Hello Craig, I don't think you sound selfish at all and it sounds like you need some extra support for yourself. Is there anyone else in your family that can help you out with the children?
I imagine you have done this already with your attempts to talk with her about why she is blaming you, but have you asked her outright what she would like you to do to support her more? You could gently point out that you understand she has an anxiety condition and you are not blaming her, and that you are already doing all the things you list above. What else would she like you to do?
Anxiety and depression has a nasty way of making us say things that we don't mean and lash out at those closest to us in a very unfair way. This doesn't justify the behaviour of course, but it may help take some of the sting out of her words for you.
In counselling your partner should be learning about her anxiety triggers and how to deal with them. If those triggers are related to things you are doing, then some open honest communication has to happen around those to allow either (a) you to change your behaviour or (b) if that is not possible, for her to accept that there are some things that cannot be changed, like for example your relationship with your ex-wife around your children, which in my opinion is not her business. If your ex-wife were being rude or difficult with her I could understand, but I don't see how that particular arrangement is affecting her.
The blame game helps no-one. Try and let her know that you are interested in talking about solutions, but you will not accept blame for things over which you have no control.
