Overwhelmed

[Chinz]

My husband of over 40 years is finally facing up to his depression (I think). Instead of recognising this as the positive step that it undoubtedly is, and feeling relieved and sympathetic,  I am overwhelmed by rage at the wasted years and the effect his depression has had on our marriage and our family. I read somewhere that depression rarely responds positively to a spouse's support; it is usually the other way round...depression drags the spouse down. This is so true. I'm also feeling unbelievably frustrated at the (40+) years of circular arguments that have got us nowhere; the promises to change; the promises that things will get better (sometimes they do for a while but it is never maintained); the negativity, the glass half-empty, being made to feel it's all my fault and that if I wasn't so demanding and critical then he'd be OK. The years of denial, the withdrawing, the silence, the withholding, the lack of concern for my needs and the needs of our family, the intense self-absorption. The anxiety, the panic attacks, the half hearted attempts to seek help. I feel guilty that I don't feel more empathetic (empathic??) but the reality is that, at the moment, I don't. I just feel at the end of my tether, sucked dry and empty, sick of being the care giver in the family and the "strong" one, sick of never having MY needs met, sick of having to support everyone else and put on a brave face, of him denying, negating and being emotionally abusive (obliquely threatening suicide has been a favourite one in the past). I am ready to explode! Am I going crazy? I just want to run and hide and I feel bad about it.

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[white knight]

Hi Chinz, welcome

There is two sides to this situation.

Firstly, the denial side. Yep, you have every reason to feel resentful of the decades of ups and downs. Most of your post puts it out there- the struggles and abuse.

The other side is the "normality" that comes with humans as to not seeing themselves from others view. We humans with mental disorders often dont have insight into ourselves and our behaviours. They say is we have insight we are the lucky ones.

Threatening to commit suicide. Again two sides.

It is, unacceptable to place anyone in such a situation. Emotional blackmail is the term. I had that used against me too for most of my life with my mother. It isnt nice.

The other side could be a sign of crying out for help but maybe at the same time trapped due to the stigma of possibly having a mental illness.

Your anger is clear. Perhaps there is also some need for you to seek some help too to overcome that emotion? After so much time spent together my suggestion is that both of you go through the journey together. Him to seek his diagnosis with follow up on meds and therapy. And you to find your peace with the past.

Sounds like something to be positive about...if you want to be. If so the outcome has a better chance of success.

Take care   Tony WK

[Chinz]

Thank you for your reply. What you say makes sense. Just writing down and posting my feelings has helped a great deal and I now feel more ready to tackle this together with my husband. I had a light bulb moment last night...this is not a condition he chooses and he deserves my love and support. We'll face it and deal with it together and get on with life. Over 40 years is a long time and we've been through a lot. This is just another challenge to be overcome. Thanks again.

[Pixie15]

Hi Chinz,

In the first line of your post you wrote "finally facing up to his depression (I think)". It is very sentimental to think that as you have put up with his behavior for 40 years you should somehow keep supporting him and there will be an improvement. Unless you have some real evidence that he has accepted his condition and is seeking help you may want to honestly question if this is the right choice for you. 

It might help you to get some support yourself to process this experience and learn some better ways to look after your own needs. Otherwise it will just continue being all about him.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[geoff]

dear Chinz, your comment is quite an explosive one, nothing wrong with that, but with depression or especially when a person in a marriage or relationship is in denial this certainly does bring down the other spouse plus any kids, because they flatly deny that they don't need any help, and this included me, as I was in denial until something happened and I realised I needed help, maybe it was too late for my wife to change her tune and then support me.

After coming out of the session with my psych she plus a couple of other people wanted to know how I got on, and what was said, but I couldn't tell them anything, so this may have happened with your husband, but what this does is block any communication between the two of us, and then eventually wears her down.

By your husband suggesting suicide is a tricky one, because what they want is for you to pay attention to him, but won't accept this by asking him questions or getting too close with him.

I'm sure a lot of water has gone under the bridge in 40 years, so does anyone stay together for the grandkids, which I know an elderly couple who have been married for 63 years do, but don't get on at all, but it's too late in life to separate, and he couldn't cope living by himself with cooking, cleaning and going down the street, so it's catch-22.

There's an old saying ' life wasn't meant to be easy'. L Geoff. x