How do I protect my kids whilst caring for my husband with depression

[HtamAE]

First time posting!

My husband has had issues with alcohol for many many years. Recently he has been diagnosed with depression. This is the second time he has been put on meds. He has had one phone counselling session with a work provided counsellor but that is it.

There has been quite a few times recently where he has dropped the ball as a parent. Twice in the last month i have had phone calls at work from my daughters and sons childcare after closing time to say they haven't been picked up. Both times my husband was at home passed out on the couch. His response both times was to say that it is all part of his depression and I  should be more sympathetic. He responds with attack, name calling and blame instead of remorse which makes it harder for me to be sympathetic.

I have said to him that he should go away and seek better help for the sake of the kids and I will take 100% responsibility for the kids but he sees that as me taking the kids away from him. He is unwilling to accept that he isnt up to parenting (even though he admits that the depression makes him feel irresponsible) but says that because he is depressed I should just accept it.

Now I am heartless because I have said that if he wont move out (albeit temporarily) I will move out with the kids. Everything is my fault. I feel trapped because logistically I can't leave the kids with him without the fear of him getting drunk,passing out on the couch and something happening to the kids, but he wont leave. Previously when I have gone away for dinner, I have come home to our front door wide open and him passed out on the couch. I am terrified something one day will happen so now I dont go anywhere.

Am I being selfish for putting the kids first? How do I get him to see that while I am happy for him to put himself first I have to put the kids first?

[JessF]

Hello Htam, we had a similar post recently but without a complication of an alcoholic husband. In that instance, I did feel that the wife was being a bit harsh, but in your case your children's safety is genuinely at risk. He can't be trusted to look after them on his own, and I believe you are right to make an ultimatum and move out with the kids while he seeks help. By all means, support him through that process, and make sure he understands that you are not doing this as a punishment but because of the facts - use recent examples like the door wide open scenario.

There are many stories around of partners not being supportive enough, but in this case I'm not sure what your husband expects you to do when he is neglecting the children. 

[JessF]

Just to add, perhaps you could try explaining to your husband that this idea is in his best interests too, because you know he would never forgive himself were the children to have an accident or be hurt while he was passed out.  I know it's hard, but there are ways you can put it in a sympathetic way without it seeming accusatory or damning.

[HtamAE]

Thanks JessF for your reply.

Things seem to have deteriorated to a point where he just curses and name calls. Last night after drinking half a case of beer he just messaged from the other room all night despite me begging him to stop. When I didnt respond or tried to ignore it he would start yelling as he knew i wouldnt want him to wake the kids. He bounces from being convinced there is no problem to accusing me of not caring for him in his time of need. I am ruining our families lives, i am giving up on him. He told me that I should be sticking around to help fix the problem. I can't fix him. I am scared that if i just pack the kids up and leave he will make a scene and our kids will be traumatised forever.  He has said that if I try to take the kids he will fight me and do anything it takes to stop me. He said last night that I would never get away. I wasnt sure if he meant that seriously or not but it rang true.

[JessF]

Hello Htam, very sad to hear that things have gotten worse. This is becoming more and more a safety issue for you and the children, I fear, and you need to put yourself and them first so you can then support your husband (as much as you are able to). Are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor, or even your GP at the moment? I would recommend this, as you need support because this is taking its toll on you.

Apart from this, is it possible for you to sit down and have a quiet talk with your husband at a time when he hasn't been drinking, and go through what needs to happen next? 

It doesn't sound like he is in a position to be rational at the moment, especially when drinking. You are not 'taking the kids', or cutting off his access to them, after all, but in his current state he is seeing it this way and seems to be feeling like he is the victim. You can't change the way he feels, or make him seek help, so best to focus on the things you can control for now.  Get help for yourself, look after the children, and try to keep the lines of communication open as best you can.  Write things down if need be, outline things in a letter or email that he can read when he is sober.