Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Need help

replies: 5

I have a nearly 16 yr old daughter who was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder 12 months ago. However, has suffered all her life, and after being told that she would 'grow out of it', finally got some answers. She is currently seeing a psychologist fortnightly and up until 2 months ago was coping well. She was back at school, playing sport, socialising with her friends and had a wonderful supportive boyfriend. For the past 2 months, she has gradually withdrawn back into herself, not wanting to go to school, panic attacks happening more often and eventually broke up with the boyfriend. This has now sent her into a complete downward spiral, telling me she just doesn't want to be here anymore and continual crying, non stop. Psychologist has told me to be strong with her and challenge her, but I am at a loss as to what to do. I get so frustrated as she is ostracising herself from her friends and support network, and we are all there to help her. It is totally destroying our family unit. we live in the country and therefore cant just 'pop' in to see the pysch. Are we doing enough? Should we be looking further? I have resisted medication, but consented to her being on one type of medication, which she managed to survive without until a couple of months ago. Any advice or support from anyone would be greatly appreciated.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

son and husband with mental health issues

replies: 1

I have been married 35 years - rocky marriage which came to an end after 15 years and then we got back together for the next run - have 3 children - 2 born in the first run and 1 born later. 5 years ago my second son was diagnosed with anxiety - would get rid of everything from his room and live off a back pack, stayed all the time in his room and come down only for food, dropped out of university three years in a row and above all does not have a single friend. Ironically it was only then that I came to realise that my husband had similar issues but on a lesser scale. He hoards - will not throw away anything, hates meeting people. going to parties or entertaining at home, stops talking to me for long periods. This double realisation is draining my energy - I am trying my best to help my son who fortunately accepts his problem and realises he needs help. But unfortunately my husband has gone further into his shell, avoids all contact with me, (we have not had sex in 10 years), escapes into the backyard garden, keeps arranging and rearranging the garden, ran up a $40000 debt which had to be paid out of the mortgage, does not want to have anything to do with the raising of the kids or the paying of the bills (he pays the mortgage though - 'this is my contribution and don't ask for anything more') and has no friends of his own currently (a few from his younger days not in this country). Strangely, to the outside world he seems perfectly normal and presents himself as being the nicest guy in town to the immediate family (mine) and friends circle. I feel so isolated as no one will understand what it is to live with a man who will not look me in the eye, avoids me and shows positive hatred towards me. The last straw was when he recently accused me of being the cause of my son's anxiety. I have been running around from GP to counsellors to clinical psychologists to help the boy while my husband since the diagnosis has withdrawn further and does not want to know anything about his son's illness. A normally strong person I feel so defeated, angry and am so full of regrets and am constantly harbouring thoughts of leaving. Unfortunately I am not in a situation where I can fend for myself and the kids. i fantasise about a normal emotional and physical relationship with a normal person, someone whom I can depend on, someone with whom I can be friends. Living in this constant negativity is draining years off my life and I feel I am wasting away my years in this world.

Pregnant, depressed husband with obsessive thoughts of past

replies: 1

Hello, I'm very new to this but I need some advice. I've read posts from other women in a similar situation but each is missing a key issue that I have. My husband had depression when he was younger but when we were first together he became much better. Now 9 years on we are married and expecting our first bub, usually a time for joy! My husbands work levels have been crazy, much to his own fault in taking it on, recently he was working away for a month or two on his own. Whilst away, his depressive thoughts came back, worse than ever. He now obsesses over my past with other guys, it's not really that extensive but he obsessively questions me... Being so long ago I've forgotten most of it and then due to my inconsistent facts, he gets frustrated and obsesses even more. It has been non-stop now for 8 days, and when he's frustrated he doesn't talk or look at me. What on earth do I do? He is not medicated and really doesn't want to be, but now I'm low on energy and positivity. I'm worried how this is effecting bub too. I'm also not sure if this is just Depression now or something else? Thankyou in advance!

