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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Mr_Wombat Struggling with a partner with bipolar
  • replies: 4

I’ve been looking at these boards for a few weeks now, searching for common situations and advice that I could take on board. But I think I just need to lay my situation on the table and hope for the best. My wife and partner of 16 years suffers from... View more

I’ve been looking at these boards for a few weeks now, searching for common situations and advice that I could take on board. But I think I just need to lay my situation on the table and hope for the best. My wife and partner of 16 years suffers from schitzoaffective bipolar disorder, which she has likely dealt with since the birth of our first child 10 years ago. She is receiving regular treatment through a psychiatrist, and is very aware of her illness. I try to support her as much as I can, providing an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. We’ve always gotten by, but the last 12 – 18 months have been very difficult. She has been in and out of hospital for both physical and mental treatments, and has had a difficult time at work recently (including an episode of bullying and possible sexual harassment). All of this has placed her into a very low place, which I can see takes a lot of her resources to just get by. My issue is that, over the last 6-12 months or so, I have perceived a number of small things that I am having difficulty coping with. Each is small, and in isolation I would have previously just shrugged it off and moved on. But I have noticed a lessening of our physical and emotional relationship to the point where it feels like she doesn’t care, and at times, that I am an imposition to her. It’s small things, like not showing an interest in how my day has been, showing any physical affection that isn’t instigated by me or saying “I Love You” that isn’t a response to me saying it first, but has chipped away at my resolve over the past year. I haven’t brought it up with her as I don’t want to upset her as I can see she is struggling. I have mentioned the disconnect/distance I have noticed to her psychiatrist, but her job is to focus on my wife’s welfare, not mine. I am afraid that, if I mention anything it will come out wrong and it will either seem like I am attacking her or just whining about minor issues. I guess all I am looking for is some feedback as to whether anyone else has had a similar experience Overall, I feel like she just doesn’t care. I know that this is probably not the case, and the above is down to her using her resources to cope with just getting through the day, but it still hurts. I can see that life has been hard for her, and I need to make allowances for her illness, but I also need to make sure I don’t burn myself out. I would just like to know that what’s happening with me is not uncommon.

CraigMc My Partner has anxiety
  • replies: 10

Good Afternoon all, Just want to discuss with others out there who are living with a partner who is suffering from anxiety. I have unwaivering support for my partner and do as much as I can for her and my family, however, she is constantly saying I a... View more

Good Afternoon all, Just want to discuss with others out there who are living with a partner who is suffering from anxiety. I have unwaivering support for my partner and do as much as I can for her and my family, however, she is constantly saying I am the cause of her anxiety. I attempt to talk to her about this, but I feel I am not getting anywhere..what else can I do?

Torrs need some advice
  • replies: 2

hi everyone, i need some advice. i have a close mate that i also happen to be sleeping with struggling with depression. i have known for years about it, but as our friendship was established long distance and during the time he gained a girlfriend, i... View more

hi everyone, i need some advice. i have a close mate that i also happen to be sleeping with struggling with depression. i have known for years about it, but as our friendship was established long distance and during the time he gained a girlfriend, i was unaware of how bad it was. he was with his gf for a substantial time and about 9 months ago they broke up. i was there to support him through the break up and then we started sleeping together. i was not sure if this was the right thing to do as he was not mentally stable, but it seemed to help him a little. im not so sure if ive done the right thing. but now he seems to be pushing me away, saying how he doesnt want to see me. then later turns around and tells me he only says that because he feels like he is not good enough for me.i dont want to push him away as he thinks i am his only friend, but at the same time he is putting too much pressure on me and its destroying me. ive been nothing but honest with him and have told him that i am not the one who can fix his problems,that i am just here to help because i care. im so lost and dont want to cause him any pain, i just want to help him. i dont know what to do. i feel like if i pull away that will validate his thoughts that he is not good enough, which is not true! but at the same time ive been doing this for 6 months now and i cant keep the brave face when he says the things he does. we are not a couple, he is still caught up on his ex and acknowledges a problem but wont do anything. i keep an open communication with him, it works sometimes as he has told me some of his thoughts, but i know there is more he does not speak about. i encourage him to talk to anyone he trust, but even he said "men are not allowed to talk about these things". it worries me so much. i dont push as i know that these things must be their own idea for it to be effective. he upsets me, and i dont know if it will be beneficial to him to tell him just how much they upset me. i let him know that what he says does effect me, but i have just focused on making sure that i try and take away the negativity from his thinking and sometimes question why he says what he says. sorry this is a poor picture, but if you have any advice, please it would be good to hear! Thanks

