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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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RoseS How can I help my 26 year old daughter?
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I am new to these forums, and I just need some help/guidance on how I can best help my daughter. She has depression and is on medication. She is also seeing a therapist. She graduated from uni three years ago but hasn't had a full time job/... View more

Hi there, I am new to these forums, and I just need some help/guidance on how I can best help my daughter. She has depression and is on medication. She is also seeing a therapist. She graduated from uni three years ago but hasn't had a full time job/career. There are many issues here, like not really knowing what she wants to do, all of her friends have careers, feeling like a failure, feeling lonely, not having ever had a serious relationship, still living at home. She has a great group of friends, and she has made great progress this year, but there are always days when she just feels so sad, cries a lot, stays in her room, and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me. I am so worried about her. I know I can't push her about looking for a job, but sometimes I just get frustrated and lose it as well...I am going through menopause so that isn't helping, I work full time with a very stressful job...which I feel like just quitting so I can just help her get better. It's when she calls me and she can't stop crying that I feel so helpless. thx RoseS

LML "I seem to be so far down the list..."
  • replies: 12

Even tho the last year has almost solely been spent on diagnosing & getting DH to treatment I'm still listening to repeated (important) statements that i'm not sure how to address. From him... How do i know what you really want I seem to be so far do... View more

Even tho the last year has almost solely been spent on diagnosing & getting DH to treatment I'm still listening to repeated (important) statements that i'm not sure how to address. From him... How do i know what you really want I seem to be so far down that list. Where is the space between sewing, quilting, swimming etc There is no space While I have undoubtedly filled spaces where he was napping morning , afternoon & night, I need to keep myself fit & healthy, my craft work is pleasurable,productive & protects me from depression & brain rot as it's applied maths. i understand he doesn't have such pleasures at the moment,however my pleasures don't take away from his. PS hes still not back home or making any attempts to do so, hes also stopped couples therapy but is seeing a psychiatrist at least monthly & is re-trying mood stabilizers with a slower increase in dose. Thanks for your help in advance

concerned_boyfriend My partner is pushing me away
  • replies: 4

Me and my partner have been living with each other for 18mnth now and during these 18mnths we have been blossomed. Last year in April she was diagnosed with crohns disease and was prescribed with steroids to help cure, since then it has helped and sh... View more

Me and my partner have been living with each other for 18mnth now and during these 18mnths we have been blossomed. Last year in April she was diagnosed with crohns disease and was prescribed with steroids to help cure, since then it has helped and she was feeling better but as time went on she would get real down and ask why would I want to be with her and that I would be so much happier without her she has also been crying and is unable to cope with simple tasks in work uni and family, ofcourse I try and tell her I'm not leaving and I'm here to support her and after a week of her being down she would pick back up. This year tho has been hard she has been ill in other ways and it's her final year in uni, in the last month she has had a couple days where she is happy but mostly down, she has been saying thing like " your being so distent to me " and saying thing like she exhausted and soo tired and always crying I think she has major depression, in the last week she has said she inst sure about our relationship and feels I'm so much better without her and has turned around and said she doesn't want to renew q lease with me with our lease running out in q month these decisions just coming out of no where. I'm very lost atm I have come to the fact our relationship won't last and I'm alright with that due to support with my family but I'm scared she will never get help and with her family who are so against the idea of councillors and psychologists saying they are for crazy people. I'm scared she will always be like this, I would love to stay with her but even if we don't I still care for her. My question is how do I convince her to see someone about her problems before they get worse and given the fact she's very family orientated and lives by what they say how do I persuade she has a problem and she needs professional help Thankyou

syvio Torn
  • replies: 2

My husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees for years. Since moving to Australia a few years ago, I have stayed home with the children. My husband is very hard working but has limited input with our kids and the household. He has just ... View more

My husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees for years. Since moving to Australia a few years ago, I have stayed home with the children. My husband is very hard working but has limited input with our kids and the household. He has just agreed to get treatment which is an extremely positive step and I am very happy that he is doing this. I have the opportunity to go back to work but the role is as a first responder and this would require my husband to take a primary care role with the kids. I would have to work shift work I am extremely concerned about how this will affect him and the children. I have tried for over a year to get this position and really want it for myself. However, my children have to be my primary concern. Am I being selfish to go for this? Is it unfair and unrealistic to expect my husband to cope with this extra pressure? As immigrants, we have no family to help out with childcare. My children are extremely distressed at the prospect of me going to work and my husband has said he would prefer I stay home. Can therapy make a big difference and is it a possibility that my husband might be better able to cope? Am I best to forget about the job and look after my family? I would really appreciate some advice.

