Living with adult daughter with anxiety and depression

Penny_Jane · ‎06-04-2015

Never having experienced serious depression I am struggling to cope with my 29 year old daughters anxiety/depression. She had "the man of her dreams" but was so insecure from a previous bad emotionally abusive relationship in her late teens. She avoided dating for six years because of her trust issues. She has had two short relationships since but never got upset like this when they ended. This time I think the depth of her feelings scared her and she would get anxious and break up with him but they would always work it out until she had a meltdown from long work shifts and broke up with him over something stupid and he finally had enough three months ago. She just can't accept that he won't work things out. I am angry with her as I don't understand why she kept pushing him away when she cared so much about him. He told me he really loved her but just couldn't take it anymore. I have tried to be kind but being menopausal I get easily irritated. Her friends that she has always been there for are not being there for her now and the responsibility has fallen entirely on me and I am struggling. She sees no reason to get better. She tries to manipulate me by saying she won't take her medication or try to get better unless I get him back for her and I have told her I can't do that. I have tried to gently tell her he isn't coming back but that never ends well. She quit her job and spends all day home alone as I work during the day. When I get home she just starts on how much she misses him and how much better she would be if she could just talk to him. She needs to get out of the house but nobody invites her anywhere anymore even when I have spoken to her best friend of 16 years how important this is for her to get better but I feel this is falling on deaf ears. I have looked for a local support group for her but we live in a regional area which doesn't seem to have these resources. I can't keep doing this alone.

white knight · ‎06-04-2015

Hi PJ, welcome to beyond blue forums

Re: " I am angry with her as I don't understand why she kept pushing him away when she cared so much about him." And that anger will be yet another burden on her. I think you need to understand that your daughter isnt in control of her emotions and pushed him away due to being at extremes of behaviour.

Ok, thats the criticism of you over. Your daughter is ill. It is so hard for those that dont experience depression to get a grip on it. You cant see it, feel it and you think they are totally responsible for their actions. eg this man was a "man of her dreams" yet she pushed him away....no, her illness caused her to not be a stable level headed person that would keep him.

I would suggest to your daughter (when she expresses to you that she misses him) that her relationship with her ex is out of your control. Reassure her of your love for her and support.

A few things about mental illness. Long working hours in particular shift work is out of bounds for those with mental illness. Extra sleep is needed and preferably part time work. But also keeping busy is a good way to move on from a broken relationship...hobbies, a new love, sport etc.

Manipulation eg saying she wont take her medication is unacceptable. She is trying to toss her issues onto you to extract your abilities to be a supermum is unrealistic and wrong. On the other hand saying that getting back with him "wont happen" isnt right either. You never know...he could turn up tomorrow??

So I suggest

- she be persuaded to see her doctor to review her medication and therapy if ordered to.

- set ground rules. eg no emotional blackmailing by threats with meds or anything else. Emotional blackmail is hurtful and destructive no matter the reason.

- she should seek at least part time work now

- explain to her you are not responsible for her relationships -period and that if she needs assistance she should seek help through therapy.

- that as you are her carer it isnt a one way street. You have needs to and you are entitled to set reasonable boundaries. These boundaries should be fair, firm, reasonable and in your interest and well as hers.

I wrote an article called "who cares for the carer" google it and hope that also helps. Others might have other input here.

Tony WK

Penny_Jane · ‎06-04-2015

I have tried to persaude her to return to work and her place of work is willing to make allowances but she says she is not ready and feels that she can't go back there as it contributed to her situation. Unemployment is high in our area so there are not many other work opportunities.

She is waiting for her GP to make a house call as she gets too anxious now leaving the house.

The manipulation I am working on with my therapist who I decided to see to help me deal with this. My daughter was seeing a therapist in February as her ex made that a stipulation to him considering getting back together with her but she stopped when he said it wouldn't matter what she did. She feels he kept giving her hope then kept taking it away exacerbating her anxiety.

She has a negative response to everything I suggest. I suggest outings and she says she is tired of hanging out with her mother, but sadly I am all she has at the moment. Part of her negative outlook for the future is about who will be there if she gets better and she sees no one.

Penny_Jane · ‎07-04-2015

Feeling more positive but still a long way to go.. She regrets the nasty things she has said to her ex and just doesn't feel he will ever forgive her and she needs him to forgive her. I have explained to her that it was the illness not her being nasty but she says she still has to live with that and doesn't know if she can. We are communicating better and I pause before speaking so as not to say the first thing that comes to mind which is usually the wrong thing. A work in progress one day at a time.