Long Distance Support

[gnocchi]

I'm not sure how to deal with things anymore. I'm on student exchange for a year and my boyfriend back home in Australia seems to be getting depressed. He's been feeling down consistently since I left in January. We talk most days, and recently we started writing fiction together, which I thought perked him up a bit, but I'm not sure any more. I'm not sure how much I'm helping, either, because I'm not in such a great state, either - I had severe anxiety in the few months before I left the country (which I got out the other end of mostly thanks to my bf, because my parents had just left to live overseas), and emotionally I've been constantly up and down ever since. I skype my parents more or less every day, and then I tend to pass on whatever advice they give me on to my bf, because I don't know what else to do. We've considered telling someone back home that he's struggling, but he's too nervous to tell anyone, and feels guilty about having me do it, and I feel really anxious about the prospect of talking to people back home about anything, which makes me feel guilty. He was going to go to a counsellor, but the ones at uni are completely booked up for months, and I tried suggesting the gp, but I don't think he went, and I don't want to push him. I'm just so scared that he won't get any help and no one will even know anything was wrong. All the information I read talks about how important it is to get help early, but all I'm seeing is him suffering and not telling anyone but me, and I'm not going to be back until at least November, and probably later because I want to visit my parents for christmas. I just want to go home and hug him...

[Doolhof]

Hi Gnocchi,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. Would it be possible for your BF to start up his own post here on BB? As you know yourself, it is easy to do, and you can be anonymous.

There is a lot of support available here from the people behind the scenes, by using the phone number and webchat, and by communicating online with others as you are doing.

Please encourage your boyfriend to see his GP and to get the ball rolling as far as receiving help goes. They will know who and what is available in his area.

Long distance relationships must be difficult. One good thing is al the modern technology which helps you to keep in touch.

I would like to encourage you to contact someone who knows your BF well and just mention to them that he is not doing so great and could they please contact him.

Please don't allow feelings of guilt or anxiety to stop you from contacting people on behalf of your BF. If he was struggling with cancer would you consider contacting people then? Some people don't understand depression, but it is an illness that needs treatment and recognition.

I also suggest that you Google "ways to beat Depression" and find things that help you and that you think might help your boyfriend.

I hope some of this helps. I would like to know how you both get on, so keep in touch if you feel like it.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[gnocchi]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you so much for encouraging me to contact friends on my BF's behalf. They are going to start inviting him over more regularly to help with the isolation he feels, and just said some generally supportive things that made me feel a whole lot better, too 🙂

I'll mention the GP again next time I talk to him, too, and try and direct him here. And I'll have so many hugs ready for him when he comes to visit me for my birthday in a couple of months 😄

[Doolhof]

Hi Gnocchi,

It is great to hear back from you. I am so pleased that friends are going to be able to assist your BF. That is wonderful news.

Now, what are you going to do to help yourself? You mentioned you are not in a great state yourself.

If you don't mind me asking, you mentioned you are a student studying overseas, so what kind of accommodation do you have? Are you with a family and if so, how is that working out?

Have you made friends there or are you feeling lonely? Are there people you could ask to join you in going out somewhere? Are there groups or activities you could become involved in with in the students?

I am certainly happy to "chat" with you through Beyond Blue and hopefully other people will  chat as well.

It is wonderful you have such frequent communication with your parents. If I may ask, where abouts in the world have they moved to? My husband has sometimes mentioned he would like to live in Vietnam. I don't like heat or humidity, so I would have to be in a part of the country where their is some relief from those conditions.

I'm never too sure how serious my husband is when he says these kinds of things! Ha. Ha.

I hope you are able to find some fun and interesting things to do there and that you meet some nice people to share activities and outings with.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[gnocchi]

I've been staying in university accommodation. It's been a bit lonely - the uni is not very central and my roommate has a completely different sleeping pattern to me, so I never see her, except when I wake up in the mornings and have to tiptoe around to try not to wake her up. I joined a few clubs, though, like lion dance, which has been great fun, and my classmates are really friendly. I've also been seeing a counsellor for a few months now. In about a month, I'm going to move out of my room at the uni to a homestay closer to the city centre. I'm very much looking forwards to that - the family seems very nice, and the area is known for its good food, nice neighbourhood, and its history. And now that assessment is slowing down and I can focus on the good things to come, I think my mood might be starting to settle.

Mum and dad moved to the US and will be there for about 6 years. I'm going to visit them for christmas, so that should be fun 🙂

I sympathise with you for not liking the heat! Being in Singapore is pretty much like having constant summer. Although, it's actually kind of okay once you're used to it, but it's really cold in the airconditioning!

[Doolhof]

Hi Gnocchi,

So you are in Singapore! Ah. That can be a very hot and humid place. Lovely food though, and such a beautifully clean place to live! I do love the tropics for its lushness, everything seems to grow so well and the humidity makes my skin feel so clean.

My husband and I have been to Singapore a couple of times. At least it is not too far for you to travel back to Australia if you have the opportunity to do so.

Hopefully the move will work well for you. So what kind of accommodation dot he family have whom you will be staying with? I remember the first time I saw the sky scrapers in Singapore I was totally amazed. Adelaide is such a small city in comparison.

I was in touch with a person from Hong Kong for a while who said that depression is not a very recognised condition there. Do you find the same thing in Singapore? It is great you have been able to chat with a counsellor.

Do you get much time to explore Singapore or are you very busy with your studies?

Participating in the Lion Dance must be interesting. I am always interested in learning about different cultures and ways of living. Don't think I could hack the weather in Singapore though.

We have friends who moved to Penang in Malaysia and love it. They have a penthouse apartment on about the 30th floor over looking the coast. Their views are spectacular.

I'm looking forward to reading more about your happenings in Singapore and hope your BF is doing okay.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools