Too worried to leave

CtrlAltDelete · ‎29-05-2015

My fiancé and I have been together for a decade and for quite a few years now I have been very unhappy in the relationship. I have suffered from mild depression since high school and my partner was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago.

It has been very difficult to try and support him through it as he doesn't want to take any medication or go to counselling. He hasn't worked in about 2 years and now I think he believes he will never get another job. I think he is angry at himself for letting good opportunities go and angry at me because I'm trying to make good opportunities for myself.

A few years ago I made a big mistake and cheated on him. Understandably he has trust issues with me, but even after saying he forgives me and trusts me, he questions me every time I want to go out and do something like catching up with my family or hanging out with a friend. If I stumble over a word he just says "You're being sketchy" or "Why are you lying to me?" I always feel like it's an interrogation. So basically now I feel like I can't have any independence in the relationship so if someone wants to catch up with me I'm always making excuses as to why I can't hang out. I feel like I have to ask permission if I want to do something.

I'm 30 years old now and I feel like I'm losing my life to him. I want to leave but I worry for him. I'm scared he will not be able to afford the bills and he will end up homeless or he will not be able to cope with every day things that need to be done. His family are not very supportive and only care about themselves.

I guess I feel guilty because I know I have great support with my family and I'll be able to get back on my feet fairly quickly.

I'm also scared because I think he'll try to convince me to stay and I won't be strong enough to say no.

I guess I'm pretty selfish for wanting my own life, but I have supported him and have tried to help gain more confidence in himself as much as possible and nothing has changed. I'm also hoping that maybe if I leave it will kick him into gear to be able to help himself. I do really want him to be happy and have the life he wants and deserves.

Has anyone else been through this type of thing?

Any advice would be appreciated.

white knight · ‎29-05-2015

Hi K.W welcome here

I suppose you are paying a price for your fling. That's never going to fix itself IMO.

He will cope ok. People do kick into gear as you say, after they are left alone. If you leave then his life is his only and of no concern of yours.

Being scared that you wont be strong enough to leave is normal. But we adults have to face our partners and tell them face to face what we are about to do....and why. That leads to clarity for them and will lower the blow leading to less psychiatric issues. You owe him that.

His insecurity is not his fault. Counselling is one avenue you can try.

Tony WK

sooshi · ‎29-05-2015

Hi K.W,

Your concerns are reasonable and completely normal, however you stated you do want to leave him and your reasons for not doing so are based around your partners wellbeing.. This will not help him it will if anything hinder his process because you are not staying with him for your benefit anymore.

I have found that staying with someone to make them happy is not worthwhile or fair, your cannot control another individuals happiness - You can control your own.

Kind Regards

CtrlAltDelete · ‎29-05-2015

Yes I am paying the price for my "fling" if it could be called that. But it has been three years and he's still bringing it up every time we fight. He constantly asks what happened and I have explained it but he doesn't believe me. I know it was the wrong thing to do and I will always regret it. Will I have to pay for it for the rest of my life?

It was one time (I didn't sleep with the guy either). It wasn't a relationship.

I know I can't control how he feels and I know deep down I'm not responsible for his life, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have always been the easy going girl, but my confidence has always been quite low. It's only in the last 6 months that I have really started to gain a sense of who I am and what I want in life. I have never really spoken up before and now I have started to voice my opinions, he thinks someone else is telling me what to do. He doesn't believe these are my own thoughts and feelings. This is what is frustrating me the most.

white knight · ‎29-05-2015

Hi K.W

I dont know about others here but "I made a big mistake and cheated on him" I immediately believed that to mean a sexual relationship or in the least a relationship that was heading that way.

"Do I have to pay for it for the rest of my life"? Well, yes you do where it comes to him....if that is how he feels about mistrust. You can explain it away however you feel but people have their own feelings and beliefs and they arent based on your beliefs. If he feels he cannot trust you then that is his way. His "way" is not based on your way. The problem with affairs, flings, (means all the same to me) is that trust is broken and the perpetrator (in this case yourself) has expectations of the victim (him) that he will get over it in a certain amount of time that YOU dictate as being long enough. This is why affairs are not a good idea.

Having said all of the above you have a choice. Stay and commit yourself to him in the hope he begins to trust you again or leave and allow him space to recover and get another life. If you leave he will I'm sure- survive. If you stay he might never completely trust you. That's his choice but not his fault.

Tony WK

Ian1966 · ‎15-06-2015

Hi K.W.

I don't have any answers but I can relate to what you are going through.

I think that other poster was too judgmental of you.

I am quite certain that you are a good person. Good luck with everything.

Cheers,

Ian

doyoulikemyhat_ · ‎16-06-2015

K.W said:
I have always been the easy going girl, but my confidence has always been quite low. It's only in the last 6 months that I have really started to gain a sense of who I am and what I want in life. I have never really spoken up before and now I have started to voice my opinions, he thinks someone else is telling me what to do. He doesn't believe these are my own thoughts and feelings. This is what is frustrating me the most.

Hi KW

I could have written that myself so know exactly what you mean.

It sounds as though you've just matured and grown as a person and perhaps you've changed and he has not. Nobody's fault, its just the way it is.

I know its hard not to take responsibility for him given the amount of time you've been together but I do feel that regardless of what he's going through, you perhaps would have been headed along this path anyway (if that makes sense).

I believe you do want to leave him and you should begin making that separation and prepare him for it as much as you can.

Good luck.