Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Parents dilemma

replies: 9

We are in a dilemma over our daughter's ongoing depression and treatment. She has had difficulties since the onset of puberty with severe depressive episodes. She has been unwell since the middle of last year - her symptoms include thoughts of and actual self harm, lack of motivation difficulty sleeping, and feelings of wothlessness, She is very isolated socially and does not go anywhere other than university and only then when she has to, preferring online lectures and content. She spends hours on the computer writing stories and creating animations and chats online with people who share these interests whom of course she never meets. We try to limit her computer use to keep her to a reasonable sleep/wake schedule at least and have many arguments about this. When she began feeling unwell last year, she told us about it and we got her first to a doctor who prescribed the antidepressant she has used before and also to counselling sessions with a cognitive therapist we were told specialised inthe needs of younger people. Nearly a year down the track, to us she isn't really much better and the therapy sessions have started to become extremely expensive at $180 per hour with around $40 back from Medicare or our private health fund. The therapist recently asked for a review of the treatment plan to be completed by the doctor who has refused as it is less than 12 months old and says we need to wait. Meanwhile our daughter is asking to see the therapist more often (2 weekly intervals) and we are obliging but are starting to wonder how much longer our family budget can withstand it. We dont want her not to be able to have counselling as we know it's important to her recovery, but we are starting to think we will need to find a therapist who doesnt charge so much over the schedule fee. Our daughter doesnt have even part time work and says she cant cope with trying to work and her study load right now so obviously she cant afford the therapy on her own. Has anyone had experience of a family member changing therapist and if so what were the main issues? Did it make things worse? Our daughter told the doctor when asked that she thought the therapist was helpful and the sessions were good so even though we cant see improvement, we are worried about swapping. Any tips would be appreciated. Thanks

Got a new housemate who is an alcoholic

replies: 8

I left work 11 months ago, savings have dwindled to nothing so I need some help with bills,I found someone advertising and friended her on Facebook (fortunately). A few days before she was supposed to move in she posts on Facbook that she had attempted suicide and she was headed to the hospital. There were a huge amount of horrible posts from her to all her friends that had never helped her (but obviously cared from the replies I saw). I found this really upsetting so after speaking online to a close relative and their friend who was an ex-counseller I decided I had to tell her she couldn't move in. She wasn't too awful about it but did say a few things that weren't necessary.I then put a nice ad in looking for someone who liked dogs, didn't drink much, etc. A guy messaged me saying he was from the country, had just finished a job and wanted to find somewhere to stay temporarily while he looked for work, if we got on ok he could stay on.Well, the first night he stayed he drunk at least 10 cans of beer, then called a taxi to go to the pub, came home rotten drunk but fairly amiable. The second night it was a rerun of the first, but he came home with an enormous tattoo, got really rough with my dog and was spouting racist garbage. I waited until the next morning when he was relatively sober and said it wasn't going to work. I said he could stay until he found a place if he didn't get drunk. He opted to move out to a motel as he said he wanted a few beers.I put the same ad back up, adding that I wanted an independent person who hardly drank. I got a reply from a nice sounding guy who had been in the RAF and was now studying. He had a good answer for everything, a verbal rental reference and I even spoke to his mum. I explained what happened with the last guy and he assured me this would not be a problem.Turns out he doesn't study, he goes out for hours every day and comes home late at night, drunk, cooks up a full meal and speaks very loudly. This really does make me uncomfortable. Besides the fact that my dad was an alcoholic and not a nice one, I just don't want to deal with a rambling drunk person every night.So what to do? Money is now so tight I don't even know if I could refund his bond. I asked the close relative that I talked to before but they didn't reply, now I am wondering if they think I am overreacting. Well done if you have read this far! It might sound funny, and one side of me can see this, but I am crying and anxious inside.

How do I support my partner through their anxiety?

replies: 4

I think one of the biggest challenges my partner and I face is knowing how he should/shouldn't support me through my anxiety. I am actively working through my anxiety. And one small step at a time I am making progress. But I constantly need reassurance from him that "we are okay." I want him to text me on a regular basis, I want him to be overly affectionate towards me, I want him to use terms of endearment. And unknowingly I have created this check list that he needs to meet for me to know that everything is okay. I have, unintentionally, sucked the fun out of our relationship. He works hard every day to meet my check list, and of cause, it is wearing him out. So I am wondering what support should he be giving me, when should he be reassuring me that everything is okay. But when should he be standing up to me and saying "no its not okay for you to expect that from me". I want to bring the fun back into our relationship, and I need your help. Frankee

Selfish carer?

replies: 9

Hi, If anyone has some helpful advice I would be very appreciative. My partner suffers depression which I know is not his fault. For different reasons our social life had become very restrictive over many years. For the last couple of years I have been attempting to make more time for myself and do some of the things I enjoy. Which was working quite well for me. Earlier this year my partner had an accident and was quite severely injured and taking care of him and doing the things that are necessary have been taking up more of my resources. The accident was also not his fault and I feel selfish thinking about freeing a bit of time for myself. I am afraid that the accident has put me back at square one. Am I being selfish? Thanks Pixie.

