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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LouiseR My husband is severely depressed - advice?
  • replies: 3

Hi All,I'm new here, just reaching out to others in the hope I can gather some energy to keep on keeping on.My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, we have a 2 year old daughter.He has struggled with depression and anxiety since we have kn... View more

Hi All,I'm new here, just reaching out to others in the hope I can gather some energy to keep on keeping on.My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, we have a 2 year old daughter.He has struggled with depression and anxiety since we have known eachother. He has never really acknowledged it until recently and about a year ago we worked with his GP to get him on some medication. Which we thought at the time helped but looking back, it probably didn't help all that much. Things are spiralling for him and our relationship is suffering. He bounces from job to job as he takes a really extreme amount of sick days and when the employer starts to crack down on him he finds another job. So a year ago, he managed to find a job working from home Part Time. The idea was that he could take some pressure off himself, work on managing his illness and be a Part Time stay at home Dad, while I returned to work. It was going to be a financial strain, but we would make it work by cutting back day care costs, and I would work on my career and hopefully increase my earning capacity. It started off OK, but soon he began taking time off this job, and becoming unreliable with caring for our daughter. I had to increase her days at day care because I began taking time off work to care for her when he was in bed with "the flu" (taking no medication for it) It got to the point where my employer started questioning my commitment to my job and despite being extremely good at my job, have been passed over for a couple of promotions because my reliability is questioned due to the spike in carers leave over the last year. About 4 months ago, my husbands illness escalated. He had an episode while working and I came home to him almost catatonic on the floor of his office. We went to the GP and got a referral to a Psychologist, who has worked with his GP to double his medication. Since this happened his depression and anxiety has escalated to the point where he can barely leave the house. He is on unpaid leave from the work from home job as he can't function on that level anymore. The only interaction he has is with me, his GP and Psych and one friend who he gets really drunk with a couple times a month in our garage.I have taken on the role of breadwinner, caregiver and I do all the housework and shopping myself. I'm exhausted. I wonder whether he needs inpatient care to get on top of it? I don't feel like I have the energy to do any more than I am already.

Dean74 Poor support network
  • replies: 2

Hi guys Ive been battling depression for 20 years, seen experts, doing medication etc but the last year has been the worst its ever been, im on a path of self destruction with my career, alcohol intake and family. I have just come to realize that my ... View more

Hi guys Ive been battling depression for 20 years, seen experts, doing medication etc but the last year has been the worst its ever been, im on a path of self destruction with my career, alcohol intake and family. I have just come to realize that my partner and 2 grown kids really dont care and would prefer that i wasn't around. I sometimes try to talk to my wife about how im feeling thinking that i good hug might help me out but she stops me mid sentence with "i don't know how to help you" she then walks off. Im sure this is an obvious question for most but is a poor support network better than none at all? I know that right now im as close to the bottom as ive ever been but im worried that if i leave and try to start a new life that it may get worse for me. Some advice would be appreciated

salamander How to set boundaries after so long?
  • replies: 1

I've been a carer for a close friend that has had long term depression (at least 5 years or more). It has it's ups and downs and when I first started to care for them I was younger and more naive. I didn't set any boundaries when they had a very bad ... View more

I've been a carer for a close friend that has had long term depression (at least 5 years or more). It has it's ups and downs and when I first started to care for them I was younger and more naive. I didn't set any boundaries when they had a very bad episode some years ago, but we managed to work through it eventually. A few years went by and while they were still depressed it was manageable and it felt like they were coping with every day life, however over the last year it had been getting worse. Then just in the last few months it suddenly peaked and has started to in the last few weeks eat severely into my own health. I'd suffered depression a few years back for a short duration and saw a therapist and I managed to make what feels like a full recovery, but from that I also know how important it is for me to manage my own health so it doesn't happen again. However having been depressed I know how awful things feel and how it feels like nobody cares. I'm arranging for them to talk to a doctor and helping them through that process, but I also feel I need to set some proper boundaries especially since this time we live together. How can I approach them about setting boundaries that don't feel like I'm abandoning them after making myself so available for so many years? What kind of boundaries do people set?

Zeerose Depression- he wants to be alone and needs space
  • replies: 5

I need advice ... I have been seeing my partner for 4 months absolutely crazy in love for eachother never really had any problems , best friends we were. He went to prison for three months he didn't want to tell me disappeared on me but I kind of for... View more

