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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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OCDD How to respond to depressed texts
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make long story short, my sister-in-law (she's 32) has been diagnosed with depression. She has troubled childhood (verbally abusive, divorced parents) and 2 major events have happened in her life recently that she c... View more

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make long story short, my sister-in-law (she's 32) has been diagnosed with depression. She has troubled childhood (verbally abusive, divorced parents) and 2 major events have happened in her life recently that she can't seem to deal. 1. Trouble at work. She can't seem to keep jobs (she said she "can't concentrate" and therefore can't get any jobs done) and recently just quits again due to personal conflicts with her bosses. (They told her she's "weird"). 2. Her long-term boyfriend broke up with her. However, she's still in denial of this and is trying to win him back.. Even though he hardly ever answers her calls/texts anymore. She doesn't want to accept the fact and therefore can't move on. She lives in another country so her primary form of communication with my husband is usually via instant text messages. I'm posting here because I really want to help my husband deal with her depressed texts. Almost every day, she would text him things like "No one loves me", "I'm so alone", "Nothing good in my life", or "I'm worthless". He understands that it's her depression talking.. But no matter how supportive he tries to be, her answer is always "you don't understand". It's very frustrating and I'm not sure what else he can do to help her? I don't want my husband to get depressed, too!

carenum setting boundaries for depressed teenager
  • replies: 2

I have a teenager who exhibits some classic symptoms of depression, particularly lack of daily routine, lots of watching tv on a laptop and something or another on a smart-phone, all while secluded in the bedroom. I suspect I need to impose some limi... View more

I have a teenager who exhibits some classic symptoms of depression, particularly lack of daily routine, lots of watching tv on a laptop and something or another on a smart-phone, all while secluded in the bedroom. I suspect I need to impose some limits, like no computer in bedroom after a certain time. But I don't want to alienate my teenager. How should a parent negotiate this difficult boundary setting issue?

Prudence_A He pushes us away - how do I help?
  • replies: 12

My partner lost his 13 year old daughter to suicide 5 months ago. This has been a heartbreaking time for our family but of course hardest for him. I have a 14 year old daughter that lives with us. A couple of months ago we moved back home to qld from... View more

My partner lost his 13 year old daughter to suicide 5 months ago. This has been a heartbreaking time for our family but of course hardest for him. I have a 14 year old daughter that lives with us. A couple of months ago we moved back home to qld from Wa for him to start a great new job. We started the year in a positive frame of mind as he had a new job and we were back close to family. Since then his grief is just getting too much for him to handle. He has moved out of our house as he says he needs space to 'deal with things' and also being around my daughter (who he is very close to and loves lots) is just too hard at the moment. Although I wasn't happy for him to be living somewhere else, I was willing to give it a try because anything that helps is worth a go right? Since then he has become more distant and keeps telling me that we are better off without him. I keep assuring him that we love him so much and will always be by his side to support him. I believe he was suffering depression before this happened ( he has dealt with lots in his past included abuse) He is now in such a bad space that he believes its never going to get better. He has a history of depression in his family and thinks that he is always just going to feel like this. He is yet to see a doctor or counsellor but has made an appointment for next week. I meant it when I told him I would never give up on him and support him through this. The hardest thing is knowing how to support him when he is pushing me away. What can I do to help him? If I bring up seeing a doctor to discuss possible treatments he gets annoyed at me and says he 'will sort it out'. Any advice would be great. thanks SIMILAR THREADS Pushing friends and loved ones away I have pushed my husband away Husband depressed says he wants to leave advice please! Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you I pushed my husband away If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

freedom2411 partner with anxiety, panic attacks, depression. just need someone to talk to.
  • replies: 6

Hi there, My husband and I have been together for almost 12yrs. Our first date we ended up parked outside a hospital with him ready to go and admit himself after having panic attacks and since then he's declined in health so much that he hasn't left ... View more

