Mum of teenager with depression...need advice

Lily15 · ‎23-03-2015

Hi, this is the first time I've been involved in any forum. I have a 14 year old son with mild depression. He has seen a councilor and psychiatrist but is no longer seeing either of these. He is a typical teenage boy that doesn't talk much - although every now and then he does open up. I don't want to be on his back and always ask him how he is, I have made it clear that we - his mum, dad and older brother are always here for him. Day to day life seems to be fine but every now and then he comes home from school and says his day was a bad one and that's all he'll say. I guess I just want to know how other mums handle this? On the one hand, I want to give him his space and let him come to me when he needs to, but that never seems to happen until I ask...and on the other hand I don't want to nag him. After all, we all need our own space. It just gets me down when I see he is unhappy :-(.

Thanks for reading...

Soph9528 · ‎23-03-2015

Hi there,

I guess firstly I should say that i'm not a mother, i just joined and happened to see this post and thought I could possibly help from the other side of things, you know? I was about 14/15 when first diagnosed with depression and it took me about a year of feeling terrible before I could even muster the courage to tell my parents exactly how I felt. I have no idea why, my family would constantly tell me they were there for me and loved me, just like you are doing, but for some reason I was just so terrified of talking about how I felt with them. I would instead purposely not dry my eyes after a cry or slump around in the hopes that one of them would really persist in finding out what was wrong so that i could break and tell them everything. Giving him his space is great, and if he is introverted or a homebody like I was then i'm sure he would really appreciate that, but I think if you go to him and really talk to him when he's having those bad days, then he wouldn't perceive it as nagging, and may actually talk if you make the first move. It may be one of those weird quirks of the depression, or may just be a personality trait, but struggling to talk about bad days or anything thats getting me down is something I still do now, even after years of medication. Someone coming to me first and persisting with knowing whats wrong, even after i answer with 'just feeling bad today', is sometimes the only way I can verbalise my feelings. I think i'm starting to ramble now, but basically I am sure your son would really appreciate you or your husband or his brother (sometimes siblings are easier to talk to, so maybe asking your other son to go check up on him wouldn't be a bad idea) asking him how he's going and wouldn't perceive it as nagging. Honestly, you sound like you are doing a really great job looking out for him and making sure he gets better. 🙂

Neil_1 · ‎24-03-2015

Hi there Lily

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing this post.

It’s great that Soph has come in with her viewpoint and this leads me to thinking that perhaps it could very well be a gender thing.

I say this, as I’ve got a son and daughter (both teens) and last year our son was having some bad issues and try as we might, he wouldn’t open up to us; and when I say try, we did it in the most careful manner, because yeah, on these sorts of things, anything ‘too much’ can cause the opposite effect of withdrawing further. What we found was he felt comfortable in talking to a counsellor at his school, which seemed to help him a lot. We’ve always insisted to both our children that they should feel comfortable in coming to us with anything at all. And here is the difference.

Our daughter IS able to do this – she will actually come forth and say stuff that is troubling her. She actually comes to me I think more than her Mum, because she knows of my battles that I have with my own mental illness.

But Lily, I can definitely understand how you feel when you say that it gets to you and makes you feel down when you see that he is unhappy. I mean all we want for our children is for them to be happy and not to be affected by too much and if something isn’t right, we want desperately to make it right. And if they don’t open up, then yes it can get frustrating.

For my viewpoint, I just emphasised that I won’t push him on the subject, but to let him know how much we love him and care for him and it’s because of that, that we want to do everything we can to help out. BUT if he doesn’t wish to talk about it, then we respect his wishes but just for him to know that if he ever feels that he would like to talk, we are there. Something along those lines.

I hope this has helped out a bit for you.

Neil

Lily15 · ‎29-03-2015

Thanks so much for your advice Soph, I will keep persevering and hope that in time he will open up to what he is feeling. Until then, I will keep worrying.. 😞

Lily15 · ‎29-03-2015

Thanks Neil, having nieces I've realised that girls do tend to open up more, it's evident from an early age. You are spot on, we all want to see our children happy and it's frustrating that he doesn't let us in when something is upsetting him. He does talk to the school counsellor who is fantastic so I am glad about this. But I do worry about him going down the wrong path, that's something that really scares me. I guess I'll continue to worry...that's what us parents do I suppose..

Neil_1 · ‎30-03-2015

Dear Lily

I would think that it’s nigh on impossible for a parent NOT to worry about their child, so what you’re experiencing and/or doing is just a natural reaction. It just sucks that it has to be the worry factor and not something so much more pleasant.

Talking to the school counsellor is a good sign.

I honestly think that if as parents we’ve put the ‘work’ into our children from an early age, teaching them right from weak, good from bad and kind of reinforce those things along their journey, then it is just a matter of hopefully them seeing how they use all that and progress along the way.

I am so happy that our children (even at this early age, as mentioned above, both in teens – mid and early) are displaying really awesome tendencies with regard to the evils of drugs and the evils of alcohol and they well adjusted and polite as well. I think if you can see that through your son and be displayed at various times then that may help to alleviate some of your concerns and/or worries.

Again, I hope I’ve been able to say something useful in this post. And please please, feel free to keep on posting.

Kind regards

Neil