I need advice ... I have been seeing my partner for 4 months absolutely crazy in love for eachother never really had any problems , best friends we were. He went to prison for three months he didn't want to tell me disappeared on me but I kind of forced it of him . He was then glad he told me as I stood by him .. The Last month he was in prison I didn't hear from him but I still wrote. He came out I saw him once and things were so beautiful for that moment yet he did seem reserved .. But that's understandable coming out he told me he still loved me missed me .. But couple hours later he started messaging me telling me he thinks he should be alone. He's not the same person anymore . It's not me . everything changed just like that. I'm trying to respect his wishes for space but it's so hard . Doesn't respond to my messages or calls just is cold and sends I need to be alone don't worry about me focus on you and your life . Makes me sad angry hurt and absolutely torn . After couple weeks of trying to get thru to him I went to his house . I didn't want to as he lives with his family and it's the first time . He wasn't there he went away to the beach ... I was upset he didn't tell me he went away but I mean he is a grown man to do as he pleases. The next week I went passed again as I was going crazy . I couldn't understand he wouldn't tell me anything I needed peace I needed closure. I saw him he told me he was broken. And was unhappy being out . He told me that he crumbles when he sees me ... It's so sad because I crumble without him... I told him how I felt and where I stood and that I care . He then told me we could be friends that didn't really last long. Messages stopped its been a week. I don't know what to do. I want to try and give him space but I don't want him to think I've given up or abandoned him. I have been messaging him constantly because I'm worried and want him to know I love and care for him. I don't want him to move on without me. What should or can I do ???

EFIE Partner with Depression
  • replies: 2

Hey there, I was looking for some advice or feedback to my situation. I'm currently in a relationship and we've been together for over a year now. When we started seeing eachother we couldnt get enough of eachother ( as you do in the honey moon perio... View more

Hey there, I was looking for some advice or feedback to my situation. I'm currently in a relationship and we've been together for over a year now. When we started seeing eachother we couldnt get enough of eachother ( as you do in the honey moon period). He told me about his past and that he had suffered depression before but he was feeling good again when we met. 4 months into our relationship, he faced alot of hardships that had brought him down again. Because he was feeling down again it has greatly effected our relationship and he'd always need his space when i respected and gave to him, but it was hard to feel distant to him. As the months have gone in its been ups and downs and going in and out of different mood stages, and i've stuck by him because he's my bestfriend and we've never really had a fight and he's really good to me besides when he's down. His depression has immensely effected our intimacy and sex life and it really hurts for me. He has a great lack of interest in any intamacy and i'm always being rejected and hardly recieve affection from him. He knows this hurts me but he says he doesnt know what to do if he doesn't feel like it or (not in the mood). He is the greatest boyfriend and knows his distance and lack of affection hurts me but I just hate feeling not desired and wanted from him and I dont know what to do. Neither of us want to not be together but i'm just really struggling with how things currently are. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?? Thanks.

shelleagle Need help
  • replies: 5

I have a nearly 16 yr old daughter who was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder 12 months ago. However, has suffered all her life, and after being told that she would 'grow out of it', finally got some answers. She is currently seei... View more

I have a nearly 16 yr old daughter who was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder 12 months ago. However, has suffered all her life, and after being told that she would 'grow out of it', finally got some answers. She is currently seeing a psychologist fortnightly and up until 2 months ago was coping well. She was back at school, playing sport, socialising with her friends and had a wonderful supportive boyfriend. For the past 2 months, she has gradually withdrawn back into herself, not wanting to go to school, panic attacks happening more often and eventually broke up with the boyfriend. This has now sent her into a complete downward spiral, telling me she just doesn't want to be here anymore and continual crying, non stop. Psychologist has told me to be strong with her and challenge her, but I am at a loss as to what to do. I get so frustrated as she is ostracising herself from her friends and support network, and we are all there to help her. It is totally destroying our family unit. we live in the country and therefore cant just 'pop' in to see the pysch. Are we doing enough? Should we be looking further? I have resisted medication, but consented to her being on one type of medication, which she managed to survive without until a couple of months ago. Any advice or support from anyone would be greatly appreciated.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

pavarotti son and husband with mental health issues
  • replies: 1

I have been married 35 years - rocky marriage which came to an end after 15 years and then we got back together for the next run - have 3 children - 2 born in the first run and 1 born later. 5 years ago my second son was diagnosed with anxiety - woul... View more

I have been married 35 years - rocky marriage which came to an end after 15 years and then we got back together for the next run - have 3 children - 2 born in the first run and 1 born later. 5 years ago my second son was diagnosed with anxiety - would get rid of everything from his room and live off a back pack, stayed all the time in his room and come down only for food, dropped out of university three years in a row and above all does not have a single friend. Ironically it was only then that I came to realise that my husband had similar issues but on a lesser scale. He hoards - will not throw away anything, hates meeting people. going to parties or entertaining at home, stops talking to me for long periods. This double realisation is draining my energy - I am trying my best to help my son who fortunately accepts his problem and realises he needs help. But unfortunately my husband has gone further into his shell, avoids all contact with me, (we have not had sex in 10 years), escapes into the backyard garden, keeps arranging and rearranging the garden, ran up a $40000 debt which had to be paid out of the mortgage, does not want to have anything to do with the raising of the kids or the paying of the bills (he pays the mortgage though - 'this is my contribution and don't ask for anything more') and has no friends of his own currently (a few from his younger days not in this country). Strangely, to the outside world he seems perfectly normal and presents himself as being the nicest guy in town to the immediate family (mine) and friends circle. I feel so isolated as no one will understand what it is to live with a man who will not look me in the eye, avoids me and shows positive hatred towards me. The last straw was when he recently accused me of being the cause of my son's anxiety. I have been running around from GP to counsellors to clinical psychologists to help the boy while my husband since the diagnosis has withdrawn further and does not want to know anything about his son's illness. A normally strong person I feel so defeated, angry and am so full of regrets and am constantly harbouring thoughts of leaving. Unfortunately I am not in a situation where I can fend for myself and the kids. i fantasise about a normal emotional and physical relationship with a normal person, someone whom I can depend on, someone with whom I can be friends. Living in this constant negativity is draining years off my life and I feel I am wasting away my years in this world.

