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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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essenceofmylove signs of anxiety / depression young children pls help
  • replies: 3

This is the first time I have ever joined a forum of any type. I have been concerned for a month or two about my youngest daughter. She is only 5.5 yrs old. She is very hard on herself and makes horrible comments like "I am a rubbish bird" or "I dont... View more

This is the first time I have ever joined a forum of any type. I have been concerned for a month or two about my youngest daughter. She is only 5.5 yrs old. She is very hard on herself and makes horrible comments like "I am a rubbish bird" or "I dont deserve my teddies" she even has said she does not deserve her family and says she is a vsry naughty little girl. No she does not here that from me. I think these are not overly normal comments for a child to make. She does it after she has done something wrong like hit her big sister, its always at bedtime and I feel this is when she gets overwhelmed the most. We have a lovely bedtime routine that has been cosistant her whole life, there has been no changes in her life (well her father started FIFO work over 12 months ago) but she knows her parents are very much in love. My question is for parents of young teenage girls, were there any early signs that you wished you had of spoted? How does what I mentioned compare to your girls. I hope I am reading too much into this. Do you think I should ask someone professional? I appreciate your advice.

Lost_for_words Grasping for straws
  • replies: 3

i think my boyfriend of two years has depression. i think he may also have a problem with alcohol. I've tried to have reasonable discussions with him about this, but he doesn't want to discuss it and gets defensive. he refuses to talk about the likly... View more

i think my boyfriend of two years has depression. i think he may also have a problem with alcohol. I've tried to have reasonable discussions with him about this, but he doesn't want to discuss it and gets defensive. he refuses to talk about the liklyhood of him having depression. he has agreed that he has a problem with alcohol. he refuses to see someone about these issues. when i try to encourage him and support him and say we should do it together (as not to make him feel like he has a problem or like i'm attacking him) he acts like he hasn't got a problem and refuses. He takes on average a day or two off a month from work when he has a hangover from an all nighter (out drinking and on drugs all night). He wont open up about his problems to anybody and won't discuss his feelings with anybody. We have signed contracts and are about to buy a house but i am in constant fear of him losing his job and then us defaulting and having to pay $40,000.00 for backing out of the sale. We have been living together for a year. We are intimate maybe once a month or less. I don't think i can cope with this anymore as I also suffer bouts of depression and this is effecting me a lot as well. I am still in love with him and i don't want to leave him but its getting too unhealthy for the both of us. I know that nothing will change unless he is willing to seek help for himself, but i don't know if he will ever be willing to get help. I've told him that i'm not sure i can deal with it anymore and his response is to tell me where the door is because he wont change for anybody but he also knows that i deserve better and wont hold me back if i want to leave. I can't leave him because i love him. Does anybody have any advice for me? i know i'm not the only one that is in this situation, and surely people that have been in this situation or similar have overcome it.... please help

Pixie15 Am I overreacting?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I have a partner who has been on ad's for a few years and more recently on painkillers because of an accident. In recent times I have been trying to find some ground for rebuilding our relationship. I am trying to understand his struggle with dep... View more

Hi, I have a partner who has been on ad's for a few years and more recently on painkillers because of an accident. In recent times I have been trying to find some ground for rebuilding our relationship. I am trying to understand his struggle with depression. I am trying to believe that he may be trusted. A couple of days ago I suffered a back strain that was initially very debilitating. I was not mobile. It is difficult to get a doctors appointment where I live. I relied on my partners support. His help with my taking a regular medication ended up with a incorrect dose. I only found this out when I was tidying up today. This had the effect of worsening my ability to cope physically. He went to the chemist for me and I (perhaps stupidly) accepted his advice that the chemist said it was okay for me to take some of his pain medicine. Now that I am feeling better and thinking things through for myself I am really worried that the various medications he is on is affecting his cognitive abilities. I would expect someone to take extreme care when dispensing medication and the chemists recommendation seem really unlikely. Especially as the particular medication is highly addictive. I do not know if my own anxiousness is making me overreact. Any helpful thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks, Pixie.

