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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Fambam Worried mother
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm new to this but have recently found out my daughter has been abusing ice in an attempt to escape her depression. My whole family has been involved and kept this from me, I feel hurt and betrayed by this. I don't know where to go from her or w... View more

Hi, I'm new to this but have recently found out my daughter has been abusing ice in an attempt to escape her depression. My whole family has been involved and kept this from me, I feel hurt and betrayed by this. I don't know where to go from her or what to do.

Ayo Angry and Confused- Depressed husband drinking and stealing money and not getting help
  • replies: 4

My husband became depressed 18 months ago. He had taken a voluntary redundancy from work. We did some building renovations, spent the money and when he tried to get back to work, he was unsuccessful in a few interviews and the depression set in. His ... View more

My husband became depressed 18 months ago. He had taken a voluntary redundancy from work. We did some building renovations, spent the money and when he tried to get back to work, he was unsuccessful in a few interviews and the depression set in. His confidence is so low now and the anxiety is so bad he believes he will never work again, Luckily I had just graduated as a teacher and was successful in securing employment. This means I have been able to pay mortgage and bills. We also have a young daughter. My husband had always been the bread winner, a great dad and looked after us well. Now he just stays at home, drinks at any available opportunity, morning, noon or night - does not follow up with counseling, seeing doctor, exercise. I cannot leave money or wallet around because he takes it and spends money on alcohol and cigarettes (he never really smoked in past). He is always finding my hiding spots and it really annoys me that he spends money that is for bills on booze. He does get his own money which all goes on alcohol and booze. He is on medication which may have helped a little as he is not suicidal. He had been admitted to mental health dept 3 times. He did try suicide but unable to go through with it.I try my best to understand the depression as an illness and I know he is not choosing it. It gets so frustrating though because he is not doing anything to help it. I am so busy with work and trying to keep it all together and often feel guilty that I should be doing more to help him. He did try a rehab and lasted a week.A couple of times I have kicked him out thinking this might push him to get help. He does have a place to stay close to his family, 8 hours away. However, I keep taking him back because I get so worried about him especially when I can't get in contact with him. His mum is very angry at him, his sister doesn't really talk to him (she has her own family and life) but his brother has been great support and would check in on him daily.He has been back with me for this last term, he does help out with our daughter, getting her to school and does some cooking. However, much of his time, he isolates in house, watches tv , drinks , smokes etc. I gave him an ultimatum a few week ago, saying that if he doesn't get help or start to change by Christmas that that is the end of our relationship. I don't want this -I love him and know he is a great person, but I can't keep going like this. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

lmh Letter to a loved one
  • replies: 2

I was wanting to write a letter for my partner voicing my concerns, as he won't talk to me about it. I just wanted to post a draft here first so I could get peoples feedback, suggestions etc. *back story, he called me the other night saying he was ov... View more

I was wanting to write a letter for my partner voicing my concerns, as he won't talk to me about it. I just wanted to post a draft here first so I could get peoples feedback, suggestions etc. *back story, he called me the other night saying he was over everything and he thinks it's depression* "I want to Start off saying how much I love you. You're my everything and I truly can't picture a life without you. I actually have no idea how to say this or how to start. We've talked about it before so I'm just going to jump in. You said yourself, that this was depression. I've done a lot of research of the last few days. Looking at websites, reading forums of people suffering depression and their partners and family etc. And most of the stories I read are similar to ours. You're not alone. I know you think its a waste of time and money to see a therapist or take medication, but please do some research, talk to a Dr just to learn more about it. We can go and talk to a Dr together I'd it makes it easier. I'm here for you. I'm here to listen and I'm here to support you. As much as you try to push me away, I'm not going anywhere. I want you to talk to me when something's wrong, instead of pushing it aside. I love you, I'm here for you. I can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do. I can just stand by you and support you. Please just think about it, do some research. If it can help you, what have you got to lose. I love you"

mayellie1 Concerned for my angry brother
  • replies: 2

Hi guys Just looking for some ideas for my brother. He has been battling depression for the past 3 years with various highs and lows. He's currently experiencing a pretty low point with a lot of dark thoughts and explosive anger issues. He seems to h... View more

