need some advice

[Torrs]

hi everyone,

 i need some advice. i have a close mate that i also happen to be sleeping with struggling with depression. i have known for years about it, but as our friendship was established long distance and during the time he gained a girlfriend, i was unaware of how bad it was. he was with his gf for a substantial time and about 9 months ago they broke up. i was there to support him through the break up and then we started sleeping together.

i was not sure if this was the right thing to do as he was not mentally stable, but it seemed to help him a little.

im not so sure if ive done the right thing. but now he seems to be pushing me away, saying how he doesnt want to see me. then later turns around and tells me he only says that because he feels like he is not good enough for me.i dont want to push him away as he thinks i am his only friend, but at the same time he is putting too much pressure on me and its destroying me. ive been nothing but honest with him and have told him that i am not the one who can fix his problems,that i am just here to help because i care. 

im so lost and dont want to cause him any pain, i just want to help him. i dont know what to do. i feel like if i pull away that will validate his thoughts that he is not good enough, which is not true! but at the same time ive been doing this for 6 months now and i cant keep the brave face when he says the things he does. we are not a couple, he is still caught up on his ex and acknowledges a problem but wont do anything. 

i keep an open communication with him, it works sometimes as he has told me some of his thoughts, but i know there is more he does not speak about. i encourage him to talk to anyone he trust, but even he said "men are not allowed to talk about these things". it worries me so much. i dont push as i know that these things must be their own idea for it to be effective.

he upsets me, and i dont know if it will be beneficial to him to tell him just how much they upset me. i let him know that what he says does effect me, but i have just focused on making sure that i try and take away the negativity from his thinking and sometimes question why he says what he says.

sorry this is a poor picture, but if you have any advice, please it would be good to hear!

Thanks

[Pixie15]

Hi Torrs,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the bb forums I hope you find it useful as I have. It seems you have been caught up in your friends problems in a way which is detrimental to your own well being. There is a publication in the resource section for carers and that would be a good place to start for getting some information.

I know there is an idea around at the moment that you can be "friends with benefits" but I do not see it working myself. It is not your role to act as some sort of sex therapist for your friend. Especially if as you wrote he is still attached to his ex and you have no romantic inclinations.

As far as his depression goes it might help to remind yourself that you did not cause it and you cannot control or cure it. You can be there as a friend in a supporting role but ultimately he is the one that needs to commit to seeking appropriate help.

If you do not want to have sex please just say no. It might help to call the hotline and just get some advice on what to do if he has a negative reaction to you enforcing this boundary. I know how hard it can be to say no to a depressed person but I think friendship needs to be a two way relationship even if one of the parties is ill.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[Doolhof]

Hi Torrs and Welcome to Beyond Blue and the community here.

I am sorry to read of the situation that you find yourself in. Your boyfriend would benefit immensely by talking to someone about his problems and concerns.

Is he receiving any help with his depression? If you were to give him the phone numbers for Beyond Blue and Lifeline for example, do you think he would phone them and talk to someone? Have you tried this for yourself?

The contact number for Beyond Blue is on this site. I suggest you call them and ask for advice as well.

If you don't mind me asking, are you actually living together or do you have separate places to live? Do you still keep in touch with your family and friends? Do you have people to support you when things are too heavy with this guy?

Your friend really does need some help. Men, just as much as women need assistance from time to time. Ask him that if he discovered he had cancer would he see a Dr and ask for help, or would he just try to cope with it on his own?

Mental illnesses can be like a cancer if you don't seek help. I hope you can encourage him to seek advice somewhere.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools.