partner with anxiety, panic attacks, depression. just need someone to talk to.

[freedom2411]

Hi there, 

My husband and I have been together for almost 12yrs.  Our first date we ended up parked outside a hospital with him ready to go and admit himself after having panic attacks and since then he's declined in health so much that he hasn't left our home in almost 8yrs and can't be left alone as even that causes an anxiety attack.  😞  he suffers badly from depression as well,  and although we've surprisingly coped well with the cards we've been dealt over the years, now that he can't be left alone in really struggling.  Before this I could atleast go to work,  which was my outlet,  but now I'm having to take days off work to look after hubby.  He can't work,  so I'm the only income earner.   We have three children together as well.   I'm struggling to keep my job,  between days off with hubby,  kids getting sick and drs apptmts there is no spare time.  We don't have family to help - I come from abusive parents and his have their own medical issues.   Hubbys health has only declined over the years,  never improving.  We speak often about this whole situation and I know the only thing keeping him here is his children.  We've tried everything. .. medications caused seizures and now he's scared to try them again.   Tried naturopathy,  hypnotherapy,  psychologists.... nothing has helped and now he can't leave the house it's harder to find help.  Just need somewhere to talk because no one else understands.   Thanks. 

[AGrace]

Hi freedom,

I'm not sure if you have written subsequent posts since this one, you're username sounds familiar, however we may just have more than one freedom in the community.

Regardless, I am sorry that we have missed your post. I can only hope that in the interim you  may have read some other threads under the family and friends topic. Feel free to browse through these and join any of the discussions that you find relevant.

I understand that you really came here as more of a place to vent. I can imagine how lonely it must be, not having family to share your burden with. 

I'm wondering if it's time for your husband to go back into hospital again? It sounds like he needs some more long term treatment options for his condition, and you could also do with the break. Would he be open to this?

Are you able to talk with your husband about how his deteriorating health is having an impact on you? Have you been able to seek some support for yourself?

You mentioned that there are still appointments to get to, is your husband seeing a GP or some other professional? Have you considered arranging for a Crisis Assessment Team to visit the house, so that your husband has some support other than you?

I understand his reluctance to medication, given the seizures. Was this one type of medication or did he try numerous varieties and get the same side effects? 

It can be challenging to do, as I understand you want to come across as loving and supportive, but it might be time to set some boundaries. 

Have you been in contact with your local community mental health services to find out what options are available to you? Have you spoken with your GP about what options are available for your husband in terms of long term at home care?

Sorry, I know it seems like I'm asking a lot of questions. If you want to respond that's great. If you feel better just having vented, that's fine too. Now that you've received a reply, your post will be bumped back to page one. Hopefully you'll get some other replies from various community members.

We're always here to listen when you feel you'd like to chat. Normally we're pretty good at responding, but sometimes one still slips through.

AGrace

[AGrace]

Hi freedom,

I was also just thinking that you might like to join in Aggy's discussion titled "Do you ever feel worthless". It might be good to gain some insight from someone with a shared experience of what your husband is going through, and find out what has worked for him.

You can enter the title into the search function, top right, and you'll be directed to the relevant thread.

AGrace

[freedom2411]

During our many conversations about the horrible 'black dog' that plagues our house, we have discussed hospital, and my husband is dead against it.  He has told me he would fight tooth and nail before anyone took him to a hospital.  He hasn't left our house in so many years - missing the birth of his child which ripped his heart out to do, and not being able to come with me in the ambulance when I lost our son halfway through the pregnancy, which gives you an idea on how strong a hold this disease has on him.  He's tried so many things - numerous medications (which either leave him completely numb - which he hates more than anything - or giving him seizures).  He's had that many adverse side effects the mere thought of taking a panadol, let alone an anti-depressant, gives him anxiety. 

I dl\o talk to him about how this effects me - for years I didn't, because all it did was make his feelings of worthlessness even greater.  We had a chat a few days ago, where I told him that I'm exhausted.  I can't leave him alone in the house anymore as this triggers his panic attacks so I am in a constant rush.  I have to work to support our family, but in doing so I leave my husband in a state of panic (and his mother has to be with him during the day while I'm at work).  We have 3 kids that go to daycare because their dad can't look after them although he's home all day (which kills him) so I'm paying huge fees, plus working 50hr wks, then trying to arrange appointments during my work hrs as that's the only time I have away from the house, rushing home so my mother in law can then run her own errands.  There's no 'me time' as all my annual & sick leave is taken up either having days off to look after sick kids, or because my mother in law and I need to alternate days off work (she works one day per week) so someone can be here with my husband.  There's no time left for me.  My husband totally understands this, and feels awful that he's putting such a huge burden on me, but he has lost a lot of his will to fight this.  He says he is going to try and have me leave the house for short periods, so we are trying this, but honestly all he has ever done is gone downhill since the day we met.  He used to be able to drive 30mins away from home, then it was 10mins, then it was nothing at all (but I still was able to go to work & leave him alone at home).  Then I had to be within 30mins of home, then 10mins, then not leave at all...it's gotten worse and worse, never better.

[freedom2411]

We've tried psychologists, medication, hypnotherapy, naturopathy, pretty much everything.  It took me weeks to find a gp to come and write him up a mental health care plan, then another month to find a psychologist who would do home visits.  He didn't 'click' with the psychologists (2) that I found so he didn't continue with the sessions.  He has had a worker from PHaMS (personal helpers & mentor scheme) come to the house for the last year or so but he recently resigned from the company, and again he didn't click with their replacement so that is no longer happening. 

We tried contacting mental health qld and numerous other agencies but unless he's a threat to himself or others, they won't do house visits.  I'm sick of being told 'sorry we can't help you'.  I've heard it so many times over the years and I can honestly understand why he has given up the fight.  I'm on the outside looking in and I myself am exhausted with the process and lack of help.  I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be him.  So we just keep plodding along...I've stopped trying to ring people because all I get is a door slammed in my face, and all it does is highlight again how alone we are in this, and the enormity of what we are battling.  There is no end in sight.

[AGrace]

Hi freedom, 

I completely understand your frustration. It sounds like you and your husband have reached the end of a very short piece of string. 

I know it feels like you have tried everything, and at times you've faced rejection from a number of mental health services. At other times it's been your husband who has rejected help. This puts you in a very difficult predicament. No doubt you want your husband to get the help he needs and yet, at the moment that feels like banging your head against a brick wall. 

I wanted to ask if you have private hospital cover? if so, have you enquired with any of the private Psychiatric hospitals as to whether they offer an outreach type program, where a mental health worker works with your husband at home? 

Have you been in contact with neami to find out what support services they offer in your area? 

When your husband is at home is he doing anything to help himself? There are a wide variety of resources, information, and self help workbooks on the Centre for Clinical Intervention website. If he's not doing it already, mindfulness is a very acclaimed technique to assist with anxiety. You can google mindfulness, otherwise google Tara Brach, Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn, or Russ Harris, these are some of the well known mindfulness gurus. Russ Harris also has a very good book called The Happiness Trap, which would be a good read and reference for your husband. 

Does your husband also belong to any online communities for mental health?  It might be something to consider. I'm not sure if you have seen but there are a number of community members here who have very similar conditions. 

I sincerely hope that some of this is helpful. I think the other thing to remember is that panic attacks, although they feel extremely vicious and intense will not physically hurt your husband. I know he feels he needs someone with him all the time, but you ARE just as important, so if you need to be away from him then I think reassure yourself that this is possible, and it's ok. 

AGrace

[GabiT]

Hi Freedom

How is your husband doing now? Were you able to find an appropriate treatment for him? 

Regards

GT