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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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PM Supporting a husband with depression
  • replies: 2

Hi there I have been married now for 7.5yrs to a beautiful, caring and loving man. He is hard working who has a heart of gold and would do anything he can to help out anyone. We were always inceprable, doing things together, going away on mini trips,... View more

Hi there I have been married now for 7.5yrs to a beautiful, caring and loving man. He is hard working who has a heart of gold and would do anything he can to help out anyone. We were always inceprable, doing things together, going away on mini trips, visiting friends and family, we were never home - I felt that life couldn't be better.. However, over the last 3 years, after failing to conceive a child and my husband going through the closure of his family business, breaking his leg then being hospitalised for a month with infection, he fell into a deep depression. He basically has been on the couch for months and closed himself off to the rest of the world. The once social outgoing person has become a recluse and unable to function. It's ironic really that I am a psychology educator and that I feel I cannot help my husband or pull him out of this with all that I know and I hate myself for it. I managed to get him to his GP and on a mental health plan, he is taking anti depressants and started to see a psychologist however it has been a long and slow process.I am finding it to be increasingly difficult. Im beginning to feel helpless myself and I am starting to get anxiety and have most recently started not sleeping at night from all the stress. We have gone from living a very comfortable life to be lumped with unpaid bills, massive financial strain from the previous business and I feel that it is up to me to get us out as I am the only one working. He has every intention to get up off the couch and help but he can't. With a mortgage, late fines, daily bills I'm finding it difficult to cope and starting to resent him every time I come home from work and see him lumped on the couch even tho I know he can't help it!! I'm so run down and I'm not coping. Any advise would be appreciated x

Loulou91 When is it bad behaviour & when is it depression & anxiety?
  • replies: 4

Would love some help with how to deal with my sister who has depression & anxiety. We've had a pretty crap relationship for years & we're very different. I think she has had jealousy towards me and when she was quite unwell a few years back she blame... View more

Would love some help with how to deal with my sister who has depression & anxiety. We've had a pretty crap relationship for years & we're very different. I think she has had jealousy towards me and when she was quite unwell a few years back she blamed me for her self harm (think I'm a bit scared from this to be honest). We've tried to work on our relationship many times but just cannot seem to make it work. I feel like she is rude, awkward to be around, never interested in how I am, and blows up at small things so feel like I need to walk on egg shells around her. Most recent example was a family dinner, where she barely spoke to me and completely ignored my husband (she's never seemed to like him but we don't know why). She put this down to her depression saying she wasn't feeling sociable, but she's almost always like this with me. The fact she doesn't speak to my husband makes it even harder for me to 'like' her, for lack of a better word. She seems to think she should be treated differently because of her mental health conditions. i don't know how much should let slide because of metal health conditions, and how much I shouldn't put up with ?? Like I said this has been going on for years.we're currently both pregnant with our first babies, and it so sad we just can't get on. But I just don't know what to do anymore.

Apples12 Engaged to anxious fiancé, antidepressants have killed our love life
  • replies: 4

I'm five months away from getting married to my beautiful lovely man. Together five years, living together for four. Eight months ago he went on antidepressants. Our love life dried up not much later. In the last six months we've had sex less than a ... View more

I'm five months away from getting married to my beautiful lovely man. Together five years, living together for four. Eight months ago he went on antidepressants. Our love life dried up not much later. In the last six months we've had sex less than a handful of times. It's not just the sex. The intimacy is gone too. The cuddles, snuggles, warmth. It's all forced now. How can I not ask myself the question of whether getting married is the right thing? I hate that this is happening during our engagement, what should be a happy time in our lives, and I hate that all I can think about is how it's affecting me. I try to do and say the right thing for him, but I feel like I'm failing. I'm fearful that this is not a phase. I'm fearful that it's only going to get worse. How do we get through this without me looking selfish? How do I stop being so selfish? Am I right to be concerned?

Quiettall Not sure how much more I can take
  • replies: 17

Hi there My wife and I recently retired and moved interstate to be nearer her extended family. She has major illnesses (diabetes and heart) which is enough to deal with but now as a result of her mother passing away 2 years ago, she is suffering majo... View more