Chinz Overwhelmed
  • replies: 4

My husband of over 40 years is finally facing up to his depression (I think). Instead of recognising this as the positive step that it undoubtedly is, and feeling relieved and sympathetic, I am overwhelmed by rage at the wasted years and the effect h... View more

My husband of over 40 years is finally facing up to his depression (I think). Instead of recognising this as the positive step that it undoubtedly is, and feeling relieved and sympathetic, I am overwhelmed by rage at the wasted years and the effect his depression has had on our marriage and our family. I read somewhere that depression rarely responds positively to a spouse's support; it is usually the other way round...depression drags the spouse down. This is so true. I'm also feeling unbelievably frustrated at the (40+) years of circular arguments that have got us nowhere; the promises to change; the promises that things will get better (sometimes they do for a while but it is never maintained); the negativity, the glass half-empty, being made to feel it's all my fault and that if I wasn't so demanding and critical then he'd be OK. The years of denial, the withdrawing, the silence, the withholding, the lack of concern for my needs and the needs of our family, the intense self-absorption. The anxiety, the panic attacks, the half hearted attempts to seek help. I feel guilty that I don't feel more empathetic (empathic??) but the reality is that, at the moment, I don't. I just feel at the end of my tether, sucked dry and empty, sick of being the care giver in the family and the "strong" one, sick of never having MY needs met, sick of having to support everyone else and put on a brave face, of him denying, negating and being emotionally abusive (obliquely threatening suicide has been a favourite one in the past). I am ready to explode! Am I going crazy? I just want to run and hide and I feel bad about it. Cat Banks 15.00 beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Chris_B If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this
  • replies: 5

This is "Living With A Black Dog", a short video for loved ones of people experiencing depression. It gives you tips on what to do, what not to do, and how to survive and thrive through the journey of recovery together. What's your favourite tip from... View more

This is "Living With A Black Dog", a short video for loved ones of people experiencing depression. It gives you tips on what to do, what not to do, and how to survive and thrive through the journey of recovery together. What's your favourite tip from the video? Thanks to the Black Dog Institute for sharing this clip.

Amberx Distressed girlfriend
  • replies: 6

This is my first forum post and have spent the past couple of hours looking through the forum but was hoping for some more advice. I have been with my boyfriend for roughly 1.5 years and we have lived together for about 8 months. Before we became a c... View more

This is my first forum post and have spent the past couple of hours looking through the forum but was hoping for some more advice. I have been with my boyfriend for roughly 1.5 years and we have lived together for about 8 months. Before we became a couple I was aware he was battling depression but after a couple of weeks he was happy, working and we both thought we had found the light at the end of the tunnel. It has only been the past 3 months where everything has spun downhill. He is pushing me away, drinking heavily and not putting any effort into our relationship. Yesterday he finally broke down and told me that he has hit rock bottom. I don't know what to do. I hate seeing him upset and I hate that I've been crying daily because of the stress aswell. When I bring up getting help he closes off and accuses me of trying to force him on medication. I am worried for him, myself and us a couple and I just don't know what to do anymore

Benji_-_blue I don't know where to turn - partner with borderline personality disorder
  • replies: 2

Hi Sorry I am very new to this. I have had the same partner on and off for a couple of years. He was diagnosed with bpd last year and he has steadly got worse.I know he has some narcissistic traits as well. I just don't know where to turn to get help... View more

