Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Hoping for advice with my best friend/partner who has depression

replies: 2

So I have a little back story that I think is relevant to the now: i was with my partner for seven years prior to a little breakup, a then reconnection, and then my year abroad. within the first few months of my time away, my partner (who I generally spend days on days with) started declining to talk, announcing that on that day we didn't feel right, but that would change the next time we spoke (weeks later, on his terms) We eventually broke up, he didn't speak with me excluding the 3 times he confessed his love to me, but he was with someone at the time. this person is also possibly important, because she's 5 years younger than both of us (she just turned 19) and completely out of the close friendship circle we shared. During the time they were together, he didn't really maintain contact with me or our friends. he expressed he was struggling emotionally throughout the year, and I guess that's why I kept allowing his actions, but not without some angry emails or snarky remarks on occasion. im now home, and he broke up with this person and said he had always loved me, but felt lonely and liked having her around. but every couple of days he expresses these feelings that things have changed, and he feels pressure to talk about anything to do with the future, and says that he misses her. Now he isn't on medication or seeing someone, but I have spoke with him occasionally about it, and I think he might tomorrow. But I want to see if anyone shares my thoughts, or if maybe I shouldn't try with the relationship. I feel like this person helped him escape feeling many things, and acknowledging guilt for how he treated people (because she runs in an entirely different crowd) and on his good days, we can talk about that relationship, and he tells me he didn't see a future. i don't know, I feel like I'm making him feel too much, and maybe being with someone that (if I'm honest) I don't think he cares as much for, might be better for him now. I think I just remind him of his really bad days this last year, when he said mean things. i think I expect too much of him, and that's obviously too hard for him to live with now.

Person with depression + person with anxiety

replies: 1

Hello everyone! So, I have suspected for a loooong time that I have an anxiety disorder (possibly GAD with previous Social Anxiety when I was little), and many of my close friends and family agree. I have recently started dating a person who has depression, and I just want to do my best to support him as well as I can. I do, however, realise that I worry a lot about them, how they're going, and if they're feeling okay. I just want to know that they're not getting too worried about me, but I do think that maybe I should be looked out for a little bit as well. I do not want to inflict the kind of anxious thoughts onto this person though that I have about them. How do I keep this relationship balanced? A person with depression plus a person with suspected anxiety. He really does look out for me, but he's very in tune with his own problems and how he's feeling. I don't want to be a burden, but I think I may need to be cared for as well. How can I make sure that I'm being looked out for as well?

Dealing with a depressed husband

replies: 1

Hi there,this is my first visit here. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. He has suffered anxiety and depression issues for most of his life but has only recently realised this is what it is. Recently, the doc has suggested that maybe there was something else at play, such as ADHD or Aspergers. (Both these affect our kids). The past 4 years have been particularly stressful, involving 2 moves, health issues with 3 of the kids, job loss and financial stress. He had been on medication for about a year and recently the doctor doubled this dose. He is quite difficult to live with at the moment. I don't think the medication is helping him. He has developed a stutter and seems to be severely depressed at times. I also think he is making poor choices and decisions. We have recently decided to seperate, although it is going to be a bit of a process because we have to sell our old property first, in order to afford two places. He is not dealing well with this. The other night he told me he had been talking to lifeline. I am really unsure what to do for him and how to ensure both our happiness. Looking forward to hearing any suggestions.

struggling with husband suffering from depression

replies: 3

My husband has struggled with depression as long as I've known him, anxiety also but that seems to be managed well with medication. We have a happy healthy 2 yr old, our own home, life should be pretty good. My husbands depression is not great again lately and I really struggle with it. He is an amazing dad without question 100% of the time. As a wife I find the lack of emotions so difficult, no sex drive, no enthusiam for anything. Sometimes I feel like Im carrying a brick behind me, dragging everything out of him , organising everything. I know that sounds bad, but some days I just wish someone would look after me. I cant help him and he wont/can't help himself. He hates therapy. I feel like im trapped between the life I wish for and this one. I love my husband and my family but I dont know how to help him and I also want to start getting the things I want out of life as well.

My Mentally ill daughter has to come home and my partner said No.

replies: 2

Well ,Have I done the correct thing, I had and was caring for my daughter from the ages of 18 to 27 at my property, but I feel she was pushed out by my partner of 8 years ,she was renting with her boyfriend who then became her carer ,basically there was no relationship between them . She now has to leave the property ,and has bipolar and every other mental illness ,My Partner does not want her here, and basically has 5 children of her own and I had 4,we now only have 2 of her kids here the rest have all left under different circumstances. I basically can not do this and have become extremely depressed in the last 2 weeks .And decided to end the relationship ,I could not live with myself at the thought of abandoning my Daughter. My partner also suffers from slight Bipolar, But she will not budge or offer any other solutions, Why could she have not said ,bring her back and we can sort something out, basically I just went into such a low. She did not have a good upbringing .