Hi there My wife and I recently retired and moved interstate to be nearer her extended family. She has major illnesses (diabetes and heart) which is enough to deal with but now as a result of her mother passing away 2 years ago, she is suffering major grief and depression. Her once close family has fractured over the estate that was badly handed by the oldest brother. This fracturing of the family has not helped as she expected when we returned "home", everyone would welcome her with open arms. The exact opposite has happened where previous friends and many of her family has npt bothered to meet up. There is all sorts of intrigues (real and imaginery) betwene the siblings which has also consumed her. I am trying so hard to be supportive, but she is constantly withdrawing, treating me with suspicion or as someone she needs to control and dominate. It has got to the point where I've been looking for short term breaks away to get some fresh air for myself, give her space and inject some positive new experiences back into the marriage. I even suggested we pack up anbd do some short term tours around Australia....as she is a totally different more relaxed person when we are on holidays. I am not sure what next I can do..I am seeking an appointm,ent with our GP to see if I can get a referral to a clinical psychologist as its starting to effect my wellbeing and I'm constantly feeling anxious and depressed over it.

lunadora should i stay or should i go?
  • replies: 11

My partner, sorry ex partner, and i both have depression. Mine is anxiety based his is motivational. When we first got together he was honest about being depressed. Aside from not working or trying to find work it didnt seem to impact his life. After... View more

My partner, sorry ex partner, and i both have depression. Mine is anxiety based his is motivational. When we first got together he was honest about being depressed. Aside from not working or trying to find work it didnt seem to impact his life. After 6 or so months his parents started pushing for him to find work. He started withdrawing and was very focused on us. He was ALWAYS affectionate so that was nothing new. We started small. Put together a resume, do some courses and make effort to find work. It was progress. We decided together to go and talk to a doc. Our doc asked us to do therapy. We both declined. we did try medication. We have difficulty communicating. About 6 weeks in to the medication i felt disconnected. I started clinging because i was scared. He got more spacey. When i asked about it he said to hug and kiss him when i wanted. He would half hug me. Turn away. There was something wrong. But he kept telling me there wasnt. We've had issues with housecleaning. I'm a cleaner He isnt. A few weeks ago just beforea family dinner i exploded. And he told me that when i clean i make him want to kill himself (he later put this is context and explained it make him feel worthless and useless). I realised that by giving him a list of chores was too much. I started to ask him to do a small thing each day. wash the cutlery. fold the clothes.One day i came home and he had made the bed, put the garbage out and i hadn't asked. We got along better. Were talking again. But i missed the intimacy. Last Wednesday i cracked. I told him it felt like he had put me in the friendzone and i just needed to know if that was how he felt. He didnt know how he felt and said he wanted to take a few days to work out how he feels about me. We acted the same, getting better. yesterday morning while laying a foot from bed he SMS's me: Hey. It's been an awesome weekend and I love hanging out with you. It's been nice. Chillin and watching tv. Go karting and last night was awesome. I want to be really good friends and house mates if you want but I can't give you any of the romance or sexual stuff. I'm sorry... And I'm sorry to txt I just can't bring myself to speak He said he cares about me but he doesnt love me anymore then tried to hug me. He has asked me to stay in the house if i want. But should i be there to continue to support him through this because i love him even if we are not in a relationship? Or should i leave because he doesn't want me anymore?

Casper89 Not Sure How To Support My Depressed Husband Anymore
  • replies: 2

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years- we were high school sweethearts. We have been married for the last two. We have always been each other's rocks and have been very dependant on each other. Over the last 6 months, my husband has... View more

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years- we were high school sweethearts. We have been married for the last two. We have always been each other's rocks and have been very dependant on each other. Over the last 6 months, my husband has said that he has been disillusioned with our love and he now "loves me, but isn't in love with me". This came to ahead about 6 weeks ago when he confessed he had feelings for someone else, someone he works with. He was feeling so guilty about these feelings that he has now been diagnosed with depression. He's struggling with the idea that we are no longer each other's future. He tells me that he feels he can't make me happy and that I should move on because he won't love me in the way I deserve. He doesn't want to go on meds which I support and he is seeing a psychologist- he's had one session so far. Yesterday he told me that the only thing that makes him happy is seeing this other woman. I love him and want him to be happy so I am trying to accept this decision that he is going to see her more. I am going to stay with friends for a while so that we can have a bit of space because I am really struggling to deal with all of this. i want to be nothing but encouraging and supporting and I fear that if I give him space, he will see this as me moving on and drive him to the other woman. I feel betrayed in so many ways, but I love him and I just want to him to let me help him. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not the person that makes him happy anymore. Any advice will be so greatly appreciated.