How do you tell its depression or the relationship is just over?

replies: 3

Hi all, I'm in need of advice. Ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. The last 6 months has been especially tough. Hes amazing, caring, selfless and I absolutely adore him. When things are good it's amazing. But as with most relationship we have issues. When we met he was really into the gym, ate well didn't really drink and now all of the opposite. He has very a very low opinion of himself no matter how much I tell him how great he actually is. We haven't had sex in 9 months, however he is still very affectionate and tells me he loves me often. More recently he's become very moody and angry. He's told me everything is hard and he's so unhappy and he feels depressed. The big problem is he's also decided he dosnt want children. He says life is hard enough and kids are a burden. I think it's the depression but can't be sure. I'm 33 and he's 37 so I can't sit around for another year waiting for him to get help. Its so hard, I'm a positive person and love life! But recently his darkness is having an effect on me. He knows this and can tell I'm unhappy. So why dosnt he seek help if he can see he's hurting who he loves? My head says leave the relationship is just over but my heart says stay and help him through this.

Help me to help my mother.

replies: 4

Hi,Recently I found out my mother was suffering from severe depression. I also recently just turned 20 and as a young adult I have absolutely no idea on how to help her and i feel totally useless. My friend recommended me this site and its the first time im using an online thread so please bear with me. My mother is the absolute pinnacle of my life, and the thought of even losing her drives me insane. She is a very strong woman who has been running her own business's since we moved to Australia (1997). Now, due to this she is always under a lot of stress from work and recently, i think its been starting to take a toll on her body. Shes been eating A LOT less, lost a lot of weight, never has a smile on her face, her personality almost feels dead and she always complains about feeling tired or too stressed to keep working. She also has been losing her temper here and there, but most of the time shes in her room drinking until she falls asleep. As a result of this, ive been trying my best to stop her from working too much but she doesnt seem to give up. She is a clear example of a workaholic, as she works every day from Monday- Sunday, with little to no breaks. As her son, i am extremely worried about her health and wellbeing (physically and mentally). The other week, I found her medication that her doctor has been making her take and I am completely against it. After doing some research, it scared the living hell out of me because it didnt look like it was going to help her. Maybe im just being paranoid. Im sorry for such a long text, but any advice would help. I feel like im being useless when i could be helping my mother recover. I dont want to lose her or let her feel any more emotional pain for another second. Seeing her like this drains the life out of me too and kills me inside. Any advice will help. Thank you.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

replies: 13

Hi, I am heartbroken because my boyfriend of a year broke up with me last week and the thing is I think his depression is coming back. He had always been a person who was fine with being alone and doing things by himself (only child) but the past year we practically spend every day together and it had been fine. Recently he tried to break up with me but came back and now he's breaking up with me again. In retrospect a lot of things were red flags, such as he's living in a stressful enviornment, worried about school and the future (he stresses out about these things internally and he's a very reserved and headstrong person, saying that he needs to find strength within himself). He also said he had no libido but still loved me and just needed time to decompress. I know he won't have time with all these things going on and he doesn't have many close friends he can talk to. After reading the forum I have seen that a depressed person would likely think breaking up is the solution, but the adviceis to stay with them and help them through it. I'm going to talk to him later tonight perhaps for the last time and I wanted some advice as to how to approach this problem, thank you for reading.

