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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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pro1 My Mentally ill daughter has to come home and my partner said No.
  • replies: 2

Well ,Have I done the correct thing, I had and was caring for my daughter from the ages of 18 to 27 at my property, but I feel she was pushed out by my partner of 8 years ,she was renting with her boyfriend who then became her carer ,basically there ... View more

Well ,Have I done the correct thing, I had and was caring for my daughter from the ages of 18 to 27 at my property, but I feel she was pushed out by my partner of 8 years ,she was renting with her boyfriend who then became her carer ,basically there was no relationship between them . She now has to leave the property ,and has bipolar and every other mental illness ,My Partner does not want her here, and basically has 5 children of her own and I had 4,we now only have 2 of her kids here the rest have all left under different circumstances. I basically can not do this and have become extremely depressed in the last 2 weeks .And decided to end the relationship ,I could not live with myself at the thought of abandoning my Daughter. My partner also suffers from slight Bipolar, But she will not budge or offer any other solutions, Why could she have not said ,bring her back and we can sort something out, basically I just went into such a low. She did not have a good upbringing .

riri11 my husband
  • replies: 2

I have been with my husband for 8 years this year, I found out he was bipolar 2 years after we were together. He never told me and his mom told me she thought I knew already. Its been a wild ride.He left me 2 years after we were married for some one ... View more

I have been with my husband for 8 years this year, I found out he was bipolar 2 years after we were together. He never told me and his mom told me she thought I knew already. Its been a wild ride.He left me 2 years after we were married for some one else and that was a big blow. I was crushed and did my best with our three children and to keep myself together. I was lucky that my mom was living w us at the time and she helped a lot w the kids . So after about 4 months he came and said he made a mistake and wanted to try again. So I did I loved him so much but I didn't love him like I use to in the beginning. It was hard , he continued to talk to girls I just blocked it out . he did a good job of hiding his trail but I found it .. I would confront him he would say sorry and he loved us and our family. I forgave him, I do feel dumb for doing it over and over and over. The past 1.5 years have been good. As far as i know he hasnt talked to anyone.. But he probably got better at hiding. He can lie straight to my face And be very convincing but I have now called him on it.The past couple of months I feel he isn't being honest, he is on instagram like and following young girls. and flirting he goes out on weekends with out me, spending all the money . Not paying bills etc. I work and my checks have been going to covering what he doesn't pay. I'm beyond mad. This happens two to 3 times a year . Im hurt cause I had a nice savings and I had to use it on bills. He never saves he makes us live pay check to pay check. And I'm just tried of it all. I just need advice maybe encouragement. I love him and our family. we do have a good marriage and enjoy each others company and do things. but when he is manic thats thats the hard part. But I'm tired of him making us broke All the time. I have taken over the budget, his mom has andwhen he can't to the money it Turn into a huge fight. his mom Use to help so much with talking to him, helping me w the kids, but about a month ago he went off on her and she has decided to step back . More of all helping talk to him. She says her relationship w her son is more important. I definitely understand where she is coming from. But she was the person I use to be able to talk about all this and now I don't. he will be Turning 30 next month. I have been telling him all this I don't keep anything from him. He knows how I'm feeling but it just doesn't get though.Sorry for rambling but it's good to get it out to someone else.

Colqujes Husband not coping with role as a Father
  • replies: 5

After many arguments about the way my husband is parenting our 4 year old - verbally abusive and aggressive - my husband has finally admitted that he is not coping and know that he is playing out the way his Dad parented him. My husband is a shell of... View more

After many arguments about the way my husband is parenting our 4 year old - verbally abusive and aggressive - my husband has finally admitted that he is not coping and know that he is playing out the way his Dad parented him. My husband is a shell of himself - drinking every afternoon, weight gain, generally pessimistic. Our constant arguments with me calling him on his aggressive behavior towards our Son are taking its toll on my and my feelings for him. He had decided to take a back seat to parenting and hand it all over to me - he feels as though his reactions are hard wired into him and he can't change so he will avoid the situation all together as he doesn't want to damage our Son like he has been damaged. I know that he is capable under neath it all and Ii want to help him out of this self loathing and constant state of hopelessness. He is a great provider and loving husband...but struggles in his role as Dad - we also have a new baby 4 months old. My husband has a history where his older Brother committed suicide and then his Mother consequently drank herself to death after the event. I know a lot of this not coping is stemming from all this un resolved past. He won't see someone or relationship counselling as I know he will feel attacked and feel like he is on trial and feel like he is a "bad person" further when he isn't coping already - he is open to me reading and trying to help. There is so much more and so many layers I don't even know where to start. Number one is that he will no longer be actively disciplining our Son and I will take over that main role to stop the cycle of abuse and stop the triggers for the situation getting out of hand. He can be such a loving Dad and thats the sad things its parenting under so many extreme up and down emotions. Intense Lover, Intense Anger and unrealistic expecations of a 4 year old. Sometimes I think I should just leave - but I love him and know that his past is now manifesting in the stressful time of young children and I am trying to put my expecations and hurt aside as to not just abandon him like so many before me such as his Mother and Aggresive Dad. Where the Hell do I begin?

