Not Sure How To Support My Depressed Husband Anymore

[Casper89]

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years- we were high school sweethearts. We have been married for the last two. We have always been each other's rocks and have been very dependant on each other.

Over the last 6 months, my husband has said that he has been disillusioned with our love and he now "loves me, but isn't in love with me". This came to ahead about 6 weeks ago when he confessed he had feelings for someone else, someone he works with. He was feeling so guilty about these feelings that he has now been diagnosed with depression. He's struggling with the idea that we are no longer each other's future. He tells me that he feels he can't make me happy and that I should move on because he won't love me in the way I deserve. He doesn't want to go on meds which I support and he is seeing a psychologist- he's had one session so far.

Yesterday he told me that the only thing that makes him happy is seeing this other woman. I love him and want him to be happy so I am trying to accept this decision that he is going to see her more. I am going to stay with friends for a while so that we can have a bit of space because I am really struggling to deal with all of this.

i want to be nothing but encouraging and supporting and I fear that if I give him space, he will see this as me moving on and drive him to the other woman. I feel betrayed in so many ways, but I love him and I just want to him to let me help him. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not the person that makes him happy anymore.

Any advice will be so greatly appreciated.

[geoff]

dear Casper, I'd like to welcome you this site, and would like to tell you that you are a remarkable lady, because not too many men or women would feel the same as you do, let alone act in the same way.

From what you have said seems to be a 'foregone conclusion' that your husband only wants his new girlfriend, because by saying he 'loves me, but isn't in love with me' is two totally different meanings, as I still love my ex but I'm not in love with her any more, and my offer of helping her in a situation would depend totally on what the problem was.

Your offer to help him will depend on the situation, such as if he breaks up with her as well, then he may come to you seeking re-assurance, and whether you accept him then is totally up to you.

The success rate of men meeting a new women while they are married doesn't have a great success rate, and then return wanting forgiveness from their wife, so some take them back while others don't and reject them.

I feel for you that he has suddenly left you, and run into the arms of another women, and I maybe brutal in saying it that way, so please excuse me for doing so, but let your love for him stay as only being loving him, because to be in love will never work out, and he will only seek help when it suit him, not you.

Sorry but close the door, as there will be other loving men who would just love to have a lady like you, because you deserve it. L Geoff. x

[Pixie15]

Hi Casper89,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. You will find in the resource sections publications on "Women and Separation" and "The beyondblue guide for carers" which you will find are useful resources.

I do not want to be harsh but if your partner has found someone new I am not sure what you can do to support him. It would seem to me that he will be turning to this new person for support. I do not think that depression is a good excuse for being unfaithful. I think it is fairly normal for relationships to change from the first being in love feelings to something more mature.

It might be a good idea for you to seek some counselling yourself, just to sort out your own feelings, unless you want your life to put into some sort of holding pattern while he works out whether this other relationship is the one.

thanks,

Pixie.