Hi Sorry I am very new to this. I have had the same partner on and off for a couple of years. He was diagnosed with bpd last year and he has steadly got worse.I know he has some narcissistic traits as well. I just don't know where to turn to get help on how to cope with everything. Reading some of the research I have found and its scary how it has described him to a tee.. Where do I start? =(

yoghurt Is it Anxiety?
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I have a 4 and a half year old boy that I am beginning to worry about. Ever since he started kindy he has been easily upset, doesn't want to go (he was very excited about starting school), emotional. He needs to be the one in control and like... View more

Hi all, I have a 4 and a half year old boy that I am beginning to worry about. Ever since he started kindy he has been easily upset, doesn't want to go (he was very excited about starting school), emotional. He needs to be the one in control and like things a particular way. If I drop him at school, he screams that he doesn't want me to go and that he doesn't want to be there. If someone else drops him off he is fine. Once I am gone he settles quickly and is fine for the rest of the day. If he wants something done (by me or anyone else) he wants it done NOW and gets upset if it isn't done. Am I right to be concerned or is he just an emotional, typical 4 year old.... I look forward to your suggestions. Thank you

ConcernedEx Love of my life turned stranger
  • replies: 1

I was with my ex partner for almost a year. Was a true love story, the man of my dreams and I was so in love and happy. About 6 months ago a family member of mine got very sick and he was there for me through thick and thin, my rock. Also, through al... View more

I was with my ex partner for almost a year. Was a true love story, the man of my dreams and I was so in love and happy. About 6 months ago a family member of mine got very sick and he was there for me through thick and thin, my rock. Also, through all of that we were going through life changing decisions in our own lives: where to live, where to settle down, kids, marriage, life, career, etc, etc. We started a fairy tale relationship but encountered quite a few hurdles in a short amount of time but thought we were handling everything quite well. My partner started to retreat about 4 months ago. He stopped enjoying activities we used to love, stopped talking about future plans. Even told me he thought about suicide. I was desperate to help and tried everything in my power to make him happy. Bent over backwards to do sweet things for him, make him feel special, even neglected my own family and life for a period of time. Which in hindsight was silly. I wanted to get him back closer to family so we decided to move back to his hometown in hopes they could help. On the drive back, we had many arguments. Mostly over him not saying a word for miles and miles in the car and me feeling hopeless to make him happy and try to have fun which was a daunting task. About half way through the trip back, he ended it with me. Saying "this relationship is hopeless, I've given up". That was it, and I had to spend the next 3 days in the car with him and he went back home and I went to stay with friends in a different city.It has been 6 weeks since that day he dropped me off. I gave him space and time and have since tried to reach out. Sent him a letter of how I feel for him, a couple texts, and I spoke with him on the phone once. He sounded much worse than he did when he dropped me off, almost angry to be speaking with me. Reiterating that "it is hopeless and he has given up". His family has stayed in touch with me and a couple days ago his father said that he has not left the house since being back 6 weeks ago and has been telling his family to leave him alone and not speak with him. He has not seen any friends, not gone back to work, nothing. And is still ignoring me. I feel so at a loss. I am leaving the country in a matter of days, have lost the love of my life and now I am the one that feels hopeless to help him. Not sure if this is breakup blues or depression and not sure how, if at all I can help. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

jimmydean Daughter refuses to continue with her medication
  • replies: 10

After finally being given meds for depression after seeking help for almost 4 yrs, my 16 yr old daughter was doing really well. Now, suddenly, after being on meds for 2 months, she has stopped taking them. She says that she doesn't recognize herself ... View more

After finally being given meds for depression after seeking help for almost 4 yrs, my 16 yr old daughter was doing really well. Now, suddenly, after being on meds for 2 months, she has stopped taking them. She says that she doesn't recognize herself when she is on the meds and that it is her choice. We are now back to square one and 'her' decision is affecting everyone. She acknowledged a long time ago that she had a problem but now this. I haven't a clue what to do or how to get her back on the meds or willing to see the GP. She is vile and really hurtful without the medication and I'm at my wits end.