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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jen781 Has anyone had a partner successfully manage anxiety or depression?
  • replies: 5

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the ... View more

Hi, Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression. My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the both of them, with no one seeing that I need support also. I can not fullfil personal goals and dreams as my partner's anxiety and depression makes him incredibly selfish and self centred. I work full time from home and also have my toddler with me 24/7. I cook, clean, anything and everything you can think of to try and lessen the stress in his life- yet there is nothing but constant complaining about how hard his life is. He is really very hard to be around, life is no fun. I should mention that he has been in weekly therapy for 5 years. Do you think one day I will have a happy carefree husband who loves life and stops to smell the roses with me? Or will this be my life forever.

Losing_hope Confused by his psychologist's comments
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he strugg... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he struggles to speak in emotional situations and can't express what he thinks and feels. The panic and anxiety when we speak are very visible. He has a counsellor and a psychologist who he sees sporadically, and we have a couples psychologist. Our couples counseling has been helpful, but my partner says that his psychologist and counsellor have told him that I'm "verbally abusive", a "control freak", that "I don't love him" and he should walk away from our relationship. I don't believe a qualified psychologist who specialises in anxiety and depression and who's never met me would make these comments, but my partner swears black and blue he's telling the truth. His family isn't supportive of our relationship and I believe the comments have come from them- they have made comments in the past that "if I really loved him, I'd do...this....or that". He feels his family are very supportive and that I'm the problem. I really try to not bring his family into our discussions; so my question is, would a psychologist really make comments and give a patient direction like this?? I'm really trying to do this for our family, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you

myvroses Recovering, but having to support depressed friend as well
  • replies: 2

Dear friends, I suffered from depression for about 8 years, but last year I finally went and received professional help. I consider myself to be in recovery. Even though life is still difficult, I’m in a much better mindset and I’m more equipped to c... View more

Dear friends, I suffered from depression for about 8 years, but last year I finally went and received professional help. I consider myself to be in recovery. Even though life is still difficult, I’m in a much better mindset and I’m more equipped to cope when I am having problems. My best friend of 9 years has been depressed for much longer than I have, but has refused to seek professional help until recently after years of encouragement on my part. He has always been quite verbal about his depression and everyone around him, including myself, have tried to be as supportive and accommodating as possible. I had hoped that my recovery would somehow help him and give him hope that while difficult, things can get better. However, he maintains his pessimistic attitude and often just feels sorry for himself. It has reached a point where I am constantly emotionally exhausted. While I feel like I have come a long way to reach this point, I’m beginning to think he is holding me back as his constant reliance on me is taking a toll on my mental well-being. He knows that his behaviour is negatively affecting me and regularly apologises and feels bad about it. He wants to change, but thinks that it is impossible and will come up with every excuse. At times, I think he is emotionally manipulating me as he threatens self-harm or suicide. The most recent incident was a few weeks ago when I told him I was in a relationship. He was extremely upset and felt that I had betrayed him. It resulted in me taking him to the hospital. He is now on medication and gets regular, random visits from doctors and has begun therapy. I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him at this crucial point in his life as I think that will cause him to spiral, but I am also reaching my breaking point and don’t want to undo all the hard work it has taken me to recover. I need guidance. What can I do?

AnnieN Boyfriend with anxiety packed up and left
  • replies: 3

We have been together for almost 9 months, lived together for 7 months of that. I have never had a love like this. And he said he felt the same. He was always so affectionate, planning our lives together. We have had a few arguments and always found ... View more

We have been together for almost 9 months, lived together for 7 months of that. I have never had a love like this. And he said he felt the same. He was always so affectionate, planning our lives together. We have had a few arguments and always found a way through them. Last night we had an argument and he said he was going to leave. I broke down, he said he didnt know why he said it, he loved me. Then today I try to text him while he is at work and he didnt reply all day. Then I get a message saying he has packed all his things and left. That he can't be with me anymore. He loves me but isn't in love with me. I just don't understand how we can go from such an affectionate passionate love to packing up and leaving. He said he can't feel love, he doesn't love his brother or his mother. He told me to leave him alone. I love him so much I am so lost. I really don't know what to do. Could it be that he just needs some time, is it just the anxiety?

