Not sure how much more I can take

[Quiettall]

Hi there

My wife and I recently retired and moved interstate to be nearer her extended family. She has major illnesses (diabetes and heart) which is enough to deal with but now as a result of her mother passing away 2 years ago, she is suffering major grief and depression. Her once close family has fractured over the estate that was badly handed by the oldest brother. This fracturing of the family has not helped as she expected when we returned "home", everyone would welcome her with open arms.

 The exact opposite has happened where previous friends and many of her family has npt bothered to meet up. There is all sorts of intrigues (real and imaginery) betwene the siblings which has also consumed her.

 I am trying so hard to be supportive, but she is constantly withdrawing, treating me with suspicion or as someone she needs to control and dominate. 

It has got to the point where I've been looking for short term breaks away to get some fresh air for myself, give  her space and inject some positive new experiences back into the marriage. I even suggested we pack up anbd do some short term tours around Australia....as she is a totally different more relaxed person when we are on holidays.

 I am not sure what next I can do..I am seeking an appointm,ent with our GP to see if I can get a referral to a clinical psychologist as its starting to effect my wellbeing and I'm constantly feeling anxious and depressed over it.

[white knight]

Hi Quiettall,  welcome here to beyond blue forums

You are on the right track for treatment so continue there.

As for family splits with wills etc this is quite common and has happened to my family, my mother and my uncle 25 years ago. I could say that time heals and as its only been 2 weeks, allow a lot lot more.

What is a major concern is your wife's attitude towards you. Best to leave that to the psychologist IMO.

Keep going fishing and keep being supportive. It will pay off in the end.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Qitetall,

I too would like to Welcome you to Beyond Blue. White Knight has offered some good suggestions for you, you need to keep up your own happiness so you can cope with how your wife is reacting to all that is happening around her.

Seeking out medical help for her is a good step, and may help you too if you chat with a counsellor to work out your own emotions and feelings and also discuss ways to better help and understand your wife.

Is it possible for you to suggest that you and your wife meet various friends and family either at home or at a restaurant or café. Not altogether, but one group at a time.

People don't always reach out to us like we might expect them to, sometimes they need to be invited.

Death of a family member can bring out the best or the worst of people. Hopefully the situation will improve but it may not either. Help your wife to keep in touch with people she wants to see but not to become entwined in the blame game.

Taking your wife out on short trips could well help her. She may benefit from distractions and realising that life can be good.

Look after yourself as well.

Hope this has been of some help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Quiettall]

thanks Tony for your advice. I am still persisting and as it has been 2 years since Mum's death, I know it will take more time but I feel she has to take some responsibility for it too, rather than blame the rest of the family and take it out on them and me. 

[Quiettall]

Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement. I often suggest we go out for a drive or day or lunch or afternoon tea. She will readily go off to the shops, but as we are on self funded retirement we need to watch how much discretionary spending we do. As for suggesting we get together with her family, I have repeatedly suggested to her that we meet on neutral territory with one at a time over lunch or a cuppa and put their cards on the table to see whether there is room for mutual healing. She steadfastly refuses, saying she does not see why she should reach out to them as they have disappointed her. I will persist with this suggestion as I also knew and loved her Mum and would be sure her Mum would turn in her grave if she saw how fractured the family is at the moment.

[Quiettall]

It was an interesting weekend where my sister stayed with us for four days. She was stunned at how verbally and emotionally aggressive my wife was. I mentioned this to my wife and she totally denied it and burst into tears, saying how she was sick of having me insist I be treated with respect rather than either ignored or bossed around.

I'n still persisting with the doctor's appointment and as my sister has just left, I will be interested to see whether things change between us.

Instead of letting my wife stay up all night and watch tv or get on the computer, last night, I insisted she come back to bed and massaged her back until such time as she fell back to sleep. She didnt wake up until 7am which was late for us

[Quiettall]

Just had an interesting conversation with my wife, where she made it clear that she will not attend the doctor or any referred psychologists unless I accompany her as she feels I am the problem. I have indicated to her that the ongoing dispute and gossiping about her family members needs to stop, that I dont want to be involved and am no longer willing to participate in this whether it be at our home or elsewhere. She has taken that as me having no care for her and another sign of me withdrawing from her. Funny how some people perceive it when a line is drawn and I find I have to stand up against things I find uncomfortable and unproductive in either our relationship or between us and her family members. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Quitetall,

Sometimes it is very hard for a person to see or to accept that they may be part or all of the problem!

My Mum has made life a bit of a nasty place to be when she is around for most of my life, but she does not recognise this at all. If anyone of us dares to mention anything to her, it is like she explodes and can't accept the fact at all.

If I was you, I would take your wife to the Dr and attend the appointment with her. The problem is though, even if you both attend counselling together, your wife is going to need to see that she has to make changes in herself.

We can not change anyone! They have to need to accept their own faults and then change.

I've had depression for ages and have been wanting my husband to come to counselling so he can understand how I am feeling and that if he were able to make a few changes our marriage could be so different.

I know I have problems, but my husband was not willing to see that he could have any part in our communication breakdown.

We attended one session of counselling and it went very well, then the counsellor left that place of work and now my husband says we are fine and we don't need to go any where else!

Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall, so I understand the frustration you must be feeling also.

Regarding the family, can you organise to visit them yourself if you want to stay in contact with them?

I do understand your wife's point of view in relation to being depressed, trying to do anything when you feel like that can be so difficult. But it would be good if she tried to make an attempt.

Hope some of this makes sense!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Quiettall]

Thank you for your advice. It is very much appreciated and will be put into practice

[Doolhof]

Hi Quitetall,

I am hoping that you and your wife can work things out and that she will realise she needs to make an effort for issues to be sorted.

Hope you have a nice Easter break.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools