Engaged to anxious fiancé, antidepressants have killed our love life

Apples12 · ‎31-03-2015

I'm five months away from getting married to my beautiful lovely man. Together five years, living together for four. Eight months ago he went on antidepressants. Our love life dried up not much later. In the last six months we've had sex less than a handful of times. It's not just the sex. The intimacy is gone too. The cuddles, snuggles, warmth. It's all forced now. How can I not ask myself the question of whether getting married is the right thing? I hate that this is happening during our engagement, what should be a happy time in our lives, and I hate that all I can think about is how it's affecting me. I try to do and say the right thing for him, but I feel like I'm failing. I'm fearful that this is not a phase. I'm fearful that it's only going to get worse. How do we get through this without me looking selfish? How do I stop being so selfish? Am I right to be concerned?

geoff · ‎31-03-2015

dear Apples, welcome to the BB site, but with a concerning post that you are so worried about.

There are some antidepressants that some people have reported on this site that some have seemed to decrease someone's sexual desire, so there are a couple of issues here; firstly I would go with him to his doctor and and say what is happening, and maybe the doc may want to give him another type of AD which normally doesn't affect any sexual activity.

However if nothing changes then I would defer the wedding or postpone it, because by thinking that if you did get married it would all change, is not the way to go, because you will be unhappy, marriage won't fix the problem.

I would also suggest that the both of you have some counselling together, but I would like to know how his personality has been in the last few months, whether he has been subdued, quiet and not wanting to do anything, or whether it's just his sexual desire and I know that you have said he doesn't want to cuddle and snuggle you has just happened since he started taking these AD.

All of this is very important so I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

White_Rose · ‎03-04-2015

Dear Apples

What a horrid situation you are in. Yes, this should be a great time for you and your fiancée. So welcome to Beyond Blue where we can talk openly about the things in life that distress us.

You say your fiancée is taking ADs. What are they for? I know that sounds like an obvious question but it is important that you are clear about the reason. Is he depressed, worried and anxious, has something like post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or some other illness? These are all different conditions and require different treatments. And that includes the way you respond to him.

So first step, why the AD. Second step, is he receiving any help for his illness? Since he has prescription medication he must be seeing (presumably) his GP. Anyone else?

Step three, find out all you can about what ails him. BB has an extensive library of information. Explore the tabs at the top of the page and read the fact sheets etc. There is information for carers and family as well. You can download this information or ask for it to be posted to you. Education is vital if you are serious about helping him.

Your man may not be one for talking about his feelings so it is up to you to gently coax him to talk.One of the biggest difficulties for the depressed person is to describe their feelings and thoughts. You need to accept what he says as being truthful. He is not trying to be difficult, hurt you, be an attention seeker or exaggerate his illness. Depression, and I use this illness for convenience as it is so common, is really quite dreadful and definitely as potentially life threatening as other medical conditions.

Educate yourself, believe what you are told because it is all true, accept him as he is at the moment and support and comfort him to the best of your ability. As Geoff has remarked, medication can suppress the libido. That's an unfortunate side effect but will go away when he gets off the ADs. Or perhaps his doctor will change them.

If his depression has been going on for eight months and he has no help from a psychologist then it's time to remedy this.Ask the GP to make a mental health plan for your man. This will give him ten free or low cost sessions with a psychologist. If he needs more sessions he will have to pay. Do you have private medical insurance? Some of these will cover part of the psychology costs. Medicare may also cover some of the cost just like a GP visit, but not both together.

I have said heaps. Think it over and get back to us.

Mary

Apples12 · ‎10-04-2015

Thank you Geoff and Mary. I was quite distressed when I wrote the other night.

I have asked F repeatedly to let me see his gp with him, but he says no. All he tells me is that the gp said he has a "mood disorder". I don't know whether to distrust the gp - what kind of doctor prescribes antidepressants but doesn't create a mental health plan for his patients? Or whether F isnt telling the doctor the whole story. Hence why I want to go. To learn more about the situation. But I am not allowed. It also doesn't help I think that the doctor just gave him months worth of repeats. Says to come back in six weeks, but I don't think F has seen his doctor in 6 months. There is no consistency and when I try to bring that up - I'm the bad guy.

There has been no visits to psychologists, though I have suggested it multiple times, even suggested couples counseling. All met with No. F says he knows talking won't help him.

So I don't know? I've tried to do the right thing but apparently I sound like a nag?! Has anyone else experienced this reticence? I just want him - and us - to get better. But how do you help someone who won't help themselves?

geoff · ‎11-04-2015

dear Apples, thanks for getting back to us, and from what you have said it seems as though you're not getting anywhere at all, and actually who are you to believe, and I mean no harm in saying this to your future husband, and you're doing everything possible to connect with him, but will he want to see another doctor, and I probably know the answer to this.

If a doctor wants someone to take antidepressants it shouldn't be just a case of just writing a script for their first AD, he should be trying to help understand the thoughts of your future husband, and someone who could be in denial somehow believes that talking will never help, and this included me initially.

I know where you are sitting in this situation, but it's up to me to tell you what you should be doing.

I would like to ask you a question, but at the moment I don't feel as though it's appropriate, because this situation is difficult, so please keep talking to us. L Geoff. x