gnocchi Long Distance Support
  • replies: 5

I'm not sure how to deal with things anymore. I'm on student exchange for a year and my boyfriend back home in Australia seems to be getting depressed. He's been feeling down consistently since I left in January. We talk most days, and recently we st... View more

I'm not sure how to deal with things anymore. I'm on student exchange for a year and my boyfriend back home in Australia seems to be getting depressed. He's been feeling down consistently since I left in January. We talk most days, and recently we started writing fiction together, which I thought perked him up a bit, but I'm not sure any more. I'm not sure how much I'm helping, either, because I'm not in such a great state, either - I had severe anxiety in the few months before I left the country (which I got out the other end of mostly thanks to my bf, because my parents had just left to live overseas), and emotionally I've been constantly up and down ever since. I skype my parents more or less every day, and then I tend to pass on whatever advice they give me on to my bf, because I don't know what else to do. We've considered telling someone back home that he's struggling, but he's too nervous to tell anyone, and feels guilty about having me do it, and I feel really anxious about the prospect of talking to people back home about anything, which makes me feel guilty. He was going to go to a counsellor, but the ones at uni are completely booked up for months, and I tried suggesting the gp, but I don't think he went, and I don't want to push him. I'm just so scared that he won't get any help and no one will even know anything was wrong. All the information I read talks about how important it is to get help early, but all I'm seeing is him suffering and not telling anyone but me, and I'm not going to be back until at least November, and probably later because I want to visit my parents for christmas. I just want to go home and hug him...

The_storm_nexus Alcohol and depression
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, first time posting on here although I have been observing for a while i need some help. My partner of 3 years has been suffering from depression and a mix bag of anxiety issues for many years now. In the past 6 months or so, things have ... View more

Hi everyone, first time posting on here although I have been observing for a while i need some help. My partner of 3 years has been suffering from depression and a mix bag of anxiety issues for many years now. In the past 6 months or so, things have gotten much worse as we have had to move back into her parents house to save money (not a great environment) and she has had to quit her job as her mental health problems were causing her too much stress in the job she was in. Up until bout three months ago we would have been living in a codependent relationship as I was assured that her issues were not bad and she was fine, while actually I was enabling anxious and depressed behavior. But I realised things were getting bad so I started researching about the subject and have since been attempting to turn things around. As you can imagine I am dealing with a lot of resistance. The guilt trips I can deal with. The abuse I can deal with. The silent treatment I can deal with. My problem is this, when we first met I was drinking fairly heavily. She was the rock/support/stop gap I needed to help me tailor my drinking down to much more manageable levels. now I'm fine, but one of the boundaries I'm trying to set is that it's ok for me to go out with friends without her. She sees it as an attempt by me to escape from her and has used my past alcohol problems to stop me in my tracks saying that it's all just an excuse to go back to my old ways. Am I? I don't intend to. But at the same time, there should be nothing wrong with going camping for the weekend with the boys and having a few drinks. If I say that I promise not to drink that's just pandering to anxieties and I'm back at square one, enabling her. What do I do? I don't think I'm being an alcoholic but if the general concensus is that I am I can accept it. One of the things that I have to remember is that it's hard to diagnose from the inside. Thanx everyone.

LisaT Won't let me reply...Cat and John
  • replies: 9

Hi Cat and John, for some unknown reason every time I try to reply it's coming up with system error so I've had to start a new thread am hoping you both read this. Cat I would love to chat as caring for my daughter who has mental health issues can be... View more

Hi Cat and John, for some unknown reason every time I try to reply it's coming up with system error so I've had to start a new thread am hoping you both read this. Cat I would love to chat as caring for my daughter who has mental health issues can be so isolating. I feel that other people not going through it just don't get it. The fear of something happening to my daughter can at times be overwhelming. John you sound like a good Dad. I am a sole parent and wish my daughters dad would take a more active role in caring for our daughter. He lives 10hrs away so her care falls on my shoulders. Taking her to her appointments, supporting her, dealing with teen angst all falls on to me. I wish there was someone who could share the load. Half the stress and worry or just a shoulder to lean on. My daughter has gone to her Dad's for a week over the Easter break which gives me a short break. This year my daughter started boarding school as last year I had a breakdown. I'm not sure how she will cope with her senior years but so far so good. The school is only 20mins up the road so I see her regularly. I am doing everything I can to support my daughter but I know that I too need support.

