Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

Caidsf My girlfriend has depression and I need help
  • replies: 2

Firstly Hi, My girlfriend and I started dating on the 19th of March 2014, we love each other very much, but she has depression, which sadly ruins us, I love her and stay up to talk to her but some nights I'm not enough and she self Harms, her parents... View more

Firstly Hi, My girlfriend and I started dating on the 19th of March 2014, we love each other very much, but she has depression, which sadly ruins us, I love her and stay up to talk to her but some nights I'm not enough and she self Harms, her parents don't allow her to date, thus they don't know about this, they also don't believe in depression, I love her and my life is easier with her, I too have a minor case but she helps me with it but it seems I don't help her, I know telling her parents is a good idea but what if they say no? We would have to break up, I can't take risk of losing her, for myself or herself

Jay03 New to Forum: At a loss as to how to help husband and save my marriage
  • replies: 8

Hi Everyone, I am new to this and very nervous! I am however desperate and I simply don't know what else to do or where to turn. To give some background, Hubby and I have been married 7 years next mth. we have a 2yr old, he is a shift worker and I wo... View more

Hi Everyone, I am new to this and very nervous! I am however desperate and I simply don't know what else to do or where to turn. To give some background, Hubby and I have been married 7 years next mth. we have a 2yr old, he is a shift worker and I work part time. He was diagnosed with depression last Aug (he sought help after my father intervened..he is a long term sufferer of depression and recognised some signs). He is on a mild dose of meds for it, we have seen a marriage counsellor and he has also seen a physiatrist. (Both of whom he tells me were of no help and against him..never taking his side etc..) His depression is severely impacting his work to the point I am worried he will be fired, he was a few months ago diagnosed with sleep apnoea and he has no enjoyment in life unless it is golf or his phone. He is attached to his phone and reconnecting with single females in particular from the past (facebook) and reaching out to them complaining about his wife and how he wants a divorce. We are hardly intimate anymore as porn has replaced this in his life. I was worried about the dwindling personal life and confronted him about it last week, to which he admitted to watching porn almost daily and hiding it from me. He then told me he wanted a divorce (first time he has ever mentioned anything like this, I tend to be the main decision maker in the household if that makes sense). His father came up for a week and has told me that all these things that have been happening and getting worse in the last 12 mths are a result of his depression and not me (as he seems to think). I am in two minds as to what to do as ultimately I want to help him through this but I am the last person he wants help from. He is back to seeing his dr again but refusing to see other professionals as they don't 'listen' to him. We are living in separate bedrooms. I am very lonely, hurt and confused. My father and my FIL are convinced this is his depression at a very low point and my husband is starting to believe this as well now.I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how did you overcome it? His phone is driving me up the wall and his lack of attention towards me and our daughter greatly upsets me. I try so hard not to let it affect me as I know people aren't themselves when they are in the depths of a low like this but I don't know any coping mechanisms for me to rise above it all. if anyone could help I would greatly appreciate any input. Thanks

Donski Depressed 'Family Man' husband cheated before separating from me.
  • replies: 5

I'm new here. Long story short, my hubby (next door neighbours since 1980,together for 13 years and 11 yr old daughter) and I both worked for a company that offered redundancies to us. We had a dream to move far north Qld & start living a less stress... View more

I'm new here. Long story short, my hubby (next door neighbours since 1980,together for 13 years and 11 yr old daughter) and I both worked for a company that offered redundancies to us. We had a dream to move far north Qld & start living a less stressful life. Applied at the same time, I got it and the company kept putting off his department. Decided to move anyway to get our daughter into school and he would come up as soon as he got the ok. He came up on days off,took leave,etc. But he was getting anxiety and depression and after so many lies by the company,he had a meltdown at work. They gave him time off to be with me,but he wasn't right. His parents came to stay and he flew home with them to attend doctor/psychologist appts and meeting with company. 8 days later he signed redundancy papers. 3 days later, he called me to say he couldn't be with me anymore rambling on with nonsense about it being my fault. Talking was useless. He'd just say it's too late. We packed up and moved back (with our parents who are still next door to each other). For 2 1/2 months,I tore myself up about what I did wrong. Then 4 weeks ago, I found out he slept with someone the night after he flew home with his parents and he's still seeing her(we always said if we stick together, we would work everything out together and we'd be fine) My psychologist, friends, etc, have all said his depression, the move, wanting to be with me and our daughter, the hassles with the redundancy...finally got to him, and hooking up with this person was easy because she has nothing to do with the crap he's been thru. And by being with someone new, it somehow makes him feel like that crap never happened and now he's free. But I know he isn't 'free' in his head. I'm totally broken that he chose to leave me and our daughter,(but I can totally empathise with him after all he's been thru)and he isn't thinking about anyone but himself. I have had depression several times in my life (including now) and I need to know if this behaviour has happened to anyone else!

UnsureBlossom He wants to leave
  • replies: 3

My husband has depression. So far this has been the worst lowest he has ever felt. He is wanting to move out and says that me and the kids are clouding his judgement as to what he wants to do in life. Im afraid he is going to run away and never come ... View more

My husband has depression. So far this has been the worst lowest he has ever felt. He is wanting to move out and says that me and the kids are clouding his judgement as to what he wants to do in life. Im afraid he is going to run away and never come back to us. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to not go and remind him of his role as a parent and a husband. He says he feels numb and he has no love for me. But only a few days ago he would tell me and msg me that he loves me throughout the day - everyday. Im in so much shock that he wants to leave. I been his support system from the start when everyone else shut in down and now he wants to leave me. I feel so alone and miserable and dont know what to do.

lwater19 Is this normal behaviour for someone with depression? Losing my sanity dealing with it.
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, and for the last year or so he’s been suffering from bad depression. He’s lost his job because of it, so now we’re dealing with financial stress as well. Lately he’s been really bad to me, and I fe... View more

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, and for the last year or so he’s been suffering from bad depression. He’s lost his job because of it, so now we’re dealing with financial stress as well. Lately he’s been really bad to me, and I feel as though I can’t do anything about it, because that would make his depression worse. I guess what I’m asking is if his behaviour is normal for someone with depression, if I should just deal with it so I don’t make things worse for him, or if how he’s acting isn’t normal. He’s been having trouble sleeping lately. He hasn’t been sleeping at night, but then sleeps all day. Yesterday he was still asleep when I got home at 4pm. Then this morning he was yelling at me for keeping me up all night. He was so mad about it that I couldn’t even raise the point that the fact he didn’t get to sleep was probably cause he’d spent the previous day sleeping. He’s going to a councillor, which is great, but now he says that this councillor has told him that he shouldn’t have to worry about doing any house work, that I should do it all. I work a full time job, cook dinner every night, clean the house on the weekends, all while my partner stays home and does nothing. I know he’s depressed, and people with depression have a hard time doing anything, I get that, but then he goes off and tells me I’m lazy if I haven’t done the dishes one night. He tells me I don’t do anything, but I can’t bring up the fact that I work and pay the rent, cause then he thinks I’m throwing it in his face that he’s not working. He’s also told me that my feelings don’t matter because he’s the one with depression. I’ve come home stressed from work, or stressed about money, and he has no sympathy for me, and I just have to deal with it on my own. Not only do I have to deal with it on my own, I have to act like I’m happy and okay, otherwise he gets mad at me for being anything other than happy and tells me I’m being selfish. I think what makes it the hardest is about 4 years ago I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I got anxious to the point of being physically ill and vomiting. And the only thing I got from him was to suck it up and stop looking so sad... and now here I am, putting everything I've got into supporting him. I guess I’ll leave it there. Is this normal behaviour? I feel like I have to just deal with it all because I don’t want to make things worse for him, but I feel like I’m losing my sanity now.

ozmunro First time dealing with partners PTSD - any advice that might make sense?
  • replies: 7

Hi, I've joined this forum in desperate help to be able to understand what's happening to my partner and my life.... I'm in a relatively new relationship but love this beautiful man with all my heart. He opened up about a trauma in his late teens and... View more

Hi, I've joined this forum in desperate help to be able to understand what's happening to my partner and my life.... I'm in a relatively new relationship but love this beautiful man with all my heart. He opened up about a trauma in his late teens and that he's had PTSD.... maybe he should have said..... At times still suffers... So everything has been wonderful and then out of the blue he cut himself off from me, stopped phone contact Andrews message became anything from normal to quite nasty which is not him at all.... This has gone on for almost a week, he finally answered my call and I got out of him that it was PTSD and he just needed some time and he'd get through it. He had assured me it's not me or anything I've done. He has been to the dr and got medication and also saw a councillor. i saw him today for this first time since Tuesday and then he didn't want to be touched at all and wasn't himself, today he seemed very anxious yet emotionless, he says he can't explain it and he doesn't understand it... Well, that makes two of us.... I might get a few messages that seem like he's himself and then they'll change or he will stop contact again... He's varely left his house all week and I'm getting really concerned. I am devastated that he is clearly not himself yet there's nothing I can do. i don't understand what's happening... Do I just be patient and wait, tell him I here when he's ready? Will this just pass? He said it normally only lasts a few days but this time it's harder... He said he has no idea what triggered it. This is breaking my heart, I'm sad, confused and don't know what I should do..... I have encouraged him to see the councillor again this week.

N087 My boyfriend has depression, i don't know what to do.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, My boyfriend and i have been together for three years now. In the beginning he was such a happy and kind person, he was always there for me and we hardly ever fought. Pleas note he did participate in recreational use of Marijuana, but wa... View more