my husband

replies: 2

I have been with my husband for 8 years this year, I found out he was bipolar 2 years after we were together. He never told me and his mom told me she thought I knew already. Its been a wild ride.He left me 2 years after we were married for some one else and that was a big blow. I was crushed and did my best with our three children and to keep myself together. I was lucky that my mom was living w us at the time and she helped a lot w the kids . So after about 4 months he came and said he made a mistake and wanted to try again. So I did I loved him so much but I didn't love him like I use to in the beginning. It was hard , he continued to talk to girls I just blocked it out . he did a good job of hiding his trail but I found it .. I would confront him he would say sorry and he loved us and our family. I forgave him, I do feel dumb for doing it over and over and over. The past 1.5 years have been good. As far as i know he hasnt talked to anyone.. But he probably got better at hiding. He can lie straight to my face And be very convincing but I have now called him on it.The past couple of months I feel he isn't being honest, he is on instagram like and following young girls. and flirting he goes out on weekends with out me, spending all the money . Not paying bills etc. I work and my checks have been going to covering what he doesn't pay. I'm beyond mad. This happens two to 3 times a year . Im hurt cause I had a nice savings and I had to use it on bills. He never saves he makes us live pay check to pay check. And I'm just tried of it all. I just need advice maybe encouragement. I love him and our family. we do have a good marriage and enjoy each others company and do things. but when he is manic thats thats the hard part. But I'm tired of him making us broke All the time. I have taken over the budget, his mom has andwhen he can't to the money it Turn into a huge fight. his mom Use to help so much with talking to him, helping me w the kids, but about a month ago he went off on her and she has decided to step back . More of all helping talk to him. She says her relationship w her son is more important. I definitely understand where she is coming from. But she was the person I use to be able to talk about all this and now I don't. he will be Turning 30 next month. I have been telling him all this I don't keep anything from him. He knows how I'm feeling but it just doesn't get though.Sorry for rambling but it's good to get it out to someone else.

Husband not coping with role as a Father

replies: 5

After many arguments about the way my husband is parenting our 4 year old - verbally abusive and aggressive - my husband has finally admitted that he is not coping and know that he is playing out the way his Dad parented him. My husband is a shell of himself - drinking every afternoon, weight gain, generally pessimistic. Our constant arguments with me calling him on his aggressive behavior towards our Son are taking its toll on my and my feelings for him. He had decided to take a back seat to parenting and hand it all over to me - he feels as though his reactions are hard wired into him and he can't change so he will avoid the situation all together as he doesn't want to damage our Son like he has been damaged. I know that he is capable under neath it all and Ii want to help him out of this self loathing and constant state of hopelessness. He is a great provider and loving husband...but struggles in his role as Dad - we also have a new baby 4 months old. My husband has a history where his older Brother committed suicide and then his Mother consequently drank herself to death after the event. I know a lot of this not coping is stemming from all this un resolved past. He won't see someone or relationship counselling as I know he will feel attacked and feel like he is on trial and feel like he is a "bad person" further when he isn't coping already - he is open to me reading and trying to help. There is so much more and so many layers I don't even know where to start. Number one is that he will no longer be actively disciplining our Son and I will take over that main role to stop the cycle of abuse and stop the triggers for the situation getting out of hand. He can be such a loving Dad and thats the sad things its parenting under so many extreme up and down emotions. Intense Lover, Intense Anger and unrealistic expecations of a 4 year old. Sometimes I think I should just leave - but I love him and know that his past is now manifesting in the stressful time of young children and I am trying to put my expecations and hurt aside as to not just abandon him like so many before me such as his Mother and Aggresive Dad. Where the Hell do I begin?

Support vs expectations for daughter with depression & anxiety

replies: 4

My 17 year old daughter is currently undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety (medication, and counselling with a psychiatrist and with a psychologist). She has been self-harming for some time, and was recently hospitalised after a near suicide attempt (she wasn't physically hurt).Living with her is a delicate and exhausting balance of managing and responding to her emotions and mood swings. I am afraid to ask her to help out around the house, or to say no to a request as she becomes very angry and I am scared she will hurt herself. I also have a 6 month old baby and I just can't respond to her every request, such as lifts from school or to friends' houses, or attending every psych appointment with her. She is often argumentative, sullen or rude and seems to expect that we accept this as part of her illness. Once again, I'm scared to broach this with her as I fear it will trigger a relapse. My husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by it all and it's starting to put a strain on our relationship. I am struggling to figure out the balance between support and understanding, and having some reasonable expectations for her helping us and treating us with respect, even if she is feeling low. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Tips for supporting a friend

replies: 1

I'm extremely concerned about my best friend. She's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, seen a doctor and has been prescribed anti-depressants but I'm not 100% sure if she's still taking them. I've recently moved to the same city as her and I think it's back. In the past month she's had a couple of melt downs where she says she doesn't feel good enough for anyone and that she's a waste of space. I've tried talking to her about it, expressing my concerns, and trying to tell her that she isn't and that there are people who love and care about her. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to sink in because I think her doubts get the better of her. She's also been telling me she's been feeling sick all the time and has been vomiting - which is now affecting her weight. I'm not sure what to do next. I try to tell her to seek help, but she palms it off as having a bad day or being tired/stressed. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

Detecting depression

replies: 4

I think my friend has depression but I'm not sure. how do i tell?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Hoping for advice with my best friend/partner who has depression replies: 2

Person with depression + person with anxiety replies: 1

Dealing with a depressed husband replies: 1

struggling with husband suffering from depression replies: 3

My Mentally ill daughter has to come home and my partner said No. replies: 2

my husband replies: 2

Husband not coping with role as a Father replies: 5

Support vs expectations for daughter with depression & anxiety replies: 4

Tips for supporting a friend replies: 1

Detecting depression replies: 4