Alcohol and depression

[The_storm_nexus]

Hi everyone,

first time posting on here although I have been observing for a while

 i need some help. My partner of 3 years has been suffering from depression and a mix bag of anxiety issues for many years now. In the past 6 months or so, things have gotten much worse as we have had to move back into her parents house to save money (not a great environment) and she has had to quit her job as her mental health problems were causing her too much stress in the job she was in. Up until bout three months ago we would have been living in a codependent relationship as I was assured that her issues were not bad and she was fine, while actually I was enabling anxious and depressed behavior. But I realised things were getting bad so I started researching about the subject and have since been attempting to turn things around. As you can imagine I am dealing with a lot of resistance. 

The guilt trips I can deal with. The abuse I can deal with. The silent treatment I can deal with.

My problem is this, when we first met I was drinking fairly heavily. She was the rock/support/stop gap I needed to help me tailor my drinking down to much more manageable levels.

now I'm fine, but one of the boundaries I'm trying to set is that it's ok for me to go out with friends without her. She sees it as an attempt by me to escape from her and has used my past alcohol problems to stop me in my tracks saying that it's all just an excuse to go back to my old ways. 

Am I? I don't intend to. But at the same time, there should be nothing wrong with going camping for the weekend with the boys and having a few drinks. If I say that I promise not to drink that's just pandering to anxieties and I'm back at square one, enabling her. 

What do I do? I don't think I'm being an alcoholic but if the general concensus is that I am I can accept it. One of the things that I have to remember is that it's hard to diagnose from the inside. 

Thanx everyone. 

[Pixie15]

Hi The storm nexus,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. Congratulations on your move from observer to participant. I quite understand where you are coming from with the codependency. It is positive that you have come to realize it early on in your relationship.

I am not an expert but my experience would suggest that if you have managed to cut back on your alcohol without giving up completely then you probably are not an alcoholic. It is okay to have a couple of drinks a day if you can do that socially. 

If you want to go away for a weekend camping with the boys and have a few drinks that would seem okay to me. If your partner wanted to go away with for a weekend without you to do something that is important for her that would be okay too. To help your partner understand you could try watching the movie "I Love You Man" together.

It must be hard living with your partners family. Reason enough to want to get away for the occasional weekend. When you do take the weekend off try to commit to enjoying yourself and not worry about your partner worrying.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[Yana8216]

Hallo Storm Nexus,

A tricky situation you have there.

Firstly, my sympathy on living with the "in-laws"... have done that myself for several months, not easy!

As a devoted partner you have every right to enjoy a break away with mates, you may just need to make a little allowance for her anxiety - when you're out/away with friends I would recommend a couple of phone calls during the evening to reassure your partner that you're staying in control - that's if you have mobile service and the background noise isn't too chaotic. Try to be understanding without letting her cramp your enjoyment.

I have been a heavy drinker in the past, my partner has always discouraged me - it's only recently I realise that's mostly because of the regret I express the next day. Our partners don't like to watch us self destruct.

[The_storm_nexus]

Thanks guys for the replies

yana8216, the problem with her isn't so much the regret, it's more past experiences with other family members who have used alcohol to mask deeper depression and anxiety issues and the negative experiences she has been put through with that person. She has put drinking on that blame pedestal and now has transferred it to me. Once it was a good motivator for me to limit my drinking but now it's affecting things too negatively and needs to stop. I'm just not sure if I'm qualified to draw the line. 

Pixie, I'm finding it hard to judge my social drinking as my social life is severely cramped atm. I find I'm more and more just throwing on a movie and drinking at home as it's easier than fighting about going out. And that means I drink more as I'm pouring my own drinks, don't have to worry about getting home so on and so on. 

Thanks for ur input guys, it's helping me come to a good answer, one that will leave both of us happy instead of both of us being miserable.