Hi everyone, My boyfriend and i have been together for three years now. In the beginning he was such a happy and kind person, he was always there for me and we hardly ever fought. Pleas note he did participate in recreational use of Marijuana, but was never 'addicted' as such.Only after his friends begun to leave school & he had become 'lonely' did i notice a change in behaviour. He had always wanted to drop out of school to commence a trade of some sort but his overpowering mother had forced him to complete grade 12. After he had graduated he had expected that he was going to become a builder and be happy. When he did a months worth of work for a guy with no pay he had made a serious decision that building is not for him, I was so proud of him at this moment for realising what made him unhappy and changing it. Since then the problems have gotten worse.His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative and have spent the last 6 months criticising him daily for not having a job despite the fact that he has applied for almost 10 jobs and have be declined of all, this has also taken a toll on his emotions.We have always been the type of couple to express our emotions to each other honestly, however within the past 6 months he has only even shown anger and love. There is no in-between or an expression of unhappiness or an expression of any symptoms of depression, despite the fact that i can clearly notice it. When he speaks of his anger its always him being frustrated and angry with himself and always hating his parents or hating me.recently our arguments which are only ever verbal toward each other have become heated and intense where he has said hurtful things to me and continuously blames everything on me, however our arguments are always followed up with him saying he's sorry and he doesn't know whats wrong with him, a basic lowest of low for emotion once all are let out.I know that he has some degree of depression and can notice that the past few months have been dark for him therefore i am trying my hardest to cope and to support him because I do love him and it is evident that he does love me, I just really need some advice on what exactly to do, especially with his manipulative parents where his dad has known to be abusive and aggressive. Any response would be so greatly appreciated.

LilyM Best way to approach my boyfriend about his depression?
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years, and he has been open about the fact that he has experienced depression previously (around 2 years ago) which he overcame with therapy. Recently he said that he felt that he was "on a downward spiral ... View more

My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years, and he has been open about the fact that he has experienced depression previously (around 2 years ago) which he overcame with therapy. Recently he said that he felt that he was "on a downward spiral again", and his behaviour over the last few months makes me agree. He said he would see someone about it but he hasn't so far and its been months. He doesn't have a job and is having trouble with the workload at uni. recently he has been saying that our relationship is the only thing keeping him going and that i am his rock. It is starting to put a lot of pressure on me. I am also studying full time and working nights and always being there for him is wearing me thin. I don't want to seem like i am intruding on his life but this is taking a toll on our relationship. What do I do?

Vicjac How do you help a 13 year old who won't talk?
  • replies: 2

I don't know who I'm more worried about, my partner or his 13 year old daughter. His 13 yr old has always preferred her own company and would happily remove herself from the living room when things got too noisy. We would find her sitting, quite happ... View more

I don't know who I'm more worried about, my partner or his 13 year old daughter. His 13 yr old has always preferred her own company and would happily remove herself from the living room when things got too noisy. We would find her sitting, quite happily, in her room reading. But, for the past few months she spends almost all of her time in her room, she mumbles replies, or snarls them, and she has lost weight. She has told her father that she doesn't want to spend time with him anymore. They used to have a lovely relationship and shared a lot of humour, hugs and quality time. I have been told, by well meaning friends (and their children), that her mother is quite derogatory about the father (my partner) and the things that he does for his daughter, for example a gift is described as 'just trying to win points'. There is very little that we can do to change that. She has been to Headspace once but does not have to keep appointments if she doesn't want to (her mother insists that it is her choice to make). In the meantime, my partner has struggled to get a night's sleep in the past few months (he might get one nights sleep in five), he starts to feel sick the day before he picks up his children, he gets tension headaches and he is struggling to run his own business. I try to be a good listener because everything that I say is usually wrong. If I challenge my partners thinking (I have read about CBT and ACT and try to exercise it in my life) he tells me that he 'doesn't want to talk about it'. He has seen his GP and has had 2 of his other children referred to psychologists (who believe that the children are affected by their mother who harbours and expresses a lot of anger about their father). It feels like there is no answer. How do you help a 13 year old who won't talk? How do you help her change her thinking when she is only spending 40% of her time with you? How do I help my partner who is obviously suffering from anxiety over it? I can't remove the cause.

Anthe31 Caring for someone depressed and the struggle to let go
  • replies: 8

I have a depressed husband and the constant struggle is destroying me and our marriage. I have exhausted all my options of helping him by being understanding, talking about it, making appointments for him to see the doctor, seeking counseling... The ... View more

I have a depressed husband and the constant struggle is destroying me and our marriage. I have exhausted all my options of helping him by being understanding, talking about it, making appointments for him to see the doctor, seeking counseling... The list goes on. But he won't follow through. My latest attempt of going to the doc with him resulted in being prescribed antidepressants and going on the mental health plan but he won't take the antidepressants or make an appointment. I'm at my final attempt. When he is depressed, he leaves his job, leaves me with everything to financially manage and I can't do it anymore. My family have witnessed his erratic behavior and have started to try talking to me because they believe he is emotionally abusing me as he gets verbal, talks down on me and likes to say I am the problem. He also doesnt have any real friends because I have heard from others that his group of friends that he used to have thought he wasn't all there, wondered why I was with him and in the end they distanced themselves from him Ialways made excuses for his cruel and demanding behavior towards me saying it was his depression, and not him but as time has continued in our relationship I have learned that his family is also fed up. I know if I leave him he has no where to go and no one to turn to so I've stayed in this relationship for that reason. But I don't know what else to do. I don't believe in divorce, I also think I might be a horrible person for leaving someone who is confused and in need but I'm not happy anymore and I resent him for ruining me and my life. Any help on being a carer and getting thru this or help fr courage to end the marriage and move on.