Hi there, My husband and I have been together for almost 12yrs. Our first date we ended up parked outside a hospital with him ready to go and admit himself after having panic attacks and since then he's declined in health so much that he hasn't left our home in almost 8yrs and can't be left alone as even that causes an anxiety attack. he suffers badly from depression as well, and although we've surprisingly coped well with the cards we've been dealt over the years, now that he can't be left alone in really struggling. Before this I could atleast go to work, which was my outlet, but now I'm having to take days off work to look after hubby. He can't work, so I'm the only income earner. We have three children together as well. I'm struggling to keep my job, between days off with hubby, kids getting sick and drs apptmts there is no spare time. We don't have family to help - I come from abusive parents and his have their own medical issues. Hubbys health has only declined over the years, never improving. We speak often about this whole situation and I know the only thing keeping him here is his children. We've tried everything. .. medications caused seizures and now he's scared to try them again. Tried naturopathy, hypnotherapy, psychologists.... nothing has helped and now he can't leave the house it's harder to find help. Just need somewhere to talk because no one else understands. Thanks.

Honey Worried and concerned mum
  • replies: 4

My daughter is 22 and is currently studying at university. She has lost all motivation to go to classes lately and this is not the first time this has happened. We try to talk to her but she will not talk about it. She has drifted in and out of diffe... View more

My daughter is 22 and is currently studying at university. She has lost all motivation to go to classes lately and this is not the first time this has happened. We try to talk to her but she will not talk about it. She has drifted in and out of different courses since leaving school, she starts off well and seems happy but soon loses the motivation and does not finish. Her dad and I are so worried about her and just don't know what to follow. She has tried applying for part time work but has not had any luck. What should we do. thanks

OjOj When is the best time to approach someone who is obviously struggling?
  • replies: 1

Hi, thank you for allowing me to be on your forum My 23 yo son has some form of depression, I believe. He has episodes of feeling like he doesn't want to talk to anyone or do anything and has currently been in bed for the last 3 days. Just before the... View more

Hi, thank you for allowing me to be on your forum My 23 yo son has some form of depression, I believe. He has episodes of feeling like he doesn't want to talk to anyone or do anything and has currently been in bed for the last 3 days. Just before these episodes, which he's had for years, he's really happy and "normal". He has just come back home to live with me after losing his job and not being able to support himself. He can't keep a job and just walks away from others. When you ask what happened the standard answer is "I don't know" or give a really convoluted answer that makes no sense. I went into his room the other day and asked if he was alright, that was when he told me that he didn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. His friends were trying to contact him, via facebook, his mobile, his brother and lastly the home phone - he wouldn't talk to any of them. I told him, gently, that being in bed and doing what he is currently doing is not good for him and did he think he needed to see someone, GP etc He told me that would never happen. I told him if he needed anything to let me know. My question is - Am I better to approach him when is is back on a high or happy? My thought, and my husband's thought, is that he would be in a better or more rational frame of mind. Cheers

Shell2006 Hoping for advice with my best friend/partner who has depression
  • replies: 2

So I have a little back story that I think is relevant to the now: i was with my partner for seven years prior to a little breakup, a then reconnection, and then my year abroad. within the first few months of my time away, my partner (who I generally... View more

