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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Ruby123 Living with someone with depression
  • replies: 2

Hello, im new to this but really feel that im at the point of needing advice from those that might have been in a similar situation. Around 4 weeks ago my husband of 4 years (together for 11) told me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me any... View more

Hello, im new to this but really feel that im at the point of needing advice from those that might have been in a similar situation. Around 4 weeks ago my husband of 4 years (together for 11) told me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore, doesn't know how he feels eye etc. we have two children. One is 4 and one is 4 months. This cane completely out the blue for me and was a huge shock. He Stayed at his brothers for two nights and then came home but still couldn't really answer any of my questions or explain where this had come from. Cut a long story short, about a week later he broke down and admitted he's depressed. I now can't believe I didn't spot this sooner. He said he didn't mean it and he did want to try putting our marriage back on track as he admitted it was perhaps the depression clouding his decision. Although he said that he has pushed me further and further away. There is not one bit of affection in our marriage, he isn't trying to make things better one bit. He is gong to go to the doctors. As ot stands we are basically spilt up but living in the same house still at the moment, which is torture. I just basically want to know if it's normal to push loved ones away (so far away) when someone is feeling like this. aby advice is very welcome! M tjsnk you!

WordNerd15 Help - how do you keep a family function long term when the Dad has depression?
  • replies: 2

I feel so broken. My husband has had depression off on and for almost all of our 17 years of marriage. We have 3 girls (11.9 & 7) and I've put all my effort into making sure his condition doesn't affect them. But I think I've left myself alone in thi... View more

I feel so broken. My husband has had depression off on and for almost all of our 17 years of marriage. We have 3 girls (11.9 & 7) and I've put all my effort into making sure his condition doesn't affect them. But I think I've left myself alone in this too long and now I feel like my insides are broken glass and I'm not sure I can keep coping.His depression is pretty much always there, but as the saying goes some times it's a little black puppy he can manage, and other it's a ravenous black monster dog and sucks everything he has. He is such a good man and I care about him a lot. But depression has robbed us of so much. I am so angry because my emotional needs go unmet almost all of the time. He has explained to me that he struggles to express his love because he hates himself so much, but understanding that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't change emotionless void I am living in or give me hope. (I struggle not to feel like a first class witch saying that but this has been going on a long long time.)I have tried to help him but I have come to a point where I know I can't. I am nothing against that black dog. I honestly just feel like collateral damage to depression. He has weeks and sometimes even months when things seem ok on the surface. We both know they're not good - but he is able to manage well enough to be part of the family and seems to get some plesaure out of life. But then he swings down and turns into what I refer to as 'the walking ghost in the house'. He get up in the morning and goes about his routine like none of us are here - and we have pretty much all learned to just ignore him when he is like that. (What must this be doing to my girls?????) He seeks no interaction and we just wait for him to return. I am blabbering. But I need to get this off my chest a little. I am not coping with his downward spirals any more. They make me angry and break me just a little more each time they happen. I actually feel like his black dog is starting to drag me down too. Like I can't swim against it anymore. I'm exhausted.I just don't know what to do. When I look inside myself at the moment I just seen brokenness. The only thing I know I do need to do is look after myself better. I can't be a good mum when I'm feeling like this. Does anyone have any suggestions,services, sites they think could help me?

Tay22 dealing with partner who has anxiety
  • replies: 2

First time posting here I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and from the beginning his anxiety has come and gone throughout the months but it has never been this bad. he told me that he just can't feel anything at the moment. He cant ... View more

First time posting here I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and from the beginning his anxiety has come and gone throughout the months but it has never been this bad. he told me that he just can't feel anything at the moment. He cant feel any emotion happy or sad and I dont know what to do. I feel helpless that I cant make him happy and I know it may seem selfish but not being able to make someone you love happy kills me. Whenever we see each other now I feel like I cant joke and be happy with him because he shuts me down because he just doesn't have it in him. I know leave hime worse than before i saw him and its really just bringing me down. I want to stay by him its just getting really hard when I dont feel the love that used to be there. I just want some advice without judgement or even to know that someone's going through the same thing thankyou x

HeartbrokenWife Struggling with depressed, destructive husband!
  • replies: 6

Hey there, my husband has undiagnosed depression which is beginning to spiral out of control. We have a toddler and a brand new baby which alone are taking every bit of energy from me and he has admitted to being depressed and says he hates every par... View more

