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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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droth Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?
  • replies: 13

Hi, I am heartbroken because my boyfriend of a year broke up with me last week and the thing is I think his depression is coming back. He had always been a person who was fine with being alone and doing things by himself (only child) but the past yea... View more

Hi, I am heartbroken because my boyfriend of a year broke up with me last week and the thing is I think his depression is coming back. He had always been a person who was fine with being alone and doing things by himself (only child) but the past year we practically spend every day together and it had been fine. Recently he tried to break up with me but came back and now he's breaking up with me again. In retrospect a lot of things were red flags, such as he's living in a stressful enviornment, worried about school and the future (he stresses out about these things internally and he's a very reserved and headstrong person, saying that he needs to find strength within himself). He also said he had no libido but still loved me and just needed time to decompress. I know he won't have time with all these things going on and he doesn't have many close friends he can talk to. After reading the forum I have seen that a depressed person would likely think breaking up is the solution, but the adviceis to stay with them and help them through it. I'm going to talk to him later tonight perhaps for the last time and I wanted some advice as to how to approach this problem, thank you for reading.

CtrlAltDelete Too worried to leave
  • replies: 6

My fiancé and I have been together for a decade and for quite a few years now I have been very unhappy in the relationship. I have suffered from mild depression since high school and my partner was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ... View more

My fiancé and I have been together for a decade and for quite a few years now I have been very unhappy in the relationship. I have suffered from mild depression since high school and my partner was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago. It has been very difficult to try and support him through it as he doesn't want to take any medication or go to counselling. He hasn't worked in about 2 years and now I think he believes he will never get another job. I think he is angry at himself for letting good opportunities go and angry at me because I'm trying to make good opportunities for myself. A few years ago I made a big mistake and cheated on him. Understandably he has trust issues with me, but even after saying he forgives me and trusts me, he questions me every time I want to go out and do something like catching up with my family or hanging out with a friend. If I stumble over a word he just says "You're being sketchy" or "Why are you lying to me?" I always feel like it's an interrogation. So basically now I feel like I can't have any independence in the relationship so if someone wants to catch up with me I'm always making excuses as to why I can't hang out. I feel like I have to ask permission if I want to do something. I'm 30 years old now and I feel like I'm losing my life to him. I want to leave but I worry for him. I'm scared he will not be able to afford the bills and he will end up homeless or he will not be able to cope with every day things that need to be done. His family are not very supportive and only care about themselves. I guess I feel guilty because I know I have great support with my family and I'll be able to get back on my feet fairly quickly. I'm also scared because I think he'll try to convince me to stay and I won't be strong enough to say no. I guess I'm pretty selfish for wanting my own life, but I have supported him and have tried to help gain more confidence in himself as much as possible and nothing has changed. I'm also hoping that maybe if I leave it will kick him into gear to be able to help himself. I do really want him to be happy and have the life he wants and deserves. Has anyone else been through this type of thing? Any advice would be appreciated.

im_lost76 what can i do
  • replies: 2

my daughter ,18, has depression is on medication and sees a psychologist she is constantly sad we are in our 3rd school in 2 years and are just weeks away from finishing tafe, i try and encouraged her with homework but she does gets defensive and say... View more

my daughter ,18, has depression is on medication and sees a psychologist she is constantly sad we are in our 3rd school in 2 years and are just weeks away from finishing tafe, i try and encouraged her with homework but she does gets defensive and says she will do it whens shes ready i am scared to push too hard as she just withdrawals How do I talk to her about this

Kmh158 Pregnant and a depressed husband
  • replies: 3

My husband has had depressive episodes on and off for the past few years. He is good about going to the gp when he feels them coming on and has had counselling in the past which he says he learned a lot from. this time, he is more down then I've ever... View more

My husband has had depressive episodes on and off for the past few years. He is good about going to the gp when he feels them coming on and has had counselling in the past which he says he learned a lot from. this time, he is more down then I've ever seen him. We have been to the doctor and he has started new antidepressants. He has an appointment to see a counsellor next week, and has been doing everything the doctor suggested, such as daily exercise etc I know that I have to give the medication time to work, but it is really hard to watch him struggle so much. Added to that is the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant. I feel like for most couples, this is the time where the wife can put her feet up a bit and b supported by her husband, but obviously that can't happen in my situation. He is mad at me for confiding in my mum about his depression, but I feel that I need someone I can talk to about it. While I feel I am quite mentally strong, I still need to cry to someone at times. Am I wrong to be talking to my mum? Not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this as I know things should improve as the medication starts to work and he sees the counsellor, just need to know I'm not the only one who is in this situation and to know it will pass cheers

