Depressed myself, my boyfriend is also depressed and resisting help.

[HardQ]

Hi there,

I guess I'm looking for any advice about how to handle my current relationship. I have depression and an anxiety disorder which I am managing with a combination of low-dosage medication and a psychologist. I don't have a full handle on it yet - while I'm almost in control of it I feel like I'm balancing on a very fine knife-edge and I still have the occasional black night or day.

In the last 18months I've noticed a marked change in my partner's behaviour - we have been together 4 years and while he has always been happy to be alone he has become more isolated from his family, despite them being very close on the surface. On his worst days he has confided to me that he believes everyone would be better off without him, he wants to just disappear etc. - very typical stuff. He flat-out refuses to believe that I could ever have felt what he's feeling, I honestly think he thinks my depression was nothing compared to when he feels bad. He refuses to see a doctor, he hates psychologists after a previous bad experience (unrelated to depression) and is firmly of the 1900's male 'man up' mentality.

I desperately want to help him, but I feel that he's constantly holding his despair and panic in, then letting little bits of it escape as bursts of irrational emotion that leave me confused and exhausted, and it's beginning to affect my depression. I can't tell him this or he will immediately shut me out and withdraw, saying that he needs to look after me by keeping it all inside.

Any advice would be great as I don't know what to do to look after both of us.

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[Jacko777]

Hi HardQ,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am sorry to hear you have been struggling and I am glad you are talking about it. It is a HardQ, have you asked your psychologist how to address this? And is it possible that you could get your partner to go with you on a visit to your psych, even if it is for him to get some advice about being your supporter?.

Have you ever said anything to him when you suspect he is holding stuff in? (Rather than after an emotional outburst) It makes sense that you would feel exhausted trying to understand something that is irrational, perhaps it can't be understood, only that it is a reaction from an unwell mind. Keep fostering compassion for each other, believe you will get through this together.

Perhaps the best thing you could do for your partner is focus on your own recovery? Set the example, improve your own levels of happiness, look after your self first. He needs to find the strength to help him self. I hope you get some professional advice on your situation cause I think you will be able to improve and find more happiness. Talk any time.

Jack

[Sophie_M]

Hi HardQ, thanks for posting.

When we talk about depression, we inform each other about how to help and for that reason, reaching out can have so much power. It sounds like your boyfriend is really struggling with this step and that you are wanting him to connect with more support.

It sounds like you are engaged with some good professional supports for yourself, and still the relationship dynamics in relation to you both managing depression is taxing you. While of course you cannot force him to get help that you know may be helpful for him, continuing to listen and hear what help he would like, may be a helpful step for your relationship and show some answers.

It may also help you to maintain healthy boundaries for your own progress, and of course, speak to your psychologist about your concerns. You mentioned he sometimes has what sounds like vague suicide thoughts and we also wanted to make sure you have the number for your local mental health team in case you are ever unsure about his safety. They are available 24/7 for advice or concerns around possible suicide risk and options for support.

We hope that the online community here provides you with helpful support that also empowers you to continue moving forward. Take care and don't hesitate to contact our Support Service if you would like any information, referrals, or brief support to do with depression and anxiety. They can be reached 24/7 at 1300 224 636 or online via webchat daily from 3pm-midnight.

[geoff]

dear HardQ, hi and I hope that you are still checking your post and still reading other comments on this forum, as they will all be helpful in some way or another.

It's a very difficult job to help yourself with depression, but then try and help another person you are living with and in this case it's your partner, well you can't really, because your own recovery will be stalled, and you won't be able to focus on yourself and/or your partner.

When living with someone who also has depression and you have had it as well, or still suffer from it, then the other person always believes that their own depression is worse than yours, but by arguing about this proves nothing and only makes the situation worse.

Firstly you have to get the help you need first of all, because if depression is ruining your life, then you are more important than your husband/partner, it maybe hard to say this, but if you concentrate on them first this could only drive you deeper into depression.

What I would like you to do is click onto 'Resources' at the the top and order 'All the Printed Material' from BB, it's all free, and then perhaps it may offer some help for your partner, and may kick start him into getting some professional help.

Not sure whether or not you will reply but I hope so. Geoff.