Buck27 Helping and supporting
  • replies: 3

Hi, My close girlfriend lost her partner last year to suicide. I am struggling to support her and feel like she is pushing me away and not dealing with it properly and i am worried about her. can anyone suggest any tips to help me deal with this.

Hi, My close girlfriend lost her partner last year to suicide. I am struggling to support her and feel like she is pushing me away and not dealing with it properly and i am worried about her. can anyone suggest any tips to help me deal with this.

pimmento My journey as a carer
  • replies: 2

Hello, I have had a time trying to log in and introduce myself. I was a carer for 3 years to family members and I found myself travelling interstate, giving up my job, spending all my savings, massing up credit card debt, using every little bit of en... View more

Hello, I have had a time trying to log in and introduce myself. I was a carer for 3 years to family members and I found myself travelling interstate, giving up my job, spending all my savings, massing up credit card debt, using every little bit of energy to save my child (aged in the late 30's then) still my child, flesh and blood etc. This of course changed the course of my life, I have to say that all is as good as it can be and I have learned many things and now volunteer for street outreach, and also visit the lonely and elderly disabled when I am able. I have chosen to embark on a continuous learning journey for life. I always say that we can experience extreme life and then we can use those experiences in our learning journey. Family, friends and others, they are not replaceable so we do what we do as carers. I have never thought of mental illness as different from 'illness' and that is one thing that I discovered about myself, I was able to work harder and be more understanding because I did understand but looking through my own eyes, fear of failure did not enter my mind, we got there with strength of love.

Sady My husband is depressed
  • replies: 4

I fear my husband has had depression for quite some time. Only lasts 2 years at a job then we have to move.Each time, I leave my job,everythib we know,All in hope that he hates it where we are, and I hope the fresh start will help him out. Hes seen d... View more

I fear my husband has had depression for quite some time. Only lasts 2 years at a job then we have to move.Each time, I leave my job,everythib we know,All in hope that he hates it where we are, and I hope the fresh start will help him out. Hes seen doctors, but unfortunately he doesn't devolve the full truth so I don't feel he gets the help he is needed. We left our last town because he hated it and kept talking of killing himself all the time. He said he never would,but still hurts hearing it. Especially when he'd say it around our 4yr old son.Which he never really interacts with. He's always tired,or just tells me to go.Never wanted to watch him with sport,do daycare dropoffs,put him to bed,nothing very often at all. So off we go for a fresh start,it has been hell. I am not working for the first time as kindy hours don't allow much.But we moved knowing that would b the case as I had to quit to move states. Now everything is ,I sit around all day, his money, I don't work so I'm expected to do everything.Most points i tend to agree, the house is always clean,son is well looked after,tea always cooked,but still feel it's not enough for him. I'm always im trouble for somthing.I realise with depression that he may not mean the things he says its just his frame of mind atm so I try real hard and not let it get to me. The abuse grows daily,including our son. I give him his space,let him go drinking,he basically has no rules except to try and include us in some of his outings please. He throws/kicks things,still wants nothing to do with our don, calls him names, doesn't do school drop offs, went to the park cause he begged him too, after 10min he got shitty and wanted to go home. Calls me names constantly. I keep telling him I love him im here for him but I think u need help, he'll admit depression and agree to help, few days later deny again.last night he told me that this isn't working and wants to break up with me. I'm devastated. After much talk he's agreed to go see a councillor but I can't help dwelling on the fact he said what he said. He's happy at work comes home and miserable so it must be my fault. I can't stop crying I'm so lost. I've always supported him, through his mistakes that have hurt me in the past he says he regrets (cheating/dvo), but now he wants to pull the pin. I'm hurt but angry, after all I've put up with now suddenly he gets to end things??? please only kind words I can't deal with any negativity today.many thanks.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Fambam Worried mother
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm new to this but have recently found out my daughter has been abusing ice in an attempt to escape her depression. My whole family has been involved and kept this from me, I feel hurt and betrayed by this. I don't know where to go from her or w... View more

Hi, I'm new to this but have recently found out my daughter has been abusing ice in an attempt to escape her depression. My whole family has been involved and kept this from me, I feel hurt and betrayed by this. I don't know where to go from her or what to do.