Ian1966 Feeling like I need to have an affair to cope
  • replies: 2

Hi. I need advice and can't talk to anyone about this. I was married once before. That wife had depression/mental health issues after we were married that lasted years. We stopped having sex for years (years!). But I stayed faithful during all that t... View more

Hi. I need advice and can't talk to anyone about this. I was married once before. That wife had depression/mental health issues after we were married that lasted years. We stopped having sex for years (years!). But I stayed faithful during all that time because of love and because of "in sickness and in health". She never got better. I fell out love from the strain. I left her (we didn't have any kids - of course). But I was always faithful to the end. I fell in love again with someone new. I got married again. Have some great kids. The new wife then got depression. I freaked out a bit, but we got through it. She got better, thank God. Now her depression has come back. But this time she is in denial about it and refuses to get help. I have tried to persuade her to get help, but she won't do it. I have been through this enough to see when someone needs help. She is distant and difficult. This has been going on for about 2 years now. We still occasionally have sex but she is just doing it to appease me. There is no desire on her side. Maybe she will get better by herself. But we are looking at years, if ever. I am so lonely. I am so lonely for intimate happy female company. I work so hard trying to keep the family going. I feel myself falling into the malaise with her. My patience and compassion for depressed spouses is very very low now. But I must stay well myself to get these children grown up. The kids see that there is something wrong with their mother, but I think they can cope as long as I keep the household running reasonably smoothly. Frankly, I want to have an affair. Or at lease see a see worker occasionally. I need some happiness to get me through this. Is that a mad idea? Is it understandable? Am I allowed to (carefully) do that? Do other people think about it? Which option is more acceptable?

Wallaby1 I'm worried for my children.
  • replies: 6

Hi. I need some guidance, I have 4 children, my wife has suffered depression and anxiety since I met her, she has medication to help her anxiety but refuses to take it anymore, she stopped whilst pregnant with our fourth child! She cheated on me thre... View more

Hi. I need some guidance, I have 4 children, my wife has suffered depression and anxiety since I met her, she has medication to help her anxiety but refuses to take it anymore, she stopped whilst pregnant with our fourth child! She cheated on me three weeks before he was conceived. Finally told me after having huge anxiety attacks when going for ultrasounds ect! Which was problematic also living 200 km from nearest centre. I forgave her for what she did, but she keeps lying to me, hiding things, I have no trust left, just doubt, I would leave in a heartbeat but I feel the children won't get fair treatment, yelled ect, I do most of the house work after getting home from work, and get abbused for not paying her or kids attention, always winging that the baby cried all day or kids take up every second of her time. I used to manage a property which was 24/7 and new I needed to be home more so am doing s adult apprenticeship! I am getting paid well and finances are ok when she chips in with Centrelink! Says car parts are my responsibility to pay but it's our car and the kids need it for school ect! To make matters worse our oldest is not biologically mine but I am on her BC. She is now talking to her ex about him seeing her, I have no troubles letting her know her real dad, everything is being done behind my back! I will always be there for my kids, but battling her anxiety is a large struggle every day. And getting worse to the point I'm scared to enter the room because she want to fight in front of the kids and bad mouths me to them. I need help.

ArrowsFromThePast I'm extremely confused. Please Help.
  • replies: 3

My ex and I were dating for two months. It was great. One night she was telling me how fast she was falling for me and how happy I make her. Then literally the next day she broke up with me. I never got a real reason why. Other than things were movin... View more

My ex and I were dating for two months. It was great. One night she was telling me how fast she was falling for me and how happy I make her. Then literally the next day she broke up with me. I never got a real reason why. Other than things were moving too fast and she suddenly was saying she couldn't take care of a relationship when she had mental issues that needed to be address. I didn't think that explained the overnight 360. Im still so confused. As time goes on I send her a message via text and pour my heart out to her. She tells me shes out of town but Monday will contact me. We had a mini convo. Monday comes. No contact. Thursday I asked her if she wants to go to an event with me. No reply. The next Wednesday she messages me in the morning. Telling me she doesn't hate me and isn't ignoring me. She tells me cares about me. Misses me. Is happier when I'm around. And that she wants to see me. But when I tried to see her she told me that she couldn't. That her anxiety is messing her up and her mental health is really suffering and that going out in public was hard. So, I offered to come to her place and she said she couldn't right now. I'm really confused as to what this is. She's telling me she misses me, wants to see me and is happier when Im around - but wont see me. Is this normal? I can't figure out if it's legit issues for her or an excuse.

