When is it bad behaviour & when is it depression & anxiety?

[Loulou91]

Would love some help with how to deal with my sister who has depression & anxiety. We've had a pretty crap relationship for years & we're very different. I think she has had jealousy towards me and when she was quite unwell a few years back she blamed me for her self harm (think I'm a bit scared from this to be honest). We've tried to work on our relationship many times but just cannot seem to make it work. I feel like she is rude, awkward to be around, never interested in how I am, and blows up at small things so feel like I need to walk on egg shells around her. Most recent example was a family dinner, where she barely spoke to me and completely ignored my husband (she's never seemed to like him but we don't know why). She put this down to her depression saying she wasn't feeling sociable, but she's almost always like this with me. The fact she doesn't speak to my husband makes it even harder for me to 'like' her, for lack of a better word. She seems to think she should be treated differently because of her mental health conditions. 

i don't know how much should let slide because of metal health conditions, and how much I shouldn't put up with ?? Like I said this has been going on for years.

we're currently both pregnant with our first babies, and it so sad we just can't get on. But I just don't know what to do anymore.

[white knight]

Welcome loulou91 to beyond blue forums

There are many possibilities. Jealousy could be one, rivalry another, it would be hard to tell.

My suggestion is distance. It would be great if you both have your children and spend time with each other. This could work if you both havent seen each other for some days beforehand for example.

As for your husband and her not liking him, she doesnt have to. You married him not her. This is common and , well, thats life. One day she might take the time to get to know him. Until then dont expect her to reach out.

My siblings and I had issues. My brother likely had bipolar (he passed in 1979) and I shared a bedroom with him as a child. My sister depression and I have bipolar 2, dysthymia, depression etc. And this friction or abrasiveness occured frequently. Stability wasnt present. So your sisters condition may well explain a lot. But its her condition and she has to continue treatment and medication review to get the best recovery she can get. Up and down moods however will cause trouble with all of her relationships. It is a case of keeping your distance IMO without her realising, otherwise its yet another cause of another upset. Walking on egg shells is the result and it isnt a nice way to maintain a relationship with your sister..

Tony WK

[Pixie15]

Hi Loulou91,

It is an interesting question that you pose.

I have read a book titled "Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age" which argues for the bad behavior at least in some cases. It was written by George K Simon.

thanks,

Pixie.

[Doolhof]

Hi Loulou 91,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. Thanks for sharing your story here.

If you were to look through the other forums under relationships, I am sure you will find so many people struggling with relationships due to their own depression or because of the depressive ways of family and friends.

I suffer from depression and sometimes it can be quite horrible. When it is very bad I warn my husband that I am having a terrible day. I( know that I act totally unreasonably sometimes and I try to curb it, but it is not always easy to do so.

In many relationships we tend to take out our anger and frustration on the people we love or who are closest to us.

My Mum has suffered from depression and possibly other mental health disorders all my life. Some of her actions and behaviours are awful at times, but trying to say anything to Mum just causes untold problems, so we as a family have learnt to just let it slide.

Is this the right thing to do? In this case I think it is. I don't think Mum has any idea how much she hurts people.

You sister may never change. We can not change other people. You can change how you think and feel towards your sister. I don't like the way Mum acts and behaves, but she is my Mum. I try to not let her actions hurt me.

Maybe having babies at the same time will bring you closer together. Be aware though that hormones are going to be racing through both of you and I am wondering if you might need to keep an eye on your sister after the birth for Post Natal Depression. It may not happen, but if she is already depressed, then who knows!

Love yourself and your husband, look forward to your baby and accept your sister for who she is, not for who you wish she was.

If her actions and behaviours are too bothersome, then by all means tell her so. Maybe she does need a reminder now and then that she can't treat people the way she does.

Hope some of this helps. Cheers for now and all the best for your pregnancy,

from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Loulou, thanks for coming to the BB forum, and posting your concern'.

You're had some great replies from all those great people above me, but your sister is jealous of you, and for whatever reason that is she will keep to herself, otherwise it could be discussed, but if she doesn't want to do this then there's not much you can do, no matter how hard you try.

Siblings don't always get on, like my two sons are not talking to each other, much to my disappointment and this includes my ex, who doesn't like the fact that they are arguing, but this has happened before.

My ex and myself can try and convince them it's really silly to be feeling this way, but no matter how much we talk to them it won't improve until both of them 'makes up', whereas in your situation you have shown that you want to be friends with your sister, but she is refusing.

I don't know who is the older sister, because there are so many things that can create jealousy.

With me I won't or try not to have any contact with one sister in law, because all she does is ask me question after question non stop, doesn't take a break, everything about me, my sons and even my ex, am I working and the list just continues, so she is one cause why I don't go to any family celebrations, because she heads straight to me when I walk in, and yes I do dislike this very much.

Don't try and force to have any communication with her, because she may reject you, and then this will upset you, you both are having babies so enjoy your time with them, and what happens in the future no one knows. L Geoff. x