Hey there, my husband has undiagnosed depression which is beginning to spiral out of control. We have a toddler and a brand new baby which alone are taking every bit of energy from me and he has admitted to being depressed and says he hates every part of his life, and can't think of anything that will make him happy, yet refuses to get help. 6months ago everything seemed normal and very quickly we have gotten to a point where he never comes home, is out drinking and doing drugs all night with acquaintances not friends and is hostile and aggressive. He has recently told me he feels nothing for me and doesn't want to spend any time with me or make an effort on our marriage as something is missing and he feels nothing for me. He has said he hopes that in a few years when the kids are older that maybe it'll come back but he doesn't think it will. He has not bonded with our baby at all and wants very little to do with her as she was born in the middle of the depression, and didn't even hold my hand in labour or spend time with us in the hospital. He won't hold her for more than 10mins and has no patience with her. When he is home he sleeps or sits outside smoking. I have spoken to a psychologist several times who has little doubt that he is quite depressed and needs help. I am really struggling with how fast he has decided to throw away our family and life together. We have been together 12yrs and although things haven't been perfect, up until December I genuinely believed us to be perfectly happy. He is cold and detached with no remorse for his actions. He refuses to touch me but says he still loves me and doesn't think he'll be happy without me. i feel so heartbroken, isolated and alone and am so worried about the impact of this on our children. I don't know how to handle the hurtful cold comments and actions and try to remain supportive as I know it's not really him. I want this marriage to work and for. Him to get better so much but I realise I can't make it happen. Have others experienced this kind of behaviour in a depressed spouse? If so how did you best deal with it and encourage them to seek help?

Sad_sister Should my sister leave work and apply for sickness benefits?
  • replies: 2

Desperate to help my single sister who has been struggling with depression for almost 2 years. Caused (or maybe made a lot worse) by conditions at her workplace (who should know better) She has used all her paid leave and hasn't had a regular income ... View more

Desperate to help my single sister who has been struggling with depression for almost 2 years. Caused (or maybe made a lot worse) by conditions at her workplace (who should know better) She has used all her paid leave and hasn't had a regular income for six months. She had been under the care of a range of medical professionals and is on medication but recovery seems out of her reach. I want her to consider reducing the stress involved in attempting to attend work by applying for sickness benefits but she is hesitant. Has anyone been in this position and has it worked for them? My mental health is deteriorating as well and I want to help her but don't know how.

HelenaB Parents dilemma
  • replies: 9

We are in a dilemma over our daughter's ongoing depression and treatment. She has had difficulties since the onset of puberty with severe depressive episodes. She has been unwell since the middle of last year - her symptoms include thoughts of and ac... View more

We are in a dilemma over our daughter's ongoing depression and treatment. She has had difficulties since the onset of puberty with severe depressive episodes. She has been unwell since the middle of last year - her symptoms include thoughts of and actual self harm, lack of motivation difficulty sleeping, and feelings of wothlessness, She is very isolated socially and does not go anywhere other than university and only then when she has to, preferring online lectures and content. She spends hours on the computer writing stories and creating animations and chats online with people who share these interests whom of course she never meets. We try to limit her computer use to keep her to a reasonable sleep/wake schedule at least and have many arguments about this. When she began feeling unwell last year, she told us about it and we got her first to a doctor who prescribed the antidepressant she has used before and also to counselling sessions with a cognitive therapist we were told specialised inthe needs of younger people. Nearly a year down the track, to us she isn't really much better and the therapy sessions have started to become extremely expensive at $180 per hour with around $40 back from Medicare or our private health fund. The therapist recently asked for a review of the treatment plan to be completed by the doctor who has refused as it is less than 12 months old and says we need to wait. Meanwhile our daughter is asking to see the therapist more often (2 weekly intervals) and we are obliging but are starting to wonder how much longer our family budget can withstand it. We dont want her not to be able to have counselling as we know it's important to her recovery, but we are starting to think we will need to find a therapist who doesnt charge so much over the schedule fee. Our daughter doesnt have even part time work and says she cant cope with trying to work and her study load right now so obviously she cant afford the therapy on her own. Has anyone had experience of a family member changing therapist and if so what were the main issues? Did it make things worse? Our daughter told the doctor when asked that she thought the therapist was helpful and the sessions were good so even though we cant see improvement, we are worried about swapping. Any tips would be appreciated. Thanks

Bluererer Got a new housemate who is an alcoholic
  • replies: 8

I left work 11 months ago, savings have dwindled to nothing so I need some help with bills,I found someone advertising and friended her on Facebook (fortunately). A few days before she was supposed to move in she posts on Facbook that she had attempt... View more