Hi guys Just looking for some ideas for my brother. He has been battling depression for the past 3 years with various highs and lows. He's currently experiencing a pretty low point with a lot of dark thoughts and explosive anger issues. He seems to have lost respect for family members and friends and is quick to react in an aggressive way when in conversations (e.g. quick to raise his voice, swearing, hanging up phone calls, storming out, etc). He can also look to pick a fight with others, particularly after alcohol is involved. To his family, he is much kinder, calmer and easier to reason with when he hasn't been drinking. He almost becomes a different person when drinking. Looking for some advice to approach the idea of giving up alcohol for a certain amount of time.. Has anyone had success with this with aggressive people in your life? He spends a lot of time alone as he drives for a living so is left alone with his own thoughts for much of most days. Along with this, he has a poor diet and rarely does any physical exercise. I know there are heavy links to depression with poor diet and low physical activity but again, he seems unwilling to change of these elements to help himself. Basically just looking for advice or ideas from those dealing with someone similar on how to bring him out of the dark place he is in and open to ideas and the positives in life. I know it's not that simple but we have serious concerns for him and we are looking for anything that may be helpful. Thanks in advance

LucyMadeline My mum has depression, and is taking it out on me.
  • replies: 2

I am trying to hard to be understanding. My Mum has had depression her whole life and therefore all of my life, but three weeks ago her mum died and she is at a whole new level. Its not even like her depression is bad, shes been much worse than this ... View more

I am trying to hard to be understanding. My Mum has had depression her whole life and therefore all of my life, but three weeks ago her mum died and she is at a whole new level. Its not even like her depression is bad, shes been much worse than this before. She is just intentionally saying hurtful things to the whole family, especially me as i work from home so i am around much more. She is just really taking things out on me and saying things that are completely untrue and bullying. I am lost for what to do. It is making me really upset and honestly making me resent her. I just want to be away from her.

skinnydonuts Best friend has anxiety
  • replies: 1

She's told me that she has some issues with depression as well. I don't know what to do. I'm only recovering from some major problems with depression now, and it's taken me so long. I don't want her to have to go through that. I don't want her to go ... View more

She's told me that she has some issues with depression as well. I don't know what to do. I'm only recovering from some major problems with depression now, and it's taken me so long. I don't want her to have to go through that. I don't want her to go through all this crap with anxiety. I don't want that. But I know I can't take it away. I really just want to know what the best ways I can help are. I've already got the listening thing down, I mean, we talk about it a lot and I'm perfectly fine with listening to her and offering her advice. I don't know, I just want to be able to do more to help. But I feel like there probably isn't much more I can do. Also, she's said that she doesn't want to start taking certain medications because they can be addictive. Does anyone here know the best medication that isn't very addictive? Maybe I could recommend it to her? Or would that be rude to do?

lmh partner with depression pushing me away
  • replies: 2

Hey all, I've been with my partner over 5 years, he's amazing, sweet, kind, funny, loving...I could go on for hours. But every year or so he goes through a time where he pushes me away, and says I'm better off without him and I deserve better and he'... View more

Hey all, I've been with my partner over 5 years, he's amazing, sweet, kind, funny, loving...I could go on for hours. But every year or so he goes through a time where he pushes me away, and says I'm better off without him and I deserve better and he's not good enough. I know he has depression, and he's said he does, but he refuses to get help for it. He won't take medication and he thinks therapy is a waste of time and money. I think he just doesn't want to have to admit to himself that something is wrong and he needs help. Its been about a year since he last started talking like this again and pushing me away. We've been talking about saving for a house and engagement and last night he said out of no where that he doesn't want to move out because its too much money if we break up and what's the point. I'm hoping that this has just come about because it's a new phase in our lives and he's scared of the change. But I just don't know what I can say apart from I love him and I'm not going anywhere and give him the space he wants atm but still be there for him when he wants to talk. What should I say /do. Do I just wait or...?? Thanks

Bb23 My mum is depressed. Need advice
  • replies: 4

Thank you for reading this and helping. I am 21, and live in a house with my mum and older sister. In the past few years we've dealt with loss of family, divorce, financial issues, mental health and lots more. My mum is now working 6 days a week and ... View more

Thank you for reading this and helping. I am 21, and live in a house with my mum and older sister. In the past few years we've dealt with loss of family, divorce, financial issues, mental health and lots more. My mum is now working 6 days a week and we are just getting through financially. I work part time and go to uni full time. Along with that issue, she also struggles with body dysmorphic issues, past abuse history and my own depression. My sister keeps starting personal fights with my mum and telling her how badly mum is dealing with the situation, how the lack of money is horrible, and how stupidly sad she is being. All this makes things a lot worse. I try so hard to compensate and make mum happy by takings care of the housework, contacting her during the day, and always talking openly. But it doesn't seem enough and I am worried that she is going to break soon and completely melt down. i still have three more years of uni to go, then I will be able to fully financially support the family. But until then, I have no idea what to do. I'm at the point where I feel helpless and don't know how to help. Thank you you very much

penster Is my husband depressed?
  • replies: 3

Hi I believe my partner may be suffering from depression. The last 4 years he has been increasingly moody, uncommunicative and withdrawn. I never know what mood he will be in and I am often walking on eggshells. He believes I have turned the kids aga... View more