help for a friend

replies: 1

Hey, this is my first time here and Im really just after some info. A close friend of mine is having a real tough time at the moment coping with the trauma of sexual abuse as a kid. Shes mentioned feeling like she needs to speak to someone and even stated that shes considered being on medication but obviously all of these things cost money. Can anyone lend a hand in any pathways for her to take?

signs of anxiety / depression young children pls help

replies: 3

This is the first time I have ever joined a forum of any type. I have been concerned for a month or two about my youngest daughter. She is only 5.5 yrs old. She is very hard on herself and makes horrible comments like "I am a rubbish bird" or "I dont deserve my teddies" she even has said she does not deserve her family and says she is a vsry naughty little girl. No she does not here that from me. I think these are not overly normal comments for a child to make. She does it after she has done something wrong like hit her big sister, its always at bedtime and I feel this is when she gets overwhelmed the most. We have a lovely bedtime routine that has been cosistant her whole life, there has been no changes in her life (well her father started FIFO work over 12 months ago) but she knows her parents are very much in love. My question is for parents of young teenage girls, were there any early signs that you wished you had of spoted? How does what I mentioned compare to your girls. I hope I am reading too much into this. Do you think I should ask someone professional? I appreciate your advice.

Grasping for straws

replies: 3

i think my boyfriend of two years has depression. i think he may also have a problem with alcohol. I've tried to have reasonable discussions with him about this, but he doesn't want to discuss it and gets defensive. he refuses to talk about the liklyhood of him having depression. he has agreed that he has a problem with alcohol. he refuses to see someone about these issues. when i try to encourage him and support him and say we should do it together (as not to make him feel like he has a problem or like i'm attacking him) he acts like he hasn't got a problem and refuses. He takes on average a day or two off a month from work when he has a hangover from an all nighter (out drinking and on drugs all night). He wont open up about his problems to anybody and won't discuss his feelings with anybody. We have signed contracts and are about to buy a house but i am in constant fear of him losing his job and then us defaulting and having to pay $40,000.00 for backing out of the sale. We have been living together for a year. We are intimate maybe once a month or less. I don't think i can cope with this anymore as I also suffer bouts of depression and this is effecting me a lot as well. I am still in love with him and i don't want to leave him but its getting too unhealthy for the both of us. I know that nothing will change unless he is willing to seek help for himself, but i don't know if he will ever be willing to get help. I've told him that i'm not sure i can deal with it anymore and his response is to tell me where the door is because he wont change for anybody but he also knows that i deserve better and wont hold me back if i want to leave. I can't leave him because i love him. Does anybody have any advice for me? i know i'm not the only one that is in this situation, and surely people that have been in this situation or similar have overcome it.... please help

Am I overreacting?

replies: 2

Hi, I have a partner who has been on ad's for a few years and more recently on painkillers because of an accident. In recent times I have been trying to find some ground for rebuilding our relationship. I am trying to understand his struggle with depression. I am trying to believe that he may be trusted. A couple of days ago I suffered a back strain that was initially very debilitating. I was not mobile. It is difficult to get a doctors appointment where I live. I relied on my partners support. His help with my taking a regular medication ended up with a incorrect dose. I only found this out when I was tidying up today. This had the effect of worsening my ability to cope physically. He went to the chemist for me and I (perhaps stupidly) accepted his advice that the chemist said it was okay for me to take some of his pain medicine. Now that I am feeling better and thinking things through for myself I am really worried that the various medications he is on is affecting his cognitive abilities. I would expect someone to take extreme care when dispensing medication and the chemists recommendation seem really unlikely. Especially as the particular medication is highly addictive. I do not know if my own anxiousness is making me overreact. Any helpful thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks, Pixie.

Help for the helpless!

replies: 3

How do I help someone who doesn't want help? My son says he doesn't want to be here anymore and there is no point staying alive.How do I deal with this day in day out? Anyone gone through a similar thing...got any answers? I'm desperate as I think time is running out. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

my depressed husband won't get help

replies: 12

I have described my husband as my beautiful husband for the last 28years. For the last 2 years at least he has turned into a dark stranger after a number of traumatic life events, car accident, injury, surgeries on the injuries, father passed away and lost job security. His response has been hostility and non communication, but when he does communicate its usually to blame me for his unhappiness. He saw a councillor early on, this turned his sadness into anger and he didn't attend any more sessions to resolve this anger so it has festered into complete hostility toward me, the councillor advised him to move out of home without inviting me in to provide a different perspective. I have gathered all of my resources to try and support him and continued to be loving and gentle but this also seems to feed his anger. I am so desperate he is ruining our beautiful marriage and family without any attempt at problem solving and he is becoming deeper into his depression. Any thoughts?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Parents dilemma replies: 9

Got a new housemate who is an alcoholic replies: 8

How do I support my partner through their anxiety? replies: 4

Selfish carer? replies: 9

help for a friend replies: 1

signs of anxiety / depression young children pls help replies: 3

Grasping for straws replies: 3

Am I overreacting? replies: 2

Help for the helpless! replies: 3

my depressed husband won't get help replies: 12