Tallorder Pregnant, depressed husband with obsessive thoughts of past
  • replies: 1

Hello, I'm very new to this but I need some advice. I've read posts from other women in a similar situation but each is missing a key issue that I have. My husband had depression when he was younger but when we were first together he became much bett... View more

Hello, I'm very new to this but I need some advice. I've read posts from other women in a similar situation but each is missing a key issue that I have. My husband had depression when he was younger but when we were first together he became much better. Now 9 years on we are married and expecting our first bub, usually a time for joy! My husbands work levels have been crazy, much to his own fault in taking it on, recently he was working away for a month or two on his own. Whilst away, his depressive thoughts came back, worse than ever. He now obsesses over my past with other guys, it's not really that extensive but he obsessively questions me... Being so long ago I've forgotten most of it and then due to my inconsistent facts, he gets frustrated and obsesses even more. It has been non-stop now for 8 days, and when he's frustrated he doesn't talk or look at me. What on earth do I do? He is not medicated and really doesn't want to be, but now I'm low on energy and positivity. I'm worried how this is effecting bub too. I'm also not sure if this is just Depression now or something else? Thankyou in advance!

Racket How do you tell its depression or the relationship is just over?
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I'm in need of advice. Ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. The last 6 months has been especially tough. Hes amazing, caring, selfless and I absolutely adore him. When things are good it's amazing. But as with most relationship we have... View more

Hi all, I'm in need of advice. Ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. The last 6 months has been especially tough. Hes amazing, caring, selfless and I absolutely adore him. When things are good it's amazing. But as with most relationship we have issues. When we met he was really into the gym, ate well didn't really drink and now all of the opposite. He has very a very low opinion of himself no matter how much I tell him how great he actually is. We haven't had sex in 9 months, however he is still very affectionate and tells me he loves me often. More recently he's become very moody and angry. He's told me everything is hard and he's so unhappy and he feels depressed. The big problem is he's also decided he dosnt want children. He says life is hard enough and kids are a burden. I think it's the depression but can't be sure. I'm 33 and he's 37 so I can't sit around for another year waiting for him to get help. Its so hard, I'm a positive person and love life! But recently his darkness is having an effect on me. He knows this and can tell I'm unhappy. So why dosnt he seek help if he can see he's hurting who he loves? My head says leave the relationship is just over but my heart says stay and help him through this.

JohnnyN_ Help me to help my mother.
  • replies: 4

Hi,Recently I found out my mother was suffering from severe depression. I also recently just turned 20 and as a young adult I have absolutely no idea on how to help her and i feel totally useless. My friend recommended me this site and its the first ... View more

Hi,Recently I found out my mother was suffering from severe depression. I also recently just turned 20 and as a young adult I have absolutely no idea on how to help her and i feel totally useless. My friend recommended me this site and its the first time im using an online thread so please bear with me. My mother is the absolute pinnacle of my life, and the thought of even losing her drives me insane. She is a very strong woman who has been running her own business's since we moved to Australia (1997). Now, due to this she is always under a lot of stress from work and recently, i think its been starting to take a toll on her body. Shes been eating A LOT less, lost a lot of weight, never has a smile on her face, her personality almost feels dead and she always complains about feeling tired or too stressed to keep working. She also has been losing her temper here and there, but most of the time shes in her room drinking until she falls asleep. As a result of this, ive been trying my best to stop her from working too much but she doesnt seem to give up. She is a clear example of a workaholic, as she works every day from Monday- Sunday, with little to no breaks. As her son, i am extremely worried about her health and wellbeing (physically and mentally). The other week, I found her medication that her doctor has been making her take and I am completely against it. After doing some research, it scared the living hell out of me because it didnt look like it was going to help her. Maybe im just being paranoid. Im sorry for such a long text, but any advice would help. I feel like im being useless when i could be helping my mother recover. I dont want to lose her or let her feel any more emotional pain for another second. Seeing her like this drains the life out of me too and kills me inside. Any advice will help. Thank you.