I left work 11 months ago, savings have dwindled to nothing so I need some help with bills,I found someone advertising and friended her on Facebook (fortunately). A few days before she was supposed to move in she posts on Facbook that she had attempted suicide and she was headed to the hospital. There were a huge amount of horrible posts from her to all her friends that had never helped her (but obviously cared from the replies I saw). I found this really upsetting so after speaking online to a close relative and their friend who was an ex-counseller I decided I had to tell her she couldn't move in. She wasn't too awful about it but did say a few things that weren't necessary.I then put a nice ad in looking for someone who liked dogs, didn't drink much, etc. A guy messaged me saying he was from the country, had just finished a job and wanted to find somewhere to stay temporarily while he looked for work, if we got on ok he could stay on.Well, the first night he stayed he drunk at least 10 cans of beer, then called a taxi to go to the pub, came home rotten drunk but fairly amiable. The second night it was a rerun of the first, but he came home with an enormous tattoo, got really rough with my dog and was spouting racist garbage. I waited until the next morning when he was relatively sober and said it wasn't going to work. I said he could stay until he found a place if he didn't get drunk. He opted to move out to a motel as he said he wanted a few beers.I put the same ad back up, adding that I wanted an independent person who hardly drank. I got a reply from a nice sounding guy who had been in the RAF and was now studying. He had a good answer for everything, a verbal rental reference and I even spoke to his mum. I explained what happened with the last guy and he assured me this would not be a problem.Turns out he doesn't study, he goes out for hours every day and comes home late at night, drunk, cooks up a full meal and speaks very loudly. This really does make me uncomfortable. Besides the fact that my dad was an alcoholic and not a nice one, I just don't want to deal with a rambling drunk person every night.So what to do? Money is now so tight I don't even know if I could refund his bond. I asked the close relative that I talked to before but they didn't reply, now I am wondering if they think I am overreacting. Well done if you have read this far! It might sound funny, and one side of me can see this, but I am crying and anxious inside.

Frankee How do I support my partner through their anxiety?
  • replies: 4

I think one of the biggest challenges my partner and I face is knowing how he should/shouldn't support me through my anxiety. I am actively working through my anxiety. And one small step at a time I am making progress. But I constantly need reassuran... View more

I think one of the biggest challenges my partner and I face is knowing how he should/shouldn't support me through my anxiety. I am actively working through my anxiety. And one small step at a time I am making progress. But I constantly need reassurance from him that "we are okay." I want him to text me on a regular basis, I want him to be overly affectionate towards me, I want him to use terms of endearment. And unknowingly I have created this check list that he needs to meet for me to know that everything is okay. I have, unintentionally, sucked the fun out of our relationship. He works hard every day to meet my check list, and of cause, it is wearing him out. So I am wondering what support should he be giving me, when should he be reassuring me that everything is okay. But when should he be standing up to me and saying "no its not okay for you to expect that from me". I want to bring the fun back into our relationship, and I need your help. Frankee

Pixie15 Selfish carer?
  • replies: 9

Hi, If anyone has some helpful advice I would be very appreciative. My partner suffers depression which I know is not his fault. For different reasons our social life had become very restrictive over many years. For the last couple of years I have be... View more

Hi, If anyone has some helpful advice I would be very appreciative. My partner suffers depression which I know is not his fault. For different reasons our social life had become very restrictive over many years. For the last couple of years I have been attempting to make more time for myself and do some of the things I enjoy. Which was working quite well for me. Earlier this year my partner had an accident and was quite severely injured and taking care of him and doing the things that are necessary have been taking up more of my resources. The accident was also not his fault and I feel selfish thinking about freeing a bit of time for myself. I am afraid that the accident has put me back at square one. Am I being selfish? Thanks Pixie.

lupedelupe help for a friend
  • replies: 1

Hey, this is my first time here and Im really just after some info. A close friend of mine is having a real tough time at the moment coping with the trauma of sexual abuse as a kid. Shes mentioned feeling like she needs to speak to someone and even s... View more

Hey, this is my first time here and Im really just after some info. A close friend of mine is having a real tough time at the moment coping with the trauma of sexual abuse as a kid. Shes mentioned feeling like she needs to speak to someone and even stated that shes considered being on medication but obviously all of these things cost money. Can anyone lend a hand in any pathways for her to take?