smallanddifferent Support vs expectations for daughter with depression & anxiety
  • replies: 4

My 17 year old daughter is currently undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety (medication, and counselling with a psychiatrist and with a psychologist). She has been self-harming for some time, and was recently hospitalised after a near suicid... View more

My 17 year old daughter is currently undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety (medication, and counselling with a psychiatrist and with a psychologist). She has been self-harming for some time, and was recently hospitalised after a near suicide attempt (she wasn't physically hurt).Living with her is a delicate and exhausting balance of managing and responding to her emotions and mood swings. I am afraid to ask her to help out around the house, or to say no to a request as she becomes very angry and I am scared she will hurt herself. I also have a 6 month old baby and I just can't respond to her every request, such as lifts from school or to friends' houses, or attending every psych appointment with her. She is often argumentative, sullen or rude and seems to expect that we accept this as part of her illness. Once again, I'm scared to broach this with her as I fear it will trigger a relapse. My husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by it all and it's starting to put a strain on our relationship. I am struggling to figure out the balance between support and understanding, and having some reasonable expectations for her helping us and treating us with respect, even if she is feeling low. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

oh_livvie Tips for supporting a friend
  • replies: 1

I'm extremely concerned about my best friend. She's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, seen a doctor and has been prescribed anti-depressants but I'm not 100% sure if she's still taking them. I've recently moved to the same city ... View more

I'm extremely concerned about my best friend. She's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, seen a doctor and has been prescribed anti-depressants but I'm not 100% sure if she's still taking them. I've recently moved to the same city as her and I think it's back. In the past month she's had a couple of melt downs where she says she doesn't feel good enough for anyone and that she's a waste of space. I've tried talking to her about it, expressing my concerns, and trying to tell her that she isn't and that there are people who love and care about her. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to sink in because I think her doubts get the better of her. She's also been telling me she's been feeling sick all the time and has been vomiting - which is now affecting her weight. I'm not sure what to do next. I try to tell her to seek help, but she palms it off as having a bad day or being tired/stressed. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

LML Living with the blame for a partners illness
  • replies: 33

Hi We are 5 months into our journey, hubby has been fully medicated for only about 8-10 weeks & says he is now in remission. His issue which is overwhelming at the moment is blaming myself and our relationship for his illness. I'm finding this very h... View more

Hi We are 5 months into our journey, hubby has been fully medicated for only about 8-10 weeks & says he is now in remission. His issue which is overwhelming at the moment is blaming myself and our relationship for his illness. I'm finding this very hurtful & its adding to my acute distress which has been going on for all these months. His strategy is to shut me out. We are lucky enough to have GP & psychology support & the psychologist will be working with him on this. Any tips to get thru?I know I have done nothing "wrong" I have reacted to and called him on his behaviour in the past. He calls anything I ask a demand, apparently I have bullied him & am controlling. My language patterns set him off, after loving them man for 8 years i'm now changing my whole language for fear or making things worse - I don't want to hurt him I just want him better. Any ideas how long this will take?

Anna27 My mother is in denial about her anxiety
  • replies: 2

My mother has not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I suspect that she is a very anxious person. When I was a child/teen, her anxiety manifested in her being extremely overprotective/controlling of me. She wouldn't let me eat unhealthy foo... View more