itsmii My GF has depression, now she says she doesn't love me
  • replies: 11

Hi, So my gf and I have been together for a bit over a year and everything was going so great. She told me from the start she had depression but that didn't change how I felt about her at all. Right now things aren't looking too good, she is stressed... View more

Hi, So my gf and I have been together for a bit over a year and everything was going so great. She told me from the start she had depression but that didn't change how I felt about her at all. Right now things aren't looking too good, she is stressed out over exams and bad grades which has put her back into a bout of depression. I've also been a little jealous when she hangs out with other guys but I've been trying extremely hard to get over it. Within the last month we have talked about moving in together, she has mentioned the idea of marriage, and also that if she were to ever have children she would want them to be with me. She tells me I'm perfect and that there's nobody else in the world for her. Now she says she doesn't love me. She doesn't enjoy spending time with me, she has no sexual attraction towards me, and is quite cold towards me. She still enjoys hanging out with her other friends, and also baking etc which really hurts to know that the time where she is the unhappiest is with me. I don't know how her feelings can suddenly change like that, I love her more than anything and have supported her through everything. She wants space, we're giving each other a week without seeing/speaking to each other to see if that helps. Also I should mention that she has never really had a high libido as she has very low body fat percentage which messes around with her hormones, so I'm just hoping that it's a combination of this and her stress + depression that is making her like this. She has emailed her psychologist asking what she thinks, but I'm scared it's all going to end...I thought we were meant to be together, we already planned our futures and now this happens. Any advice, similar stories or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated

doyoulikemyhat_ Finding it hard to weather this downward cycle (again)
  • replies: 4

Hi We've had a rubbish few days and I kind of buckled under the stress this morning at work (not a good look!). I'm nearly 'done'. My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs, two children, 8 and 4. He's from the UK from a rather close knit commun... View more

Hi We've had a rubbish few days and I kind of buckled under the stress this morning at work (not a good look!). I'm nearly 'done'. My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs, two children, 8 and 4. He's from the UK from a rather close knit community of friends/family. He's always been the smiley, friendly one who battled cycles of darkness every now and then but refused to accept he was depressed. He's disorganized, can never find anything (keys, wallet, phone etc), is terribly messy and just chaotic. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with a life changing illness which has resulted in him not working for this past year. He's been 'officially' diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is on antidepressants which have been tweaked over the past year to double the dosage. When they're not working (or he decides he doesn't really need them) he's argumentative, picky, negative, anxious, lazy, short tempered and just seems to get tunnel vision. Our marriage has suffered greatly, which he puts down to me not loving him the way that I should and putting the children first. We've been to marriage counseling but its not really helped, nothing has really changed. He has asked for a divorce numerous times but neither of us want to leave the kids. He's in counseling himself and is at the gym once or twice per day for both physical and mental wellbeing. I'm back working part time. He's tried mindfulness at times. His frame of mind is really effecting our eldest who tends to push him further away when he gets like this and this in turn makes him feel worse. I have trouble offering any kind of warmth as I'm just so damn angry about it all (I know, he can't help it). I just don't know what to do anymore. This past weekend we were going for a bike ride and his anxiety about getting there caused such a big fuss prior to leaving I wanted to scream. This morning my eldest got very upset because they were rushed so much by their dad to get ready for school and all because he's not organized at all. I guess I feel like I'm always carrying the family then I get told that I'm hard and uncaring and only focus on the children. I strongly feel that a move back overseas to be by his family is the way to go (though its not all that easy for me) as he feels so unsupported here but he will not make a decision. He's scared of making the wrong decision all of the time/going home because he's 'failed'. Any practical advice on managing this? - help!

Confused43 Pushing me away
  • replies: 3

My partner suffers from depression. Generally it seems to be managed well but there seems to be a pattern of approx every few months I see him go down. This is where I get shut out, he just stops talking, no communication at all, doesn't want to see ... View more

My partner suffers from depression. Generally it seems to be managed well but there seems to be a pattern of approx every few months I see him go down. This is where I get shut out, he just stops talking, no communication at all, doesn't want to see me, tells me he needs his own time and time to miss me and that I need to understand and to not take it personal. I find each time I get shut out like I'm part of a game play and I just have to come running when he's ready and over it. It breaks my heart. I've spoken to friends about depression, he has given me stuff to read...he seems to function fine with everything else, he goes to work, has cotact with mates, even goes to footy training and socialised for several hours, no one else would know there is anything wrong....but I don't get anything, no respect, not the time of day, is this a cop out or can it just be the closest ones that suffer the most?