Morty Too tired to care
  • replies: 5

My husband of near 20 yrs has been suffering depression and anxiety for close to 3 years...and although he is better in some ways I can't see an end and our relationship is now shattered. He has been unable to work since the initial breakdown and the... View more

My husband of near 20 yrs has been suffering depression and anxiety for close to 3 years...and although he is better in some ways I can't see an end and our relationship is now shattered. He has been unable to work since the initial breakdown and the financial strain and living on eggshells has me feeling defeated, bitter and angry. Every opportunity he returns to drinking...and gets angry now when I won't buy him alcohol Over the past 12 months he has taken comfort, support and advice from an old friend (female)...communicating online but who he says is in another state...why ? because I haven't given him the right support. I have seen many messages which hurt deeply. He keeps a diary of all the negative things I say and do...yet nothing about all things I have done...paid off his debts, continued to support him, paying for his sport, car etc so he can maintain some independence. i feel trapped in what is fast becoming a poisonous relationship...I have just begun to put my teenage kids and myself first...which he is not happy about...I can't win and I don't think I can keep going... he has written that he wants to go, told his friend he wants to leave me...but..with no income he is trapped...what the hell can I do???? I always thought he would get better and it would be okay....I hate depression...I hate what has become of our like together!!

rock_of_ages How do I cope with the pain of this response??
  • replies: 6

I have supported a friend very closely and intensely for a number of years, while he has been an international student studying in Australia. In recent months it has become necessary for him to seek protection as returning to his home country could b... View more

I have supported a friend very closely and intensely for a number of years, while he has been an international student studying in Australia. In recent months it has become necessary for him to seek protection as returning to his home country could be life threatening. He has difficulty sleeping and has to keep himself very busy all the time to cope with his anxiety around this. Although he is part of many social activities he has almost entirely cut himself off from me and my family and is treating us appallingly considering the fact that he became a member of our family and we supported him psychologically, emotionally and financially for many years. I am almost certain that he is struggling with anxiety and depression. The point of this post however, is, how do I make sense of this rejection? -I feel that we have been totally 'dumped'. My grief and hurt is profound. Is this a part of supporting someone living with such a dark cloud hanging over them??

PM Supporting a husband with depression
  • replies: 2

Hi there I have been married now for 7.5yrs to a beautiful, caring and loving man. He is hard working who has a heart of gold and would do anything he can to help out anyone. We were always inceprable, doing things together, going away on mini trips,... View more

Hi there I have been married now for 7.5yrs to a beautiful, caring and loving man. He is hard working who has a heart of gold and would do anything he can to help out anyone. We were always inceprable, doing things together, going away on mini trips, visiting friends and family, we were never home - I felt that life couldn't be better.. However, over the last 3 years, after failing to conceive a child and my husband going through the closure of his family business, breaking his leg then being hospitalised for a month with infection, he fell into a deep depression. He basically has been on the couch for months and closed himself off to the rest of the world. The once social outgoing person has become a recluse and unable to function. It's ironic really that I am a psychology educator and that I feel I cannot help my husband or pull him out of this with all that I know and I hate myself for it. I managed to get him to his GP and on a mental health plan, he is taking anti depressants and started to see a psychologist however it has been a long and slow process.I am finding it to be increasingly difficult. Im beginning to feel helpless myself and I am starting to get anxiety and have most recently started not sleeping at night from all the stress. We have gone from living a very comfortable life to be lumped with unpaid bills, massive financial strain from the previous business and I feel that it is up to me to get us out as I am the only one working. He has every intention to get up off the couch and help but he can't. With a mortgage, late fines, daily bills I'm finding it difficult to cope and starting to resent him every time I come home from work and see him lumped on the couch even tho I know he can't help it!! I'm so run down and I'm not coping. Any advise would be appreciated x