Mother_and_Son Help for the helpless!
  • replies: 3

How do I help someone who doesn't want help? My son says he doesn't want to be here anymore and there is no point staying alive.How do I deal with this day in day out? Anyone gone through a similar thing...got any answers? I'm desperate as I think ti... View more

How do I help someone who doesn't want help? My son says he doesn't want to be here anymore and there is no point staying alive.How do I deal with this day in day out? Anyone gone through a similar thing...got any answers? I'm desperate as I think time is running out. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Jdog my depressed husband won't get help
  • replies: 12

I have described my husband as my beautiful husband for the last 28years. For the last 2 years at least he has turned into a dark stranger after a number of traumatic life events, car accident, injury, surgeries on the injuries, father passed away an... View more

I have described my husband as my beautiful husband for the last 28years. For the last 2 years at least he has turned into a dark stranger after a number of traumatic life events, car accident, injury, surgeries on the injuries, father passed away and lost job security. His response has been hostility and non communication, but when he does communicate its usually to blame me for his unhappiness. He saw a councillor early on, this turned his sadness into anger and he didn't attend any more sessions to resolve this anger so it has festered into complete hostility toward me, the councillor advised him to move out of home without inviting me in to provide a different perspective. I have gathered all of my resources to try and support him and continued to be loving and gentle but this also seems to feed his anger. I am so desperate he is ruining our beautiful marriage and family without any attempt at problem solving and he is becoming deeper into his depression. Any thoughts?

Lizzy42 I don't want to leave but I think his illness is contagious
  • replies: 2

I have been with my partner for nearly 15 years and about 8-10 years ago he was diagnosed with anxiety & depression. In terms of treatment for his illness, he was initially prescribed medication, which he only took in bursts. He was referred to a cou... View more

I have been with my partner for nearly 15 years and about 8-10 years ago he was diagnosed with anxiety & depression. In terms of treatment for his illness, he was initially prescribed medication, which he only took in bursts. He was referred to a councellor but only went to a couple of sessions. He has said he didn't trust them, thought they were only superficially supportive. He's taken long periods off his medication, in particular when his GP was overseas doing aid work. Around 1.5 years ago his GP came back and that was positive. He went back on medication, and the GP prescribed himmultiple repeats, as he says, because she knows how hard it is for him to get to the GP - lack of motivation. I honestly don't know what difference the meds make. I try to make sure he takes them regularly, just to see if they're the right ones for him, but I can never be sure that he isn't skipping them. Sometimes he self-medicates with large quantities of acohol. I only ever find this out when I spy an empty vodka bottle hiddne in a shelf, or a cupboard or the shed. When I find it I find it hard to contain my anger and sadness and when I confront him he retreats, or beocmes sad. Then I spend the next few hours trying to make him cheer up or to understand where I am coming from. That I find it hard to trust that he is trying to look after himself. He studies very part-time and has been trying to complete his course over 10 years. The assignments cause him anxiety which often leads to depressive episodes. His depressive episodes are characterised by a combination of: irrational behaviour or inflammatory remarks; slightly skewed eyes; slightly slurred speech; quickly changing moods and short temper; escaping (driving off and not returning for hours - like right now); or passing out into a deep but very unrestful sleeping "fit". Sometimes it's all of these at once, sometimes he accuses me and dogs me with arguments that come from nowhere and are barely relevant but are so inflammatory I find it hard not to react. He works casually - between 0 and 20 hours a week - in a customer service role that he is very good at, very engaging and generous with customers. When he gets home from work though he tends to cmplain about some thing or another that happened. I work in the same place, as well as a part-time day job, and I tend to let him rant. I could go on and on, and really I don't know what I am looking for here, but I feel helpless and I think I am catching his anxiety.

Ddeks Recently retired dad is feeling very low
  • replies: 1

My Dad has just retired from work. He is 60 year of age. He is always low and doesnt want to do anything interesting or travel anywhere. He is most likely depressed. We are from India. He wouldnt visit a doctor about this. How can we help him without... View more

My Dad has just retired from work. He is 60 year of age. He is always low and doesnt want to do anything interesting or travel anywhere. He is most likely depressed. We are from India. He wouldnt visit a doctor about this. How can we help him without him visiting a doctor? Thanks

StressedOutSis Advice for helping sister
  • replies: 5

My sister is 17 years old and suffers from anxiety.The main triggers of her anxiety are:- Social situations: Has a good time with friends who care about her, but will later think into every detail and feel like she is/was awkward. Doesn't have the co... View more