Too worried to leave

replies: 6

My fiancé and I have been together for a decade and for quite a few years now I have been very unhappy in the relationship. I have suffered from mild depression since high school and my partner was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago. It has been very difficult to try and support him through it as he doesn't want to take any medication or go to counselling. He hasn't worked in about 2 years and now I think he believes he will never get another job. I think he is angry at himself for letting good opportunities go and angry at me because I'm trying to make good opportunities for myself. A few years ago I made a big mistake and cheated on him. Understandably he has trust issues with me, but even after saying he forgives me and trusts me, he questions me every time I want to go out and do something like catching up with my family or hanging out with a friend. If I stumble over a word he just says "You're being sketchy" or "Why are you lying to me?" I always feel like it's an interrogation. So basically now I feel like I can't have any independence in the relationship so if someone wants to catch up with me I'm always making excuses as to why I can't hang out. I feel like I have to ask permission if I want to do something. I'm 30 years old now and I feel like I'm losing my life to him. I want to leave but I worry for him. I'm scared he will not be able to afford the bills and he will end up homeless or he will not be able to cope with every day things that need to be done. His family are not very supportive and only care about themselves. I guess I feel guilty because I know I have great support with my family and I'll be able to get back on my feet fairly quickly. I'm also scared because I think he'll try to convince me to stay and I won't be strong enough to say no. I guess I'm pretty selfish for wanting my own life, but I have supported him and have tried to help gain more confidence in himself as much as possible and nothing has changed. I'm also hoping that maybe if I leave it will kick him into gear to be able to help himself. I do really want him to be happy and have the life he wants and deserves. Has anyone else been through this type of thing? Any advice would be appreciated.

what can i do

replies: 2

my daughter ,18, has depression is on medication and sees a psychologist she is constantly sad we are in our 3rd school in 2 years and are just weeks away from finishing tafe, i try and encouraged her with homework but she does gets defensive and say... View more

Pregnant and a depressed husband

replies: 3

My husband has had depressive episodes on and off for the past few years. He is good about going to the gp when he feels them coming on and has had counselling in the past which he says he learned a lot from. this time, he is more down then I've ever seen him. We have been to the doctor and he has started new antidepressants. He has an appointment to see a counsellor next week, and has been doing everything the doctor suggested, such as daily exercise etc I know that I have to give the medication time to work, but it is really hard to watch him struggle so much. Added to that is the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant. I feel like for most couples, this is the time where the wife can put her feet up a bit and b supported by her husband, but obviously that can't happen in my situation. He is mad at me for confiding in my mum about his depression, but I feel that I need someone I can talk to about it. While I feel I am quite mentally strong, I still need to cry to someone at times. Am I wrong to be talking to my mum? Not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this as I know things should improve as the medication starts to work and he sees the counsellor, just need to know I'm not the only one who is in this situation and to know it will pass cheers

Feeling like I need to have an affair to cope

replies: 2

Hi. I need advice and can't talk to anyone about this. I was married once before. That wife had depression/mental health issues after we were married that lasted years. We stopped having sex for years (years!). But I stayed faithful during all that time because of love and because of "in sickness and in health". She never got better. I fell out love from the strain. I left her (we didn't have any kids - of course). But I was always faithful to the end. I fell in love again with someone new. I got married again. Have some great kids. The new wife then got depression. I freaked out a bit, but we got through it. She got better, thank God. Now her depression has come back. But this time she is in denial about it and refuses to get help. I have tried to persuade her to get help, but she won't do it. I have been through this enough to see when someone needs help. She is distant and difficult. This has been going on for about 2 years now. We still occasionally have sex but she is just doing it to appease me. There is no desire on her side. Maybe she will get better by herself. But we are looking at years, if ever. I am so lonely. I am so lonely for intimate happy female company. I work so hard trying to keep the family going. I feel myself falling into the malaise with her. My patience and compassion for depressed spouses is very very low now. But I must stay well myself to get these children grown up. The kids see that there is something wrong with their mother, but I think they can cope as long as I keep the household running reasonably smoothly. Frankly, I want to have an affair. Or at lease see a see worker occasionally. I need some happiness to get me through this. Is that a mad idea? Is it understandable? Am I allowed to (carefully) do that? Do other people think about it? Which option is more acceptable?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Need help replies: 5

son and husband with mental health issues replies: 1

Pregnant, depressed husband with obsessive thoughts of past replies: 1

How do you tell its depression or the relationship is just over? replies: 3

Help me to help my mother. replies: 4

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say? replies: 13

Too worried to leave replies: 6

what can i do replies: 2

Pregnant and a depressed husband replies: 3

Feeling like I need to have an affair to cope replies: 2