes in him last month, he started to wear bright colourful clothes, been spending a lot, less sleep and all those classic signs,I also found out that he started to 'self medicate' with cannabis again, everytime he's elevated, there is this whole 'Cannabis will save the world' and 'Herb will heal the nation' belief of him. He is totally obsessed with it! Tried to talk him out of it but I got a firm response: "I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE, IT MAKES ME HAPPY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT" So, I called his doctor and as expected, he was deemed hypomanic again, he was advised to resume his meds but of course he refused. The moment we got home, he started blaming me AGAIN, which he does everytime he's hospitalised and forced to take meds. He's even threatening of getting a divorce so I can't make any decisions on his care. This is a vicious cycle, I feel hopeless, he is good at making me think and feel less of myself. Everytime he's elevated I AM HIS ENEMY. But when he's well, he's very sorry and I am his world and queen again. I am always confused when he tells me bad things, I wonder if it is his illness talking or that's what he really feels?I don't know what to do now,I love my husband but I am tired,there is only so much I can take WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Rob1983 Depressed wife, need help!
  • replies: 3

Hi, My wife suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. Recently she has had some extreme lows where she has been saying "I feel dead inside" and "sometime I don't want to wake up in the morning".Over the years she has been to countless... View more

Hi, My wife suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. Recently she has had some extreme lows where she has been saying "I feel dead inside" and "sometime I don't want to wake up in the morning".Over the years she has been to countless doctors and done many depressions tests, all of which she has scored very high on. However since our first child was born 4 years ago she has had very little to no treatment for these issues. She claims anti depressants make her feel sick wont take them and she has "no time" for counselors in her wordsA few weeks ago I managed to convince her to take some medication and the difference was amazing, I could tell by her face that something was different and that night she showed me some affection (she hugged me as I did the washing up). That was only the second and unfortunately last night she took the medication.Last weekend I sought help from her parents thinking that she might listen to them more than me. She didntI leave for work at 6 and am home by 5, When I get home I help with the housework and usually dont get to sit down until around 8pm. But it seams no matter what I do right she always focuses on things I didnt do (for example not straigtening the towel out on the shower screen or not hanging out the washing how she would do it). This is in her mind me not listening to her and claims that its part of the reason she feels so bad. I dont want to live the rest of my life having to do things exactly how she would just so she doesnt get angryMy wife has recently gone back to work 2 days a week and I think this is compounding the issue.Last night I made a stand and stood up for myself and in a nutshell told her I want her to take her medication or I dont want to be with her.She has just informed me by txt msg she wants a divorce.Regardless of what happens between her and myself I know she needs help and I worry for my children. I do not know what to do. Thanks for listening.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

arialgk My son is shutting me out.
  • replies: 5

My 19yr old son and I share a house. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off for years. Also suffered ptsd throughout. My son has seen and experienced a lot. I have been dealing and getting help with my iissues. I know I have taught him som... View more

My 19yr old son and I share a house. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off for years. Also suffered ptsd throughout. My son has seen and experienced a lot. I have been dealing and getting help with my iissues. I know I have taught him some bad coping habits eg: staying in the house and not going out. I have been trying to lead by example and being supportive. He has suffered from depression as he told me one day and cryed in front of me. I told him to see someone to talk to, go to doctor and discuss options, join a group of some sort something he is interested in. That I was there if he wanted to talk. Things picked up but I fear he spiraling down again and shutting me out. He hardly talks at all. I just want to know he is okay and be able to connect with him on some level. He doesn't go out. Stays home all the time. Not sure about friends. Just him and me since he was little. I try to give him his space also. I don't know how to reach him, or am I asking to much.???

Jen781 Has anyone had a partner successfully manage anxiety or depression?
  • replies: 5

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the ... View more

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the both of them, with no one seeing that I need support also. I can not fullfil personal goals and dreams as my partner's anxiety and depression makes him incredibly selfish and self centred. I work full time from home and also have my toddler with me 24/7. I cook, clean, anything and everything you can think of to try and lessen the stress in his life- yet there is nothing but constant complaining about how hard his life is. He is really very hard to be around, life is no fun. I should mention that he has been in weekly therapy for 5 years. Do you think one day I will have a happy carefree husband who loves life and stops to smell the roses with me? Or will this be my life forever.

Losing_hope Confused by his psychologist's comments
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he strugg... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he struggles to speak in emotional situations and can't express what he thinks and feels. The panic and anxiety when we speak are very visible. He has a counsellor and a psychologist who he sees sporadically, and we have a couples psychologist. Our couples counseling has been helpful, but my partner says that his psychologist and counsellor have told him that I'm "verbally abusive", a "control freak", that "I don't love him" and he should walk away from our relationship. I don't believe a qualified psychologist who specialises in anxiety and depression and who's never met me would make these comments, but my partner swears black and blue he's telling the truth. His family isn't supportive of our relationship and I believe the comments have come from them- they have made comments in the past that "if I really loved him, I'd do...this....or that". He feels his family are very supportive and that I'm the problem. I really try to not bring his family into our discussions; so my question is, would a psychologist really make comments and give a patient direction like this?? I'm really trying to do this for our family, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you