HtamAE How do I protect my kids whilst caring for my husband with depression
  • replies: 4

First time posting!My husband has had issues with alcohol for many many years. Recently he has been diagnosed with depression. This is the second time he has been put on meds. He has had one phone counselling session with a work provided counsellor b... View more

First time posting!My husband has had issues with alcohol for many many years. Recently he has been diagnosed with depression. This is the second time he has been put on meds. He has had one phone counselling session with a work provided counsellor but that is it.There has been quite a few times recently where he has dropped the ball as a parent. Twice in the last month i have had phone calls at work from my daughters and sons childcare after closing time to say they haven't been picked up. Both times my husband was at home passed out on the couch. His response both times was to say that it is all part of his depression and I should be more sympathetic. He responds with attack, name calling and blame instead of remorse which makes it harder for me to be sympathetic.I have said to him that he should go away and seek better help for the sake of the kids and I will take 100% responsibility for the kids but he sees that as me taking the kids away from him. He is unwilling to accept that he isnt up to parenting (even though he admits that the depression makes him feel irresponsible) but says that because he is depressed I should just accept it.Now I am heartless because I have said that if he wont move out (albeit temporarily) I will move out with the kids. Everything is my fault. I feel trapped because logistically I can't leave the kids with him without the fear of him getting drunk,passing out on the couch and something happening to the kids, but he wont leave. Previously when I have gone away for dinner, I have come home to our front door wide open and him passed out on the couch. I am terrified something one day will happen so now I dont go anywhere.Am I being selfish for putting the kids first? How do I get him to see that while I am happy for him to put himself first I have to put the kids first?

Cherry_Blossom_Falls Does anyone on here have a parent with Narcissistic personality disorder?
  • replies: 2

After a life of torment and wondering what I did so wrong to cause my father to despise me and my siblings - I finally get a answer at 29! My brother called me a couple of weeks ago and told me my father had been diagnosed by a psych with NPD. This h... View more

After a life of torment and wondering what I did so wrong to cause my father to despise me and my siblings - I finally get a answer at 29! My brother called me a couple of weeks ago and told me my father had been diagnosed by a psych with NPD. This has been a life changing event for me and I just wanted to hear from anyone else who was raised by a parent with NPD. Any memories or insights anyone wanted to share? Thanks everyone

Penny_Jane Living with adult daughter with anxiety and depression
  • replies: 3

Never having experienced serious depression I am struggling to cope with my 29 year old daughters anxiety/depression. She had "the man of her dreams" but was so insecure from a previous bad emotionally abusive relationship in her late teens. She avoi... View more

Never having experienced serious depression I am struggling to cope with my 29 year old daughters anxiety/depression. She had "the man of her dreams" but was so insecure from a previous bad emotionally abusive relationship in her late teens. She avoided dating for six years because of her trust issues. She has had two short relationships since but never got upset like this when they ended. This time I think the depth of her feelings scared her and she would get anxious and break up with him but they would always work it out until she had a meltdown from long work shifts and broke up with him over something stupid and he finally had enough three months ago. She just can't accept that he won't work things out. I am angry with her as I don't understand why she kept pushing him away when she cared so much about him. He told me he really loved her but just couldn't take it anymore. I have tried to be kind but being menopausal I get easily irritated. Her friends that she has always been there for are not being there for her now and the responsibility has fallen entirely on me and I am struggling. She sees no reason to get better. She tries to manipulate me by saying she won't take her medication or try to get better unless I get him back for her and I have told her I can't do that. I have tried to gently tell her he isn't coming back but that never ends well. She quit her job and spends all day home alone as I work during the day. When I get home she just starts on how much she misses him and how much better she would be if she could just talk to him. She needs to get out of the house but nobody invites her anywhere anymore even when I have spoken to her best friend of 16 years how important this is for her to get better but I feel this is falling on deaf ears. I have looked for a local support group for her but we live in a regional area which doesn't seem to have these resources. I can't keep doing this alone.

turtledove How should I respond to being pushed away by someone with depression?
  • replies: 2

I've just recently discovered that a guy I've been dating has suffered from major depression for many years. We were developing what I thought was a great relationship when he began to be quite distant, not initiating contact with me and alternating ... View more

I've just recently discovered that a guy I've been dating has suffered from major depression for many years. We were developing what I thought was a great relationship when he began to be quite distant, not initiating contact with me and alternating between being enthusiastic or slow to respond when I contacted him. Eventually after me asking several times where things were at he opened up about his depression including that this time last year he had attempted to end his life. He was already receiving help at that time but since has been more closely managed and he is very aware of his situation. He has described the past year as him really just focussing on surviving, and has realised that he's not yet ready to get involved with anyone. He described having lost self esteem and confidence and not wanting to hurt me. My question is - as the person who he has been cut loose from a developing relationship, do I still try and keep in touch? I feel that we had begun to get quite close, and knowing that only a few people are aware of what he went though it makes me feel a sense of responsibility now that he has shared something so personal with me. I'm more than happy to be there in anyway that he needs, but I'm conscious of not wanting to make him feel pressured if really he would rather not have me around. I would like to hear based on other people experiences - how do you generally hope people you care about will respond when you push them away? Thanks