So I have a little back story that I think is relevant to the now: i was with my partner for seven years prior to a little breakup, a then reconnection, and then my year abroad. within the first few months of my time away, my partner (who I generally spend days on days with) started declining to talk, announcing that on that day we didn't feel right, but that would change the next time we spoke (weeks later, on his terms) We eventually broke up, he didn't speak with me excluding the 3 times he confessed his love to me, but he was with someone at the time. this person is also possibly important, because she's 5 years younger than both of us (she just turned 19) and completely out of the close friendship circle we shared. During the time they were together, he didn't really maintain contact with me or our friends. he expressed he was struggling emotionally throughout the year, and I guess that's why I kept allowing his actions, but not without some angry emails or snarky remarks on occasion. im now home, and he broke up with this person and said he had always loved me, but felt lonely and liked having her around. but every couple of days he expresses these feelings that things have changed, and he feels pressure to talk about anything to do with the future, and says that he misses her. Now he isn't on medication or seeing someone, but I have spoke with him occasionally about it, and I think he might tomorrow. But I want to see if anyone shares my thoughts, or if maybe I shouldn't try with the relationship. I feel like this person helped him escape feeling many things, and acknowledging guilt for how he treated people (because she runs in an entirely different crowd) and on his good days, we can talk about that relationship, and he tells me he didn't see a future. i don't know, I feel like I'm making him feel too much, and maybe being with someone that (if I'm honest) I don't think he cares as much for, might be better for him now. I think I just remind him of his really bad days this last year, when he said mean things. i think I expect too much of him, and that's obviously too hard for him to live with now.

nesy Person with depression + person with anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hello everyone! So, I have suspected for a loooong time that I have an anxiety disorder (possibly GAD with previous Social Anxiety when I was little), and many of my close friends and family agree. I have recently started dating a person who has depr... View more

Hello everyone! So, I have suspected for a loooong time that I have an anxiety disorder (possibly GAD with previous Social Anxiety when I was little), and many of my close friends and family agree. I have recently started dating a person who has depression, and I just want to do my best to support him as well as I can. I do, however, realise that I worry a lot about them, how they're going, and if they're feeling okay. I just want to know that they're not getting too worried about me, but I do think that maybe I should be looked out for a little bit as well. I do not want to inflict the kind of anxious thoughts onto this person though that I have about them. How do I keep this relationship balanced? A person with depression plus a person with suspected anxiety. He really does look out for me, but he's very in tune with his own problems and how he's feeling. I don't want to be a burden, but I think I may need to be cared for as well. How can I make sure that I'm being looked out for as well?

E75 Dealing with a depressed husband
  • replies: 1

Hi there,this is my first visit here. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. He has suffered anxiety and depression issues for most of his life but has only recently realised this is what it is. Recently, the doc h... View more

Hi there,this is my first visit here. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. He has suffered anxiety and depression issues for most of his life but has only recently realised this is what it is. Recently, the doc has suggested that maybe there was something else at play, such as ADHD or Aspergers. (Both these affect our kids). The past 4 years have been particularly stressful, involving 2 moves, health issues with 3 of the kids, job loss and financial stress. He had been on medication for about a year and recently the doctor doubled this dose. He is quite difficult to live with at the moment. I don't think the medication is helping him. He has developed a stutter and seems to be severely depressed at times. I also think he is making poor choices and decisions. We have recently decided to seperate, although it is going to be a bit of a process because we have to sell our old property first, in order to afford two places. He is not dealing well with this. The other night he told me he had been talking to lifeline. I am really unsure what to do for him and how to ensure both our happiness. Looking forward to hearing any suggestions.

AKP struggling with husband suffering from depression
  • replies: 3

My husband has struggled with depression as long as I've known him, anxiety also but that seems to be managed well with medication. We have a happy healthy 2 yr old, our own home, life should be pretty good. My husbands depression is not great again ... View more

My husband has struggled with depression as long as I've known him, anxiety also but that seems to be managed well with medication. We have a happy healthy 2 yr old, our own home, life should be pretty good. My husbands depression is not great again lately and I really struggle with it. He is an amazing dad without question 100% of the time. As a wife I find the lack of emotions so difficult, no sex drive, no enthusiam for anything. Sometimes I feel like Im carrying a brick behind me, dragging everything out of him , organising everything. I know that sounds bad, but some days I just wish someone would look after me. I cant help him and he wont/can't help himself. He hates therapy. I feel like im trapped between the life I wish for and this one. I love my husband and my family but I dont know how to help him and I also want to start getting the things I want out of life as well.