How can I help my 26 year old daughter?

RoseS · ‎16-04-2015

Hi there, I am new to these forums, and I just need some help/guidance on how I can best help my daughter. She has depression and is on medication. She is also seeing a therapist. She graduated from uni three years ago but hasn't had a full time job/career. There are many issues here, like not really knowing what she wants to do, all of her friends have careers, feeling like a failure, feeling lonely, not having ever had a serious relationship, still living at home. She has a great group of friends, and she has made great progress this year, but there are always days when she just feels so sad, cries a lot, stays in her room, and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me. I am so worried about her. I know I can't push her about looking for a job, but sometimes I just get frustrated and lose it as well...I am going through menopause so that isn't helping, I work full time with a very stressful job...which I feel like just quitting so I can just help her get better. It's when she calls me and she can't stop crying that I feel so helpless. thx RoseS

White_Rose · ‎17-04-2015

Dear Rose

I am so sad to read of your difficulties and those of your daughter. No matter the age of our children we will always worry about them and want them to be happy. Welcome to Beyond Blue where the lovely people here will help and support you as much as possible.

May I suggest that you do not leave your job. You were obviously managing it well before your daughter became unwell and it is important that you maintain your own interests and independence. I believe if you are at home with your daughter all day you will both become frustrated and angry for different reasons. That may lead to your relationship becoming even more strained.

Your daughter is old enough to manage on her own in terms of everyday living. It's not like leaving a toddler on their own. Can you encourage her to phone one of the help-lines when she becomes distressed? There is the Beyond Blue helpline which is available 24/7. The number is at the top of the page. It is 1300 22 4636. Your daughter can also talk to online to BB staff on the Web Chat from 3:00 pm to midnight. Click on the words at the top of the page. There is also Lifeline 13 14 11.

Tell your daughter you would like to talk to her during work hours but cannot concentrate properly on what she is saying. I expect she will say you don't care and get a bit sulky but you need to define boundaries. You need to take care of your own mental health or you will be of no use to her.

You have your issues to manage so explain these to your daughter. It will be difficult for her to be reasonable about this I know. When she feels really horrible she wants a shoulder to cry on. Going to a different help source may be more helpful as she may get different opinions and help suggestions.

Forget about her career for the moment. While she feels so bad it's not going to happen. Instead, help her to focus on small activities such as going for a walk. You could go together after work. Do I hear a groan? It will probably be a good option for you to get some simple exercise. Not the same as being in an office all day. Two birds with one stone.

Instead of looking for a job could your daughter try some volunteer work? Perhaps somewhere that can utilise her skills and knowledge. Or just doing a fairly routine activity to get her in the habit of going to a place of work regularly.

I understand how hard it is to appear to deny your daughter your support. In fact you will be supporting her in a more focussed manner. I hope you will write in again.

Mary