Too tired to care

[Morty]

My husband of near 20 yrs has been suffering depression and anxiety for close to 3 years...and although he is better in some ways I can't see an end and our relationship is now shattered. He has been unable to work since the initial breakdown and the financial strain and living on eggshells has me feeling defeated, bitter and angry. Every opportunity he returns to drinking...and gets angry now when I won't buy him alcohol

Over the past 12 months he has taken comfort, support and advice from an old friend (female)...communicating online but who he says is in another state...why ? because I haven't given him the right support. I have seen many messages which hurt deeply. 

He keeps a diary of all the negative things I say and do...yet nothing about all things I have done...paid off his debts, continued to support him, paying for his sport, car etc so he can maintain some independence.

i feel trapped in what is fast becoming a poisonous relationship...I have just begun to put my teenage kids and myself first...which he is not happy about...I can't win and I don't think I can keep going...

he has written that he wants to go, told his friend he wants to leave me...but..with no income he is trapped...what the hell can I do???? 

I always thought he would get better and it would be okay....I hate depression...I hate what has become of our like together!! 😞 

[Zeal]

Hi Morty,

Wow, you're in a tough situation. I'm 22 and unmarried, but I can imagine the strain it could have on a family. It's great that you are focusing on your kids - that's vital for their health, happiness, and development. If you haven't done so recently, talk to your doctor about your situation- perhaps they will have some new treatment ideas for your husband, or coping mechanisms for you and your family. You could have an appointment just for you to talk about how you're feeling and what's going on, and then have your husband come along to another session. Even though refusing to buy alcohol for your husband will make him angry, doing so is what is best for you, him, and your kids. Alcoholism and depression are a dangerous combination, as I'm sure you know too well.

Talk to your kids about how their Dad is struggling right now, and make sure they feel safe and don't become too anxious or fearful.

Sorry I don't have much advice for your situation. Hopefully some married people will also respond to you!

Good luck with everything, and take care.

SM

[Pixie15]

Hi Morty,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. It does sound like you have a difficult situation. It is not really helpful to start thinking that he will never get better and things will never be okay.

Is your partner undergoing any treatment for his depression? If he isn't the best thing you could do is try to get him to his doctors. Alcohol will undermine the positive benefits of the antidepressants so discouraging him from drinking would be a good thing to do if he is already on medication. It will also set a better example for your daughters.

There is a booklet in the resources on the site here with information for carers. It would be helpful to have a look at that. If you are going to help your husband overcome his depression it may be better to try and be on friendly terms. You could consider relationship counselling for yourself to help sort that out.

I am wondering if you would be concerned about this online relationship if the person were a man. Do you think he is being unfaithful to you? It could be that she has experience herself which helps her to have a better understanding.

Maybe you could try writing our own list in response to what he has written about you.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[Morty]

Thanks SM...yes he has been seeing a physiologist for nearly two years...and has been medicated also although I think he has recently stopped them.

i know I need to get support for myself, but I feel like such a failure...even though I tell myself I shouldn't

i don't seem to be able to do anything right these days...so I will just work on myself and kids...

[Morty]

Thanks Pixie

i have done a lot of reading and followed many of the suggestions, but not much luck..I try to stay on friendly terms but it has gotten to the point I feel used....I have tried to be supportive...but will it get better or is it likely to be life long....

it doesn't bother me he seeks support from others, it is the nature of the messages that bothers me....I have lost a lot of confidence and although I don't think he is unfaithful I feel betrayed...maybe he is trying to escape the situation...rather than face and deal with it??? im not really sure anymore

[Pixie15]

Hi Morty,

When my partner was first diagnosed with depression it was a relief in a way. I could look back on our past and see there were other times when his behavior could have been explained by depression but it was never considered. I accepted his explanation for why he was or was not do things mainly on the basis of his being a bloke. 

For me recovery is not about returning to the old ways of understanding but finding more healthier ways to cope. This also means considering how my behavior has contributed. In the past I have been prone to taking on too much of the responsibility. I am trying to learn to only be responsible for my own actions.

I think it is useful to remind yourself that you are not responsible for your partners health. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. It is necessary for him to realize what is not helpful and to want to make an effort on his own behalf. 

It might help to focus less on his behavior and expend your energy on self care and caring for your daughters as I believe you indicated in your first post that you are already starting to do.

thanks,

Pixie.