My mother has not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I suspect that she is a very anxious person. When I was a child/teen, her anxiety manifested in her being extremely overprotective/controlling of me. She wouldn't let me eat unhealthy foods, go on school excursions/camps/stay over at friends' houses (because something bad might happen) or even brush my own teeth (because apparently I wouldn't do it right and get cavities). Now that I'm living out of home, she has focused all of her worrying towards herself, and is now convinced that everything is making her sick. She's always had digestive problems, which I think are caused or exacerbated by her anxiety/stress, but she refuses to go to a doctor and instead is diagnosing herself online and seeing natural healers who are advising her to avoid her triggers. The problem is, the list of things that she is sensitive to is getting longer and longer. She has cut out many foods from her diet (dairy, eggs, gluten and a long list of vegetables/fruits on the advice of a naturopath) not because she is allergic, but because she believes they are bad for her health and make her sick, and she only eats organic food because she thinks that non-organic food is toxic. This stops her from going out with family/friends because she can't eat anything at a typical restaurant. She might be suffering from nutritional deficiencies because she is cutting out so many foods and doesn't eat much food (she is becoming very thin). She believes that she is sensitive to chemicals and electromagnetic radiation (she has diagnosed herself with "Multiple Chemical Sensitivity" and "Electrosensitivity"), which means that she can't be around people if they're wearing perfume/deodorant, can't go to public places/cities because of all the WiFi networks/radiation etc. She is slowly cutting out more and more from her life to try and ease her symptoms/anxieties but is sacrificing her quality of life in the process. I've tried to explain what anxiety is to her but she doesn't understand. She thinks I'm claiming that her non-specific symptoms are "all in her head" and gets really defensive. I've tried less confronting approaches like writing letters but she won't listen. My Dad agrees with me but won't back me up in front of her because he thinks that's just the way she is (because it's all happened slowly over the years) and can't be helped. It's only getting worse and she really needs help. I just don't know what to do. Advice?

Aliyah_24 My boyfriend is going through grief, as a result battles meth addiction and depression
  • replies: 4

Hi guys, I'm writing on this forum for some extra support and advice. I've found many forums have helped me so far with similar stories, but felt I needed to share my own. My boyfriend and I have been together 1 year, but we have been good friends fo... View more

Hi guys, I'm writing on this forum for some extra support and advice. I've found many forums have helped me so far with similar stories, but felt I needed to share my own. My boyfriend and I have been together 1 year, but we have been good friends for 16 years, always had great chemistry and get along like a house on fire. He lost his older brother who was his world a year ago, the same time we started our relationship, he lost his brother to "suicide". I put that in brackets as the case is still open and has not been 100% confirmed. I'm finding it very difficult, as his grief was delayed somewhat, and is very difficult due to no closure and not knowing exactly what happened. He also uses meth regularly now and has turned to this in the past cope with the grief of his fathers passing a few years ago. He has symptoms of anhedonia and grief setting in harder the past 6 months. We haven't been physically intimate for 4 months now, and he's different to me, in that we don't spend time together unless I initiate it, and he doesn't look at me like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world like he's done the whole time we have known each other. It's so complex to put everything down here. Positives are I get glimpses of the guy I've always known, he does sleep, eat regularly and go without meth, and is home most nights, but that I believe he is doing for me as I've asked for compromise, just as much as it is for him. Everyday is a battle for me as I am giving and giving and supporting the best I can but it's very one sided relationship at the moment and so hard when you feel so alone sometimes. We still communicate very well, and are honest and open, cuddle and kisses here and there and he says he doesn't want to be addicted to meth or feel like he is feeling. But I feel if I wasn't putting in then I'm not sure how much of a realtionship there would be, or how much positive actions would come, if I didn't make so much effort. It's makes me so sad, cause he's struggling, I scared of losing my best mate, my boy, and he's the love of my life, a beautiful person, and I have to keep telling myself he feels the same about me as he's shown it in the past and told me, even though he hasn't shown it for a while now, and isn't himself, and I feel insecure at the moment. I am now seeing a psychologist to help me with self care and ways to understand and help him. I look foward to any and all your advice and support with my situation. Thank you, Aliyah

JenW My daughter is 34 years old and has an aquired Brain Injury
  • replies: 2

My daughter is 34 years old and has an aquired Brain Injury. At the age of 25 she developed depression and believes that this male person is going to come and meet her. It all started 5 years ago when she was chatting to this boy on RSVP and he said ... View more

My daughter is 34 years old and has an aquired Brain Injury. At the age of 25 she developed depression and believes that this male person is going to come and meet her. It all started 5 years ago when she was chatting to this boy on RSVP and he said all these wonderful things to her but over time he didn't want to have anything to do with her. She became processed and stalked this boy, he begged her to leave him alone and has blocked her from ever contacting him. My daughter believes he loves her and will come and see her she has even friended some stranger on Facebook which clearly is a scam but she believes it is him pretending to be someone else. This has been going on for 5 years every week she says he is coming, she will not go on holidays because she thinks he is coming. I just don't know what to do as when I tell her he is not real she becomes suicidal and has attempted on one occasion or has self harmed. The Doctors say she is not hurting anyone and to just go along with it. I am now very scarred after this Facebook insadent anyone could take advantage of her. I just don't know what to do. I can not leave her alone which means I and her father are house bound and can not go on holidays because she refuses to come with us.