Hi I believe my partner may be suffering from depression. The last 4 years he has been increasingly moody, uncommunicative and withdrawn. I never know what mood he will be in and I am often walking on eggshells. He believes I have turned the kids against him. He is too tough on the kids I think he yells at them as an outlet. I know he hates his job and he has started many projects on the house which remain unfinished which are now weighing on him. He woke up in a terrible mood two days ago. He blamed our 12 year olds insolence for his mood and didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the day not joining for meals or family movie night. This is not an uncommon occurance I often wake wondering what mood he will be in and I am getting tired of it. The next day I took the kids out for the whole day to get away from the atmosphere and when I came home he was gone. No note no explaination just gone. I called no answer I finally got a response to a text saying he left as he didn't want to make us all uncomfortable. Would not say where he was staying his subsequent text contained things about our son disrespecting him and me encouraging it, me looking for greener pastures (none of which is true) I can feel the anger and resentment oozing from him. I was very offended by the text and texted back quite firmly that I believed he needed to see a counsellor that things cannot keep going the way they are and that we just wanted him to be happy and the kids and I loved him. I have spoken to him briefly today. He sounds so angry still. He has made an appointment time apparently for tomorrow for counselling which was fast. He said nothing has changed and there is nothing to talk about when I offered to get the kids looked after. This is clearly not true there is so much to discuss he keeps blaming his job the house the kids me for how he feels but I know it is deeper than that. How do I approach someone who has the attitude of "I am now going to go to counselling I don't want to talk about it" I can't pretend nothing is happening anymore. When he comes home tonight how should I approach him (if he comes home) Thank you for reading

Jabrjori dealing with my PARENTS who suffer from Depression Anxiety and Alcohol abuse
  • replies: 3

HI,I am 34 and I have only memories of my mum being grumpy, unhappy and always riding my butt. I put it down to me being a "kid" and "Teenager" when I was 13 my Dad had a nervous breakdown where he had 3 months off work, I really had no idea what thi... View more

HI,I am 34 and I have only memories of my mum being grumpy, unhappy and always riding my butt. I put it down to me being a "kid" and "Teenager" when I was 13 my Dad had a nervous breakdown where he had 3 months off work, I really had no idea what this was and what it was about, when I was 15 my mum started taking anti depressants and seeing a Psychiatrist. However, over the years nothing change, when I was around 22 my mum discovered wine and lots of it.. this was her out her happy place, she made herself think people would like her more while she was drinking, about 5 years later my Dad started to drink with her, Bourbon, this was more to drown out Mum's nagging, slurring, arguing, and negative talk. This carried on and on, my mum was increasing getting hurt ie. stitches, bruises from falling over and passing out. Her diet when to rubbish, no eating meals at all, just snacking on cheese and tin spagehetti.. Last year we (my 4 kids and husband) moved in with Mum and Dad while we were building, around Sept, I had had enough of watching my parents destroy there lives. I spoke to my GP who is also my parents, and he had alot of concerns more so for my mum and her state of mind. She wasnt seeing a Psychiatrist at this stage. He sent her straight of off to see a new one 2 weeks later mum was admitted into a private hopsital to change medications and detox. However, unfortunately mum was never treated for alcoholism, she was quizzed one night by a nurse as to why she wasnt doing these education sessions and she was horrifed. She came home and had decided that she would get rid of all the wine and only drink at the pub which they would do once or twice a week. Dad didnt know how to deal with a "sober" and very sad mum... she would cry as she thought her marriage was going to break down. My dad didnt stop drinking and within 4 months my mum is back to the same old drinking. My dad needs to have plastic surgery on his nose and has been told he needs to sober up before hand as his liver is shot or he wont be getting the surgery. He hasnt yet. My Mum has 2 brothers who a both very ill with cancer, and she is on the verge of being admitted again.My mum calls every night drunk to ask the same questions, she hardly remebers our conversations. My brothers don't answer her calls so to some of her friends. I feel bad and answer all the time. Some nights I cry others i am angry.. Anyone else in the same situation