should i stay or should i go?

[lunadora]

My partner, sorry ex partner, and i both have depression. Mine is anxiety based his is motivational.

When we first got together he was honest about being depressed. Aside from not working or trying to find work it didnt seem to impact his life. 

After 6 or so months his parents started pushing for him to find work. He started withdrawing and was very focused on us. He was ALWAYS affectionate so that was nothing new.

We started small. Put together a resume, do some courses and make effort to find work. It was progress. We decided together to go and talk to a doc. 

Our doc asked us to do therapy. We both declined. we did try medication. We have difficulty communicating.

About 6 weeks in to the medication i felt disconnected. I started clinging because i was scared. He got more spacey. When i asked about it he said to hug and kiss him when i wanted. He would half hug me. Turn away. There was something wrong. But he kept telling me there wasnt. 

We've had issues with housecleaning. I'm a cleaner He isnt. A few weeks ago just beforea family dinner i exploded. And he told me that when i clean i make him want to kill himself (he later put this is context and explained it make him feel worthless and useless). 

I realised that by giving him a list of chores was too much. I started to ask him to do a small thing each day. wash the cutlery. fold the clothes.One day i came home and he had made the bed, put the garbage out and i hadn't asked.

We got along better. Were talking again. But i missed the intimacy. Last Wednesday i cracked. I told him it felt like he had put me in the friendzone and i just needed to know if that was how he felt.

He didnt know how he felt and said he wanted to take a few days to work out how he feels about me. We acted the same, getting better. yesterday morning while laying a foot from bed he SMS's me:

Hey. It's been an awesome weekend and I love hanging out with you. It's been nice. Chillin and watching tv. Go karting and last night was awesome. I want to be really good friends and house mates if you want but I can't give you any of the romance or sexual stuff. I'm sorry... And I'm sorry to txt I just can't bring myself to speak

He said he cares about me but he doesnt love me anymore then tried to hug me.

He has asked me to stay in the house if i want. But should i be there to continue to support him through this because i love him even if we are not in a relationship? Or should i leave because he doesn't want me anymore?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi lunadora,

I think you already know the answer to your question.

There is no shortage of people that post on here trying to justify being in a relationship they find unsatisfactory on the basis that the other person "needs" them. No one is responsible for any other persons feelings, we are each responsible for our own.

If you are happy to stay on as a flat mate, knowing that it will not be the relationship you want, you can do that but will have to take responsibility for your feelings around that decision and accept them.

If it is not enough for you, go and find what you are looking for. Ask yourself where will you be in a month? Or a year? What is he finds someone else and brings her to your home? (The flatmates rule book permits booty calls.)

Try to think through where it is heading, maybe talk to someone here on the 1300 number or read the posts of others. What happens next is entirely up to you!

Good luck. Kind regards. John.

[Pixie15]

Hi lunadora,

I would probably support CrashCoyote said in the previous post.

You have no need to feel obligated to stay and support him. As you said yourself your needs are not getting met in the relationship. And it sounds like he has been taking advantage of you a bit with all the cleaning difficulties. I would say you have every right to say adios.

The only thing I wonder is why it is you that has to find a new place to live. Is this something he has assumed or has he a prior right to the residence.

Christine.

[White_Rose]

Hello Lunadora

You have received two posts already saying you know what to do and I agree with both. You are being taken advantage of.

Especially I agree with Christine on why you need to leave. If he is not working presumably he is not paying the rent, you are.  If the lease is in your name and you leave you will still be responsible for the rent until it is changed. However, if it is in his name then just cut your losses and find another residence. He will come to his senses when he cannot pay the rent and you will not be around to be persuaded to pay it.

Courage mon ami, as Poirot says.

Mary

[lunadora]

We are house sitting at his grandparents place. 

[lunadora]

Thanks everyone for all your support.

Firstly, the house is his grandparents and we've been house sitting so it is me than needs to go. But thats ok. 

i guess everyone's support of me leaving is hard because it is really not what i wanted to hear. I was hoping for some success stories of people who have come back together and worked it out. I know that's a bit naieve but one can hope.

I want him to change his mind. And im scared that if I'm gone he'll accept that and even if he gets some help and changes his mind, he'll assume it's never gonna happen and not even try.

[Pixie15]

Hi lunadora,

I can understand that if you love this guy you do not want to give up on the relationship because he is suffering from depression. If you want to stay living with him I would suggest it might be a good idea to make it dependent on your both getting help to deal with your depression and anxiety.

You wrote in your first post that you had both tried medication on the doctors advice and both declined therapy. Can you try going back to your doctor again to talk about your options. It may be that your anxiety is preventing you from making a choice which is necessary for your own welfare.

I am also not sure what you meant by your ex-partner having motivational depression. Is that what the doctor told you both?

You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. 

Christine.

[sammmm]

hey lunadora

i think if you are still unsure you should try talking more with him about the situation. also give him more time. i dont think he is taking advantage of you. from past experience (not saying this applies to you as everyone is different) a male that doesn't like to talk about what they are feeling will withdraw from you and you will be left wondering why..

he might be feeling like he doesn't deserve your help (judging from the house cleaning).

he could be over thinking about something he hasn't even mentioned. he maybe feeling all different emotions but unsure how to deal with them.

if you are unsure about something he has said maybe ask him to explain it more, something might come to light that will make your decision easier.

you are the only one that knows the exact situation so you are the only one that can decide. 

[lunadora]

Thanks again for all your thoughts.

 I have recently started therapy and i gotta say so far it has done wonders for me. To the point where yday my ex commented on how well I've been doing.

 Our doctor initially told us that his depression was primarily surrounding motivation. Everything seemed like too big of a task for him to find a starting point so he just didnt.

 So far I've stayed. But I've left him to do his own thing. I haven't been cleaning up after him, coddling him or doing anything extra. The change in him has been remarkable. But he is also sending me alot of mixed signals:

- has spent 2 days and nights watching tv series with me

- draped his legs over me

- slipped up and called me baby but didnt correct himself

- did dishes while i was cooking dinner

- brought me home a surprise (the particular hot crossed buns i like)

This makes it all a bit hard but at the same time a bit easier too. While I'm shattered he no longer wanted to be together im also feeling a bit more like its really not my fault.

[geoff]

dear Lunadora, well there have been some great replies back to you, but what you have learnt from this is what you said in last sentence, ' its really not my fault'.

Firstly you don't have any financial obligation to stay with him, and although he has surprised you by doing certain activities and bringing home some hot cross buns (not only for you but also for himself ), but over time it will prove whether he still wants to change or not, but I hold my breath, and I'm sorry to say that.

L Geoff. x