Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 2

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Finding it very difficult knowing how to support my partner

replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for almost one year and have an amazing relationship. We love spending time together, get on extremely well, have never once had an argument which I think is pretty incredible and are so alike its not funny! We think the same way and have very similar feelings which is at times scary! We have chosen not to live together as yet as we each have 4 children of our own and are happy not co-habitating at this stage. Sadly though, he is suffering from depression. He separated from his wife of 24 years about 3 years ago. Since then she absolutely screwed him in the property settlement. In addition, and probably not dissimilar to a lot of fathers, he is paying a barely affordable amount per month in child support and school fees and has had no success in getting this reviewed. About once a month he gets into quite a depressed state. Normally it passes within 48 hours but this time we're on to the third day and tonight he refused to see me saying he wanted to be alone (but that he really loves me). When it is in the reverse and I feel upset, I want to be around him because he loves me and makes me happy, so I'm starting to get concerned by the way he is pushing me away and wants to be alone that perhaps his feelings for me aren't as deep as I initially thought. I really need some advice in how to handle this because to be honest, his actions at the moment are making me feel very unloved and very unwanted. I too am separated and know what I want and don't want in a relationship - and I certainly dont want to be in another relationship where I am not loved, wanted or appreciated. I should point out that this is not normally the case with us, but is when he gets down I feel all of the above and it just gets me down. He says I would be better off without him which I wonder is his way of wanting me to end it. I keep alternating from being very supportive of him to be really cross (inside) about being pushed away. He is a wonderful man and I have never taken him for granted so am trying to put a lot into our relationship. How do I handle this? At the moment I feel hurt and rejected and feel like saying "If you dont want me around go and find another girl that you do want around" but I know that given the circumstances its not about me its about his depression and I need help understanding how to support it as when he is not depressed our relationship is near perfect. He said he is going to his Dr about going on medication.

How do I help someone who won't help themself?

replies: 2

I've been with my partner for well over a year now and no matter what I suggest he won't seek help for his depression. It's been causing isomnia, anger issues which sometimes leads to violence, fatigue, he almost always feels worthlesss and talks about suicide.I've suggested he go see his GP and he won't because he automatically thinks that they're going to put him on meds which he's very much against. I've told him there's other options to help him but he won't listen. Not only is it destroying him but its killing me because I'm doing everything I can and he just gets aggressive and is never happy. It's impacting my recovery from the same illness (which I was diagnosed with years ago and am seeking several different treatments for) and I feel like I'm not strong enough to support him on my own.If anyone has or is having the same experience, I really could use some advice please, I just can't keep it upbeyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Need some guidance

replies: 4

Someone in my family has been struggling for the past few years, it all started with sleep problems starting at the age of 16 which lead to anxiety and now depression, she is now 21. She has tried to take her own life 2x within a year , The first time was from when she had enough of being feeling like she did and just wanted it to be over & the second time was due to a man she was "seeing" i use that term loosely he was not good for her at all and didnt help the situation, when he clarified that he wasnt interested anymore she repeated history and tried to take her life again, thankfully she called me before it was too late and I took her to the hospital. Within the last year she has developed a specific phobia which prevented her from going to social gatherings and doing self checks every hour on the hour.She refuses to acknowledge she needs help and the more i look into it the characteristics she displays are similar to BPD but she will fly of the rails if i try to suggest anything. Shes not interested in looking after her health or to try and help herself. I don't know how i can help, I have tried to be supportive and listen, she doesn't want a bar of it. The reason i am writing this post is because of something she said to me last night after rushing to her after she phoned me crying "It is selfish for you to want me to stay alive, if you knew how miserable I was you would not ask this of me" Every time something happens in her life that she didn't plan for or wasn't anticipating she goes 50 steps back and gets filled with rage and sadness and this vicious cycle reoccurs. any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated, I feel that im at a crossroad and i dont know which way to go. Thank you in advance beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

My partner has PTSD and Anxiety and I find it challenging at times!!!

replies: 6

I've completed a cert4 in mental health so I'm aware of some things but it's different when it's directed at you? How can I cope personally while supporting him and helping him get through his issues. I have been able to 'sort him out' by being direct about his 'lashing out' on me and telling him not to direct it on me when someone else is the reason for his 'explosion'. I see things clear but how do I reach him and help him to see clearly? Some medications he has been on made him worse but thankfully he no longer is on those type of drugs.....My patience gets thin at times and I want to walk away from the relationship.... I'm stuck between a rock and hard place? If I can understand this better maybe I will be able to help him more and be more patient.

Somatic psychotherapy

replies: 3

Hi I'm a mum with a 26 yr old daughter suffering from anxiety and depression. She is living back home with me and so I'm caring for her. She is going to a counsellor who is a somatic psychotherapist. My question is around counselling in general for anxiety and depression. Is it enough when she is severely depressed? She tried a psychologist for three sessions but when medication was discussed she stopped. She sits at home all day (doesn't work) tells me she needs to just sit with her feelings. These range from anger to sadness to anything in-between. I have tried to talk about taking a multi disciplinary approach that also helps her to re-enter the world. She doesn't go out has lost touch with all friends etc. won't agree to some kind of daily routine. Doesn't sleep. I have asked her to speak to her GP about medication. She prefers to take herbal treatments. I'm trying to accept that this counsellor is helping but what I see is her getting worse. any advise/experience with this type of counselling would be helpful mum

Not sure how to help my boyfriend

replies: 2

Hi, So my boyfriend and I have been dating for just little under a year now, but we have been friends for 3 years also. When I first met him, we lived on University residence and he was in a way, extroverted, he enjoyed talking to others and going to the gym, and because we are at uni we also spent a lot of time going out and having fun and going to the beach. However, this year he moved out with 2 of his friends and in the past year he has become very withdrawn, often he sits in his room for hours on end, will not go to class, and frequently sleeps, he only eats one meal a day, if that, and constantly watches movies and games. I understand that this is very typical of many male uni students, but the thing that really concerned me was when he told me this year, that he has failed all of his subjects since he started 2.5 years ago, and has hardly been to class in that time. He confided in me that he wanted to leave uni at the start of this year, and I supported him in looking for work, and he decided to apply for the army, but he was rejected due to medical reasons, which he plans to appeal. During his final semester at university, he dropped down to 2 subjects, didnt attend classes because he couldnt wake up for them, and did not attend one of his final exams because he couldn't be bothered, but lied to me and told me he went (i later found out when he slipped up in the lie). Since we have gone on uni holidays, he has spent almost every single day in bed, sleeping, or gaming, or watching tv. He has not applied for one job or written his appeal letter for the army and puts it off constantly, he has no motivation to do anything. I am a very focused individual, and I currently work 5 jobs, so my time to see him during this break has been limited, but every time I do want to see him he would rather sleep or game rather than spend quality time and it really frustrates me. I have tried to sit down and talk to him about writing a resume or his appeal letter, but he always laughs it off and says he will do it later, but never does. When i talk to him about what he wants to do for a career, he always tells me he is no good at anything, and he doesnt know what he wants to do, he just wants to be told what to do and he will do it. I feel like he shows some of the symptoms of depression, but he tells me he is not depressed. Does this mean he is not, and I am overreacting? I feel like theres something deeper than just laziness? I would love some advice!

I'm scared I'm hurting my boyfriend

replies: 2

Hi everyone, my name is Amber, I have been going out with my boyfriend james for about two years and two months now my boyfriend suffered a tragic event his dad left his mum for another woman and has gotten diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i don't know how to help him all I am doing is making it worse we fight all the time I try comforting him, I try talking to him and try spending time with any everytime I hurt him in some way I'm scared of losing him and to make matters worse another guy likes me and my boyfriend isn't acting himself anymore I miss him I don't know what to do someone tell me what I should do. thank you

I think my husband has depression

replies: 3

I will give you a brief history of my husband's and my journey so far. When my husband and I met we were friends for a little while before our relationship changed. I had already been diagnosed with depression and I was taking an antidepressant which kept me calm most of the time and able to handle most things that were thrown at me. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and he refused to do anything about it as he thought the doctors did not care. We both left our job at a similar time and came back to my home town where I helped him get treatment for his cancer.He came through the treatment with flying colours and is now cancer free. We became engaged about a year later and then married shortly after that. Just before we were married I stopped taking my antidepressant as we wanted to start a family straight away. I no longer have my awful thoughts which is great but my husband started becoming really mean about the same time as I stopped taking my medication. He would verbally abuse me often and he would accuse me of having affairs constantly. He also drinking up to five cartons of beer a week.I supported him as best I could but I asked if we could go to counselling to try and sort what the issues were out. He agreed for a couple of months and it helped a little bit but it has been a year since we stopped counselling and he is starting to self destruct again. I suggest that he should go again to counselling without me as I feel I am part of the problem as well and he says he will get over it. He does not want to get over what ever is his problem. He loves telling me that no one cares and that everyone is against him and no matter what I say I am not able to make him see that, that is not true.I am three months pregnant with our little IVF baby and I feel trying to look after myself as well as look after someone who doesn't want to look after themselves is somewhat draining. I will never leave my husband and after all that we have gone through I think I have proven that but he will not listen to me and as much as I do not want to admit it I am getting quite annoyed. I know I can not make him fix what his issues are he needs to do this himself which is what I did but he will not even try. He keeps saying he will get over it. But he isn't. What do I do please? I am at the absolute end of my tether. I only want to help him but he does not want to help himself.

Partner of 20 years has depression

replies: 9

hello , first of all my spelling is never great so please bear with me . I have spent the last 20 years of my life with the same woman we met at age 17. she has had depression for maybe 17 of our 20 years . We have 3 kids and we were doing ok till a few months ago when i found out she cheated on me with another guy . Even after all this i still love her I was so hurt and i guess i still am in many ways . i then spent the next few months talking to her and trying to find out why she did what she did . Over those few months she was seeing others in hotels and so on as well.I was so mad at her for this because i had spent the last 20 years of our lives devoted to her .I do not claim i was the ideal partner for all those years and never would . But 5 months have past since it all and we are now back together . she wants to marry me after all these years and says she knows i am the one she loves ....I still love this woman with all my heart and maybe always will i said yes i would marry her and our date is the 11th of this year . What i am still having trouble with is how she lied to me and how fast she ran to another mans arms when things got tough . I know she loves me in her own way but how do i know its real love and not just the fact she needs me to lift her up when times are hard. Or is it that she feels comfy with me after all the years and noticed i was not there for her in times of need . I am so confused i have written tons of emails to her telling her my own feelings with very little in return from her . she gives me the odd i love you and sends me short texts saying sweet things . But what i am looking for is something to show me she really does love me . Has anyone else gone through something like this ?.

hospital?

replies: 4

hi my son who is 16 has been missing school and has depression & anxiety. he is having quite a bad episode of depression for the last week and would like to know about when hospitalisation is needed for mental health and where to go.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 2

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Finding it very difficult knowing how to support my partner replies: 3

How do I help someone who won't help themself? replies: 2

Need some guidance replies: 4

My partner has PTSD and Anxiety and I find it challenging at times!!! replies: 6

Somatic psychotherapy replies: 3

Not sure how to help my boyfriend replies: 2

I'm scared I'm hurting my boyfriend replies: 2

I think my husband has depression replies: 3

Partner of 20 years has depression replies: 9

hospital? replies: 4