My sister is 17 years old and suffers from anxiety.The main triggers of her anxiety are:- Social situations: Has a good time with friends who care about her, but will later think into every detail and feel like she is/was awkward. Doesn't have the confidence to initiate doing things with her friends - which leads her to pushing away people. If her friends can't do something on a certain day, she takes it personally. If her friends have other friends, she will take it personally and stop making effort. She has always been looking for that one, special, best friend but of course - as we all know - not everyone has that friend and sometimes it's better to have a whole bunch of good friends! When she is close with someone, she picks out "annoying" traits and focuses on them, rather than the good ones.- School: She is in Year 11 this year and does very well. However, she hates the pressure of study/homework/exams etc. She is doing a year 12 subject and ranked very highly in it, but she considers this to be purely be because it's a bludge subject (it's not). She tells us she just hates school, which I'm sure is very common in teenagers in her frame of mind. - Food: she went through a period of time in which she was extremely focused on eating healthy. She would only eat small portions and this caused her to lose a lot of weight. LUCKILY she has made an effort to eat larger portions and has gained back weight. She is still thin compared to others her age but not unhealthy - and food isn't always a stressor anymore - YAY!Anyway, I would like some advice with how to deal with the situation. She has been anxious like this for a long time, but it has only been in recent years that she has taken it out on the family with anger and hate. My mum does everything for her - kindly helping her, supporting her, taking her to a psychologist, ensuring we have healthy food around etc. However, my mum is the one that gets the most anger when something goes wrong. As much as we explain that we love her, it is turned around on us. After she has been angry, a nice gesture is perceived as "why are you being nice, I'm a bad person". I offer to help her invite her friends to do things, but she doesn't let me help her. Although she opened up to the psychologist (definitely seemed to help) she would tell us it was crap.

LostWifeWA Feeling lost re depressed husband
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I don't know what to do to help my husband. I have a feeling that a GP appt is in order but just wondering if anyone has any words of advice in the meantime. We've gone through a lot over the past few years... His family has fallen apart... View more

Hi everyone, I don't know what to do to help my husband. I have a feeling that a GP appt is in order but just wondering if anyone has any words of advice in the meantime. We've gone through a lot over the past few years... His family has fallen apart, he's engaged in reckless behaviour and has copped the consequences, he's under pressure at work, and our child died. We've been to a psychologist and also a counsellor but neither really helped much. They were nice to talk to but didn't offer any tangible help or ideas. He's tried two types of medication - the first resulted in him being tired and sleeping all the time, but the second seemed to help but he stopped taking them because he felt better. Our relationship seems a bit lost. We still love each other, but we've been closed off to each other for a while now. I feel like if I bring up any of the big issues, it upsets him, so I don't. Well, until last night! I hate what we've become and want my husband back so I bit the bullet and tried to get him to open up. It's going to be a long road but I hope we get there. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he hasn't felt happy in years, and that "I don't know, maybe it is depression". Do I just take over and drag him to the doctor? I don't want to be a controlling wife but I also want my husband back. We agree that we have the basis and memories of a wonderful relationship, we just need to reconnect. I feel bad because I do acknowledge that I get frustrated with him because I feel like I'm the only one addressing the problem and that I'm making most of the effort to fix things. I don't mean that I'm keeping score, I just mean that I'm worried I want to reconnect more than he does and that I'm railroading him into it. Could this be a depression related thing? His lack of effort is because he's depressed? Thanks for reading, Lost Wife

Frangipani2 Not sure if I can keep caring - I'm tired of being the rock.
  • replies: 9

My husband suffers from depression and is a functioning alcoholic. We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years. He apparently is amazing at work but I am stuck with this guy who is always tired, asleep, drunk, snappy. He has slept in the... View more

My husband suffers from depression and is a functioning alcoholic. We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years. He apparently is amazing at work but I am stuck with this guy who is always tired, asleep, drunk, snappy. He has slept in the spare bedroom now for 5 years because he doesn't sleep well and snores. He makes no effort for our little family but would argue he does. And no effort to maintain any sexual or affection towards me. Our 9 year son is now aware and if he tries telling his father he needs help. I am the one that gets into trouble. I work, study and a carer for our son who has special needs. All the while he just sits and drinks every night. I have been calm, supportive, loving and a good wife. I would give anything to have the guy I fell in love with in some form back. It makes me sad when I read the forums in the mens groups. They all hate their exwives but I don't know, if people with depression realise we do everything and give so much. It's like living a lonely life on eggshells. I am the one who keeps the family calm, happy, cook, cleans, shops and takes care of everything etc and have no time to look after and care for myself. "He's tried everything" is all I keep hearing from him. He just won't go and get help, I have taken him to the Drs initially. Made phone calls to help groups but always promises but nothing. I feel like he just doesn't care enough about us. And I am just at the stage now. Why should I keep caring too. I've read all the books to help him and be a good support. I have been to AA family groups and supportive depression family support groups but I can't help him. I went to therapy myself for 2 years because I really thought I wasn't doing enough for him and I thought his depression was my fault. Friends and family know about his depression and drinking but no one offers support. If they do they say "I should just leave" I just wish there was someone who would give me the same love and care back. I feel burnt out but still care about my husband if that makes any sense. Frangipani