My partner is pushing me away

[concerned_boyfriend]

Me and my partner have been living with each other for 18mnth now and during these 18mnths we have been blossomed. Last year in April she was diagnosed with crohns disease and was prescribed with steroids to help cure, since then it has helped and she was feeling better but as time went on she would get real down and ask why would I want to be with her and that I would be so much happier without her she has also been crying and is unable to cope with simple tasks in work uni and family, ofcourse I try and tell her I'm not leaving and I'm here to support her and after a week of her being down she would pick back up. This year tho has been hard she has been ill in other ways and it's her final year in uni, in the last month she has had a couple days where she is happy but mostly down, she has been saying thing like " your being so distent to me " and saying thing like she exhausted and soo tired and always crying I think she has major depression, in the last week she has said she inst sure about our relationship and feels I'm so much better without her and has turned around and said she doesn't want to renew q lease with me with our lease running out in q month these decisions just coming out of no where. I'm very lost atm I have come to the fact our relationship won't last and I'm alright with that due to support with my family but I'm scared she will never get help and with her family who are so against the idea of councillors and psychologists saying they are for crazy people. I'm scared she will always be like this, I would love to stay with her but even if we don't I still care for her.

My question is how do I convince her to see someone about her problems before they get worse and given the fact she's very family orientated and lives by what they say how do I persuade she has a problem and she needs professional help 

Thankyou 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi concerned boyfriend,

Your situation is very common and if you see some of the other posts on here, there are plenty of people willing to put in the effort with a partner that is drifting away.

I can only say to you that you cannot build a bridge from one side. You can provide all the support you like but it will not be enough unless she wants that support.

That said, and I do understand what you say about her family being against professional help (although I don't understand why!), can you ask her to trust you on this and seek some professional help? What has she got to lose by hearing a professional opinion, even just a GP? Maybe you can go with her.

If she is unwilling to do that, I think you have done all you can.

Kind regards, John.

[White_Rose]

Dear Concerned BF

You sound like a lovely person with so much love for your girlfriend. I hope we can offer you some help. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

It's very frustrating to watch someone who is ill and refuses help. You say she has several other medical problems as well as Crohns Disease, so I presume she must see her GP fairly often. Is this GP helpful and does your GF trust him/her? If so, persuade her to make an appointment and go with her (with her permission) and talk to the GP about all the things that trouble both of you.

John has made a great suggestion that to ask the GF to trust you on this occasion. Don't talk about what kind of help the doc may suggest. Tell her she needs to talk about the things that are happening so the doc can help.

If she says the doc may want to send her to psychologist then answer honestly and say this is a possibility but she does not have to agree to go. It's important that your GF continues to trust you. Let the doc be the bad guy although please do not take sides and agree with your GF that she does not need treatment.

Tell her you want the best for her and ask her to try whatever the doc suggests. Tell her you will go with her. If she agrees, after a while she may prefer to go alone, which is good.

My point is that you do not try to second guess the doc. Comments such as "He'll want to send me to a psychiatrist and I'm not mad" come from fear and her upbringing. Reassure her she is not mad. Community attitudes to mental illness are still fairly rigid and uninformed. I believe they are slowly changing but it is a slow process.

Beyond Blue has a great deal of information on depression. Look under the tabs at the top of the page, especially The Facts and Get Resources. Read the information and ask BB to send anything you want to you. It's free. There is also information for Family and Friends which may be of use to you. Generally explore the web site for all sorts of information.

It's a common symptom for people with depression to feel they are not good enough for their partners and often urge them to leave. The Black Dog gets into our heads and creates havoc with our thoughts. This is what is happening to your GF. Your job is to reassure her that she is loved and wanted. That she is perfect for you and lovely as she is. She will say she does not believe you, but inside she is happy that you care even though she cannot admit it. Persevere.

Please write in again.

Mary

[concerned_boyfriend]

We spoke the other day and when I remotely brought up her problem and how she needs to explain it to a gp she said straight out its not happening, our relationship atm is in tatters and she has kept fairly distant from me siNice. She says she is unsure on how she feels about me and does not feel comfortable around me but reassuring me at the same time she wants things to blow over but feels she is smuggling to make her mind think that way.  I can only do what I can but my patients is wearing thin as I myself am not coping well with everything.

Thanks for the support tho

Cheers 

[White_Rose]

Dear Concerned

If you feel you are not coping I suggest you see your GP. Is this the same one as your GF? Your GP will be able to explain the intricacies of depression and give you help on how to manage with your GF.

Depression is not a short term illness like the 'flu. It can last for a long time but can be managed. In this respect it is like diabetes. The person with diabetes has to manage their lifestyle but the impact of this illness can be significantly reduced by taking proper care. And once it is under control it is fairly easy to live with.

Don't give up on your GF just yet. Go and see your doc and get some help for yourself. Talk about depression and ways to help GF. Then decide how much you want to be involved. Setting deadlines with the GF will not work. There is too much pain, anger and frustration. GF can and will get well but only one step at a time. She will need support and love to get through it.

I suggest you discuss your options with your GP.

Mary