Ayo Angry and Confused- Depressed husband drinking and stealing money and not getting help
  • replies: 4

My husband became depressed 18 months ago. He had taken a voluntary redundancy from work. We did some building renovations, spent the money and when he tried to get back to work, he was unsuccessful in a few interviews and the depression set in. His ... View more

My husband became depressed 18 months ago. He had taken a voluntary redundancy from work. We did some building renovations, spent the money and when he tried to get back to work, he was unsuccessful in a few interviews and the depression set in. His confidence is so low now and the anxiety is so bad he believes he will never work again, Luckily I had just graduated as a teacher and was successful in securing employment. This means I have been able to pay mortgage and bills. We also have a young daughter. My husband had always been the bread winner, a great dad and looked after us well. Now he just stays at home, drinks at any available opportunity, morning, noon or night - does not follow up with counseling, seeing doctor, exercise. I cannot leave money or wallet around because he takes it and spends money on alcohol and cigarettes (he never really smoked in past). He is always finding my hiding spots and it really annoys me that he spends money that is for bills on booze. He does get his own money which all goes on alcohol and booze. He is on medication which may have helped a little as he is not suicidal. He had been admitted to mental health dept 3 times. He did try suicide but unable to go through with it.I try my best to understand the depression as an illness and I know he is not choosing it. It gets so frustrating though because he is not doing anything to help it. I am so busy with work and trying to keep it all together and often feel guilty that I should be doing more to help him. He did try a rehab and lasted a week.A couple of times I have kicked him out thinking this might push him to get help. He does have a place to stay close to his family, 8 hours away. However, I keep taking him back because I get so worried about him especially when I can't get in contact with him. His mum is very angry at him, his sister doesn't really talk to him (she has her own family and life) but his brother has been great support and would check in on him daily.He has been back with me for this last term, he does help out with our daughter, getting her to school and does some cooking. However, much of his time, he isolates in house, watches tv , drinks , smokes etc. I gave him an ultimatum a few week ago, saying that if he doesn't get help or start to change by Christmas that that is the end of our relationship. I don't want this -I love him and know he is a great person, but I can't keep going like this. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

lmh Letter to a loved one
  • replies: 2

I was wanting to write a letter for my partner voicing my concerns, as he won't talk to me about it. I just wanted to post a draft here first so I could get peoples feedback, suggestions etc. *back story, he called me the other night saying he was ov... View more

I was wanting to write a letter for my partner voicing my concerns, as he won't talk to me about it. I just wanted to post a draft here first so I could get peoples feedback, suggestions etc. *back story, he called me the other night saying he was over everything and he thinks it's depression* "I want to Start off saying how much I love you. You're my everything and I truly can't picture a life without you. I actually have no idea how to say this or how to start. We've talked about it before so I'm just going to jump in. You said yourself, that this was depression. I've done a lot of research of the last few days. Looking at websites, reading forums of people suffering depression and their partners and family etc. And most of the stories I read are similar to ours. You're not alone. I know you think its a waste of time and money to see a therapist or take medication, but please do some research, talk to a Dr just to learn more about it. We can go and talk to a Dr together I'd it makes it easier. I'm here for you. I'm here to listen and I'm here to support you. As much as you try to push me away, I'm not going anywhere. I want you to talk to me when something's wrong, instead of pushing it aside. I love you, I'm here for you. I can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do. I can just stand by you and support you. Please just think about it, do some research. If it can help you, what have you got to lose. I love you"