How do I cope with the pain of this response??

[rock_of_ages]

I have supported a friend very closely and intensely for a number of years, while he has been an international student studying in Australia.  In recent months it has become necessary for him to seek protection as returning to his home country could be life threatening.  He has difficulty sleeping and has to keep himself very busy all the time to cope with his anxiety around this.  Although he is part of many social activities he has almost entirely cut himself off from me and my family and is treating us appallingly considering the fact that he became a member of our family and we supported him psychologically, emotionally and financially for many years.  I am almost certain that he is struggling with anxiety and depression. The point of this post however, is, how do I make sense of this rejection? -I feel that we have been totally 'dumped'.  My grief and hurt is profound.  Is this a part of supporting someone living with such a dark cloud hanging over them??

[goodwife]

Hi rock of ages my understanding is that different people respond differently to mental health issues. I hope your friend is getting professional sport

[goodwife]

Hi, yes it is possible your friend is avoiding you because of their mental health problems. My sister was really mean when depressed and hated being around Mum because she fussed. My best Friend would not talk to me for 6 months after going through trauma and getting panic attacks. In contrast I am the one person my husband confides in with his depression. I recommend letting your friend know you are always there if they need you and make infrequent attempts to get in contact. Hopefully they will talk to you when they are ready.

[goodwife]

Sorry lost half the reply. My sister is mean and avoids Mum when depressed, my best friend would not talk to me for 6 months after trauma and panic attacks and my husband will confide in me but avoids other people. Trust that all your love and support has helped your friend. It is likely that they will let you back in when they feel better

[rock_of_ages]

thanks for taking the time to reply goodwife.  I'm not even sure that my friend does have anxiety or depression.  It's very hard to look at the situation from my Australian 'safe country'  cultural perspective.  I certainly would have anxiety in the situation because my expectations of life are very different to his, but he's from a culture of having family and friends frequently jailed, tortured and killed.  He seems very factual about it all  -maybe he's disassociated -? I don't know.  I'm trying to make sense of what is going on and WHY he has dumped his solid supporters!

[MMR]

It can be hard to believe in or know what to do with "solid supporters" if you have not had them before! Sometimes it's easier just to lock yourself down in times of greatest need rather than risk greater hurt by turning to people.  It's understandable that you feel hurt, however this could be the only way they know how to deal with life.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

[Pixie15]

Hi rock of ages,

I am just wondering. Is your friend staying here his own choice or is it something that he feels he has to do? If he has family back in his own country it may be hard to stay here even if there is some risk in going back. If he is uncertain but feels that you might pressure him into staying he might want to put some distance so that he can make up his own mind. 

thanks,

Pixie.